[ESFJ] a quiet ESFJ

a quiet ESFJ

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  • 1 Post By Lisa Rangga
  • 5 Post By Pockyist
  • 3 Post By rd93
  • 17 Post By KeepingItClassy
  • 15 Post By lenabelle

This is a discussion on a quiet ESFJ within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; I have an ESFJ classmate. I think he likes me (I often heard some joke that he likes me, winks ...

  1. #1

    PLEASE HELP ME ESFJs

    I have an ESFJ classmate. I think he likes me (I often heard some joke that he likes me, winks at me (more than one time), sometimes he's a bit flirty and he acts a bit weird around me).
    But he never told me about his feelings. We often walk home together with the other classmates. He's loud, talks a lot and VERY social when we walk together with our other classmates. But when they're gone and left just the two of us, he tend to be silence or quite.

    I don't like it, because he's not the real him and it was awkward. I tried to make a conversation, but always failed because I'm a bad speaker. He always answer my question with a simple answer like yes or no.

    I don't understand why he's quite and why it's hard to talk to him.

    Please help me...

    (sorry for my English, I'm not a fluent English speaker)
    Last edited by Lisa Rangga; 07-06-2013 at 06:18 AM.
    lenabelle thanked this post.



  2. #2
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by Lisa Rangga View Post
    We often walk home together with the other classmates. He's loud, talks a lot and VERY social when we walk together with our other classmates. But when they're gone and left just the two of us, he tend to be silence or quite.

    I don't like it, because he's not the real him and it was awkward. I tried to make a conversation, but always failed because I'm a bad speaker. He always answer my question with a simple answer like yes or no.

    I don't understand why he's quite and why it's hard to talk to him.
    I'm always super nervous when I'm around somebody that I like and want to impress. It's easy to be loud in a group, because the attention of the person-of-interest is not solely on me. But when I'm in a one-on-one situation, it could be difficult for me to think of an interesting topic to talk about. (I don't want the other person to think I'm boring or lame, after all.) Advice? Bring up a topic that interests you, something that YOU can speak about forever. He'll chime in, I guarantee it. Or ask him open-ended questions that aren't in the yes/no format. ESFJs will open up readily once they're given a starting point; you've just gotta give him one!

  3. #3
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    I get quiet around people I like. I get nervous/wait as long as possible to communicate aside from necessary surface interactions. Usually it's because I need to collect more data on them so I have the sufficient tools for amiable interaction. Sounds mechanical but it happens very unconsciously and revolves heavily around Fe gathering social data.

    He's probably containing his fuzzy feelings because he's either worried you know and doesn't want to say anything because he isn't sure what you think/feel and doesn't want to be made vulnerable. Or he is waiting to work up the nerve to approach you about it. Although ESFJs may be notoriously social and outward, they fear rejection most and are sensitive, so when it comes to precious feelings they will most certainly be guarded.
    stickr, Pockyist and PeachyKeener thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    It all comes from our desire to not... well... fail. Not to sound shallow, but ESFJs are very conscious about their image, and I'm sure that if he's an ESFJ he has thought about the concept of failing / rejection that may come from asking you out, and he's worried about how others would see that. I agree with what the others have said. Pick something that will for sure prompt a non yes or no answer, that'll get him to open up.

    By the way, never in your initial post did you say whether or not YOU liked him back. If you do, be a little bit more up front. We ESFJ's are tentative about taking social risks because of the fear of rejection. Show him you're interested, that is, if you are, and he'll open up right away.
    Lisa Rangga, Lisa Rangga, Lisa Rangga and 14 others thanked this post.

  6. #5
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Everyone here has already given great advice. I'll chime in by saying I tend to get very aloof and quiet (great poker face) around the people that I like unless they show me that they like me too. The poor guy is probably super nervous around you, hoping you don't realize and leave him in a vulnerable position. Lighten the mood by talking about something that he is passionate about and go from there. Respond to him warmly and if you care for him, show it! He will react with more confidence with some encouragement on your part.
    Lisa Rangga, Lisa Rangga, Lisa Rangga and 12 others thanked this post.

  7. #6

    I think I have seen the same, actually. It was very cute... but then again, I get overwhelmed/shy myself. I didn't know how to take it or deal with it on his end, so I just continued to make conversation in some form. I'm a chatterbox... once I told him this and then apologized for taking so much of his time and he just simply said... no, it's okay. I felt really accepted and cared for. It's fairly rare for me to feel shy, but it does happen as an ENFP... seems for the same reason about rejection. I'm also very sensitive to it.

    Um, tldr; ENFP's are shy, too. ESFJ's seem shy. Talk about things, and eventually things might move towards something. Might be a glacier a bit, maybe?

  8. #7
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by KeepingItClassy View Post
    It all comes from our desire to not... well... fail. Not to sound shallow, but ESFJs are very conscious about their image, and I'm sure that if he's an ESFJ he has thought about the concept of failing / rejection that may come from asking you out, and he's worried about how others would see that. I agree with what the others have said. Pick something that will for sure prompt a non yes or no answer, that'll get him to open up.
    I can back this up. I would much rather give indirect affection to someone than direct. I'll do most anything for someone that I love / care about; but if you ask me to speak my feelings direct and straight up without telling me 100 % explicitly with no contradictions beforehand, then you will get no answer. I had someone contradict what they felt about me in the same night and when they asked me straight up how i felt about them with a yes / no question I couldn't reply. It's not that I didn't know the answer at all; it's just I had this crippling fear from what they said earlier in the night that I was going to be rejected and told it was over.

    The short of the story, is that as people have said before, if you don't show him you care and make it painfully explicit - and i mean that other people probably wince at how obvious it is - that you like him (I'm assuming this is the case); then chances are you may never find out if he likes you.

    Unfortunately this approach always opens yourself up to rejection / humiliation rather than him.


     

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