[ESFJ] My wife wants to leave me because of her abortion. - Page 2

My wife wants to leave me because of her abortion.

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This is a discussion on My wife wants to leave me because of her abortion. within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; I feel bad for you and your wife. Your wife found a walk-in, no appointment necessary, 1st time visitor no ...

  1. #11
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    I feel bad for you and your wife. Your wife found a walk-in, no appointment necessary, 1st time visitor no counseling "don't care what emotional state she's in" abortion clinic that did an on the spot surgical procedure. It's sad that places like that are allowed to exist. She's lucky she came out of it with no permanent physical damage or infection.



    -ZDD

  2. #12

    Quote Originally Posted by purposive View Post
    Awhile ago my wife was pregnant. It was an early detection. I even arranged for her to get a blood test done, seeing how accurate that option was compared to the at home pregnancy tests. The results once again confirmed the first with postivity. We discussed that we are not to have children until after five years. Why five years? We would do most of our growing and maturity in that time span. Also, I am not all that keen on children initially, but after meeting my wife my opinion begin to slightly falter from its original plan. I did ask my wife about our plan - to abort an unwanted pregnancy. She told me straight on that if she were to end up pregnant outside of our timeframe agreement, that she would abort. Suddenly she changed her mind and told me she was keeping it. I was upset, and it took me some time to adjust (couple of weeks) than I slowly got used to the idea of having a child. Financially, having a baby wouldn't be a burden. In fact it's not an issue whatsoever. I didn't want a baby/child simply because I wasn't prepared and I would not be prepared. I understand that a lot of people weren't ready and they ended up being amazing parents. But I am not those people and when I know I am not ready and cannot do something to the best of my ability - than that is the definite truth.

    Back to the point.. my wife decided to abort the baby without really talking to me about it last week. I accompanied her to the clinic. But it was very sudden and quick and I could not even get a word on edge wise. I couldn't plan. I wasn't prepared. She just woke up, got dressed and decided that she was aborting. Fast forward to today. My wife now says she wants to leave me because I made her get an abortion. I am very confused at this point and I really have no idea what is going on in her mind. I really just need to talk to someone or anyone about this because this is extremely stressful and difficult. I haven't even thought to talk about this with my sisters or my best friends. I have no idea what is going on. It does hurt some part of me to be blamed for all of this. Initially I asked her about our plan to abort, but eventually I decided to be on her side, and stick with her decision to keep the baby. Some advice would be great.
    Seems like I remember a similar thread about this specific issue, and you were pretty adamant that you wanted an abortion. It sounds like she felt like you resented her resisting that and finally decided to do what you guys had agreed upon before the marriage. Now she resents that she felt pressured into doing this, regardless of what was said after the initial pressure.

    The only hope I see is if you guys go get some professional counseling. Talking it out on the forum with us might give you some ideas, but there needs to be a neutral professional third party involved during your actual discussions with this touchy subject. Divorce is an incredibly painful experience, as is the loss of a baby. I've been through both, I don't envy the road you have ahead of you.

    Go to counseling if you want to have any chance of saving your marriage is my recommendation.

  3. #13
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I think some of what's going may be that she reacted to your first reaction to finding out about her pregnancy, that stood out in her mind.. And it could be possible she was very frightened about what could be your attitude towards the child once he/she arrived.

    Also, I think she may have made that appointment a while ago, never cancelled it, and at the last minute made up her mind about going through with it. Is this what happened? I'm not aware of abortion clinics that allow walk in's without counsel of some sort, but then I don't know all the laws.

    Please, both of you talk to each other???

    I really hope everything works out.
    Last edited by PurpleDime; 08-08-2013 at 01:03 PM.
    lenabelle thanked this post.

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  5. #14
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by Zombie Devil Duckie View Post
    I feel bad for you and your wife. Your wife found a walk-in, no appointment necessary, 1st time visitor no counseling "don't care what emotional state she's in" abortion clinic that did an on the spot surgical procedure. It's sad that places like that are allowed to exist. She's lucky she came out of it with no permanent physical damage or infection.



    -ZDD
    It wasn't a walk-in. There was an appointment, they don't do walk-ins as far as my knowledge takes me. No offense but your comments are really offending me. This wasn't some black market job. They gave her a prescription for medication and antibiotics - I accompanied her right to the pharmacy to buy her medication while she vomitted next door due to the morphine. She was taken care of as she put it. After her abortion a nurse accompanied her and took care of her. My wife's words. She was fine after the procedure, I asked multiple times. We went to dinner after, things seemed great. And now suddenly I'm experiencing an entirely different person, literally.

  6. #15
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by purposive View Post
    I spoke to one of the nurses at the abortion clinic to get some information about the process. She did explain that my wife may go through some hormonal changes etc. it's confusing to me, because I asked her if she was certain about this and she said she was. Now suddenly things have changed and I seem to be the target. It does hurt, I would be lying if I said I did not care. I don't want her to leave our place so I am considering staying at a hotel downtown for however long I can until she feels more comfortable with me again. At the same time in not sure if this would work because she might see it as me abandoning her. I don't know what to do. To be honest I don't know if I feel comfortable speaking to a counselor.. My wife is being confusing now more then ever.
    Communication is critical right now. I know from experience with my INTJ dad that he has a very hard time communicating what he's thinking. He just kind of expects my mom and I to know what's going on in his head, and then arguments start because we misunderstood each other. It might be a good idea to give her space for a little while like you said, but before you leave, tell her how you are reconsidering your previous stances on having children in the future, that you believe in your marriage and want to make it work, and that you love and support her completely. If you do decide to stay at a hotel for a bit, check up on her once in a while to make sure she's doing okay, but don't be overbearing, since this is what she's complaining about to start with.

    Okay, back to what happened. As an ESFJ, I'm trying to think of it from her point of view and have kinda pieced together this thought process based on what you have mentioned. This may be totally wrong, but this is my understanding of it so far.
    1) Oh my god, I'm pregnant. Even though we agreed we would abort, now that I'm pregnant I want to keep it, but my husband doesn't want children.
    (Then you express surprise, fear, and confusion. She interprets this, along with your previous agreement to abort, as your wish for her to undergo an abortion.)
    2) I will get an abortion if I have to, since having an unwanted child will ruin our marriage and the child's wellbeing.
    (Then you tell her that you have come round to the idea of having children and would support the baby.)
    3) He is just saying this because he loves me, but what if later, he changes his mind? What if he is just being coerced into being happy about the baby? It's safer to just abort rather than build up resentment for later. I want us both to be sure about our desire to have kids before we have them.
    (Your wife tells you she's going to get an abortion. You're confused and surprised and decide to just support her with her decision to abort.)
    4. He's agreeing with my decision to abort the baby because he didn't want it in the first place.

    Having talked to women who had abortions before, the feeling of grief, loss, and guilt is enormous, even for women who thought they wanted the abortion. She is also hormonal right now, so the combination of all of this is very stressful for her. She is taking her feelings out on you (stressed out Fe) because you are the easiest person to blame and because of the thought process I mentioned earlier.
    Jennywocky, killerB, Trinidad and 4 others thanked this post.

  7. #16

    Quote Originally Posted by purposive View Post
    It wasn't a walk-in. There was an appointment, they don't do walk-ins as far as my knowledge takes me. No offense but your comments are really offending me. This wasn't some black market job. They gave her a prescription for medication and antibiotics - I accompanied her right to the pharmacy to buy her medication while she vomitted next door due to the morphine. She was taken care of as she put it. After her abortion a nurse accompanied her and took care of her. My wife's words. She was fine after the procedure, I asked multiple times. We went to dinner after, things seemed great. And now suddenly I'm experiencing an entirely different person, literally.
    She is physically "fine". Emotionally she is a train wreck. In her mind she just killed her child, there will be a huge amount of guilt for her for the remainder of her life surrounding that, I've witnessed it firsthand with others that have gone through this. I realize you may see this in very black and white terms, but she does not, she saw that fetus as her child.

    You've got a long road ahead of you, and a lot to learn about how most women see the world. I'll reiterate my suggestion that you both need to go to counseling to work through this.
    Jennywocky, Dewymorning and Swede thanked this post.

  8. #17
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by bluekitdon View Post
    She is physically "fine". Emotionally she is a train wreck. In her mind she just killed her child, there will be a huge amount of guilt for her for the remainder of her life surrounding that, I've witnessed it firsthand with others that have gone through this. I realize you may see this in very black and white terms, but she does not, she saw that fetus as her child.

    You've got a long road ahead of you, and a lot to learn about how most women see the world. I'll reiterate my suggestion that you both need to go to counseling to work through this.
    Yes. I am aware of that option. Thanks. I did not tell her to get an abortion. Initially yes I wanted that, but we talked and I told her that I would support her and looked forward to it. It's her body and I can't tell her what to do with her body. I know that no matter what I said or had planned, ultimately it would be her decision. It may sound like I am escaping responsibility but I have a hard time accepting blame. I plan on talking to her this evening. If that doesn't work, I will stay somewhere else and continue to check in on her.

  9. #18

    Quote Originally Posted by purposive View Post
    Yes. I am aware of that option. Thanks. I did not tell her to get an abortion. Initially yes I wanted that, but we talked and I told her that I would support her and looked forward to it. It's her body and I can't tell her what to do with her body. I know that no matter what I said or had planned, ultimately it would be her decision. It may sound like I am escaping responsibility but I have a hard time accepting blame. I plan on talking to her this evening. If that doesn't work, I will stay somewhere else and continue to check in on her.
    Sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. There is a phrase that comes to mind...sometimes it is better to be happy than it is to be right. I had a hard time with this in my first marriage, I always wanted to be right. If there is a winner in a fight, then that means there is a loser, and people don't like to lose on a regular basis. Try to just be there for your wife and not play the blame game if you can help it, sounds like there was some fault and missed communications on both sides. Do your best to really listen before saying anything.

    Good luck, I really hope things work out for you guys.

  10. #19
    ENTP - The Visionaries


    Quote Originally Posted by JamesSteal View Post
    You could always go on Dr. Phil, he has experience with these kinds of marital issues. Maybe even Maury if there's a chance the baby might have not been yours.
    not-cool-bro.jpg
    lenabelle, Dewymorning, Schweeeeks and 3 others thanked this post.

  11. #20
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by purposive View Post
    Awhile ago my wife was pregnant. It was an early detection. I even arranged for her to get a blood test done, seeing how accurate that option was compared to the at home pregnancy tests. The results once again confirmed the first with postivity. We discussed that we are not to have children until after five years. Why five years? We would do most of our growing and maturity in that time span. Also, I am not all that keen on children initially, but after meeting my wife my opinion begin to slightly falter from its original plan. I did ask my wife about our plan - to abort an unwanted pregnancy. She told me straight on that if she were to end up pregnant outside of our timeframe agreement, that she would abort. Suddenly she changed her mind and told me she was keeping it. I was upset, and it took me some time to adjust (couple of weeks) than I slowly got used to the idea of having a child. Financially, having a baby wouldn't be a burden. In fact it's not an issue whatsoever. I didn't want a baby/child simply because I wasn't prepared and I would not be prepared. I understand that a lot of people weren't ready and they ended up being amazing parents. But I am not those people and when I know I am not ready and cannot do something to the best of my ability - than that is the definite truth.

    Back to the point.. my wife decided to abort the baby without really talking to me about it last week. I accompanied her to the clinic. But it was very sudden and quick and I could not even get a word on edge wise. I couldn't plan. I wasn't prepared. She just woke up, got dressed and decided that she was aborting. Fast forward to today. My wife now says she wants to leave me because I made her get an abortion. I am very confused at this point and I really have no idea what is going on in her mind. I really just need to talk to someone or anyone about this because this is extremely stressful and difficult. I haven't even thought to talk about this with my sisters or my best friends. I have no idea what is going on. It does hurt some part of me to be blamed for all of this. Initially I asked her about our plan to abort, but eventually I decided to be on her side, and stick with her decision to keep the baby. Some advice would be great.

    This is exactly what I was afraid of when you first started posting about not being supportive of your wife's pregnancy. She ended up killing a baby she wanted to keep. She did it because of you, whether you acknowledge your role or not, and now she resents you for it. She felt pressured and alone at a time when she needed you, and as a consequence, the worst-case scenario played out. This is probably going to hurt her for the rest of her life, and even if she never forgives you, her feelings are valid.

    However, I understand that you are probably hurting right now, too. Despite warnings from several PerC members in a previous thread, you were sincerely unprepared. You didn't believe your fear of having a child would impact her in this way. Now that it has, if you ever want to have even a slight chance of getting her to trust you again, be extra sensitive about her feelings and take responsibility for the influence you had on the situation. She is hurting more than you will ever understand, and you are partly responsible for the death of her child. It will probably take a long time to even begin to heal the damage, and even longer to heal the relationship if doing so is possible at all.

    I am so sorry for your loss.



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