ESFJ's and affairs of the heart

ESFJ's and affairs of the heart

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  • 2 Post By saslou
  • 1 Post By saslou

This is a discussion on ESFJ's and affairs of the heart within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; LOL .. I was hoping some ESFJ's may be able to offer some advice in this area .. It just ...

  1. #1
    Unknown Personality


    ESFJ's and affairs of the heart

    LOL ..

    I was hoping some ESFJ's may be able to offer some advice in this area .. It just seems to be something i do not understand .. I was told today by my partner/someone i am seeing/a person, that they want to deeply connect with me. He is an NF and a very deep person .. and although i suppose i am in some ways, i don't really give it to much though .. I show my affections in ways that are comfortable to me, i don't necessarily think in terms of deep, more practical.

    So i was wondering are you able to connect deeply with your partner? Does it come easily?

    What does deep mean anyway? It is so ambiguous in the first place.

    Also .. (yes i am a pain in the ass ;))

    How do you behave overall in relationships, are you very trusting of the other person? Do they easily show their appreciation to you? Do you ever come across as cold and detached? Do people easily take advantage of your good/caring nature?

    I am just curious as i am starting to think it may be me who is broken .. I don't like being broken .. I also don't like this negative thinking.

    Thank you in advance :)
    Zygomorphic and Grey thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    What does deep mean anyway? It is so ambiguous in the first place.
    A "deep connection" tends to mean an inexpressibly powerful, intimate relationship between individuals. It is essentially felt subjectively as opposed to being capable of being expressed by practical matters. Often, people will also consider such connections to involve a mutual understanding of one another. Because it is subjective, it truly is rather ambiguous, which will probably exasperate many a person.

    Aside from that, I too am curious as to how others will respond to your bolded questions.

  3. #3
    Unknown Personality


    Quote Originally Posted by Zygomorphic View Post
    A "deep connection" tends to mean an inexpressibly powerful, intimate relationship between individuals. It is essentially felt subjectively as opposed to being capable of being expressed by practical matters. Often, people will also consider such connections to involve a mutual understanding of one another. Because it is subjective, it truly is rather ambiguous, which will probably exasperate many a person.

    Aside from that, I too am curious as to how others will respond to your bolded questions.
    Lol .. Thank you for taking the time to reply to this.

    You have such a beautiful way in expressing words, something i can only envy .. In all truth though, you might as well of been speaking in a foreign tongue as i still am not 100% sure exactly what you mean.

    I have always believed that if i am with you then there is some kind of connection, or else i wouldn't be with you in the first place. I will admit though that having a mutual understanding with someone is something i am not familiar with, close relationships to me have been about power struggles, projection and generally unhealthy. I have to take accountability for my actions as i allowed myself to stay in these, but i try to see the best in people, i believe people to be genuine and honest when in truth everyone is looking out for number one (how incredibly sad yet rightly so), yes i am naive, lol.

    Maybe i will find what you speak of when i commit to a loving and healthy relationship and until then i must trust my judgment when in an unhealthy one and leave.
    Zygomorphic thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    As an ESFJ, yes I am able to connect deeply with my partner on an emotional and spiritual level. I don't exactly know what you mean- how do you want to be deeper with him? Have deeper emotional and spiritual conversations, or have deep conversations about profound and poignant issues such as philosophy, politics, religion etc?

  6. #5
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    LOL ..

    I was hoping some ESFJ's may be able to offer some advice in this area .. It just seems to be something i do not understand .. I was told today by my partner/someone i am seeing/a person, that they want to deeply connect with me. He is an NF and a very deep person .. and although i suppose i am in some ways, i don't really give it to much though .. I show my affections in ways that are comfortable to me, i don't necessarily think in terms of deep, more practical.

    So i was wondering are you able to connect deeply with your partner? Does it come easily?

    What does deep mean anyway? It is so ambiguous in the first place.

    Also .. (yes i am a pain in the ass ;))

    How do you behave overall in relationships, are you very trusting of the other person? Do they easily show their appreciation to you? Do you ever come across as cold and detached? Do people easily take advantage of your good/caring nature?

    I am just curious as i am starting to think it may be me who is broken .. I don't like being broken .. I also don't like this negative thinking.

    Thank you in advance :)
    Sorry, I didn't answer the rest of your question. In terms of my relationship with my partner, yes I am very trusting of her. I tend to trust people more if they have opened up to me and have let themselves be vulnerable in front of me in the past. This demonstrates they obviously trust me and are comfortable in sharing deep, personal issues with me. However, I am very rarely open with people about my personal issues unless they have opened up to me first. In the past I've been open with people who have then used the personal information against me (without being provoked I may add, there's just so many corrupt people out there). So, if he has opened up to you and feels comfortable sharing his deep, personal issues with you, then I think you should feel comfortable sharing your personal life with him, and don't worry about being vulnerable.
    In answer to the second part, yes she does show her appreciation easily to me, she's fantastic at giving compliments (she's also an NF btw), as she knows words of affirmation are probably the best way to make me happy. Yes, sometimes I do come across as cold and detached, as being an ESFJ I get offended easily and hate criticism haha. However, this is rare and when it does happen, she knows it's just a glitch and can oversee it, but is something I need to be aware of more.
    Finally, I wouldn't say people take advantage of me, but I am willing to help most of the time. If you feel people are taking advantage of you, let them know in a calm, loving, subtle way...
    Hope this has helped.....

  7. #6
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    LOL ..

    I was hoping some ESFJ's may be able to offer some advice in this area .. It just seems to be something i do not understand .. I was told today by my partner/someone i am seeing/a person, that they want to deeply connect with me. He is an NF and a very deep person .. and although i suppose i am in some ways, i don't really give it to much though .. I show my affections in ways that are comfortable to me, i don't necessarily think in terms of deep, more practical.

    So i was wondering are you able to connect deeply with your partner? Does it come easily?

    What does deep mean anyway? It is so ambiguous in the first place.

    Also .. (yes i am a pain in the ass ;))

    How do you behave overall in relationships, are you very trusting of the other person? Do they easily show their appreciation to you? Do you ever come across as cold and detached? Do people easily take advantage of your good/caring nature?

    I am just curious as i am starting to think it may be me who is broken .. I don't like being broken .. I also don't like this negative thinking.

    Thank you in advance :)
    How long have you been seeing this person? Have you have sex with them? does this person show they care for you through words or actions?

    Sorry to ask a few questions but I need to now this information before I give you my insight ^_^;

    As for me, I trust the person who I am in a relationship with until they show me that they are not meant to be trusted. If they betray my trust then they have to show me that they are trustworthy once more. I am normally a bubbly type person around those who know me, but when it comes to work, school, or being on computer, all my focus goes into it where people can feel that i'm being distant from them. It's not that i'm doing it on purpose, it's just that somethings require more attention than others. I also feel detached when i'm cycling through a negative emotion because I get suspicious of someone, i dislike this about myself =/. I also dislike it when I find out that that my suspicions are correct and that I made the wrong choice o giving them the benefit of the doubt :(

  8. #7
    Unknown Personality


    Quote Originally Posted by evenflow87 View Post
    As an ESFJ, yes I am able to connect deeply with my partner on an emotional and spiritual level. I don't exactly know what you mean- how do you want to be deeper with him? Have deeper emotional and spiritual conversations, or have deep conversations about profound and poignant issues such as philosophy, politics, religion etc?
    I think he wants a deeper emotional and spiritual relationship with me .. The deep conversations he has with people online. I don't mind as i can't compete with that (no, i am not putting myself down, i am great in other areas, lol). I am more than competent verbalising my thoughts in my head but to openly communicate about my feelings, i stumble, get flustered and he seems to concentrate on other parts i said. I don't/can't express my feelings too well.

    Quote Originally Posted by evenflow87 View Post
    Sorry, I didn't answer the rest of your question. In terms of my relationship with my partner, yes I am very trusting of her. I tend to trust people more if they have opened up to me and have let themselves be vulnerable in front of me in the past. This demonstrates they obviously trust me and are comfortable in sharing deep, personal issues with me. However, I am very rarely open with people about my personal issues unless they have opened up to me first. In the past I've been open with people who have then used the personal information against me (without being provoked I may add, there's just so many corrupt people out there). So, if he has opened up to you and feels comfortable sharing his deep, personal issues with you, then I think you should feel comfortable sharing your personal life with him, and don't worry about being vulnerable.
    In answer to the second part, yes she does show her appreciation easily to me, she's fantastic at giving compliments (she's also an NF btw), as she knows words of affirmation are probably the best way to make me happy. Yes, sometimes I do come across as cold and detached, as being an ESFJ I get offended easily and hate criticism haha. However, this is rare and when it does happen, she knows it's just a glitch and can oversee it, but is something I need to be aware of more.
    Finally, I wouldn't say people take advantage of me, but I am willing to help most of the time. If you feel people are taking advantage of you, let them know in a calm, loving, subtle way...
    Hope this has helped.....
    Hmmm, trust is an issue that is going to require time here and although i am trying to be vulnerable, it is a work in progress as in the past the one thing i have hidden from EVERYONE is that weakness.

    Oh wow, looks like you found yourself a good one there ;)

    Calm, loving and subtle way .. Noted.

    Thank you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Blissfulwish View Post
    How long have you been seeing this person? Have you have sex with them? does this person show they care for you through words or actions?

    Sorry to ask a few questions but I need to now this information before I give you my insight ^_^;

    As for me, I trust the person who I am in a relationship with until they show me that they are not meant to be trusted. If they betray my trust then they have to show me that they are trustworthy once more. I am normally a bubbly type person around those who know me, but when it comes to work, school, or being on computer, all my focus goes into it where people can feel that i'm being distant from them. It's not that i'm doing it on purpose, it's just that somethings require more attention than others. I also feel detached when i'm cycling through a negative emotion because I get suspicious of someone, i dislike this about myself =/. I also dislike it when I find out that that my suspicions are correct and that I made the wrong choice o giving them the benefit of the doubt :(
    This is getting personal, I'll PM you
    Last edited by saslou; 01-22-2010 at 03:45 PM.

  9. #8
    ENFJ - The Givers

    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    LOL ..

    I was hoping some ESFJ's may be able to offer some advice in this area .. It just seems to be something i do not understand .. I was told today by my partner/someone i am seeing/a person, that they want to deeply connect with me. He is an NF and a very deep person .. and although i suppose i am in some ways, i don't really give it to much though .. I show my affections in ways that are comfortable to me, i don't necessarily think in terms of deep, more practical.

    So i was wondering are you able to connect deeply with your partner? Does it come easily?

    What does deep mean anyway? It is so ambiguous in the first place.
    Yes, I would say that I can connect deeply with my partner, whatever that means. We have come to understand and respect each other very well, and I guess that is a part of connecting. If it is someone that tries to stop the level of "deepness", it's him (INTP). I think that it is very desirable to really understand how the other part thinks and feels. That makes the whole relationship much easier, and it is easier to be a good girlfriend.

    Also .. (yes i am a pain in the ass ;))

    How do you behave overall in relationships, are you very trusting of the other person? Do they easily show their appreciation to you? Do you ever come across as cold and detached? Do people easily take advantage of your good/caring nature?

    I am just curious as i am starting to think it may be me who is broken .. I don't like being broken .. I also don't like this negative thinking.

    Thank you in advance :)
    I am trusting, most of the time. It's very easy for me to trust people, I guess it's because I haven't got that burned yet. Although, I initially can get feelings of jealousy if my boyfriend hangs out with girls, because of the only of my exes that had close female friends cheated on me twice, but I know that my boyfriend won't do such a thing, so I keep the feelings under control and try to ignore them.

    My boyfriend shows appreciation, but not as much as I would like always, but he's an INTP, so I guess I'll just have to live with that. It's easy for me to show appreciation.

    I don't think that I come across as cold. Maybe when I'm irritated.

    What do you mean take advantage? If i give them care, and they accept, I won't object. If you mean that they take and give nothing back - yes, that has happened. And then, they are maybe not a friend to keep. But it wouldn't be better to not give them care.

    I don't think that you should be afraid to feel vulnerable either, it feels good to do that sometimes, and it gives you a deeper relationship. It is quite releasing.

    Good luck! I hope that I could help in some way.

  10. #9
    Unknown Personality


    Quote Originally Posted by Nyfiken View Post
    Yes, I would say that I can connect deeply with my partner, whatever that means. We have come to understand and respect each other very well, and I guess that is a part of connecting. If it is someone that tries to stop the level of "deepness", it's him (INTP). I think that it is very desirable to really understand how the other part thinks and feels. That makes the whole relationship much easier, and it is easier to be a good girlfriend.

    I am trusting, most of the time. It's very easy for me to trust people, I guess it's because I haven't got that burned yet. Although, I initially can get feelings of jealousy if my boyfriend hangs out with girls, because of the only of my exes that had close female friends cheated on me twice, but I know that my boyfriend won't do such a thing, so I keep the feelings under control and try to ignore them.

    My boyfriend shows appreciation, but not as much as I would like always, but he's an INTP, so I guess I'll just have to live with that. It's easy for me to show appreciation.

    I don't think that I come across as cold. Maybe when I'm irritated.

    What do you mean take advantage? If i give them care, and they accept, I won't object. If you mean that they take and give nothing back - yes, that has happened. And then, they are maybe not a friend to keep. But it wouldn't be better to not give them care.

    I don't think that you should be afraid to feel vulnerable either, it feels good to do that sometimes, and it gives you a deeper relationship. It is quite releasing.

    Good luck! I hope that I could help in some way.
    Unfortunately i have been burnt twice so trusting someone is a real issue for me .. I do believe people have good intentions but when i get that gut instinct that something is wrong, i am usually told to ignore it but i wouldn't have that feeling if everything is OK. I do get jealous with my partner as i know he likes having his ego stroked, my ex husband ended the marriage by having an affair which is OK as i was pretty unhealthy myself so coming away from that situation, i was able to finally look at myself and my foundations and move in a positive direction ..

    My thinking at the moment .. I need some time out with the person i am with. I was able to find some interesting and useful tools through introspection but i believe i still need time to heal from the past.

    Thank you ever so much for all your advice. It is very much appreciated. :)


     

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