Please Help me deal with my ESFJ father...

Please Help me deal with my ESFJ father...

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This is a discussion on Please Help me deal with my ESFJ father... within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; I'm an ENTP teenager going crazy because my ESFP father does all of the following: Expects that I should do ...

  1. #1
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Please Help me deal with my ESFJ father...

    I'm an ENTP teenager going crazy because my ESFP father does all of the following:

    1. Expects that I should do whatever he says exactly when he says it. Not after I finish what I'm doing. Then later, he'll come complaining that I never do what he says.
    2. He'll expect me to do something without him asking. Listen, I never can tell what needs to be done because I don't really see anything wrong with it. And when I tell him that he need to ask me to do it, he throws another fit about how I am so lazy and don't do anything.
    3. Every time we go somewhere and he starts to worry and/or get nervous, decides that he must get angry and throw a fit like a five year old. Then after he starts yelling at me, does not comprehend why I am yelling back. Then if I cuss during the fight, the fight will change from whatever subject it started on to how I shouldn't cuss.
    4. He worries about everything. It drives me mad when my boyfriend and I sit in a room, doing nothing but talking, and my dad will pace around the kitchen or try to look in my room becuase he gets worried. Oh and heaven forbid we have the lights off...
    5. He interrupts with my freedom... He thinks that I am not old enough to act like an adult. For the past 7 months he has held me back from getting my drivers license becuase he believe that I am a smart ass child who doesn't know how to do anything for their self......

    My main point is, I'm going crazy with how he is trying to keep me a child and he worries too much. How am I going to deal with this? Now when I'm around him, it seems like all we do is fight. I'm starting to dislike even being around him. I love my dad and I want to fix this somehow but every time I try to talk to him about it, he get's upset and walks away.

    Please help.



  2. #2
    ESTJ - The Guardians

    Print this thread and give it to your Dad.





  3. #3
    INFP - The Idealists

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Chaotic View Post
    I'm an ENTP teenager going crazy because my ESFP father does all of the following:

    1. Expects that I should do whatever he says exactly when he says it. Not after I finish what I'm doing. Then later, he'll come complaining that I never do what he says.
    2. He'll expect me to do something without him asking. Listen, I never can tell what needs to be done because I don't really see anything wrong with it. And when I tell him that he need to ask me to do it, he throws another fit about how I am so lazy and don't do anything.
    3. Every time we go somewhere and he starts to worry and/or get nervous, decides that he must get angry and throw a fit like a five year old. Then after he starts yelling at me, does not comprehend why I am yelling back. Then if I cuss during the fight, the fight will change from whatever subject it started on to how I shouldn't cuss.
    4. He worries about everything. It drives me mad when my boyfriend and I sit in a room, doing nothing but talking, and my dad will pace around the kitchen or try to look in my room becuase he gets worried. Oh and heaven forbid we have the lights off...
    5. He interrupts with my freedom... He thinks that I am not old enough to act like an adult. For the past 7 months he has held me back from getting my drivers license becuase he believe that I am a smart ass child who doesn't know how to do anything for their self......

    My main point is, I'm going crazy with how he is trying to keep me a child and he worries too much. How am I going to deal with this? Now when I'm around him, it seems like all we do is fight. I'm starting to dislike even being around him. I love my dad and I want to fix this somehow but every time I try to talk to him about it, he get's upset and walks away.

    Please help.
    My INFJ mom did a couple of those things when I was growing up. The expectation of immediate response, even if it interrupted my focus, was always a little irritating, but I usually just ignored it until I was done with what I was working on, then did the chore immediately after, thoroughly enough to show I cared about pleasing her.

    The part where she expected me to know what she wanted may be the source of most of the conflict I had with her when I was a teenager. She felt like I was being inconsiderate or didn't care about doing my part, when in fact I simply didn't notice whatever it was she considered a problem, or didn't consider it important enough to worry about. This was compounded by the fact that she usually only did it when she was stressed out from work. It was just a way of trying to regain control. A lot of J types clean when they're upset. If they lack the energy or feel like they have been over-burdened, they may demand that others do it instead. I would be working on my homework, doing artwork, writing a story where the ideas had to be jotted down as quickly as they flowed into my head, or eating dinner, and if she started complaining about how there were clothes to fold or dishes to wash from the day before, I would feel helpless to fend off her disappointment. I hadn't been asked to do those things, and I was too busy being creative to even notice that there were chores I could be doing instead.

    I never confronted her about it because, other than that one tiny complaint, she was, and still is, an ideal parent. I don't know what your relationship with your dad is like, or how important it is for you to resolve these issues. If the problem is serious, I suggest at least mentioning it, because he might not be aware of why there is tension. He might legitimately think it is because you are apathetic rather than because you are struggling with standards that don't come naturally to you.

    The other problems seem like trust issues. I don't know if there is a reason he feels like he can't trust you, or if he is merely fiercely protective of you because he expresses his love in a destructive, fearful manner. You might want to ask him, and if there is any doubt, reassure him that he raised you to be responsible.




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  5. #4
    INTP - The Thinkers

    He is turning into a Camel.

    Camels tell lies without feeling guilty, get the hump easily, spit nasty things about other people exagerating small faults out of proportion and context.

    Beware, don't believe nasty things a third person (a Trusted Dog ISTJ) may say about your boyfriend. They may very well have been engineered by a Camel.

    Camels know about Snakes (ENTP) because both live in a Desert. Cultivate friends to be on your side. This might be the straw that breaks the Camel's back! It will help if you need a new rock to hide under.

  6. #5
    INTJ - The Scientists

    (We'll see how much of a 'T' you really are...)

    I think this is more a Father/Teen issue, than a personality issue.

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Chaotic View Post
    I'm an ENTP teenager going crazy because my ESFP father does all of the following:

    1. Expects that I should do whatever he says exactly when he says it. Not after I finish what I'm doing. Then later, he'll come complaining that I never do what he says.


    That's because most teenagers (probably you included) put it off until you're "done" and then conveniently forget, and think that forgetting is a proper reason for not having done it. (Yes, multiple teens with various personalities all do this.)

    1. He'll expect me to do something without him asking. Listen, I never can tell what needs to be done because I don't really see anything wrong with it. And when I tell him that he need to ask me to do it, he throws another fit about how I am so lazy and don't do anything.

    That's because most teenagers intentionally blind themselves to what needs to be done, especially if it is their responsibility to do it. Again, not a personality issue.

    If you want to have grown up privileges, start by acting like a responsible grownup and do things that need doing without being asked.

    1. Every time we go somewhere and he starts to worry and/or get nervous, decides that he must get angry and throw a fit like a five year old. Then after he starts yelling at me, does not comprehend why I am yelling back. Then if I cuss during the fight, the fight will change from whatever subject it started on to how I shouldn't cuss.

    It's a father's job to worry. Especially about daughters. Tell him when you'll be home, and then come home early. End of problem.

    Oh, and don't cuss.. It makes you sound unintelligent. End of that problem, too.


    1. He worries about everything. It drives me mad when my boyfriend and I sit in a room, doing nothing but talking, and my dad will pace around the kitchen or try to look in my room becuase he gets worried. Oh and heaven forbid we have the lights off...

    Again, it's his job to worry. And it is bad practice for you and your bf to be in your bedroom alone. Go sit in the living room or the family room or someplace where other people are.

    He interrupts with my freedom... He thinks that I am not old enough to act like an adult. For the past 7 months he has held me back from getting my drivers license becuase he believe that I am a smart ass child who doesn't know how to do anything for their self.
    Again, take on the responsibilities of being an adult, and you'll earn the privileges. They go together. Again, father hat, here: If you really want to impress me, be responsible. Do more than the minimum to get by. Pick up trash that isn't yours. Do the dishes when it's not your turn. Notice that laundry needs to be done and do it. Do the extra stuff to actually participate in the family rather than the minimum to keep a room for yourself.

    .....My main point is, I'm going crazy with how he is trying to keep me a child and he worries too much. How am I going to deal with this? Now when I'm around him, it seems like all we do is fight. I'm starting to dislike even being around him. I love my dad and I want to fix this somehow but every time I try to talk to him about it, he get's upset and walks away.

    Please help.
    Dads and teenage daughters... it happens. You're trying to act like you have adult privileges, your dad is insisting that you take on adult responsibilities. It's a struggle you will go through for your freedom until you move out.

    Chill out. Open your eyes. Do stuff without being told. Actually DO the things you're told to do, and DON'T FORGET THAT HE TOLD YOU. Don't sit in your bedroom with your bf. Tell the 'rents what time you'll be home, and be early. Stop cussing. In fact, stop yelling back at your Dad altogether. Listen, say, "yes Father", and move on.

    If you want to be a grownup, then grow up.

  7. #6
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Chaotic View Post
    I'm an ENTP teenager going crazy because my ESFP father does all of the following:

    1. Expects that I should do whatever he says exactly when he says it. Not after I finish what I'm doing. Then later, he'll come complaining that I never do what he says.
    2. He'll expect me to do something without him asking. Listen, I never can tell what needs to be done because I don't really see anything wrong with it. And when I tell him that he need to ask me to do it, he throws another fit about how I am so lazy and don't do anything.
    3. Every time we go somewhere and he starts to worry and/or get nervous, decides that he must get angry and throw a fit like a five year old. Then after he starts yelling at me, does not comprehend why I am yelling back. Then if I cuss during the fight, the fight will change from whatever subject it started on to how I shouldn't cuss.
    4. He worries about everything. It drives me mad when my boyfriend and I sit in a room, doing nothing but talking, and my dad will pace around the kitchen or try to look in my room becuase he gets worried. Oh and heaven forbid we have the lights off...
    5. He interrupts with my freedom... He thinks that I am not old enough to act like an adult. For the past 7 months he has held me back from getting my drivers license becuase he believe that I am a smart ass child who doesn't know how to do anything for their self......
    My main point is, I'm going crazy with how he is trying to keep me a child and he worries too much. How am I going to deal with this? Now when I'm around him, it seems like all we do is fight. I'm starting to dislike even being around him. I love my dad and I want to fix this somehow but every time I try to talk to him about it, he get's upset and walks away.

    Please help.
    I had the same problem with my dad. Each time we try to talk it would end in a quarrel or one of us angry with other. All of items 1-5 are situations my dad and I been through. He'll often say I'm sarcastic or a smart ass. I would say he's egotistical and tempermental. However, we have come to an understanding with one another. I had to listen when he talked to me and in return he would listen(sometimes). If you have to sit down and have talk with your dad. Talk to him in a repectable manner and explain the troubles you're having. Explain places where you were wrong and try to improve. Hopefully, he can see where you're coming from and you can both discuss it without a total arms race for words. Good luck, luv.

  8. #7
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Quote Originally Posted by themuzicman View Post
    In fact, stop yelling back at your Dad altogether. Listen, say, "yes Father", and move on.

    If you want to be a grownup, then grow up.
    I know it is a teen issue...but there is one problem...I refuse to be talked to like a dog. Half the time I don't understand why he yells because it comes from no where. There have been times that he has said he's sorry. Last time I asked him to stop yelling, he reacted like a five year old being scolded. He stomped off to the bedroom, slammed the door, and said this: "I can't say anything to you!"

    I will admit, reading back over the post above that I am acting immature about the situation and basically the first post was a rant on the things he does that drives me off the wall. Next time I post, I'll try not to post when I'm upset because I come off sounding really stupid.

    And to snail...there is probably only one reason why he is being protective and that is because I'm his only child. He knows that I don't do anything considered wrong by his standards (drugs, sex, drink, ect). The reason I'm getting so angry about his over protectiveness is becuase it came out of no where. Just a month ago, he didn't care what I did and didn't have to have me call him or be home early. Suddenly, he wants me home early, from where ever.... His only reasoning behind it was that I am growing up, he's an only parent, and he is just getting more worried about it.

    I wouldn't mind him not giving me freedom, but taking it away is something I cannot stand.

    Also, boys seem lucky becuase dads seem to trust them more...

  9. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie Chaotic View Post
    I know it is a teen issue...but there is one problem...I refuse to be talked to like a dog. Half the time I don't understand why he yells because it comes from no where. There have been times that he has said he's sorry. Last time I asked him to stop yelling, he reacted like a five year old being scolded. He stomped off to the bedroom, slammed the door, and said this: "I can't say anything to you!"

    I will admit, reading back over the post above that I am acting immature about the situation and basically the first post was a rant on the things he does that drives me off the wall. Next time I post, I'll try not to post when I'm upset because I come off sounding really stupid.

    And to snail...there is probably only one reason why he is being protective and that is because I'm his only child. He knows that I don't do anything considered wrong by his standards (drugs, sex, drink, ect). The reason I'm getting so angry about his over protectiveness is becuase it came out of no where. Just a month ago, he didn't care what I did and didn't have to have me call him or be home early. Suddenly, he wants me home early, from where ever.... His only reasoning behind it was that I am growing up, he's an only parent, and he is just getting more worried about it.

    I wouldn't mind him not giving me freedom, but taking it away is something I cannot stand.

    Also, boys seem lucky becuase dads seem to trust them more...
    Hmm. I've read through this thread, and to be honest, I don't think there's really going to be a very effective way to handle this, especially if you don't want to hurt your dad. I do think it might help if you explain the Myers-Briggs personality type theory to him and explain that you naturally need more space and independence than he does, while reminding him that he's taught you good morals, and that it's nothing personal against him (even if you have to lie, that is an important point to tell him, trust me ).

    As for dads trusting boys more than girls, it does seem to be true in some cases. My dad thinks it's okay for boys to have premarital sex, but not girls. He is also prejudiced against gay people (my dad is extremely closed-minded). So... who are the boys supposed to have sex with, again?
    zanderp thanked this post.

  10. #9
    ENTJ - The Executives

    My mom is the same type. I've tried all kinds of confrontations and nothing is a permanent fix.
    Just smile and nod and count down the days 'til you move out.

  11. #10
    ENTJ - The Executives

    I was thinking the same thing.
    Good luck.


     
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