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Trauma and ESFJ

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This is a discussion on Trauma and ESFJ within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by Sunrain Oh no you're perfectly right - relationships run their course, but I don't think I'm alone ...

  1. #21
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by Sunrain View Post
    Oh no you're perfectly right - relationships run their course, but I don't think I'm alone in saying that ENFPs tend to want (or rather feel like they need) to get along with everyone and to be in a 'good place' with everyone. So, if I'm not getting along with someone, regardless of where the relationships is on its course, indeed even if it's "run it'.. I can't end things on a bad note. I keep trying different approaches until it somehow 'works'. It's a good thing and also a curse.. on the one hand it means I'm friends with all of my ex's, because I keep communicating until all mis-understandings are resolved, on the other hand it means I've stayed friends with a few people who weren't amazingly nice to me and in that sense it's a bad thing. Once I care about someone I'm basically only able to walk out on them if they're really really horrible to me. Otherwise, even if we're no longer great friends, everything's either resolved or being resolved.
    But you can't get along with everyone, some you will clash with, some will stay in your lives forever and some you'll want to run away from, lol .. It seems like a very selfless act you display, but at a cost to yourself. I understand wanting to resolve issues, but sometimes i know even my best is not enough .. In my case i am only accountability for my actions, and can not place so much power on another individual to change. I admire your strength but i admit i am selfish (only learned to be this way in the last year, work in progress, lol ;))

    Quote Originally Posted by pinkrasputin View Post
    I think we also like to "own up to our responsibilities" and want to recognize our part in anything gone wrong. So even if it wasn't us and there was dysfunction we would rather take the blame than feel like we were passing it on to someone else. Not because we are martyrs, but because we are trying to do the right thing: accept responsibility. It's because of this desire to be "true to ourselves" and "noble" it is often hard to accept that it really wasn't us. We DON'T want to be fake. Does that make sense?
    I think only a healthy individual takes responsibility for their part. Unfortunately not everyone is healthy. I don't think blame needs to be passed to the other person, like i said, in every situation lessons can be learned and if the individual is open minded enough they will heed that lesson.

    It makes sense ;)
    Thank you for responding. Apologies for taking your thread somewhat off subject. I am curious regarding peoples behaviours and thinking.

    Quote Originally Posted by pinkrasputin View Post

    But I think guilt played a huge part. I think he hated himself and he turned it onto me.
    I think you might be onto something there
    pinkrasputin thanked this post.

  2. #22

    Thank you. I had the actual whole background and the reality of our situation on the last post but I got scared and edited it out. I haven't "come out" with it publically. So I felt like a retard. Too much info. I only wrote it so that I could give deeper info in order to be able to receive more wisdom.

    Just know this was not merely a "break up". We both went through something tough. It involved the loss of a child (very early stage), and on top that I hemorrhaged and almost died 3 days later. But I bounced back amazingly strong. Maybe too strong. I am very healthy. And no, he wasn't mad about "loss" he didn't want it anyway.

    So this is the reason why I hung in there for so long. We both were going through something incredibly difficult.

    I just woke up in a cold sweat after taking a nap. I saw him and heard his voice. He sounded sweet. Like when I first met him. It didn't make me feel good at all.

  3. #23
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Are you alright?
    Christ, an unwanted child and a botched abortion! And I thought you had been raped. Regardless of the cause, best wishes to you.

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  5. #24
    ENFP - The Inspirers

    Aww bless you what a difficult thing to go through. I'm glad you pulled through and I'm sorry!!
    I hope you can get those answers directly from him one day when everything feels 'dealt with' and you both feel strong enough to talk about what exactly went wrong.

  6. #25
    Unknown Personality

    I am so sorry to hear that .. A huge trauma like that can either bring you together or tear you apart .. You seem strong so i hope you find some resolution regarding this matter.

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