[ESFJ] What is your relationship with intj's?

What is your relationship with intj's?

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  • 3 Post By peyandkeele
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This is a discussion on What is your relationship with intj's? within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Forgive me as this questions has probably been asked 21098324903248 times before, but i am genuinely curious about your relationship ...

  1. #1

    What is your relationship with intj's?

    Forgive me as this questions has probably been asked 21098324903248 times before, but i am genuinely curious about your relationship with the intj's in your life. are you friends? coworkers? family? etc. do the ones you know personally, piss you off? or make you laugh? I only asked because after giving it some recent thought, i actually have gotten a long very well with esfjs the past few years. Its to the point where a couple of my close friends are one, and a girl i like a lot happens to be one. I found that i have common ground with many of you guys, as we both appreciate structure and security in our lives, and that i can have future focused and deep discussions with you as long as i try not to get too abstract and keep the conversation grounded. Which is something that would've bothered me more in my teenage years, but as i got older i learned i can't entertain everyone with my ni ideas in there purest form so i learned, (even if just a little bit) to bridge the gap between abstract and concrete ideas so i can converse with people easier. Plus your tert Ne when more developed is refreshing, because its not overwhelming (like how enfp's can be for me sometimes), but its just enough for me to pick up on and find interesting and relatable. I will admit that some text book esfjs are still a bit of a challenge for me, but i found that as opposed to disliking each other, we more so tend to acknowledge each others existence and move on.

    Anyway enough of my blabbering, what is your relationship like with the intjs in your life?

    Disclaimer:all posts will go into notes to help me relate better to an esfj girl i like lol
    SummerRoads, Executie and eatery125 thanked this post.



  2. #2

    Hi Peyandkeele,

    Thanks for your post! Honestly, I'm not sure I know of any INTJs in my life right now but then again I don't walk around trying to type everyone I talk to because.... that would take forever. If you have any questions about ESFJs though I could totally help you out with that though. All the best with your love interest! ESFJs are awesome :)
    Last edited by SummerRoads; 05-21-2019 at 07:45 PM.

  3. #3

    Hi @peyandkeele

    One of my best mates (who is a guy in this case) is an INTJ. Actually meeting him later this week to help him move house.

    To answer your initial questions:

    1. do the ones you know personally, piss you off? Yes... and more so vice versa, but not in an extreme way and often it can lead to laughing at each other. For example, I once asked him after a disagreement "do you find me annoying" to which he replied "yes...but then I find everyone annoying - You are just less annoying". Genuinely, we both laughed.
    2. or make you laugh? Almost every time we meet, he makes me laugh (he is one of the wittiest people I know).

    I found that i have common ground with many of you guys, as we both appreciate structure and security in our lives, and that i can have future focused and deep discussions with you as long as i try not to get too abstract and keep the conversation grounded.
    I definitely think having common ground and interests can help massively in an ESFJ / INTJ relationship. My INTJ friend has a very similar sense of humor to me and we do have various interests in common. There is also respect between us for the interests we don't have in common. I'd imagine too that most ESFJs will like having structure and security in their lives and definitely would like being able to have future focused and deep discussions with someone close to them. Becoming abstract actually could later work well as they get to know you. I remember reading once on another thread that ESFJs like to have their thinking buttons pushed (and INTJs their feeling button pushed), so certain abstract discussion could actually go down really well (plus, you do have to be yourself too - it shouldn't be about you changing everything about the way your present yourself just to make another person comfortable!).

    For me, the thing I find most difficult with my INTJ friend is when having a very detailed conversation with him. For example, if something can be explained in 5 words, and I end up using 10 words, it can annoy him and make him impatient (this could also be more the way he is personally rather than the way all INTJs are to be fair). I've also got to be extremely to the point. Sometimes I'll actually rehearse in my head what I'm going to say to him before I say it in these instances. This can be draining sometimes (and I think I do pander to it too much also, but anyway). Sometimes off-the-cuff comments that weren't meant to be taken seriously can end up being taken too seriously as well.

    I get the impression from what you say above that what I find difficult won't be a problem with you anyway, but I would take into account that some ESFJs may not be as direct when speaking i.e. they may fumble words a little more when trying to explain something in detail, especially if it's not something they know much about, and if you show annoyance to that, it could make them feel awkward.

    Hope some of this is useful and really hope this all works out for you.
    peyandkeele, SummerRoads and eatery125 thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    Quote Originally Posted by orion83uk View Post
    Hi @peyandkeele

    One of my best mates (who is a guy in this case) is an INTJ. Actually meeting him later this week to help him move house.

    To answer your initial questions:

    1. do the ones you know personally, piss you off? Yes... and more so vice versa, but not in an extreme way and often it can lead to laughing at each other. For example, I once asked him after a disagreement "do you find me annoying" to which he replied "yes...but then I find everyone annoying - You are just less annoying". Genuinely, we both laughed.
    2. or make you laugh? Almost every time we meet, he makes me laugh (he is one of the wittiest people I know).



    I definitely think having common ground and interests can help massively in an ESFJ / INTJ relationship. My INTJ friend has a very similar sense of humor to me and we do have various interests in common. There is also respect between us for the interests we don't have in common. I'd imagine too that most ESFJs will like having structure and security in their lives and definitely would like being able to have future focused and deep discussions with someone close to them. Becoming abstract actually could later work well as they get to know you. I remember reading once on another thread that ESFJs like to have their thinking buttons pushed (and INTJs their feeling button pushed), so certain abstract discussion could actually go down really well (plus, you do have to be yourself too - it shouldn't be about you changing everything about the way your present yourself just to make another person comfortable!).

    For me, the thing I find most difficult with my INTJ friend is when having a very detailed conversation with him. For example, if something can be explained in 5 words, and I end up using 10 words, it can annoy him and make him impatient (this could also be more the way he is personally rather than the way all INTJs are to be fair). I've also got to be extremely to the point. Sometimes I'll actually rehearse in my head what I'm going to say to him before I say it in these instances. This can be draining sometimes (and I think I do pander to it too much also, but anyway). Sometimes off-the-cuff comments that weren't meant to be taken seriously can end up being taken too seriously as well.

    I get the impression from what you say above that what I find difficult won't be a problem with you anyway, but I would take into account that some ESFJs may not be as direct when speaking i.e. they may fumble words a little more when trying to explain something in detail, especially if it's not something they know much about, and if you show annoyance to that, it could make them feel awkward.

    Hope some of this is useful and really hope this all works out for you.
    Yea i have to be honest i do get impatient when people use too many words to describe things lol. Im not that way all the time but it does irk me from time to time, i have a friend (possible e/isfj i think) who i have to apologize to from time to time, because he can take too long to get to the point, and i lose my patience. often times he'll give too many of what i call "disclaimers" before he makes a statement, and im just sitting there like "ya i get it, get to the point lol". this doesnt always bug me but sometimes its an issue lol.

    As far as deep conversations go i can see that. The girl that i like tends to go into deep conversations often, especially about people, but will stop herself before she goes too deep. I think she usually stops herself because she doesnt want others to find her weird, or she doesn't want to lose herself in the world of abstractness (i'd assume her si coming into play here possibly? dont know if any other esfj's can relate to this) and get carried with ideas in her head.

  6. #5

    Hey! Just wanted to mention if you look at a recent post on here by Forks (I think called "controlling nature to loved ones" or something like that) he is an INTJ married to an ESFJ. He may be able to give you some insights as to what his experiences have been.
    peyandkeele thanked this post.

  7. #6

    Thanks ill check it out

    Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk

  8. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by peyandkeele View Post
    Forgive me as this questions has probably been asked 21098324903248 times before, but i am genuinely curious about your relationship with the intj's in your life. are you friends? coworkers? family? etc. do the ones you know personally, piss you off? or make you laugh? I only asked because after giving it some recent thought, i actually have gotten a long very well with esfjs the past few years. Its to the point where a couple of my close friends are one, and a girl i like a lot happens to be one. I found that i have common ground with many of you guys, as we both appreciate structure and security in our lives, and that i can have future focused and deep discussions with you as long as i try not to get too abstract and keep the conversation grounded. Which is something that would've bothered me more in my teenage years, but as i got older i learned i can't entertain everyone with my ni ideas in there purest form so i learned, (even if just a little bit) to bridge the gap between abstract and concrete ideas so i can converse with people easier. Plus your tert Ne when more developed is refreshing, because its not overwhelming (like how enfp's can be for me sometimes), but its just enough for me to pick up on and find interesting and relatable. I will admit that some text book esfjs are still a bit of a challenge for me, but i found that as opposed to disliking each other, we more so tend to acknowledge each others existence and move on.

    Anyway enough of my blabbering, what is your relationship like with the intjs in your life?

    Disclaimer:all posts will go into notes to help me relate better to an esfj girl i like lol

    One of my closest friends is an INTJ. She gives me a lot of the logical perspectives in my life and she is curious about my perspectives on things as well. She doesn't understand the emotional views I have on things, but when I explain them to her she finds it very fascinating. We don't have the type of friendship where we are constantly messaging each other about how we are doing, but our conversations usually entail topics about MBTI or ways of personal improvement. I love talking to her because she makes me use my brain and it teaches me a new perspective on things every time. I get this feeling like I'm connecting the dots in my brain when we talk, and I love it. She tells me all the time about how she could never date an ESFJ because ESFJs require a certain level of emotional availability that an INTJ may find exhausting. If you admire the ESFJ in your life and want to pursue her, do it! I do think there will be many miscommunications, but that happens with all relationships. It just matter that you both work to understand each other's language. Teaching her MBTI would help a lot with that. ;) I love the way INTJs pick at my brain, so maybe you can try to pick hers. You'll definitely be more unique in her mind and she may be way more attracted to you afterwards.
    peyandkeele thanked this post.

  9. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by Executie View Post
    One of my closest friends is an INTJ. She gives me a lot of the logical perspectives in my life and she is curious about my perspectives on things as well. She doesn't understand the emotional views I have on things, but when I explain them to her she finds it very fascinating. We don't have the type of friendship where we are constantly messaging each other about how we are doing, but our conversations usually entail topics about MBTI or ways of personal improvement. I love talking to her because she makes me use my brain and it teaches me a new perspective on things every time. I get this feeling like I'm connecting the dots in my brain when we talk, and I love it. She tells me all the time about how she could never date an ESFJ because ESFJs require a certain level of emotional availability that an INTJ may find exhausting. If you admire the ESFJ in your life and want to pursue her, do it! I do think there will be many miscommunications, but that happens with all relationships. It just matter that you both work to understand each other's language. Teaching her MBTI would help a lot with that. ;) I love the way INTJs pick at my brain, so maybe you can try to pick hers. You'll definitely be more unique in her mind and she may be way more attracted to you afterwards.
    i meant to respond to this a while ago and just now remembered lol. When you mentioned having conversation with your intj friend this is where i feel i'm different from a lot of intj's (or at least where i feel more emotionally developed). I do still talk about personal development often, but i have learned more recently to ask my friends how there doing, and pick up on when they seem to not be doing ok emotionally. Its still not my first instinct to do this, but i have trained myself to care a little more about people feelings now (which is stark contrast to how i was in the past) and many (especially my isfp and esfj friends) really appreciate it. I do sometimes worry tho if i were to date an esfj, would my development be enough, or would dom fe ware me out. I also have never really dated before so idk what im willing to tolerate, so thats probably part of where my worry comes from as well. As far as picking at your brain is concerned, your response is one i get from my feeling dominant friends alot (especially the fe doms). Tho i will be honest theres usually some conflict and resistance to it in the very beginning, but i think it has more to do with the fact that there not used to it.

    also forgive any grammar mistakes i may have made, i'm tired and have a headache.


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