Please if you need practical details etc, ask me questions or for clarifications :)
This is perhaps a little bit abstract but I tried my best to describe my issue....
First of all - there has been no actual romantic things happening with me and this ESFJ, is has been all back and forth but no physical involvment or deep emotional due to circumstances for both of us. I don't know where to start because this would be so long to explain it all.
From the first time I saw him, he was (in my eyes, I think for other people he is quite normal looking tbh) the most beautiful man I had ever seen, and I know this is going to sound so stupid, but I loved him from that moment. Getting to know him a little bit, he is as beautiful on the inside as on the outside.
In December he said some very hurtful things to me in an attempt to manipulate me, and I think the worst part for me was that I was very upset at the time because I had mentioned some things that had made him upset and defensive and I was desperate to apologize and do anything to fix it if possible, and he took advantage of the emotional distress I was in to hurt and manipulate/control me, all with a smile he couldn't hide because he was so proud of himself of having succeeded in actually hit me in the right spot.
I can't know what he was thinking, of course, but I feel pretty sure he at that time only attempted to manipulate me so he would regain control of "his world" and that I would be back to try to make up with him again, at which point I *think* he meant to accept, having put me in my place, sort of.
I just couldn't do it though - I admired and looked up to him so much that I can't even describe it, and all of a sudden he felt like a person that I couldn't even respect. It is very hard, not to say impossible, for me to love and like someone that I can't admire. I just withdrew completely from him, even though we live and work on the same street I made sure we wouldn't even run into each other. After a few weeks of being in hiding, I went back to being at a shop next to where he lives (I take pictures there for a blog and spend hours at a time visible from the street). Everytime I was there, I saw him at least once, often several times, walk past, slow down and look for me. And that was just the times that I happened to be looking out the shop window and see him, I don't think he walked past 20 times per evening but at least a few times per day. I really didn't know what to make of it, and in typical distressed INFP-fashion I guess felt completely at a loss for what I would even say to him anyway, so I just didn't do anything.
Since he has a business on the same street, and I used to be his customer, I had a friend of mine call him last week (three months later from last time we spoke) to make an appointment with him for me (I couldn't bring myself to call myself, afraid that I wouldn't know what to say) and he just said no, that wouldn't be so smart.
This friend that talked to him told me to forget him, he obviously doesn't want to know me anymore.
Intellectually I don't see that I have much choice in the matter - I just wish I could get some closure and understanding of what happened.
In some way I also think that he isn't happy with us just ignoring each other, even if we will not be together or even be friends, that is the best explaination I can think of for him going past and looking for me everyday for weeks.
In a way why I love him so much and want to be with him (even if I can accept that it won't ever happen) is that when misunderstandings have happened in the past we are both wanting things to be sorted out. Mostly this has had to happen on my initative though, he has a tendency to not say anything but instead withdraw or try to do practical things to make things better.
It has been three months now and the pain he caused has gone away, the hurt has healed and I miss him so much.
But I can't force myself on him again, after he has said that he doesn't even want me as a customer again. (I thought that would be a neutral way of seeing him again) I really do not want to corner him on the street and I'm pretty sure I can't just act casual if I happen to run into him.
I guess I feel that he has just moved on and left me here, now when the pain is finally over and I can look up to him again because I have worked it out in my head. I think I understand why he said the things he said, and because he himself is very bad at figuring out why he feels in a certain way or does the things he does. He has a tendency to not think at all but jump in and do rash things that turn out to be mistakes and it seems like it is my job to figure out how it all happened and when I then explain things, I can see relief on his face that I put both our feelings and reactions in order, and how much I appreciate him being how he is (sweet and caring, and taking the "blame" quietly until he has calmed me down enough for me to do my part in making things right - up until the point in December).
Basically I feel that this was such a big thing for me, to accept the cruelty he tried to control me with, that it has taken me this long to understand and be able to see things from his perspective and put things in their place from both our sides... and now it's too late to even get closure.
I will always love him and miss him, he is one of the most special people I have ever met. I can accept not being with him, although I wish he would be friends with me, but to always remember the last time I interacted with him as that time he manipulated me and took advantage of my weakness instead of the sweet person he normally is just makes me cry.
In a way I guess I have no choice but to accept whatever he has decided to do, like not wanting to know me anymore, but for me I just feel such a need to remember him as the perfect person that he is. And now, I'm starting to wonder if I am all wrong - I guess it is typical of an INFP to try to put the world together in their head, but it is only a way to understand things, it isn't actual reality.
I'm starting to doubt if he really is the sweet person or the cruel person, and in a stupid way I guess not having him to look up to feels worse to me than possibly not having him in my life.
I just don't know at all what to practially DO at this point. I'm at a complete loss. Maybe he does feel as if we had never known eachother and that I'm just some random person.
I should say that there is nothing that I wouldn't do to resolve this, I have no pride in that sense, but I would like to know that I'm doing the right thing in his eyes and I just have no clue what that would be.
I do feel that IF there would ever be anything between us, even friendship, it is up to me to fix this situation. I would like to think there might still be some sort of chance of a resolution, I'm just so afraid to do more damage in my attempts than I have already done.
If he has permanently closed the door, then that will be it, of course. But I don't want to give up before I have at least tried. He is so special and unique to me. In the leading up to the "incident" I carefully mentioned this and he said that oh, he was nothing special but I think he at least at that time was open to me explaining why he is so special to me. But I can't force him to listen to emotional things he doesn't want to hear, especially now.
For some reason, in my heart I still have hope. Not the kind of desperate hope, but a warm sense that it can all work out. So I'm here hoping someone might be able to advice me.
My best friend in school was an ESFJ and we had these kinds of troubles at times - it usually turned out that she felt that I didn't want to be friends with her when I couldn't find words or actions, and with me being distressed that I had (temporarily) lost the one person that used to always understand me without me having to explain.
Perhaps he just moved on in December and that is it. But I just have this tiny sliver of hope that perhaps he just felt like I rejected him when he was walking past and I was ignoring him. And perhaps. Perhaps. I could find something to do or say to make things better again.
I guess it comes down to:
Now once I start to know what to say to him, how can I get him to give me a chance to get him to listen?
The things that lead to this "incident" are so complicated that it would take quite a lot of careful talking to sort out, not something that could be chatted about in a few minutes on the street.
In general he seems to be very interested in emotional talks, in the past I have done most of the talking but he has corrected me at times to specify and clarify the precise feelings so I know he is really smart and interested in these things, not just me pouring things out and him going umm umm while thinking about other things.
I guess I also feel as if I understand him better than he understands me - and that he hasn't given me the chance to really show that I would be a good person for him. And that this influences him dismissing me. I guess I can see how we would make eachother happy (even as friends) while he only really looks to the here and now. I feel as if I have lost my chance to prove to him in reality how I would do anything for him and that I'm not really challenging his need for control infact I'm very happy for him to be in control because I'm not very good at making decisions and plans.