Divorcing a ESFJ?

Divorcing a ESFJ?

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  • 2 Post By abeille
  • 2 Post By saslou
  • 2 Post By Phoenix400

This is a discussion on Divorcing a ESFJ? within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Hello, I am an (X)NFP and have been married to an ISFJ for almost 6 years. As an NFP, it's ...

  1. #1
    INFP - The Idealists

    Divorcing a ESFJ?

    Hello,

    I am an (X)NFP and have been married to an ISFJ for almost 6 years. As an NFP, it's super important to keep the peace and calm around me. My ISFJ is a wonderful friend and is in love with me. I haven't been in love with him for years now, sadly. This causes a great deal of confusion and pain for me, since I want to keep him happy and have a peaceful divorce (they do exist, believe it or not!).

    I've tried to tell him I wanted to leave, of course he didn't take it very well and told me he would want to die if I left. So of course, that confused me completely and made me stay. But I am not happy in this marriage and ready to move on with my life. The only reason I stay, is to make sure that he is happy. I pretend everything is fine but have completely detached myself from him emotionally. Ideally, I would like for him to find someone else before I leave, so he doesn't have to suffer as much as possible. I have come to the conclusion that this is the only way I will ever feel at peace with leaving.

    What is the best way to let an ESFJ, who still thinks he in love with me, know I want a divorce? And I know this sounds absolutely horrible, but what's the best way to push an ESFJ into another woman's arms?

    Thanks for everyone's insight on this issue
    Perseus and utalk2muchandnevershutup thanked this post.



  2. #2
    Unknown Personality


    Quote Originally Posted by abeille View Post
    Hello,

    I am an (X)NFP and have been married to an ISFJ for almost 6 years. As an NFP, it's super important to keep the peace and calm around me. My ISFJ is a wonderful friend and is in love with me. I haven't been in love with him for years now, sadly. This causes a great deal of confusion and pain for me, since I want to keep him happy and have a peaceful divorce (they do exist, believe it or not!).

    I've tried to tell him I wanted to leave, of course he didn't take it very well and told me he would want to die if I left. So of course, that confused me completely and made me stay. But I am not happy in this marriage and ready to move on with my life. The only reason I stay, is to make sure that he is happy. I pretend everything is fine but have completely detached myself from him emotionally. Ideally, I would like for him to find someone else before I leave, so he doesn't have to suffer as much as possible. I have come to the conclusion that this is the only way I will ever feel at peace with leaving.

    What is the best way to let an ESFJ, who still thinks he in love with me, know I want a divorce? And I know this sounds absolutely horrible, but what's the best way to push an ESFJ into another woman's arms?

    Thanks for everyone's insight on this issue
    I am sorry to hear about your predicament.

    OK, he isn't going to find someone else .. Are you crazy? That just eases your guilt. Suck it up and be honest .. If you are not happy, then grow some balls and talk about how you feel instead of thinking about hurting his feeling because you are already doing that. You don't think he isn't thinking about you 24/7, chances are he is thinking of nothing else.

    He'll get over you in time.

    Speaking from someone who got her divorce papers last Saturday from an INxP who couldn't ........ Anyway, lol, if you want a divorce, just get it over and done with .. because his world, just like mine did crumble and he will be devastated for a while but he will pick himself up and will be stronger than ever. He'll move onto pastures new.

    BUT DON'T PUSH HIM INTO ANOTHER WOMAN'S ARM .. Have some respect for him and yourself.

    Oh and on a personal note .. What is it with NFP's claiming to be all caring, no drama, no conflict then do the me, me, me bullshit but in disguise of i am trying to help you??????
    Please reread your message and see if you can see just how selfish you are being.

    Looking forward to your reply.

    EDIT - I just saw your post in another thread .. Nice, you want to push your husband into the arms of another woman .. Just so you can be with the INTP you are currently infatuated with.
    Now that is classy or pathetic ... Your choice. Your poor husband. Perfect example of the ME, ME, ME mentality.
    Last edited by saslou; 02-27-2010 at 02:15 PM.

  3. #3
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Savage Hounds of the Baskerville

    Quote Originally Posted by abeille View Post
    Hello,

    I am an (X)NFP and have been married to an ISFJ for almost 6 years. As an NFP, it's super important to keep the peace and calm around me. My ISFJ is a wonderful friend and is in love with me. I haven't been in love with him for years now, sadly. This causes a great deal of confusion and pain for me, since I want to keep him happy and have a peaceful divorce (they do exist, believe it or not!).

    I've tried to tell him I wanted to leave, of course he didn't take it very well and told me he would want to die if I left. So of course, that confused me completely and made me stay. But I am not happy in this marriage and ready to move on with my life. The only reason I stay, is to make sure that he is happy. I pretend everything is fine but have completely detached myself from him emotionally. Ideally, I would like for him to find someone else before I leave, so he doesn't have to suffer as much as possible. I have come to the conclusion that this is the only way I will ever feel at peace with leaving.

    What is the best way to let an ESFJ, who still thinks he in love with me, know I want a divorce? And I know this sounds absolutely horrible, but what's the best way to push an ESFJ into another woman's arms?

    Thanks for everyone's insight on this issue


    Error: this refer to splitting up with an ISTJ. This is much worse because they are awkward at first, and a second and third, and then they become vindictive and can be dangerous, more so if they are ESTJ.

    I know this does not help, but it is even worse for a INFJ.

    As an INFP your best match is a ENTP (who the Dog ISTJ will not trust). But the Horsemen ESFJ will hate the ENTP or be spooked.

    Anyrate, to cut an impossible situation short, your best bet is to go lesbian. With your Best Man who is a INTJ Hawk girl. Not many around, I'm afraid. Not the thespian types. You might find a INTP homosexual you can have a platonic relationship with. The gang of Dogs ISTJ will probably beat him up.
    Last edited by Perseus; 02-27-2010 at 02:58 AM.

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  5. #4
    Unknown Personality

    Dear Gawd...

    Okay, 1st of all, LISTEN TO SASLOU!!! good advice there.

    2nd: There's no such thing as a break-up that doesn't make someone suffer. And a divorce after 6 years? Yeah, that's gonna hurt like hell no matter what you do. Doubtful things'll be all 'peace and calm' for quite a while. I imagine it would take quite some time apart to heal and let him get over you before you could really even start to be friends again, if at all.

    3rd: Don't let him pull that "I'd die without you/ I'll kill myself if you leave me" crap. That's manipulative, possessive, and desperately clingy. I've known a lot of guys who've pulled this crap to keep sucking women back into abusive relationships. There's nobody in this world we can't learn to live without. If you think they're actually gonna do something, call the police or inform their family. If they off themselves because they couldn't handle things, that's on them.

    All that said, have you done any marriage counseling? Have you discussed your unhappiness in the relationship and tried to resolve it? Done anything to try and reignite the passion in the relationship?

    I'm incredibly confused here. He's a 'wonderful friend', you 'want to make sure he's happy'(which means you still care), you were in love at some point....what, is he being abusive or something? Taking you for granted? lack of communication? If you've been 'pretending everything is fine' then how the heck was he supposed to know there was a problem in the relationship? .....married people just confuse the hell outta me sometimes. I swear.

    Ya know what, read through this post in the NF forum:
    https://personalitycafe.com/nfs-tempe...-love-nfs.html

    ...and fer Gawd's sakes, don't try to push him into the arms of another woman. You're his WIFE and he says he's still in love with you and you're ENCOURAGING him to cheat on you!?!? ENDORSING it, even!?

    I'm officially 2nd-ing Saslou's advice: Grow a pair.

    To Saslou: Interesting question you raise
    Oh and on a personal note .. What is it with NFP's claiming to be all caring, no drama, no conflict then do the me, me, me bullshit but in disguise of i am trying to help you??????
    Imma go with the empathy thing. Personally, making the people I care about happy makes me happy. Its kinda self-serving. I've had a similar argument with others about 'altruism'. I think altruism is bullshit just for the simple fact that helping others makes YOU feel good. People would be a lot less inclined to help others if they didn't get any emotional satisfaction out of it or just plain felt like crap for doing it. Also, the 'me,me,me in disguise' thing I think is due to immaturity. People really just need to suck it up and realize there's always gonna be conflict in life. Its a matter of growing up and learning how to deal with things calmly and rationally instead of just always looking for ways to avoid it. I used to be kinda placating until I realized that sometimes ya just gotta be willing to piss people off to get anything done. Doesn't mean you have to be an asshole, I still like diplomacy and compromise, but I'm still learning to be an asshole because sometimes its the only thing people understand.

    Don't know if that answers your question, but its all I got right now.
    Last edited by Phoenix400; 02-26-2010 at 09:20 PM.
    saslou and Arclight thanked this post.

  6. #5
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by abeille View Post
    Hello,

    I am an (X)NFP and have been married to an ISFJ for almost 6 years. As an NFP, it's super important to keep the peace and calm around me. My ISFJ is a wonderful friend and is in love with me. I haven't been in love with him for years now, sadly. This causes a great deal of confusion and pain for me, since I want to keep him happy and have a peaceful divorce (they do exist, believe it or not!).

    I've tried to tell him I wanted to leave, of course he didn't take it very well and told me he would want to die if I left. So of course, that confused me completely and made me stay. But I am not happy in this marriage and ready to move on with my life. The only reason I stay, is to make sure that he is happy. I pretend everything is fine but have completely detached myself from him emotionally. Ideally, I would like for him to find someone else before I leave, so he doesn't have to suffer as much as possible. I have come to the conclusion that this is the only way I will ever feel at peace with leaving.

    What is the best way to let an ESFJ, who still thinks he in love with me, know I want a divorce? And I know this sounds absolutely horrible, but what's the best way to push an ESFJ into another woman's arms?

    Thanks for everyone's insight on this issue
    HI..
    I am an NF and I was married for 6 years to an ESFJ..
    Like you I became unhappy
    I loved my wife .. but Not in the way a husband should should love his wife..
    I tried, But love isn't about trying all the time..
    And like you it wasn't her.. it was me with the problem
    I also hoped she would find someone and leave me .. which would have made things easy.
    When that didn't happen , I ended up in someones else's arms
    and OMFG.. what a mess.

    If hindsight is 20/20 and you want an amicable divorce
    Then do not do any such thing as have an affair or hope he has one.
    From someone who had no balls to deal with this.. listen to people the people who are telling you to "grow a pair"
    The "amicable" split will ONLY happen if you are honest and brave.. everything else will kill your soul.. As an NF do you really think you can escape your own shame? your own guilt?
    Can you really go against your high and lofty values and expect to come away without scars?
    Not a fucking chance Hun..

    I am in pieces, my ex wife is in pieces and so is the woman who I had the affair with,
    because I was a selfish prick who though I could control and manipulate the situation.. and if you keep down this path you will be nothing but a selfish manipulating prick yourself.
    And I bet you will not be able to outrun yourself. and when you catch up with you, there will a heavy price to pay..

    Good luck!

  7. #6
    Unknown Personality

    If I'm reading you right, I'd say, that you have someone else in your life and have for awhile. Have you tried counseling yet?


     

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