[ESFJ] Controling ESFJ Mother

Controling ESFJ Mother

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This is a discussion on Controling ESFJ Mother within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; You would think she was more ESTJ at times. Where should I start? I have been having a few personal ...

  1. #1
    ISFP - The Artists

    Controling ESFJ Mother

    You would think she was more ESTJ at times. Where should I start? I have been having a few personal problems that have been getting me down, and it's not like me to express everything, unlike herself who has some anger problems, and tells everyone how she feels. So anyway, without putting her down too much. Basically at one point she got information out of me, on what was getting me down, and then she starts arguing with me about it. We seem to have the same argument about my future over, and over again. She just doesn't seem to listen or understand.

    She only hears what she wants to. She knows I am unhappy but she approaches in the wrong way. She shouts at me instead of just talking. She used to do this when I was losing a lot of weight because of stress, and she never listened to my problems. She would just assume what was wrong, and what was the right way to go about it. She is really getting me down. I have a deadline now, and if I don't decide by the end of June, she said that I will be wishing that I was dead.

    She only controls who I see friends wise, and she banned me from seeing who is now my ex boyfriend. When I did go to see him, because obviously I want to. When she found out that I was seeing him, she guilt tripped me. I ended up sneaking out at seeing him twice in about two weeks. But because of this, he broke up with me. Now with me current boyfriend, she rings him, and bitches to him about me. He just agrees with her to make her happy. Which then gives her motive to say, "Even your boyfriend agrees with me." Which as you can imagine, makes me feel worse.

    I get all the hassle because the reaction I will give to her bullying is tears. Where as my brother will fight back. She is too afraid of him. And my dad is obviously an adult so he can speak up, although sometimes she can pick on him, when drunk.

    How do I basically get through to her, without her making me the bad guy?
    Coccinellidae thanked this post.



  2. #2
    ENTP - The Visionaries


    I despise ESFJs with a passion. You have my sympathy.

    Interestingly, ISFPs are actually meant to be highly compatible with ESFJs, which would suggest that your mother is only so disagreeable due to her commanding position. ESFJs naturally worry, especially when their loved ones are concerned which is probably why she is now being so controlling.

    Due to their highly irrational nature, an ESFJ will be unlikely to sit down and talk when emotionally incensed. Because of this, I would suggest approaching her when in a calm mood while being very careful not to raise the voice as this will likely be picked up by her high neuroticism as a threat and at the same time being as tactful as possible. If the discussion of what you want goes OK, your mother should be slightly more bearable

  3. #3
    Unknown Personality


    My mum is an ESFJ and also a control freak .. Swap?? Although i am 31 and she still tells me what to do.

    My advice, appease her .. Tell her what she wants to hear but don't give her any reason to go into detail, gosh, then they just go on .. and on .. and on ..


    I am an ESFJ but a more chilled out one .. Go out there, make your mistakes and live life

    OR you could really stress her out and make up some story .. No, that's horrid or just my evil sense of humour, lol
    firedell thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    ISFP - The Artists

    Quote Originally Posted by saslou View Post
    My mum is an ESFJ and also a control freak .. Swap?? Although i am 31 and she still tells me what to do.

    My advice, appease her .. Tell her what she wants to hear but don't give her any reason to go into detail, gosh, then they just go on .. and on .. and on ..


    I am an ESFJ but a more chilled out one .. Go out there, make your mistakes and live life

    OR you could really stress her out and make up some story .. No, that's horrid or just my evil sense of humour, lol
    I am nearly 20, and she wants me to act like an adult, but treats me like a baby. Wanting me to text her when I go out, to tell her I'm ok, I know she cares, but she should let me live a little.

    Telling her what she wants to hear is the story of my life. I just have to agree with her, to shut her whining up. But sometimes you can't conform to everything. I feel like I can never please her. Part of me wants to go to uni, just to get away from her.

  6. #5
    ENTP - The Visionaries


    Quote Originally Posted by inebriato View Post
    I am nearly 20, and she wants me to act like an adult, but treats me like a baby. Wanting me to text her when I go out, to tell her I'm ok, I know she cares, but she should let me live a little.

    Telling her what she wants to hear is the story of my life. I just have to agree with her, to shut her whining up. But sometimes you can't conform to everything. I feel like I can never please her. Part of me wants to go to uni, just to get away from her.
    The trick is to move out quickly. I'm setting up my escape plan from my ENTJ megalomaniac father.

  7. #6
    ISFP - The Artists

    Quote Originally Posted by echidna1000 View Post
    The trick is to move out quickly. I'm setting up my escape plan from my ENTJ megalomaniac father.
    Is it like The Great Escape?

  8. #7
    ENTP - The Visionaries


    Quote Originally Posted by inebriato View Post
    Is it like The Great Escape?
    Maybe, if I can find an excuse to build a tunnel in the garden. Otherwise, it's signing housing arrangement forms for UCL admission.

  9. #8
    ENTJ - The Executives

    I have a ESFJ mother and I've always questioned how we get along so well. When she sees me overemotional and basically off my hinge is when she begins to be shocked and worried about me. I notice as I get older, stand up for myself to her, take responsibility for who I am, she had loosened up.

    I would suggest taking her aside when she is in a CALM mood and talking about things rationally. It may be hard at first but it would be much better for the both of you. When you speak to her.. use beginnings like "I feel" "This has been making me feel upset" and try your best not to criticize her and her actions. Make it about your needs. When I do this with my ESFJ mum, she appreciates it.

    The best of luck!
    firedell thanked this post.

  10. #9
    Unknown Personality


    Quote Originally Posted by inebriato View Post
    I am nearly 20, and she wants me to act like an adult, but treats me like a baby. Wanting me to text her when I go out, to tell her I'm ok, I know she cares, but she should let me live a little.

    Telling her what she wants to hear is the story of my life. I just have to agree with her, to shut her whining up. But sometimes you can't conform to everything. I feel like I can never please her. Part of me wants to go to uni, just to get away from her.
    Shit .. I hate trying to see things from different angles.

    Although i haven't sat down and told my mother just how much she pisses me off sometimes, i have spoken to her in regards to my little sister (who is 18 and an ESFJ but very strong willed). I have told her to allow my sister to make her mistakes so she can learn her lessons from it. She seemed to listen at the time but it didn't last long.

    The problem my mother has is that she lost her mother when she was 20 months old so never grew up with a mum of her own. So now she is trying to make up for what she lost out on. Which is understandable.

    Ultimately we can not know what battles our parents are fighting but try and show some compassion to her situation. She does love you and clearly cares about your welfare, and like the other person stated, sit her down, explain how she did a great job raising you for which you are grateful for, but you need to fall sometimes yourself so you can learn to pick yourself up as your mother won't be around forever. Tell her should you ever have a problem you know where she is and will seek advice when it needed.

    And fingers crossed, it will work in your favour .. if not, move out.
    firedell thanked this post.


     

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