[ESFP] [ESTP] Trouble with my ESFP girlfriend - is it worth fighting for or should I give up

[ESTP] Trouble with my ESFP girlfriend - is it worth fighting for or should I give up

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This is a discussion on [ESTP] Trouble with my ESFP girlfriend - is it worth fighting for or should I give up within the ESFP Forum - The Performers forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; Hi everyone Apologies in advance for the length, but I'm gonna give a breakdown of my entire relationship with this ...

  1. #1

    [ESTP] Trouble with my ESFP girlfriend - is it worth fighting for or should I give up

    Hi everyone

    Apologies in advance for the length, but I'm gonna give a breakdown of my entire relationship with this woman. It's not been very long but its definitely the most intense relationship I've had so I was hoping for some ESFP insights onto what to do here.

    I've been having this amazing "quasi" relationship with a 28yo ESFP woman for the past few months. She came into my life quite suddenly (moved into my house-share of 8), but we hit it off almost immediately. She loves to travel, enjoys exploring and enjoying life, is always up for a good time and is able to have deep meaningful conversations with me. I initially only had thoughts of trying to sleep with her (because I'm a superficial cunt) but during my courting process I started to develop strong feelings towards her that I don't usually feel with most women I've been with.

    So after about a month of knowing eachother, we hooked up after a long night of drinking and cuddling and decided to become an item. This was a massive deal for me as I've always been super commitment averse, but I felt like I was looking at someone who was my equal that I had a lot of respect for, basically had everything I'd want from a partner so I threw away my fear of commitment. In retrospect, we definitely rushed into things but it felt very right at the time. Problem is, two inferior Ni's is a bitch to work with. We both started having doubts about if this is what we actually wanted and she ended up breaking it off after less than 2 weeks together because of them. I think I was more ok with keeping it on because I could use my parent to logically override my Ni worries, but Fi is probably harder to work with (I'm assuming anyway, since its my trickster it's difficult for me to understand well). Anyway, since I shared all the same Ni inferior doubts, I thought it was a reasonable conclusion to come to so I respected her decision. But because we got along so well together, she wanted us to stay close friends. I'm usually not a fan of staying close with someone after a failed relationship, but she was genuinely such a good presence in my life that I agreed.

    Anyway, two days after the breakup we went out to see a world cup game with some friends. It was in the morning so we started drinking pretty early. After the game ended I went home, she stayed out with her friends and carried on drinking. Later in the evening she kept blowing up my phone asking me to join them for more drinks. Seeing as it was only 2 days after we'd broken up I wanted to distance myself a bit more, but I eventually agreed and joined them. When I got there she and her friend were sitting with 3 other guys. I'm not the kind of person who gets jealous so it didnt bother me at all. They were fun dudes so I enjoyed my time with them. But anyway, at that point she was super drunk and one of the guys was very obviously flirting with her. After a few pints and hours out I decided to call it a night, so I said my goodbyes and headed home. After getting back she sent me a text apologising for the guy flirting with her and being into it because she'd "never want to hurt me" etc. etc. I can't lie, I was ok with seeing it happen in front of me, but her telling me she was into it really pissed me off. But I shrugged it off, replied back saying it was fine and went to bed.

    Few hours later, it's like 3am and I randomly wake up. I hear her in her room upstairs having extremely loud sex - basically screaming in pleasure. This fucked me up quite badly. Blasted some music, smoked some weed and fell back asleep. Anyway the next week I was in a bad place. Would come back home from work and spend my evenings smoking, reading and listening to music in the park to avoid seeing her. While we were broken up and she was free to do whatever she wants, I personally had never felt so disrespected as I felt in that moment. So over the next few days I had to work out what to do. My goto is normally just ghosting someone completely and moving on, but the idea of cutting her out completely wasnt a nice one. I felt like even though she did that, and even though I was thoroughly disgusted with her in that time, I couldnt bring myself to believe she was a bad person. We're very similar as people, and I could see myself doing the same thing if things were different. Anyway - fast forward like a week, she really wants to have a talk because we hadnt seen eachother since that day. I've got a one month trip to asia coming up so part of my was considering just ignoring her, going on holiday and forgetting about it and moving on, but something in her messages just struck a chord with me and made me decide to speak to her.

    Anyway during that talk she explained that, even though its not an excuse, she was very drunk that day and there are parts of that night she doesnt remember. That she realises she fucked up and she never wanted to hurt me, she didnt even really want to sleep with that guy, she's been on the other side of that so it kills her that she did it to me etc etc. I basically laid into her, explained how deeply I felt hurt by what she did, that I was considering never speaking to her again because even though we werent together, i wasnt sure if i'd be ok having a friend that was that insensitive towards others. After like an hour of that (and a bottle of wine and several shots of vodka) I decided to fuck it, and that I'd let her stay in my life as a friend. We hugged it out while she cried into my shoulder, but I just felt cold during that.

    So after that, I actually felt better. I'm not a fan of holding onto negativity so I felt like it was definitely a good direction to go in. It obviously didnt go back to normal immediately, I still needed some space but after a few weeks we eventually fell back to old habits of hanging out and spending time together. That eventually led to us watching netflix in my bed, which then led to sleeping together. We did that for 3 nights, then I was off to Asia for a month. The morning before I flew out she made sure to let me know that she was ok with me sleeping with other people since we were just casually hooking up and werent a thing, I already assumed that was the case and had told her that i was also fine with that.

    While I was in Asia we'd text every now and then. I'd felt like my feelings for her just kept growing during that time, which I wasnt happy with so I spent the latter half of my holiday sleeping with a lot of different people to get over her. But when I got back, it turns out that her feelings had become a lot bigger than she'd ever expected them to, and she basically jumped me. This was a bit of a shock but I was happy.

    So for the next few weeks, we'd spend basically all of our free time together. It was great. We get along so fucking well its a bit sad. She's always in hysterics laughing at my terrible jokes, we just feel comfortable spending time together, even if we're both doing our own thing and the sex is great. Anyway, she keeps on going on about how I'm "so good to me". She'd told me that her love language was acts of service so I've been going out of my way to do nice things for her. Picked her up from the airport when she came back from her short holiday to Ireland, helped her and her friend with some software issues they had which took up all of my day, just shit like that. So she's been super happy with me.

    But here's where shit went bad. I spent my weekend in my family home and while I was there I went out with some friends, had loads to drink and had a few lines of coke. On my way back up to the house me and her live in, I was texting her about my weekend. I found out that a comedian that she told me that she really wants to see at least once in her life was having a show this Thursday, so I bought us both stage side tickets. She was so excited it as unreal. When I got home she was all over me, super happy and super affectionate. But when she asked about what I got up to on the weekend and found out I did coke, she completely shut down. I had a suspicion that she wouldnt be too happy with it because she's a very health conscious person, but shes been ok with weed and psychadelics so I didnt think it would be that big of a deal. Apparently it was. I apologised and, even though she said it was fine and that i could do whatever i want with my body, I said that her opinion of me matters a lot so I swore to not to do it again. She was obviously extremely disappointed that I had been ok with doing it, but kept on saying it was fine. Anyway, after that I went to brush my teeth, came back and she had left my bed. Texted me that she'd sleep in her own that night. I went up to see her to which she was basically trying to understand why it was such a big deal even to herself. She was saying that she understands that people do different things to get their kicks and she doesnt look down or think less of me, but that she was just really "turned off" because of it.

    I feel like Fi parent is hard to convince to budge once it has made a decision on something. The coke conversation happened on monday night, yesterday we see or even talk to eachother all day. I was kind of hoping she'd have a long think about it, discuss it with her friends and decide that she can get over it. She was telling me about shitty relationships she's been in the past and how she would stay in them for way longer than she would have, but how now when something comes up that she doesnt like she just ends things and moves on because she doesnt want to waste time. So I feel like things might be over between us, but at the same time, it kind of pisses me off that when I had my feelings absolutely crushed underfoot by her actions I was able to get over it and move past it because I could see how sorry she was about something she said was a mistake and that I cared about her enough that I wanted to keep her, but something like this (which imo is much less severe) is enough to sour things over completely. Also the fact that she has herpes and there's a small chance I've caught it from her (even though we used protection) I had accepted the risk beforehand and when I told her about the symptoms that had popped up, I'd made sure to explain how I dont blame her and how i didnt want her to feel bad about it because I was fine with it. I feel like its just unfair that I had accepted non-ideal things from her side, but the first thing I've done and she's turned off completely.

    Part of me wants to call it off because I feel like a relationship where I've had to forgive and accept less than ideal scenarios out of like for the other person, should reflect the same - but at the same time I understand that ESFP's are just wired differently. So I'm worried that I might be being unreasonable.

    tl;dr: intense connection with an ESFP, great compatibility. Broke off because of two Ni inferiors wrecking havock, got back together after some time apart. Things were amazing, told her I did coke now I'm in the shitter.

    Any advice would be much appreciated. Please help me ESFPs

  2. #2

    Based on the above, I suggest either keeping it casual till it's fun and do not commit long-term.

    Or (and this is what I would do)

    Break off and make a clean break. It's best for ESTP's and ESFP's to do this imo when their relationship with each other starts entering this kind of lack of certainty. It's the Se/Ni dynamic that imo and based on personal experience cannot work. It's not really Fi vs Fe that reaks havoc, but it's that both types are equally spontaneous and prone to getting caught up in the moment and not considering the feelings of their partner. We're the types that want to fix things later and fuck the consequences especially when we're young. After several "fixes" you either get to a point where things can't be fixed, or where you go "you know, it's not worth fixing anymore".

    Happened between my ESFP ex and I as well (we were a young couple that married and settled early). We tried to make it work as much as possible for years but we were fighting/arguing almost all the time and going in completely different directions by the end -- it even got abusive (not physically but emotionally).
    Last edited by SilentScream; 08-29-2018 at 09:56 AM.

  3. #3
  4. #4

    @ponsol really sorry this happened to you - you seem like a nice guy and I feel like I relate in terms of being extra forgiving towards people I really like. Has she since gotten over it? If she has, I think that changes things - maybe she's just a volatile (and sometimes unreasonable) person, and you have to decide if you want to live with that. If she hasn't cooled on it yet, I think it's time to move on. It's hard for me to picture things going well in the longterm for future conflicts if you ESFP is going to cut off for something as insignificant as doing coke and not talking to you maturely about it. I don't think there's anything wrong with her "being turned off" by someone doing coke...but to refuse to talk about it and just throw a temper tantrum seems really immature and unproductive to me. And even if ESFPs are "just wired that way," this can end up leading to a lot of heartache later. Keep us updated on what happens!
    ponsol thanked this post.

  5. #5

    lmao i cant believe just how much i wrote here.

    Anyway, update: a lot has happened since there. She wasn't happy about the coke, didnt speak to me the next day, i thought that was because she was pissed off and didnt want to see me - she was just out and thought i didnt want to speak to her because i was offended.

    Next day we talked it through. I went in planning to breakup with her because I can't be with someone who shuts down that hard over an innocent mistake - especially when I'd made allowances for her in the past. Anyway she explained that she didnt like it because she respects me a lot so it hurt to see me doing something like coke...biggest issue was that it highlighted how we're at very different stages in our lives - I'm exploring and enjoying life and she's coming out of that exploration phase and is planning how she's going to settle down. Was still planning to end it, but when I asked how she felt about me now (as in how she felt about me at the time of this conversation), she said she missed me. I completely melted, had to reconsider my plan of attack.

    Realised that things were blown out of proportion, it wasn't that big of a deal in the end.

    After that things actually became a lot better. We became a lot closer, more affectionate and generally more open.

    I'm not sure if it was because the stress of potentially breaking up injected the relationship with a shot of adrenaline or if it was something deeper than that, but things became pretty dope.

    Anyway, we ended up enjoying each others company to a ridiculous level over the next month or so. We're now broken up because she's moved to Indonesia, but we're still on good terms.

    She left me an adorable, heartfelt note about how amazing I was and how I've changed her life with how I treated her and how great I was to her.

    So since then I've been talking to an ENTJ and an ESTP. Both are pretty awesome. Will probably make a move on the ENTJ soon, she's amazingly competent but also has an adorable side to her.
    The ESTP would definitely be a lot better for a long term relationship, but she's not currently looking to date (she says she'll be ready around spring lmao) so that's a bit of a shame.

    But yeah, cheers for everyone who read this and gave their opinion. I was going through a very sensitive time when I wrote that post so thanks for reading my emotional thought dump <3
    Last edited by ponsol; 11-15-2018 at 04:58 AM.
    Bonbear and Jawz thanked this post.

  6. #6

    @ponsol Awwwwww what a great ending. Thanks for updating us. We've all been through something similar so I think we all want to help when we can. Hope things work out with you and the ENTJ ;)

    Also, I think I learn a lot about relationships by reading other peoples' stories...especially people who deal with situations well. So thanks for sharing!
    ponsol thanked this post.


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