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This is a discussion on Ask an ESFJ within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; I had a very loving 7 month relationship with an ESFJ. Without going into too much detail, he told me ...

  1. #21
    ENFJ - The Givers

    I had a very loving 7 month relationship with an ESFJ. Without going into too much detail, he told me loved me & wanted the best for me, but felt he could not give that to me (marriage) & by the time he was ready for marriage, it would be too late & I'd probably have found the right guy. He told me he wanted me to be picky and that I deserve the very best. He told me he needed distance because it would be way to painful to see me & he would want me all over again. I wonder, nearly 7 months later if ever thinks of me & reflects back on those amazing times we had. I know how much I love him, but without any commitment it seems so fruitless. It's complicated with his family (they interfere a lot & Mum has her own health issues - which are mostly imagined) and the fact that he is diagnosed with OCD. Really, I wonder in many ways what would cause an ESFJ to let go of someone they truly love & not fight to make it work.
    counterintuitive thanked this post.

  2. #22
    ISTJ

    Do you give gifts a lot? I've noticed that the ESFJs in my life (my sister in particular) just love giving gifts. They'll be out shopping and then think, "So-and-so would love this." This could just be a coincidence, but it seems pretty ESFJ-ish to me.

  3. #23
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by petitpèlerin View Post
    My question for you: when you realize that someone you've been close to is untrustworthy (manipulative, deceptive, abusive, etc), how do you ESFJs go about distancing yourselves from them? Do you like to confront them so they know how you feel and where they stand with you, or do you try to do it quietly and unnoticed? Do you try to avoid hurting their feelings? What's your thought process and how do you carry it out?
    Well, when this happened before with one of those people, I made a conscious choice to not allow them inside my 'inner self' any longer. I determined on my own that if they needed to reach out to me, then I would be as available to them as anyone else. I would listen to them if they needed me to, but not talk about my own stuff with them, you know? I didn't tell this person I was doing it. I just made the choice, and this person never asked me anything about myself. We drifted apart pretty quickly after-- they had already gotten what they wanted out of me at that point, so from their perspective there was probably no reason to continue the relationship. I now live in the same city, and if I somehow find out through the grapevine that this person is going to be at a certain place, I will avoid that situation. But otherwise this person doesn't know that anything changed from my perspective. They probably thought we drifted apart as people often do naturally.
    counterintuitive and petitpèlerin thanked this post.

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  5. #24
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by ThirdArcade View Post
    I had a very loving 7 month relationship with an ESFJ. Without going into too much detail, he told me loved me & wanted the best for me, but felt he could not give that to me (marriage) & by the time he was ready for marriage, it would be too late & I'd probably have found the right guy. He told me he wanted me to be picky and that I deserve the very best. He told me he needed distance because it would be way to painful to see me & he would want me all over again. I wonder, nearly 7 months later if ever thinks of me & reflects back on those amazing times we had. I know how much I love him, but without any commitment it seems so fruitless. It's complicated with his family (they interfere a lot & Mum has her own health issues - which are mostly imagined) and the fact that he is diagnosed with OCD. Really, I wonder in many ways what would cause an ESFJ to let go of someone they truly love & not fight to make it work.
    It sounds like there might have been other reasons he was not willing to share with you. He might think of you, but at the end of the day, how much does that (or his reasoning) really matter? If he was not willing to commit and that's what you needed, then other reasons don't matter. It sounds like splitting up was the healthiest option, rather than one of you compromising. I am sorry for the pain it caused, though. Breaking up is never easy, even if it is right.
    ThirdArcade and counterintuitive thanked this post.

  6. #25
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by Ms ISTJ View Post
    Do you give gifts a lot? I've noticed that the ESFJs in my life (my sister in particular) just love giving gifts. They'll be out shopping and then think, "So-and-so would love this." This could just be a coincidence, but it seems pretty ESFJ-ish to me.
    Absolutely. Our Si catalogues all the experiences we have with people (because our Si serves our Fe), and we are able to remember small details about those we care about, and know based on our memories of that person what little thing might make them happy. We're all about making people happy. :)
    counterintuitive thanked this post.

  7. #26

    I love ESFJs! I had an ESFJ band teacher. He was the nicest guy and never got truly angry in the time I was with him. I miss my band teacher, so I'm going to lurk here because I like ESFJs. I even started a "Praise the Type Above You" thread that started with me complimenting ESFJs because you guys are so awesome.

    My Question Is: Is it normal for people to form stronger attachments to ESFJs in shorter amounts of time than they would with other types?

  8. #27
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by A Temperamental Flutist View Post
    I love ESFJs! I had an ESFJ band teacher. He was the nicest guy and never got truly angry in the time I was with him. I miss my band teacher, so I'm going to lurk here because I like ESFJs. I even started a "Praise the Type Above You" thread that started with me complimenting ESFJs because you guys are so awesome.

    My Question Is: Is it normal for people to form stronger attachments to ESFJs in shorter amounts of time than they would with other types?
    Haha! Aw, thanks for the love! We can sure use it. :)

    As for your question, I'm really not sure! I feel like that is more a question for the friends of ESFJs. Lol. But I could see how we could inspire people's affection towards us in a short amount of time. Thinking back on the formation of my close friendships, it does seem like the connections I made happened fairly quickly. Although, in the moment when I'm starting a new friendship, it doesn't usually feel all that quick to me. But I think that's because I tend to befriend introverts most often-- so my definition of getting close in a short amount of time is probably different from theirs. I definitely always try to make people feel as comfortable as possible, and I'm pretty generous with attention and affection. I love getting to know people on a deep, mentally and emotionally connected level. I'm probably not everyone's cup of tea, but I don't really spend time on friendships with people who aren't interested in being my friend.
    A Temperamental Flutist thanked this post.

  9. #28
    INTJ - The Scientists

    According to the test, Extraverted sensing is somewhat is in inferior function of mine. So, I was wondering, how does it like to be a person with extraverted sensing as your dominant function? thanks.

  10. #29
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Fantome View Post
    Oh hey Caregivers ;)

    Here's my question, I'm going out with a female ESFJ and she has quite figured all the next 10 years of our relationship.
    She has thought of, I think, everything.. School, kids, house, city, and I can't barely say where I'll be in 2 months.

    Is it typical of ESFJ to think and try to plan everything?

    Also, any advice for our relation?

    thanks
    OK so I know I am not ESFJ...but I just had to throw in my ENTP two cents.

    I am in your shoes and have been for 18 years, My wife being an ESFJ.

    It is normal for them to want to have life figured out before it happens. Get
    used to that. It will cause anxiety for them to not know or plan the happenings of
    life on a major scale and somewhat more even in micro managing smaller details.

    So, yes, I would say it is very typical for them to plan everything. It is also typical
    that when the plans fall threw they will play the blame game even if it was
    no ones fault.

    The one hardest detail of the way my ESFJ wife acts for me to get used to was constantly
    having to tell her that what she has done is doing or is going to do is appreciated and
    recognized.

    This for me being an ENTP is hard to do. I just assume people are doing things because
    they have chosen to do so and in so doing are foregoing any recognition as that would
    be the way I would do it.

    Compliments drive them to points of sheer work horse potential. Lack of
    compliments respect and appreciation will drive them to anger and
    they get vindictive, spiteful and down right mean.

    If you can string together compliments and appreciation in the right way you can
    get ESFJ's to do ANYTHING for you. I mean anything and not just anything, everything.

    If my wife believes what she is doing is for the good of the family and is helping
    make my life easier I need but take her to diner and say words that are very uncommon for ENTP.
    Like.. Thank you you make my life easier.. and ...You are such a great person...
    I really appreciate all you do for us...and so on......This is like fuel for Her.

    ENTP + ESFJ is a hard mix but I will say that if you can accomplish it,
    it is awesome.

    My wife totally cares for me day in and day out .. ups and downs.

    I will never get how she argues but I have learned to deal with it.
    I do not fully understand her but she is my glue thats for sure.

    O and watch that damned temper ... wow can ESFJ let you know everything you have
    done wrong since the beginning of time just for one thing you may have said.
    They can get really really ....did i say really yet..? REALLY angry about what
    an ENTP would consider a non issue.


    I would say good luck but being that you are fellow ENTP
    just use that great intuition and manipulation and you can have
    an ESFJ take care of all that stuff in life I know ENTPs hate.
    They will do it with a smile even.

    p.s. I could go on for days about the emotional side to
    ESFJ and how that compliments our ENTP thinking style
    but this is running long.
    Fantome thanked this post.

  11. #30
    ENTP - The Visionaries

    Love you ESFJ's.

    Keep on keeping on.

    I would ask a question but my wife of 18 years and my
    eldest son are both ESFJ and as an ENTP I have made it
    my business to figure them out.

    You are the social glue.


     
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