This is a discussion on Why are ESFJs deemed as the 'Mean Girl'? within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Originally Posted by Sensational Fromnmy experience its not that they are simply mean Its dependent on the variables. Independent they ...
My dad is basically Regina George on the inside - it's a fitting stereotype to embody the worst of an ESFJ.
ESFJs are stereotyped in many ways. In the negative ways, my dad and 'Mean Girls' fit the stereotype easily. High use of Fe in order to get where one wants in social status, can be emotionally manipulative, can be dramatic and illogical etc. etc.
ESFJs are not like this as a rule, but Mean Girls certainly are.
My ESFJ cousin is the most popular person I actually talk to; but she is not mean. In fact, one might say she is too nice. Her worst qualities are following trends despite the foolishness in doing so, being a bit of gossip girl and pretending to be more mature than she really is; she sometimes talks down to others and many tell me she is fake. But those last two are seen from the outside; she would never hurt anyone intentionally and her "fakeness" is not meant to be rude, it is just her trying hard to please others. Her best quality is generosity; she gives people things she feels they would want even when it is not what they want. She is very sociable and there is nothing wrong with that. I am an Introvert and we introverts need to stop hating on popular extroverts. There is nothing wrong with being well liked and because extroverts like my cousin exist introverts like myself can get the alone time we need.
Yeah I don't understand the dislike. They are generally popular because they are inclusive, not because they are exclusive (as "mean girl" implies).
That may or may not be for selfish reasons (approval-seeking). But the result is the same, so what does it matter?
It doesn't bother me at all. It's a funny dynamic between INTJ and ESFJ and I enjoy it.
"Did you want to come sit with us?".
"Oh, hey thanks! Not really though!"
I try not to say my real thoughts. That even though it appears I am sitting alone, I am actually just sitting with the intelligent people in the room.
But honestly, if the ESFJ is being the 'mean girl', it's probably because you got too clingy and they needed a way to create some healthy space between you. ESFJ will be your friend. But they won't be your only friend. They belong to the world lol.
My primary ESFJ example is my mom, who isn't like a Mean Girl at all. She's really warm and down-to-earth. But she also is really confident and really socially talented. She could easily hang out with the Mean Girls if she wanted to and/or she could negotiate with them in passing and make them like her but not have to be part of their clique. That kind of thing.
So I guess that's the distinction. She could easily be if she wanted to. For a lot of the rest of us it would take more effort than we are either willing and/or able.
I think it's a stereotype because ESFJ's commonly are known to like to talk about what's going on in other people's lives, and this can be perceived as gossiping or being nosey. Honestly, I think it's great that they like to keep up with other people and know how they're doing. It's thoughtful :) It's all about intent.