[ESFJ] ISFJ/ESFJ dating relationship, ESFJ MEN HELP!!

ISFJ/ESFJ dating relationship, ESFJ MEN HELP!!

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  • 1 Post By Kodie Loiler
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This is a discussion on ISFJ/ESFJ dating relationship, ESFJ MEN HELP!! within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; My boyfriend and I have almost been dating for two months. I'm American and he is from China, this is ...

  1. #1
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    ISFJ/ESFJ dating relationship, ESFJ MEN HELP!!

    My boyfriend and I have almost been dating for two months. I'm American and he is from China, this is not a long-distance relationship. We go to the same high school. We had a little bump in the road, and he told me I was sometimes selfish and that bothered him. That when he thought about the future and of possible marriage it gave him axiety, slightly scared him, and in present made him quite angry. Marriage is a long ways and I told him thinking about that now is too much. However, I agree that I can be selfish, mostly only with my mom and I understand family respect is important to him. I know I'm a jerk to her and I'm trying to be more considerate of her. So that's not the problem. The thing is...it also has to do with the way i "treat" him.

    He always comes to walk me to my classes. Opens the car door for me. Buys me things. Always showers me in love. Meets me during breaks. Pays for me. Texts me first. Always notices when I am upset.

    And all I can ever do, is accept his kindness. I don't know what to do in return.I do not have a lot of money but on important holidays or birthdays i put a lot of effort to make him a gift. I am learning how to cook right now so I can become more responsible and win his heart through his stomach. He loves it when I do girly things like cook and clean so I'm working hard to improve those skills. I never freak out when he opens up about something thats bothering him about others or me, I am calm. I want to show him I appreciate him, because he hates always doing "everything." I need help on how to make him feel loooooved just as much as I am loved by him even though I don't have money.

    I don't want to be considered clingy or become used/abused/bullied like I have been in previous relationships. need honest help!!
    Zombie Devil Duckie thanked this post.

  2. #2
    INTJ - The Scientists

    I know I'm not the perspective you're looking for, but I saw the post and thought to respond.

    So you guys have the same personality dimension preferences except introversion/extroversion and presumably that means you have similar values in how you approach social situations and what you expect from others (both cooperative/concrete, both extroverted feelers, both SFJs, however you want to look at this).

    Do you feel like your values differ from his in significant ways or do you feel like you have similar values but maybe in a slightly different order of importance? (For instance, some extroverts might feel that an introvert pulling away to recharge takes away from the relationship while the introvert views this as strengthening it.) When he calls you selfish, what does he mean?

    Other than that I guess I'd tell you to learn his love language and then speak it (as well as learning yours).

  3. #3
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    He didnt go much into it, but he mentioned mainly that he wants me to seek him out more and reach out. Our values are a little different yeah, the one you listed is how it can sometime be. Maybe he thinks I'm cold when I want my space, but I know being all "honeymoon" phase stuff doesnt make a lasting relationship. If we are able to do our own thing but also come together and do things together then i view it as strenghtening. If our relationship is always us being together, we won't have anything to bring forth into it or things to talk about except stare at each others faces haha.

    Love language >< I think he wants to be spoiled back I guess I'm just nervous he'll think my ideas are not good enough even though he says he doesnt care. As long as I think of him he's happy.

    There's also the whole cultural difference...american/chinese cultural difference ><

    I'll look into the love language! and nononono every opinion is wanted. Thank you so much!! It's really ironic that out of all the types you responded because my best friend of 3 years is an INTJ. xD

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  5. #4
    ISFJ - The Nurturers


  6. #5
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Sounds like you are on the right track. Money doesn't really matter, unless you make it an issue (I'd avoid going there...)

    One minor point

    He loves it when I do girly things like cook and clean so I'm working hard to improve those skills.
    Cooking is not a "girly" thing, nor is cleaning. I'm a better cook than most people I know, and I learned to iron and sew in the Military, so that's hardly "girly".

    Also, making gifts is more special than just buying something. Bake him some cookies (or whatever his favorite is), or just pay attention to him. That will show him how much you care.

    As I often tell my wife, I can get more "things", I'll only ever have 1 of her.


    Kodie Loiler, lenabelle and ikonographics thanked this post.


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