[ESFJ] I believe I mother an ESFJ teenager

I believe I mother an ESFJ teenager

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This is a discussion on I believe I mother an ESFJ teenager within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; What would your mom do that you loved? What would she do that you disliked/hated? What advice would you give ...

  1. #1

    I believe I mother an ESFJ teenager

    What would your mom do that you loved?
    What would she do that you disliked/hated?
    What advice would you give any mom who has an ESFJ? Is there any insight you think an ENFP mom should hear in particular? Thank you in advance for help in understanding your type!



  2. #2

    Oh yeah, and nobody ever even offered me drugs. Isn't that something that happens to nearly everybody? Well not me. Everybody hated me enough to even leave me out of drugs. - ESFJ JThearts (2013)

    Me to, my friend.. me too.

  3. #3

    Not all ESFJs are popular. Some are extremely shy. Most of them suffer from loneliness but none of them would admit it. On the surface, there seem to be a lot of people around them.
    Suntide, Llyralen and orion83uk thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    Unknown

    Not an ESFJ so this is just 'ideas' based off a few of them who I've known over the years, a grandma, and the usual stuff we read on type theory. I'd be careful about the Fi/Fe clash... I'd try very hard to understand and honor her need for that Fe, even if it comes out in ways which really cross or trigger your Fi, especially at times when you just don't understand her reasoning or motivation. I'd be careful about Fi-flavored moralizing.. even though Fi often honors others right to feel and believe what they wish, I think Fi comes out differently for those closest to us, that we feel obligated to provide a solid sense of morals and definitely high standards in children, and that this might be felt for a young Fe as still oppressive and stifling, because she can feel and sense your internal feelings and judgements.. even when you don't express them. And I'd actively pay attention to Si, to tradition, to routines if she needs them to feel safe. But what can a parent ever really do? But be the best self they can be.
    Llyralen and eatery125 thanked this post.

  6. #5

    Iíve been even more complementary about how responsible he is than usual and actually he like took on extra responsibility and oh my gosh... heís so impressive, but thriving under that positivity is just so amazing. Itís like he steps up into the compliment. Usually I want to see someone step up when Iím negative about somethingó but itís just amazing to see him step up from positivity.
    Suntide, Sour Roses and eatery125 thanked this post.

  7. #6
    ISTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    I’ve been even more complementary about how responsible he is than usual and actually he like took on extra responsibility and oh my gosh... he’s so impressive, but thriving under that positivity is just so amazing. It’s like he steps up into the compliment. Usually I want to see someone step up when I’m negative about something— but it’s just amazing to see him step up from positivity.
    My wife is an E2 ESFJ. We started dating in high school when she was just shy of 17. I got to see firsthand how she responded so differently to her mother versus her father. Her mother was always quite negatively critical of her. I'm sure she was trying to motivate her as you mentioned, but she never responded well to it at all. Their relationship was always quite difficult, right to the day her mother passed away. Don't get me wrong, her mother was never mean or abusive and obviously cared about her daughter very much, but the negative tone she always started off with would instantaneously put my wife into a defensive and non-receptive posture.

    On the other hand, her father always started off with a significantly softer and more positive tone with her, even if it ended up with a suggestion/correction by the time the conversation was finished. She had an amazingly positive relationship with her father. You can guess which approach I adopted after observing their relationships... and we're still together 45 years later (41 married).

    Good luck with with your son!
    Last edited by jcal; 07-01-2019 at 04:23 PM.
    Suntide, Llyralen, orion83uk and 2 others thanked this post.

  8. #7

    I am not a parent, but my sister is an ESFJ and given our big age difference I had to assume a sort of parental role with her.

    First of all I think ESFJs have the potential to be amazing people but are very easily affected by their environment/peers so I made sure to take my sister and her friends out on occasion (as the cool elder sister they were more than happy to oblige) and gauge their interaction styles. I often stressed with my sister that as wonderful as it is, taking into account other peoples' wishes/feelings one has to also make up their own mind and make sure they take care of themselves (ESFJs can often forget that, especially E2s).

    Routine/conventional accomplishments can be very important for an ESFJ, so this is an area you may find you have difficulty appreciating as an ENFP. I am not a big fun of strict routines but things were so chaotic at home when I was growing up that I came to appreciate it, and made a conscious effort to provide it (to an extent) for my sister. Fortunately, ESFJs are hardy folk and they do well with adversity, so she turned out to be a bright, empathetic and ambitious young lady.

    From what I can tell from your posts you seem to be the sort of parent who goes the extra mile for their children, so I think you should be just fine. ENFP/ESFJ is not the worst combo out there, and though you may find some interactions challenging I'm sure you'll work it out just fine.

    Best of luck :)
    orion83uk, eatery125, Llyralen and 1 others thanked this post.

  9. #8

    Thanks @Aridela his twin sister is an INTP. He has always taken care of her. She isn't diagnosed as autistic (she is always off by 1 or 2 points) and 2 neuropsychologists told us she would grow out of many of her problems (almost debilitating sensory processing disorder and way below average social skills) but he always watched out for her when she got overwhelmed or lost when she was younger and helped her with her friends, and that was pretty much on a daily basis until around 7th grade, actually. So it's a neat relationship for them and neat to see over the years. Those first several years he naturally did care-taking so that she could cope and he was just plain bored without her when they tried to split them. They are both wonderful. She's usually top of her class even with these problems and slowly she's started to care little by little about other kids other than her brother. I'm grateful I had twins.

    With the routines I don't like to fail him and I can tell when he gets disappointed.

    @jcal Contratz on 45 years!!! And also to the rewards and joys of a positive approach!
    Sour Roses, ultracrepidarian and Aridela thanked this post.

  10. #9
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    @Llyralen

    Did not read any of the other post. Forgive any rehash.

    I have an ESFJ son as well. He is 24now so I have seen him go through a
    ton.

    The biggest item I see with my son in so far as something that weights on
    him is cultural masculine traits are sometimes at odds with him. Biological
    male traits are fine though.

    I can literally see the cognitive dissonance happen
    live with him due to this. Its very interesting to be sure!
    Yet I can see the skewed smile and jolt of emotion flow through him
    and it makes my heart ache a bit to see him like that.

    As an example. I will be over at his place with my ESFJ wife
    visiting our granddaughter. Well when we go to leave the two ESFJ (my wife and son)
    will quite literally take it personally when my granddaughter is not in a mood to
    give hugs and kisses good by. Heres what I stand back and chuckle at...

    We are leaving....

    Son: Okay FBC (I have coined FueledByCuteness for my granddaughter)
    Give Oma (my wife) and Papa (me) a hug and kiss good bye!

    FBC: NO! (shes two)

    ME: Thats fine FBC I am much bigger than you and I willl just grab you
    and hug you anyhow...here I comeeeeee.. and I chase her, she laughs
    and I snatch her up and kiss her until she is laughing hysterically.

    My Wife: Sad look on her face ..drops head .... "okay thats fine."

    Son: Face grows sad and he gets stern (toooooo funny to watch this)
    "FBC you go give Oma a hug now. You are making her sad"

    Oma: Fake cry for effect.

    FBC: Looks at her dad, looks at her mom, looks at Oma. Capitulates.


    Okay so how does that describe how my sons masculine traits are
    at odds with his personality? Because he would never admit to that behavior.


    If I speak with him about that exact scenario? He claims it is for his mom that he does it.
    Look Llyralen, after 24 years the kid aint fooling me. I am sure the
    same can be said for your little ones.

    So I guess to come full circle. During my ESFJ's upbringing we needed to
    be sure that we allowed him to grow in a way that was true to himself
    by nurturing his nurture while still respecting the idea that is masculine
    in culture. A lot of back and forth with my wife and I on this topic. Now
    this is not to say we forced manly principals onto him. Far from it.
    It was us, as parents, observing the little sea monkey and helping
    him move in a direction that he wanted whilst forcing him to hold true
    to who he actually is. Given that ESFJ types are about one of the
    furthest from masculine culture trait set? That became the biggest item for
    us to balance with him.


    It is important to note here that my son ultimately respects the cultural
    differences between men and woman and wants to play that game.
    I would have been just as happy and supportive if he wanted no part
    of that and in turn decided to choose lifestyles that where/are counter
    culture. Truthfully? I don't think a true ESFJ can go counter culture.

    There are a lot of little obvious items yet the item I spoke on today
    was the one that made for the most leg work and indeed the most
    important for personal progression in a fruitful way for his spirit/soul/conscience.
    Whatever it is one believes in.
    L P, Llyralen and eatery125 thanked this post.

  11. #10

    @FueledByEvil You and Fueledbycuteness sound like so much fun!
    Wow! I see it! Luckily his dad is an INFP so I think that helps some... that he can see men as nurturing. But you're right... and there's also physical traits to consider when I think about it... like what he thinks are acceptable physical traits for certain things. He's a very good looking young man (a bit androgynous in the face) and I somehow think that might have some baring to how he feels about appropriateness? In a way that would never come into my head since I consider looks just the outside husk of any person. Hmm.. I didn't realize he would be battling a bit that way. I think it's really good that he was able to care-take his INTP sister quite a lot growing up. Such interesting things to think about! Thank you muchly! Your thoughts are always appreciated, sir. =)
    eatery125 thanked this post.


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