[ESFJ] ESFJ and INFP female friendship conflict

ESFJ and INFP female friendship conflict

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  • 2 Post By SummerRoads

This is a discussion on ESFJ and INFP female friendship conflict within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Just wanted to get a neutral perspective from ESFJs out there. I've had some issues and falling out with a ...

  1. #1
    INFP

    ESFJ and INFP female friendship conflict

    Just wanted to get a neutral perspective from ESFJs out there. I've had some issues and falling out with a female friend who I'm pretty sure is ESFJ (albeit more unhealthy), or maybe a ESTJ. A quick summary of our interactions in the past:

    She seems insecure at times and overly seems to ask for advice from others or take direction from her mom. She also seems a bit needy and has to always be around people or doing something from my perspective, and she has made it clear in the past that she is more interested in having fun/a good time than helping out or doing the non-fun parts of friendships. I left a music venue really upset one night, and she was more concerned about me not embarrassing HER rather than me being in a painful situation. She also did not follow up to see how I was doing later.

    The last straw was yesterday. We met up at a festival, and starts with a lot of insecurities it seems. Her birthday party was later in the day, and she told me she just completely took the idea for her party from someone else because she didn't know what to do. Then she starts talking about dating and liking a guy going through a divorce, but who doesn't seem to want more kids, which means, not what she wants, but is still seeing him because she has fun with him and likes his company. She said she missed him, which is rare for her to miss a guy, and she won't see him for her party or her birthday because it is the weekend he has his kids.

    I follow her lead and talk about men things, and mention how I thought it was really inappropriate that a mutual friend of ours waited a month to respond to a text (note that I am 40 and she is 32). She suddenly snapped at me for always talking negative about men. I will say that in the past she was privy to some of my anger vents when a male friend of hers really hurt me and led me on, and she really couldn't understand why I felt so hurt and angry (again a bit insensitive). But part of me is like WTF, because I listen to her stupid dating stories and had just listened to her latest drama.

    Anyway, I'm not perfect, but I didn't think it was out of line to make a comment about someone taking that long to text back, and maybe because I'm an introvert, not an extrovert, so my automatic response was not "oh how nice someone is reaching out" but rather "not sure why I'm hearing from this person who didn't seem that invested previously."

    On top of that, I told her I found something to wear to her Hawaiian themed party and she started harping on me to wear something different (when I liked the outfit I had chosen), which was totally out of line, especially as who gives a fuck, especially since she took the Hawaiian theme from someone else anyway. And she asked if I could bring some snack to her party in lieu of a gift because she thinks she has to convince people to like her by feeding them and providing alcohol, which she doesn't even drink. Part of me is just like relax the fuck out and stop trying so hard, including with her extreme healthy eating and exercise.

    Long story short. We parted ways not long after and I totally decided not to go to her party and no plans to talk to her anytime soon. I did tell her I was bothered by the snapping and badgering me about what I was going to wear, and a negative comment she had made another time about my shoes.

    Just wanted a gut check or alternate perspective. Just pissed me off as I've listened to her whine about her dating experiences and then she suddenly can't hear the same shit back at her... and it always seems to be about her, meeting up when she is bored or doing something near her place. I'm too old for that crap behavior.
    Last edited by citygirl; 08-25-2019 at 03:09 PM.



  2. #2

    Hi Citygirl, thanks so much for reaching out! I'm in my 30's and can totally see why that kind of behavior would be incredibly annoying....

    That said, I'm having a hard time relating to your friend and it makes me wonder if she truly is an ESFJ or perhaps just a really unhealthy/immature one??... honestly, it just is confusing to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by citygirl View Post
    and she has made it clear in the past that she is more interested in having fun/a good time than helping out or doing the non-fun parts of friendships. I left a music venue really upset one night, and she was more concerned about me not embarrassing HER rather than me being in a painful situation. She also did not follow up to see how I was doing later.
    This is very non-ESFJ like to me. I think we're the first ones to check in on a friend who isn't doing well and we're usually always the one investing ourselves in the "not so fun parts" of friendships almost to a fault. We can give and give and give and forget about taking care of ourselves....so this doesn't sound right to me.

    Quote Originally Posted by citygirl View Post
    She suddenly snapped at me for always talking negative about men. I will say that in the past she was privy to some of my anger vents when a male friend of hers really hurt me and led me on, and she really couldn't understand why I felt so hurt and angry (again a bit insensitive). .
    Again, doesn't sound ESFJ to me. Some people think we're big "gossipers" when in actuality we just like to keep tabs on people and hear the good and bad and just be in the know. If a friend of mine came to me with that comment, I'd be the first to be like yeah, that's a long time to return a text but maybe she got busy or something to that affect. I would never put down my friend who showed me her level of trust in our friendship to open up to me like that. Also, as an ESFJ internally I'd be the first to think it's rude that someone didn't write back for a month, you know? I would totally get where you're coming from.

    Also as an aside, maybe this is just me but if I was hosting a big hawaiian party, I'd have planned the whole week for it. Figured out exactly how much food to make or buy in advance plus I wouldn't be at a festival earlier that day because I'd probably be home cooking everything and trying to get it all set up and be really nice for my guests. I would want everyone to feel comfortable so the last thing I would do is snap at friends and demand they bring certain food items. I'd be more like "If you'd like to bring something feel free to but otherwise don't worry at all as I'll have a lot of options for everyone" kind of thing. I would NEVER go criticize an outfit a friend would want to wear to my party...omg... so rude. I think ESFJs want to make people feel comfortable, included, welcome... we bite our tongues and can kind of change what we say depending on who we are with in efforts to make them feel more comfortable, you know?

    So yeah, I'm confused about your friend and either she is super immature (which is sad in her 30's....) or she's not an ESFJ. ESTJs are pretty different than ESFJs in my opinion so I think you'd be able to tell. To me (so please not meant as offense ESTJs), they seem a little more calculated, in charge, controlling, and less aware of people's emotions around them. They're the people who think saying a quick sorry is enough and then let's move on and don't get why you need to talk it out and hear people's feelings. They're organized and efficient and have things to do but just feel a bit colder / can't handle talking about emotions much.

    Honestly, she could be a lot of other types...for a split second I thought maybe ESFP but I really don't know enough about her to say for sure. I'm curious what made you feel like she was an ESFJ? And who knows, maybe she is. Either way, sounds like she was out of line for the things she's said and perhaps you were also being a little rash by "ending" contact with her based on this one night (perhaps there's more but that's all I know from this). She may have just been super stressed about her situation with the divorced guy and him not wanting kids plus she's planning a big party later and maybe her mind was just elsewhere and she let out her stress on you. I guess you just need to decide if this was a one night kind of bad mood or if she's usually a solid friend.

    How did she react when you told her you didn't like that she snapped at you?

    Last thing, I know sometimes we as ESFJs can be labelled as "sensitive" so we've had our fair share of feeling like people aren't playing by social niceties and we've had our feelings hurt by people being snappy to us and short and cold. In the end though, we can't avoid all people who act this way in the world or we'd start cutting ourselves off from the social extroverted world we love. So in that sense, I think you just have to figure out what kind of friend she is normally and how much of your time you can invest in her / that friendship. As we get older as ESFJs, I think we start just realizing we may not always understand why people behave the way they do but that it's their life and we have to take a step back and see what are our needs and what do we need out of this relationship and is what they can give good enough or does she need to be held at more arms length / casual friendship.

    I'm sorry she acted that way and I wish you the best with all of it! I read somewhere that all couples fight (insert "friendship") but that you can measure the health of that relationship by seeing how they come together afterwards. I guess you could just go to her with your feelings and speak in a calm tone without being accusatory (e.g. so not like "You snapped at me!") but instead talk about how you felt. See how she reacts and responds. That'll tell you more about where you want to go in the future perhaps.

    Good luck!
    Last edited by SummerRoads; 08-25-2019 at 05:37 PM.

  3. #3
    INFP

    Quote Originally Posted by SummerRoads View Post
    Hi Citygirl, thanks so much for reaching out! I'm in my 30's and can totally see why that kind of behavior would be incredibly annoying....

    I'm sorry she acted that way and I wish you the best with all of it! I read somewhere that all couples fight (insert "friendship") but that you can measure the health of that relationship by seeing how they come together afterwards. I guess you could just go to her with your feelings and speak in a calm tone without being accusatory (e.g. so not like "You snapped at me!") but instead talk about how you felt. See how she reacts and responds. That'll tell you more about where you want to go in the future perhaps.

    Good luck!
    Thanks for your very nice response! She must be a ESTJ then... she did tell me her type at one point... I couldn't remember F or T. I guess I was questioning the ESTJ part and thinking she had more of a "F" because she seems very insecure at times, but she really isn't a nurturer and will say things really abruptly that can really put a damper on the mood. Sorry then if I posted in the wrong place. Thanks for being understanding.

    I think I'm learning is her norm is to be snappy. It's happened more than once now and for things that seem really minor. And our interactions are usually more negative than positive... she seems almost to be too fake nice or inauthentic, even if she doesn't mean to be that way. I just get the sense she is more interested in just having a warm body than wanting to spend time with me. She has apologized in the past for some of her crappy behavior, so I know she is self-aware. I mean, I COULD complain less and I know my social skills aren't super great so I approach things differently. But I'm not like her... she tries to make friends with everyone as to not be alone. And I love my quiet time and want quality social interactions when I am being social.

    I did text her that I wasn't going to her party and to have fun, but I didn't like how she snapped at me or was badgering me about a costume. Or her negative comment about my shoes in the past. I blocked her number as I didn't want to deal with hearing from her. I don't have much interest in talking to her again. Not sure if I will. I'm super bad with dealing with conflict. I tend to just cut people off if I feel really ticked off and disrespected. Another friend made some douchey comments before and I blocked her too. I think she tried to get back in touch later, maybe to apologize, but I realized that friendship didn't feel good either. Also an extrovert who was badgering me to come to her party. Go figure.


 

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