[ESFJ] Ask an ESFJ

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This is a discussion on Ask an ESFJ within the ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; I noticed that we don't have a general 'ask' thread, and seeing as ESFJs are rare on the internet, I ...

  1. #1
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Ask an ESFJ

    I noticed that we don't have a general 'ask' thread, and seeing as ESFJs are rare on the internet, I figure people might have some questions.

    Ask away!
    sunnybecoming and a peach thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFP - The Idealists

    Thanks for starting this thread! In general I am a fan of ESFJs. (You guys don't deserve all the hate you get on the Internet.)

    Are you status conscious?

    What does social status or social standing mean to you?

  3. #3
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    @Wayside

    Thanks for the good vibes!

    Personally, I'm not really 'status conscious', necessarily. I mean, my husband and I are pretty middle-middle class... I like to make myself and my home look presentable, but I don't have to have all new gadgets, name brands, etc. I don't need to be surrounded with wealthy people, or 'well known' people... All my friends are pretty down to earth. I'm probably one of the ones with the most 'together' life out of my friends-- i.e. steady job and house, but some of my other friends have fancier/nicer things/houses/whatever than me too. We're all still in our 20's and at various stages of figuring life out. Having more or less than my friends doesn't really affect me-- except that I'm more conscious about doing things that cost more with my friends that have part time or lower paying jobs. I either offer to pay for them or just automatically suggest things that are free or low cost, because my main interest is spending time with them.

    I think being 'status conscious' has more to do with how you grew up, personally. My family growing up was lower middle class, I guess I'd say. But it never really occurred to me or bothered me or anything. Still doesn't really affect my outlook on life, I'd say.
    Wayside and a peach thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I actually have an ESFJ friend and he and I talk a lot. He's a bundle of fun and positivity lol.

    I was wondering, do ESFJs think that, if everyone in the world were just like them, they would all get along? lol

    I remember reading that somewhere. It was kinda funny haha. I was talking to my ESFJ friend about clones and he said if he had a ton of clones, he would get along with all of them and let them take his stuff lol.
    a peach thanked this post.

  6. #5
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by ZZZVader View Post
    I actually have an ESFJ friend and he and I talk a lot. He's a bundle of fun and positivity lol.

    I was wondering, do ESFJs think that, if everyone in the world were just like them, they would all get along? lol

    I remember reading that somewhere. It was kinda funny haha. I was talking to my ESFJ friend about clones and he said if he had a ton of clones, he would get along with all of them and let them take his stuff lol.
    I personally can get along with anyone. That doesn't mean deep, intimate friendship though. I have close friends and acquaintances, just like anyone else. My small circle of intimate friendships doesn't include ESFJs (I don't know of any IRL for sure). And I certainly don't want everyone in the world to be like me. I think that would be terribly boring. The world is diverse for a reason, and I prefer it that way.

    But of course, if any ESFJs want to be friends, I'm open for trying. :)
    a peach thanked this post.

  7. #6
    ENTJ

    Do you have a preference when making friends? It doesn't have to be a specific type but something like extrovert, introvert, ExFx, etc.
    Norina and a peach thanked this post.

  8. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by Wayside View Post
    Thanks for starting this thread! In general I am a fan of ESFJs. (You guys don't deserve all the hate you get on the Internet.)

    Are you status conscious?

    What does social status or social standing mean to you?
    I think I was when I was in grade school. But I wouldn't really call it status conscious...I just wanted to be accepted. I never felt normal as a kid; I was always weird, and a misfit. And the only people who I felt comfortable with enough to call "friends" (even though they were often mean to me too) were equally weird and misfits too. I wanted to be accepted by the "cool kids" because I felt if I was, I'd finally belong and be seen as normal. However, my Fe-ness started to shine through and I suddenly found myself popular. But because of my "misfit" background, I got to be pretty independent.

    I'm not really motivated by external social standing. I'm motivated by my own internal drive. If I want to have a successful job it's because I want to be successful and good at what I do, not because I want to be seen as successful. If I'm liked by my peers, it's because I make an effort to care about them and invest in their lives, not because I want to be seen as popular etc.

    Quote Originally Posted by ZZZVader View Post
    I actually have an ESFJ friend and he and I talk a lot. He's a bundle of fun and positivity lol.

    I was wondering, do ESFJs think that, if everyone in the world were just like them, they would all get along? lol

    I remember reading that somewhere. It was kinda funny haha. I was talking to my ESFJ friend about clones and he said if he had a ton of clones, he would get along with all of them and let them take his stuff lol.
    When I was younger I was really, really sensitive. I cared a lot about not hurting people's feelings, and being nice and kind to them because I knew I wouldn't want to be treated otherwise. I also tried really hard to be inclusive of everybody, no matter if you were the weird gross kid who picked his nose. But I found that kids are really, really cruel. Not everyone tries to be sensitive or nice, and I'd get hurt a lot of times because of this. I remember sitting in class when teachers would say "aren't you glad not everyone's like you? Wouldn't that be boring?" And I'd sit and think "Well if everyone was like me, everyone would be so much nicer to everyone and people would just follow the rules" lol.

    I obviously don't think that way anymore. I tend to look for the good in people, so I'm constantly amazed by all the good qualities other people possess that are different from my own traits. Are they really chill? Do they have a wicked sense of humor? Do they come up with very cool and insightful ideas? I also try to learn from those around me :) Somehow I've picked up the dreadful habit of overanalyzing everything (I think I've gotten this from my ENFJ friend), so I think if I had a ton of clones we'd all probably be overly scrutinizing what each other says and taking offense at everything.

    Quote Originally Posted by Prada View Post
    Do you have a preference when making friends? It doesn't have to be a specific type but something like extrovert, introvert, ExFx, etc.
    I would say yeah. I try to be friendly with everyone, but I also need to feel like my enthusiasm in getting to know you is reciprocated otherwise I'll feel like you're not really interested in me and I'll move on. If you also don't seem like a friendly person I won't make an effort really because I'll assume you don't like me. I don't really make a distinction between mbti type, but I notice all my friends tend to be really friendly people.

    I don't mind if you're a little reserved or quiet. I can be energetic enough for the both of us :P But I need you to at least be somewhat interested in talking to people you don't know.

    Note: If you're an ENTP I most likely love you.
    Wayside, Norina, a peach and 1 others thanked this post.

  9. #8
    ESFJ - The Caregivers

    Quote Originally Posted by Prada View Post
    Do you have a preference when making friends? It doesn't have to be a specific type but something like extrovert, introvert, ExFx, etc.
    Good question! The easiest way for me to analyze this is to think of the people I would consider my best/closest friends.

    I have:

    3 INTPs
    1 ISFJ
    1 INFJ
    2 INFPs
    1 ISFP
    1 ENFP

    I'm not super close to all of them currently-- some live in other cities. I see about half of them on a regular basis (weekly or more). So I guess it seems I have a preference for introverts. Almost every single good, lasting friendship I've had have been with introverts. I don't think that necessarily is the cause of our friendships being successful, though. Every single one of these people has had a similar upbringing to me-- raised in a similar environment, etc. They're all intelligent, loyal, creative people who don't bullshit with me or 'put on' a face. I'm up for getting to know just about anyone, but I think I really value genuine, kind, intelligent people. And I will only pursue friendships with people who value my friendship. If they're not interested in me, I don't try to keep the relationship going.
    a peach and Prada thanked this post.

  10. #9

    Uwahh what a fun thread, I hope no one would mind another ESFJ popping in to share answers on questions too, the more the merrier right??

    Quote Originally Posted by Wayside View Post
    Thanks for starting this thread! In general I am a fan of ESFJs. (You guys don't deserve all the hate you get on the Internet.)

    Are you status conscious?

    What does social status or social standing mean to you?
    Thank you soso much, as I get really self-conscious admitting I am ESFJ because of the bad rep we seem to have when it comes to typology;;; It really means a lot to hear, especially coming from INFP, I really love and look up to you guys soso much, such inspiring and deep souls~

    I feel badly for admitting this, but I am rather preoccupied with where I stand with others, constantly thinking about it, whether it be in my professional or personal life, everything really blends together when it comes to my relationships with others. I tend to be a bit of a worrier, and am easily drained if there is any tension or conflict between me and someone else, so I do my best to keep things harminous and to make the other person happy with me. I am constantly struggling with trying to make others happy while doing the same for myself, but in the end every time, it seems I'm happiest when others are happy, and no matter what I have difficulty ignoring the thoughts and feelings of others, which really affects how I see myself. Typical Fe for you, right?

    I do feel a bit immature as an ESFJ and as a person in general, still more like a teenager than an adult, especially emotionally. Relying heavily on others for my own value and happiness, and just always so in fear that I may not be liked so much or that people think ill of me, it really brings me down and I've cried over the same thoughts endlessly. I'm always hoping to get better and trying to deal with things maturely and less personally, I'm sure things will turn around for me one day!

    Quote Originally Posted by ZZZVader View Post
    I actually have an ESFJ friend and he and I talk a lot. He's a bundle of fun and positivity lol.

    I was wondering, do ESFJs think that, if everyone in the world were just like them, they would all get along? lol

    I remember reading that somewhere. It was kinda funny haha. I was talking to my ESFJ friend about clones and he said if he had a ton of clones, he would get along with all of them and let them take his stuff lol.
    I was reading through the other responses before I answer each question and WOW, I relate so perfectly to the post made by @inregardstomyself where she mentions spending her childhood doing her best to be nice to everyone and basically feeling kicked in the dirt. I feel exactly how she mentions with looking for the good in others, appreciating the unique traits not everyone shares. There are so many lovely people in the world, and I know everyone goes through changes and has the ability to look into themselves, to become better if they weren't before, I definitely feel it's better to have friends as an adult than as a child!

    If everyone was just like me, I don't know how that would turn out to be honest. Kind of nice, I like to let everyone in my life know they're loved and appreciated for the things they do, I'm a cheerleader for everyone, love to thank people and give hugs and lots of compliments. That kind of constant affirmation would be perfect, I constantly crave it. But if everyone was just like me, I don't feel there'd be any room for me to grow and to learn, no one would give me new insight or help me to realize my shortcomings and how I can become a better person. It's difficult, I need a bit of both from everyone.

    Quote Originally Posted by Prada View Post
    Do you have a preference when making friends? It doesn't have to be a specific type but something like extrovert, introvert, ExFx, etc.
    I absolutely love extraverts and introverts, both are so wonderful in their own ways! I feel I have a ton more introverted friends though, just because I find them to be lonelier and I was always the one initiating the friendship and keeping them company. Extraverts are tons of fun, but I enjoy giving introverts a lot of love and attention that they wouldn't recieve as often, if that makes any sense??

    And I adore both thinkers and feelers. I really don't have as much as a problem with thinkers, which I feel is a stereotype that they're so cold and mean. The ones in my life are actually quite a bit more approachable than the feelers, and I find them to be just as sensitive and caring, they just show it differently.

    Oh! I've noticed that I tend to befriend wayyyy more intuitives than sensors, I wonder how that is????
    Wayside, only hopeless and Norina thanked this post.

  11. #10
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Would you say that your dominant Fe makes you attuned to the emotions of others while being emotionally balanced yourself? Or would you say that you are a very emotional person whose emotions can be easily affected?

    My dad is an ESFJ and he is very emotionally balanced, i've never seen him get worked up over anything. That's why I was curious.
    It's always good to understand your opposite. :)


     
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