[ESFJ] I believe I mother an ESFJ teenager - Page 2

I believe I mother an ESFJ teenager

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This is a discussion on I believe I mother an ESFJ teenager within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by Llyralen What would your mom do that you loved? She would speak to me kindly, check in ...

  1. #11

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    What would your mom do that you loved?
    She would speak to me kindly, check in on my feelings, make me my favorite recipes, or find silly ways to make me laugh and make things fun! She'd also write little notes to me in my school lunch box sometimes which I thought was a very sweet gesture. I noticed all the little things she did and took those to heart.

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    What would she do that you disliked/hated?
    I didn't like when she would make me late to places. She could talk a mile a minute and get herself out of any social situation but it bothered me when I felt she wasn't being "responsible".... and she was the parent! Haha! Or when she said she'd do something and then didn't. I'm a parent now myself so I get how many things a mom juggles but as a teenager it just really bothered me if she said she would do something and then just forgot about it but I remembered. Sometimes she would spend a lot of money and oddly enough that would bother me even if it was on myself. I felt like I was definitely more frugal with money and was wondering if it was responsible as a parent to be spending like that... haha! Obviously, it's her money and my dad's so who am I to be asking that? Just being honest with what I thought as a kid.

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    What advice would you give any mom who has an ESFJ? Is there any insight you think an ENFP mom should hear in particular? Thank you in advance for help in understanding your type!
    I think ESFJ kids just need a lot of love, hugs, gentle voices, and a home environment free of excessive conflict. Ideally the ESFJ would have some sense of structure or routine in their home environment and if you can't provide this then at least let your ESFJ create their own (e.g. have their own room to organize as they want, let them create their own morning / before school routine without messing with it or making fun of it for always being the same, etc.). As an ESFJ myself who is very close to my sister-in-law who is an ENFP, I would say that I think the Fe / Fi disconnect probably sticks out the most to me and causes the most feelings of disconnect. I love her passion for new ideas and her sense of adventure and so the vibe is really fun to be around. She's also very caring and warm but then in my head I want her to behave like an ESFJ in sorts but then she doesn't and that's confusing when I'm not actively reminding myself that even though we're very similar in some ways, we're still pretty different. She'll forget sometimes to respond to texts or emails and while I totally get that life is busy, as an ESFJ on the other end, we're kind of just waiting, waiting, waiting and then a week or two later she might remember to write back or might not ever and then months down the line be like "Oh right! I thought up all these things to write you back about and then I guess I never did! Ha!" So that's kind of annoying to me as an ESFJ.

    I think as a parent you can help create some structure and routines or at least not belittle the ESFJ making those for himself. Maybe make a date night once a month or something where just you and your ESFJ spend a little time together doing something fun. Positive words of encouragement, lots of hugs, asking how they're doing, being patient when they want to talk about small talk, get to know their friends, show interest in their activities, try to create a harmonious home life as much as possible, remind him that you love him no matter what / unconditionally. Remembering small things is huge! Like ask him how things are going with a friend or how he's feeling about some other aspect of his life you remembered etc.

    I do think sometimes as ESFJ kids we can chase the praise or want to make our teacher or parent proud more than we really want to study for ourselves. So I think it would be nice sometimes to just be told / made to feel like we're enough just for who we are and not how much we can please others. Maybe try reinforcing asking what the ESFJ wants for himself too (even though that might be really hard for them to answer....so maybe that's not a good idea... maybe just watch out for it and see if you think he needs some space for himself without maybe realizing it). I don't know... I think it would have been good for me in high school to hit pause for a moment to really figure out what I wanted to study in college and remove pressures from parents or others on what I thought I should do, you know? It's tricky... hard to really know what "you" want to do when you feel like "you" is everyone around you...if that makes sense?

    I think it's great that you're asking these questions on here! He's so lucky to have you as a mama!
    Last edited by SummerRoads; 07-13-2019 at 10:17 PM.
    Llyralen and Suntide thanked this post.

  2. #12

    Quote Originally Posted by SummerRoads View Post
    She would speak to me kindly, check in on my feelings, make me my favorite recipes, or find silly ways to make me laugh and make things fun! She'd also write little notes to me in my school lunch box sometimes which I thought was a very sweet gesture. I noticed all the little things she did and took those to heart.



    I didn't like when she would make me late to places. She could talk a mile a minute and get herself out of any social situation but it bothered me when I felt she wasn't being "responsible".... and she was the parent! Haha! Or when she said she'd do something and then didn't. I'm a parent now myself so I get how many things a mom juggles but as a teenager it just really bothered me if she said she would do something and then just forgot about it but I remembered. Sometimes she would spend a lot of money and oddly enough that would bother me even if it was on myself. I felt like I was definitely more frugal with money and was wondering if it was responsible as a parent to be spending like that... haha! Obviously, it's her money and my dad's so who am I to be asking that? Just being honest with what I thought as a kid.



    I think ESFJ kids just need a lot of love, hugs, gentle voices, and a home environment free of excessive conflict. Ideally the ESFJ would have some sense of structure or routine in their home environment and if you can't provide this then at least let your ESFJ create their own (e.g. have their own room to organize as they want, let them create their own morning / before school routine without messing with it or making fun of it for always being the same, etc.). As an ESFJ myself who is very close to my sister-in-law who is an ENFP, I would say that I think the Fe / Fi disconnect probably sticks out the most to me and causes the most feelings of disconnect. I love her passion for new ideas and her sense of adventure and so the vibe is really fun to be around. She's also very caring and warm but then in my head I want her to behave like an ESFJ in sorts but then she doesn't and that's confusing when I'm not actively reminding myself that even though we're very similar in some ways, we're still pretty different. She'll forget sometimes to respond to texts or emails and while I totally get that life is busy, as an ESFJ on the other end, we're kind of just waiting, waiting, waiting and then a week or two later she might remember to write back or might not ever and then months down the line be like "Oh right! I thought up all these things to write you back about and then I guess I never did! Ha!" So that's kind of annoying to me as an ESFJ.

    I think as a parent you can help create some structure and routines or at least not belittle the ESFJ making those for himself. Maybe make a date night once a month or something where just you and your ESFJ spend a little time together doing something fun. Positive words of encouragement, lots of hugs, asking how they're doing, being patient when they want to talk about small talk, get to know their friends, show interest in their activities, try to create a harmonious home life as much as possible, remind him that you love him no matter what / unconditionally. Remembering small things is huge! Like ask him how things are going with a friend or how he's feeling about some other aspect of his life you remembered etc.

    I do think sometimes as ESFJ kids we can chase the praise or want to make our teacher or parent proud more than we really want to study for ourselves. So I think it would be nice sometimes to just be told / made to feel like we're enough just for who we are and not how much we can please others. Maybe try reinforcing asking what the ESFJ wants for himself too (even though that might be really hard for them to answer....so maybe that's not a good idea... maybe just watch out for it and see if you think he needs some space for himself without maybe realizing it). I don't know... I think it would have been good for me in high school to hit pause for a moment to really figure out what I wanted to study in college and remove pressures from parents or others on what I thought I should do, you know? It's tricky... hard to really know what "you" want to do when you feel like "you" is everyone around you...if that makes sense?

    I think it's great that you're asking these questions on here! He's so lucky to have you as a mama!
    Oh, thank you! This is a really great reply! 2 things I've always done: I am always asking him what he wants and sometimes it's too much and hard for him to know. But he's pretty good at saying "I don't have to know yet. I don't have to chose yet." And I thought it would bother him now that I know he is an ESFJ, but then I thought it might be good for him, actually. I think if I ask him and then give him some time alone to think that it helps and he can tell me somewhat better. I'm always asking how he is, always have, and usually he does respond to that okay.

    I've always felt like he wants me to be making dinner consistently and doing those kinds of things for him. If I don't and bring home take-out he gets annoyed and looks at me with a bit of disappointment. Understanding that he will actually feel true joy from me doing more home cooking is a good thing to motivate me. He also loves family and friend occasions and I think us inviting people over more is good for him. He is kind of shy around all adults, though. I want to spoil him, and I think I understand the ESFJ type enough to know how to spoil him. Other stuff I might not get as much, we'll see if more questions come up.

    He knows following his own routine in the morning is appreciated by me. He does a great job. Also when he comes home from school he does his chores just like he should and tries to get his sister to do so too--- and he's done that since age 6. So very appreciated!

    Sometimes I am late. He does tell me this disappoints him and I tell him I'll work on it, which I do. But I always have to work on timeliness.

  3. #13

    I think it's so wonderful you care so much and are truly trying to understand your children. That's so great!

    I was just thinking with the take-out thing I don't think it's necessarily because he doesn't want take-out and just wants home cooked meals as much as he wants to know what the "plan" is for the day, you know? Like if you're going to get take-out maybe just telling him in the morning before school so he knows what to expect later. I know that sounds kind of lame.... and sure he can just roll with the changes and learn to be flexible too.... just saying if his mind is busy at school and other activities it's nice to go into "auto-pilot" when you come home and know what your night routine will be so switching it up "last minute" in his mind can be a little annoying but again, don't stress if that's what's best for you that day and meal planning. I think in general ESFJs just enjoy having a heads up whenever possible. It helps them with planning their day. It's not necessary, but much appreciated.


     
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