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This is a discussion on Ask an ESFJ a question within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by Executie So what personality types have you dated that influenced you this much? If you were to ...

  1. #51

    Quote Originally Posted by Executie View Post
    So what personality types have you dated that influenced you this much? If you were to have your choice, what personality type do you find yourself most compatible with?
    I have an INFP best friend who I get along well with and an INFP acquaintance who I am unable to have a conversation with. It's like trying to think of something to talk about but coming up with nothing.

    I haven't dated yet, nor am I pursuing dates. There is a whole thread on this: "I don't like dating, Is there anyone like me here". It's on the INTP forum.

    The one who started my transformation is an (supposedly) ESFJ. Although, I was interested in her, but I don't think she could ever say no. I wasn't used to being rejected with "Maybe". In the end, I was mentally fucked up.




    Quote Originally Posted by Executie View Post
    Also, I don't think many people find these topics interesting. I try to talk to coworkers and friends about MBTI, but they tend to see it as a boring subject. I get along with intuitive people because they are more willing to hear me out and talk to me about this!
    I do find people find these topics interesting, but in my experience it can be a bit declarative. Sometimes the I am XXXX so I must act this way ordeal, is carried around too much.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    What do you think of dates?
    Executie thanked this post.

  2. #52

    Quote Originally Posted by SimplyEnigmatic View Post
    I have an INFP best friend who I get along well with and an INFP acquaintance who I am unable to have a conversation with. It's like trying to think of something to talk about but coming up with nothing.

    I haven't dated yet, nor am I pursuing dates. There is a whole thread on this: "I don't like dating, Is there anyone like me here". It's on the INTP forum.

    The one who started my transformation is an (supposedly) ESFJ. Although, I was interested in her, but I don't think she could ever say no. I wasn't used to being rejected with "Maybe". In the end, I was mentally fucked up.






    I do find people find these topics interesting, but in my experience it can be a bit declarative. Sometimes the I am XXXX so I must act this way ordeal, is carried around too much.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    What do you think of dates?
    You know, it's so amusing to me because I don't know any INFPs and really want to because I feel I would be compatible with them. I feel this way with INTPs too, but I only know one INTP and we get along great. These are probably the few types I'd consider dating based on my past relationships with an ENFP and ISTP.

    Coming from an ESFJ, I had a hard time saying no for the longest time until recently because of my relationship with an ex who was ISTP. I learned a lot from him and he taught me what I needed for myself and deserved in a relationship, which meant that I definitely needed to date an N person haha. I used to say "Maybe" as a way to avoid conflict of saying no and feeling bad. It's definitely something where we ESFJs need to work on our inferior Ti to think about what we want and what is and isnt appropriate in a situation. Funny story, I recently began using my Ti more and my INTJ and INTP friends were saying how if I relied on it too much I'd start to act like an INTP lol. I began to do that and they would yell at me and tell me to stop being that way, which is why I was so intrigued with your responses. They felt relatable in a way, but I see that I have to use my Ti in moderation to be balanced enough with my Fe dom. The ESFJ you were talking to probably was just unaware and more unhealthy if anything. Not all ESFJs are that way, and just need a motive to change their perspective so long as you word it in a way that we can understand. In my experience I found dating people is where I made my biggest changes and growth in life. It's interesting to see how you do it differently because it gives me a different perspective in the approach. It makes me want to learn more from you. :)

    It seems the types I would like to get to know more dont linger in the settings I put myself in lol. I tend to be around S people more, which is why they don't usually jump at the topic when I bring up MBTI. I agree, once people type themselves they seem to take the description of it too literally but that's why I think discussions and having friends to talk it out with you are important to see that they are like a set of guidelines, but more like a key to growth.

  3. #53

    What is the most likely reason my ENTP boyfriends ESFJ mother hates me?
    I have been as pleasant and courteous to her as I know how, and have even attempted to get to know her, but it doesnt go anywhere.
    Its almost like she doesnt trust me or something?

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  5. #54
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Anathae View Post
    What is the most likely reason my ENTP boyfriends ESFJ mother hates me?
    I have been as pleasant and courteous to her as I know how, and have even attempted to get to know her, but it doesnt go anywhere.
    Its almost like she doesnt trust me or something?
    Anything I say about types is anecdotal based on my personal experience
    with people I know who have been typed. I cant and will not assume to speak for
    everyone in a group.


    My wife is ESFJ. I am ENTP. Our eldest son is ESFJ.

    As a parent myself? It is hard to trust my children's SO's. It takes a longggg
    time. Are you sure she dislikes you or is it more you dont feel as if she likes you?
    It may just be the family bubble and she is not going to let anyone into that bubble
    until they have proven themselves. Only time can set that proof. Time and deeds.
    Indeed with ESFJ it is the attrition that builds the trust. The reliability, the time.
    Consistency.

    You have to look at the way she views you as a replacement for what she does for
    her son. Sure that can mean she is feeling like losing something because in fact
    she is. Thats not fun for a parent yet it should be expected.


    Possible reasons.....

    Because you are not her.

    She is worried about loosing control over her current family life.

    You are changing him in a way that she may not like.

    She had/has an idea of what he should prefer.

    She thinks he is not ready.

    Is it more she is just acting superficial?

    As a stereotype....INFP...may be a bit sensitive. Just a bit.
    You may be seeing (feeling) something that is not a big deal
    to general population yet to you it is. Which I suppose is what matters
    but if the ESFJ does not know that.... it wont help.



    I can probably break this down a bunch more with some details.

    First and foremost....how long have you two been together?
    What is the living arrangement?
    Do you both work/(school)?
    Are you organized?
    Are you on time and especially when it comes to items with her?



    There is a misconception I find with how people view ESFJ.
    They are typically looked at as this caregiver extraordinaire
    to their peers. I find this to be incorrect for teh ESFJ I know. Not completely but
    still not as solid as this here... ESFJ are caregivers for the GROUP.
    That group can be family/friends...and so on. They are typically big
    picture people. Think caregiver of area vs caregiver of a single point.

    Why does the above matter? It matters because ESFJ have ZERO problems
    culling people from their perceived groups in all haste with no to little remorse.
    This is a great thing! Usually..... The down side should be self-evident.
    As you may be living it right now.

    Let me know some more info and I may be able to expand.

  6. #55

    Quote Originally Posted by FueledByEvil View Post
    Anything I say about types is anecdotal based on my personal experience
    with people I know who have been typed. I cant and will not assume to speak for
    everyone in a group.


    My wife is ESFJ. I am ENTP. Our eldest son is ESFJ.

    As a parent myself? It is hard to trust my children's SO's. It takes a longggg
    time. Are you sure she dislikes you or is it more you dont feel as if she likes you?
    It may just be the family bubble and she is not going to let anyone into that bubble
    until they have proven themselves. Only time can set that proof. Time and deeds.
    Indeed with ESFJ it is the attrition that builds the trust. The reliability, the time.
    Consistency.

    You have to look at the way she views you as a replacement for what she does for
    her son. Sure that can mean she is feeling like losing something because in fact
    she is. Thats not fun for a parent yet it should be expected.


    Possible reasons.....

    Because you are not her.

    She is worried about loosing control over her current family life.

    You are changing him in a way that she may not like.

    She had/has an idea of what he should prefer.

    She thinks he is not ready.

    Is it more she is just acting superficial?

    As a stereotype....INFP...may be a bit sensitive. Just a bit.
    You may be seeing (feeling) something that is not a big deal
    to general population yet to you it is. Which I suppose is what matters
    but if the ESFJ does not know that.... it wont help.



    I can probably break this down a bunch more with some details.

    First and foremost....how long have you two been together?
    What is the living arrangement?
    Do you both work/(school)?
    Are you organized?
    Are you on time and especially when it comes to items with her?



    There is a misconception I find with how people view ESFJ.
    They are typically looked at as this caregiver extraordinaire
    to their peers. I find this to be incorrect for teh ESFJ I know. Not completely but
    still not as solid as this here... ESFJ are caregivers for the GROUP.
    That group can be family/friends...and so on. They are typically big
    picture people. Think caregiver of area vs caregiver of a single point.

    Why does the above matter? It matters because ESFJ have ZERO problems
    culling people from their perceived groups in all haste with no to little remorse.
    This is a great thing! Usually..... The down side should be self-evident.
    As you may be living it right now.

    Let me know some more info and I may be able to expand.


    Thank you so much for the feedback
    Let me start off by saying, I'm an american, and he and his family are german. I'm learning german, and everyone BUT her in his family speaks some degree of english. So I can communicate decently well with bf's two brothers.

    So, on second thought, she might be more of an ESTJ (like my own mother) than ESFJ
    Her answers were very mid level for a few, but I forget which
    (she screams a lot when angry, but I don't think thats type dependent. My ESTJ mother was like that, as well, though)

    SO
    In most situations I'm typically able to damn-near psychically read people.
    The impression I get from her is this

    She trusts her son, and doesn't at all worry about me controlling him (He's pretty dominant in general, and our dynamics make him seem older than me, despite me being older) 21 and 25

    In some weird way, I actually feel like she's oddly cool with me for that?
    Like, we have sex
    She knows
    She's heard.
    Not to mention my bf would randomly mention aspects of our sex life to her, so I KNOW she knows (despite being mortifying for me sometimes, haha, oh god)
    And she actually said to me she was super cool, yaknow, not like most crazy parents of anything. Its not a weird thing for her to talk about 'that stuff'

    So I think in some way she recognizes her son is a hot blooded 21 year old and is appreciating that I can provide him with a need she can't satisfy

    The middle brother, who is 17, straight up told me at one point that she really hates me.
    I was asking the middle brother about what I could possibly do to help contribute to the house more, or how I could avoid upsetting her, because I was getting this really weird feeling something was wrong
    And he, an ISTP (love that boy, he's so even keeled)
    Said
    "Look, You can't repeat this, okay? She really kinda hates you"

    She always acts okayish towards me, never being incredibly friendly or incredibly hostile
    But I'm not an idiot, and I can see it/feel it.
    I've known something was wrong for a long time, even though bf kept trying to pretend it wasn't happening (since this incident he trusts me A LOT faster when I tell him I have a feeling)

    I honestly feel like she looks at me like I don't 'fit' with her notion of how people/the world is supposed to work
    Like I'm sort of okay in some ways, but internally defective in others

    Little background on me

    I have a chronic illness and live with my bf. We had to move in with his family recently, which she was okay with.
    We all recently decided to move into a big house with each other and my bf is will be paying part of the monthly costs (she's nervous about this because, well, he's a young ENTP, do I need to say more?)

    When I say chronic illness, I mean that I've been far too sick to work for a while now. I have good days and bad days, and I've been looking into careers I can pursue at home, but it probably looks like I'm just sitting around doing fuckall all the time (because my illnesses are invisible)

    The middle brother mentioned that some of the symptoms I have (like zoning out for long periods of time) she was perceiving as laziness, when in reality I'm just ridiculously fucking sick

    I don't know how things are now.

  7. #56

    ESFJs, you are highly interested in others but hesitate to disclose your own issues. I have found this commonality in Fe types. Everybody has issues though. So when you say you're fine and it's nothing, why exactly do you say this?

  8. #57
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Anathae View Post
    Little background on me

    I have a chronic illness and live with my bf.
    That sucks. Hope you can get through that.

    As a parent? This would be a almost a sure fire dealbreaker for me
    and indeed my wife. To my mind my son would be getting involved with someone
    who is broken. I dont know how else to say this nicely. My wife
    is deathly ill so it almost seems hypocritical for me to say that. Yet
    her illness came well into our relationship. I would not have chosen
    a sick person to start my life. Nor would I prefer it for my kids.

    Quote Originally Posted by Anathae View Post
    We had to move in with his family recently, which she was okay with.
    We all recently decided to move into a big house with each other and my bf is will be paying part of the monthly costs (she's nervous about this because, well, he's a young ENTP, do I need to say more?)

    When I say chronic illness, I mean that I've been far too sick to work for a while now. I have good days and bad days, and I've been looking into careers I can pursue at home, but it probably looks like I'm just sitting around doing fuckall all the time (because my illnesses are invisible)

    The middle brother mentioned that some of the symptoms I have (like zoning out for long periods of time) she was perceiving as laziness, when in reality I'm just ridiculously fucking sick

    I don't know how things are now.
    Damnitt. In my head there is a part of it that is saying "just walk away FBE...do not respond"
    But I am going to mute that little voice for a moment and lay it bare.


    Honestly? ...ughhhh my Fe is going to let me down here......
    This is not a personal shot against you. This is me removing myself
    from the people and thinking as if it is my son.

    Also. My ESFJ (wife) would/could never understand someone who
    cannot do. She just does not get it. She does not appreciate it. Illness
    or not.
    (My wife is also from a German family)

    This would not work for me either. It is not that I wouldn't like you though.
    It is more that I would want a better START for my kids.
    Fuck me...... I dont know how else to say that nicely.

    As an example. My ESFJ son. He met his woman in 1'st year Uni.
    That was 6 years ago now. He has one kid and another on the way.
    With the same woman. They live together and the whole bit.

    The point is. She and he proved me wrong. Well not
    wrong. I didn't think they wouldn't work through time.
    I just wanted my son to start with, first off more than
    shacking up with the first girl he liked but also someone
    who could keep up with him.
    Well at the start? She was sick allllllll the time. If it wasnt depression
    it was cyst on her ovaries or this or a little of that. It was always something. She was reserved
    and quiet as well. A little Emo too which sucked..I digress...

    It took until 2 years ago before I would even look her in the eye with
    any sort of give a shit factor. For 5 years straight I kept letting my son know
    that when you are choosing someone to spend your life with (which is what he wanted)
    that he needed to consider items like health. Like can they have children (as he wanted kids).

    These things are important to parents.

    The best advice I can give at this point? Prove them wrong.
    Through time. My son told me he loved his woman.
    I needed to respect his choice as it is not mine.
    I did so. Through time his woman proved to me that she was more
    than a sick lady on a couch. She was a person that cared for my
    son and could help him navigate life. Also she bore him two
    beautiful children. She to me now? Is a great match for my boy.
    Sure she is necrotic to the bone. But it is lessening as the years beat
    her down.

  9. #58

    Quote Originally Posted by FueledByEvil View Post
    That sucks. Hope you can get through that.

    As a parent? This would be a almost a sure fire dealbreaker for me
    and indeed my wife. To my mind my son would be getting involved with someone
    who is broken. I dont know how else to say this nicely. My wife
    is deathly ill so it almost seems hypocritical for me to say that. Yet
    her illness came well into our relationship. I would not have chosen
    a sick person to start my life. Nor would I prefer it for my kids.



    Damnitt. In my head there is a part of it that is saying "just walk away FBE...do not respond"
    But I am going to mute that little voice for a moment and lay it bare.


    Honestly? ...ughhhh my Fe is going to let me down here......
    This is not a personal shot against you. This is me removing myself
    from the people and thinking as if it is my son.

    Also. My ESFJ (wife) would/could never understand someone who
    cannot do. She just does not get it. She does not appreciate it. Illness
    or not.
    (My wife is also from a German family)

    This would not work for me either. It is not that I wouldn't like you though.
    It is more that I would want a better START for my kids.
    Fuck me...... I dont know how else to say that nicely.

    As an example. My ESFJ son. He met his woman in 1'st year Uni.
    That was 6 years ago now. He has one kid and another on the way.
    With the same woman. They live together and the whole bit.

    The point is. She and he proved me wrong. Well not
    wrong. I didn't think they wouldn't work through time.
    I just wanted my son to start with, first off more than
    shacking up with the first girl he liked but also someone
    who could keep up with him.
    Well at the start? She was sick allllllll the time. If it wasnt depression
    it was cyst on her ovaries or this or a little of that. It was always something. She was reserved
    and quiet as well. A little Emo too which sucked..I digress...

    It took until 2 years ago before I would even look her in the eye with
    any sort of give a shit factor. For 5 years straight I kept letting my son know
    that when you are choosing someone to spend your life with (which is what he wanted)
    that he needed to consider items like health. Like can they have children (as he wanted kids).

    These things are important to parents.

    The best advice I can give at this point? Prove them wrong.
    Through time. My son told me he loved his woman.
    I needed to respect his choice as it is not mine.
    I did so. Through time his woman proved to me that she was more
    than a sick lady on a couch. She was a person that cared for my
    son and could help him navigate life. Also she bore him two
    beautiful children. She to me now? Is a great match for my boy.
    Sure she is necrotic to the bone. But it is lessening as the years beat
    her down.
    My heart goes out to your wife, truly

    I have a lot of autoimmune disorders, but also dissociate sometimes when people around me get angry and start yelling (due to past trauma, which is seriously not helping my proving myself)

    I absolutely understand that pragmatic 'I wouldn't want someone sick with my child' thing
    I have a streak in me realistic enough to recognize that I'm a wreck, and by certain ideologies, I don't even deserve to be alive

    Thats really fucked me up my whole life, actually
    When I was younger my opinion was MUCH closer to yours, which is why I completely get it.
    As I got older I realized I needed to expand my definition of success, or kill myself

    I was actually ready for the latter when my illnesses got bad enough
    Boyfriend is slowly changing my mind, though

    He's insistent that I have something special to offer people, I just have to figure out what and how to do it.

    Thanks, I guess this resolves it for me.

    I understand entirely why she doesn't like me, because I hate myself for the same reasons.
    That just hurts inside a bit, I guess.

    Thank you for your help
    FueledByEvil thanked this post.

  10. #59
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Bunniculla View Post
    ESFJs, you are highly interested in others but hesitate to disclose your own issues. I have found this commonality in Fe types. Everybody has issues though. So when you say you're fine and it's nothing, why exactly do you say this?
    It is a self induced psychological restriction that makes sense given
    their need to put the group first. They say its fine
    because it is fine in comparison to their actual worries
    which is never themselves. I have spent 20 years
    trying to get my ESFJ to put herself first. In a typical sense?
    She never does. If I am to look at her motives as selfish
    then she is selfishly maintaining a social high ground
    by sacrificing her sanity in aid of others.

    It actually makes sense.

    If you have ESFJ in your life then it behooves you to push
    them until they explode from time to time. Sort of like venting the
    steam.

    I have become very proficient at this as my wife and Son are ESFJ.
    Bunniculla and Anathae thanked this post.

  11. #60
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Anathae View Post
    My heart goes out to your wife, truly

    I have a lot of autoimmune disorders, but also dissociate sometimes when people around me get angry and start yelling (due to past trauma, which is seriously not helping my proving myself)

    I absolutely understand that pragmatic 'I wouldn't want someone sick with my child' thing
    I have a streak in me realistic enough to recognize that I'm a wreck, and by certain ideologies, I don't even deserve to be alive

    Thats really fucked me up my whole life, actually
    When I was younger my opinion was MUCH closer to yours, which is why I completely get it.
    As I got older I realized I needed to expand my definition of success, or kill myself

    I was actually ready for the latter when my illnesses got bad enough
    Boyfriend is slowly changing my mind, though

    He's insistent that I have something special to offer people, I just have to figure out what and how to do it.

    Thanks, I guess this resolves it for me.

    I understand entirely why she doesn't like me, because I hate myself for the same reasons.
    That just hurts inside a bit, I guess.

    Thank you for your help
    You stay true to you and your man.
    Living with a parent should and will be temporary.
    Indeed we choose our friends and SO's. we do not get to choose
    our family.

    Keep and stay open/strong/honest. It suits you well.

    The ability of one to take on a load is specific to that individual.
    You have a ton to offer your ENTP as stated by him. That is what matters.
    That is all that matters.


     
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