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This is a discussion on Ask an ESFJ within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; @ Iipstain You are wired to be aware of others' needs and care for them, so don't be too hard ...

  1. #11
    INFP - The Idealists

    @Iipstain You are wired to be aware of others' needs and care for them, so don't be too hard on yourself. It's good that you recognize when you are doing so excessively to the point that your sense of self is being defined too much by others, but I can imagine that it's not easy to sort out where that line is and how to manage it.

    Thanks for your response. I'm enjoying the varied answers I'm getting to my questions.
    counterintuitive thanked this post.

  2. #12
    ENTJ

    In any relationship, what's a gamebreaker to you? I mean, something that makes you say "Enough" and stop being friends with/dating the person.

  3. #13
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by Amelia View Post
    Would you say that your dominant Fe makes you attuned to the emotions of others while being emotionally balanced yourself? Or would you say that you are a very emotional person whose emotions can be easily affected?

    My dad is an ESFJ and he is very emotionally balanced, i've never seen him get worked up over anything. That's why I was curious.
    It's always good to understand your opposite. :)
    Yes, I would absolutely say I am balanced while being highly in tune with other's emotions. I've talked to Fe/Ni and Ni/Fe friends, and it seems like high Ni with high Fe has more trouble with differentiating the emotions of others with their own (an average-- it might not be strictly universal with these types). But with high Si serving our Fe, we are easily able to categorize the information we take in via Fe, making it easier for us to be in tune with and empathize with others while remaining neutral inside ourselves (for the most part).
    counterintuitive and Amelia thanked this post.

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  5. #14
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by Prada View Post
    In any relationship, what's a gamebreaker to you? I mean, something that makes you say "Enough" and stop being friends with/dating the person.
    I think we tend to give a lot of second chances. When you are Fe, you have a tendency to process difficult emotions and then move on and forget them in a sense. Emotions aren't something I harbor. Looking back and knowing intellectually that someone hurt me once doesn't bring up negative emotions for me. I believe we are a true 'forgive and forget' type.

    However, when someone repeatedly treats us poorly, showing no signs of remorse or apologizing and taking action to change, then we will absolutely cut them out of our lives. I've been treated badly by a lot of people in my life, but if someone shows signs of true change or apologizes to me, I am willing to forgive them easily. I only have 2 people I've known in my life that I have a strict 'never again' policy on. The reason for this policy for these specific people is that it seemed like they actually were horrible, manipulative, mean people at their core who maybe they did nice things once in a while. As opposed to most people I know who I believe are truly kind and good-willed at their core, who maybe do hurtful things once in a while.

    But typically I get the sense of which type of person someone is early on in the relationship, so I don't usually put in a lot of effort with horrible people. Truly manipulative, awful people though sometimes wear the best masks at the start of a relationship, and thus I allowed them to get too close to me because I wanted to believe that what I saw at first was true.

    Does that make sense?
    counterintuitive thanked this post.

  6. #15
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by Iipstain View Post
    Uwahh what a fun thread, I hope no one would mind another ESFJ popping in to share answers on questions too, the more the merrier right??
    Of course, dear! All ESFJs are more than welcome to answer questions! Glad to have you!
    counterintuitive thanked this post.

  7. #16
    Unknown

    Do you say things you don't mean when you're mad ?

    Do you lie ( white lies - like if somebody was to invite you to dinner and their cooking is horrible but you know they've spent hours on it ) to make one feels better

    What are you like in a relationship ? What about after it ended

    Have you ever mistyped yourself ?


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    counterintuitive thanked this post.

  8. #17

    Oh hey Caregivers ;)

    Here's my question, I'm going out with a female ESFJ and she has quite figured all the next 10 years of our relationship.
    She has thought of, I think, everything.. School, kids, house, city, and I can't barely say where I'll be in 2 months.

    Is it typical of ESFJ to think and try to plan everything?

    Also, any advice for our relation?

    thanks
    counterintuitive thanked this post.

  9. #18
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by ai.tran.75 View Post
    Do you say things you don't mean when you're mad?
    I have before, but infrequently. Typically I think through my words before I say them, even in an argument.

    Quote Originally Posted by ai.tran.75 View Post
    Do you lie (white lies - like if somebody was to invite you to dinner and their cooking is horrible but you know they've spent hours on it) to make one feels better?
    Absolutely. If someone has spent hours cooking a meal I don't particularly care for, I will find something about it I can genuinely compliment, or spin it in ways that make it seem positive. I believe doing so is good manners, unless you're like, a food critic or something, and you're at a restaurant you need to critique for work. In the end, does it really matter if you like the taste of the meal? Unless you're allergic or it literally isn't safe to eat (raw chicken or something), then in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter if you like it. Unless you know them well, and they specifically press you for your honest opinion-- then you should absolutely give them constructive criticism. But under any circumstance saying, "Ewww!" is just rude.

    Quote Originally Posted by ai.tran.75 View Post
    What are you like in a relationship? What about after it ended?
    My INTP husband seems to think I'm pretty nice. My one ex and I don't speak because he has a lot of mental issues (no, I'm not exaggerating).

    Quote Originally Posted by ai.tran.75 View Post
    Have you ever mistyped yourself?
    No. By the time I learned about type, my friends already knew a lot about it and pretty much pegged me as either ENFJ or ESFJ. Further conversation led us to realize I was an ESFJ fairly quickly.
    counterintuitive and ai.tran.75 thanked this post.

  10. #19
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by Fantome View Post
    Oh hey Caregivers ;)

    Here's my question, I'm going out with a female ESFJ and she has quite figured all the next 10 years of our relationship.
    She has thought of, I think, everything.. School, kids, house, city, and I can't barely say where I'll be in 2 months.

    Is it typical of ESFJ to think and try to plan everything?

    Also, any advice for our relation?

    thanks
    Wow! That sounds like a lot. It sounds like you maybe feel she is moving too quickly? If you aren't in a place where you want to plan for the future with her, you should be honest with her. Dreaming about the future is pretty natural for an ESFJ I'd say, but you deserve to have a say in your future. Maybe you could tell her that you really like her, but you want to focus on where you're at currently so you don't miss any good moments. And when the next step comes-- whatever that might be-- you want to be involved in making that decision.
    counterintuitive and Fantome thanked this post.

  11. #20
    ISTP - The Mechanics

    Quote Originally Posted by Norina View Post
    I think we tend to give a lot of second chances. When you are Fe, you have a tendency to process difficult emotions and then move on and forget them in a sense. Emotions aren't something I harbor. Looking back and knowing intellectually that someone hurt me once doesn't bring up negative emotions for me. I believe we are a true 'forgive and forget' type.
    This is a cool insight.

    I only have 2 people I've known in my life that I have a strict 'never again' policy on. The reason for this policy for these specific people is that it seemed like they actually were horrible, manipulative, mean people at their core who maybe they did nice things once in a while. As opposed to most people I know who I believe are truly kind and good-willed at their core, who maybe do hurtful things once in a while.

    But typically I get the sense of which type of person someone is early on in the relationship, so I don't usually put in a lot of effort with horrible people. Truly manipulative, awful people though sometimes wear the best masks at the start of a relationship, and thus I allowed them to get too close to me because I wanted to believe that what I saw at first was true.

    Does that make sense?
    It all makes perfect sense. I also have only two people in the history of my life that I wish only well but never want to see again, because the wrong they did me (and others) was not out of weakness or carelessness or ignorance or a moment of anger or passion but a pattern of grossly taking advantage and preying on others that they had rationalized and justified to themselves as acceptable and normal and felt comfortable repeating and had no interest in changing.

    I'm now dealing with a third person like this who seems to register high on the spectrum of pathological narcissism. Just this week something happened to make me aware of a new level of the games she plays. It's an interesting learning experience. I completely admired and trusted her from the beginning, she puts on a great mask, like you said, and it took me a while to see what she's really like. (I'm not an intuitive nor a feeler, I need lived experience with people to develop a sense of what they're like and how they operate. I can pretty much only judge people by observing their behavior.) I may be the only one in this setting who really sees the depth of the problem with this woman, in many ways she's a very impressive person and many people love and admire and depend on her, but one thing I've learned is that when people show you who they are and what they're capable of doing, believe them.

    My question for you: when you realize that someone you've been close to is untrustworthy (manipulative, deceptive, abusive, etc), how do you ESFJs go about distancing yourselves from them? Do you like to confront them so they know how you feel and where they stand with you, or do you try to do it quietly and unnoticed? Do you try to avoid hurting their feelings? What's your thought process and how do you carry it out?
    counterintuitive thanked this post.


     
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