[ESFP] What's a dealbreaker for you in a relationship? - Page 2

What's a dealbreaker for you in a relationship?

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This is a discussion on What's a dealbreaker for you in a relationship? within the ESFP Forum - The Performers forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; Originally Posted by Jawz I can relate because it is like that for me as well. There is more depth ...

  1. #11
    ESFP

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    I can relate because it is like that for me as well. There is more depth in a relationship with an introvert because by and large introverts are more dedicated to you. Something about the quality of Introversion forming habits around you. This is sort of most true with SJ introverts.

    I like being the center of someone's universe and ISJs tend to facilitate that a lot ;)
    Hahaha... I can relate to this so well. I like the idea of coming first in someone's life. At the same time, I want someone independent who can stand on his own two feet. I like the idea of him *choosing* me but not absorbing himself in me, because I don't like feeling the burden of always reassuring or having to respond in kind.

    I will throw myself into a relationship in the beginning, but I gradually back off and have noticed that this backing off can leave some people feeling insecure, as if my emotions are wavering. They're not, but I do need to feel free to pursue my curiosity wherever it takes me. My SO will always be my preference, but as an Se-dom, I dislike routine. I need to change it up once in a while. It doesn't mean that I want to change them up. But it does mean that I need them to be self-assured and confident in their own value.
    Jawz thanked this post.

  2. #12

    Quote Originally Posted by ametan View Post
    Hahaha... I can relate to this so well. I like the idea of coming first in someone's life. At the same time, I want someone independent who can stand on his own two feet. I like the idea of him *choosing* me but not absorbing himself in me, because I don't like feeling the burden of always reassuring or having to respond in kind.
    So relateable. That's pretty much how my relationship with the ESFP went, and while we both enjoyed our independence as much, it actually became a problem area for both of us as well because neither of us could create the balance between being independent versus being together. So sometimes our paths wouldn't cross and our stars wouldn't align. Caused a lot of headaches for the both of us as we could neither tell when the other needed the other more. If I needed her, she pulled away sometimes or was busy with her social life. If she needed me, I was aloof and engrossed in my own social life or hobbies. Se vs Se problems.

    I will throw myself into a relationship in the beginning, but I gradually back off and have noticed that this backing off can leave some people feeling insecure, as if my emotions are wavering. They're not, but I do need to feel free to pursue my curiosity wherever it takes me. My SO will always be my preference, but as an Se-dom, I dislike routine. I need to change it up once in a while. It doesn't mean that I want to change them up. But it does mean that I need them to be self-assured and confident in their own value.
    I do the same thing word for word. But in my case, emotional attachment is at a lower level than that. I'm still attached to the person and after doing all that I want to do, I would tell her "hey, at least I come back to you every night, right?" ... The thing was that we both did that to each other, but she felt more isolated and unloved by me than the other way around because probably due to the F higher up the order.

    Once I have the comfort and assurance of a long term commitment, I tend to become engrossed in myself a little bit more. While I am still somewhat romantic, the infatuation period is gone and I'm now settling into more of a consistent / paced out relationship. That's not enough for ESFP's because of that F higher up the order.

  3. #13
    ESFP

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    So relateable. That's pretty much how my relationship with the ESFP went, and while we both enjoyed our independence as much, it actually became a problem area for both of us as well because neither of us could create the balance between being independent versus being together. So sometimes our paths wouldn't cross and our stars wouldn't align. Caused a lot of headaches for the both of us as we could neither tell when the other needed the other more. If I needed her, she pulled away sometimes or was busy with her social life. If she needed me, I was aloof and engrossed in my own social life or hobbies. Se vs Se problems.

    I do the same thing word for word. But in my case, emotional attachment is at a lower level than that. I'm still attached to the person and after doing all that I want to do, I would tell her "hey, at least I come back to you every night, right?" ... The thing was that we both did that to each other, but she felt more isolated and unloved by me than the other way around because probably due to the F higher up the order.

    Once I have the comfort and assurance of a long term commitment, I tend to become engrossed in myself a little bit more. While I am still somewhat romantic, the infatuation period is gone and I'm now settling into more of a consistent / paced out relationship. That's not enough for ESFP's because of that F higher up the order.
    Yeah, I can see this. I think we Se-doms would be great friends to one another because we totally understand that drive to just *do.* I'm always telling my friends, "Stop talking about it already. What's stopping you? Just do it." (^_~ But in relationships, I can totally see that if the timing is off, the push-pull of the relationship never balances into something solid and secure. I could see how it would become a source of insecurity for us, because we do want something solid and trustworthy to come home to. We're like bees, flittering around and visiting all the new flowers in the area. But at the end of the day, we wanna come home to our 'hive.' Deposit and share our day's treasures with our home base.

    I wonder if it was only an F vs T factor... I think a person's love languages could also be a factor. For me, the top of my list is Quality Time. If I can't spend time with him when I want to, I will begin to doubt that he loves me. It doesn't necessarily have to be out doing things together (though it'd be nice if it was...) We could just be hanging at home, cuddling, and enjoying each other's company. But I need that reassurance that I'm important to him. I will also cancel plans if he is feeling insecure and needs time with me. I'm kinda paradoxical... As long as he doesn't demand attention constantly from me, I am very willing to giving it.

    Do you know what your love language is?
    Jawz thanked this post.

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  5. #14

    Quote Originally Posted by ametan View Post
    Yeah, I can see this. I think we Se-doms would be great friends to one another because we totally understand that drive to just *do.* I'm always telling my friends, "Stop talking about it already. What's stopping you? Just do it." (^_~ But in relationships, I can totally see that if the timing is off, the push-pull of the relationship never balances into something solid and secure. I could see how it would become a source of insecurity for us, because we do want something solid and trustworthy to come home to. We're like bees, flittering around and visiting all the new flowers in the area. But at the end of the day, we wanna come home to our 'hive.' Deposit and share our day's treasures with our home base.

    I wonder if it was only an F vs T factor... I think a person's love languages could also be a factor. For me, the top of my list is Quality Time. If I can't spend time with him when I want to, I will begin to doubt that he loves me. It doesn't necessarily have to be out doing things together (though it'd be nice if it was...) We could just be hanging at home, cuddling, and enjoying each other's company. But I need that reassurance that I'm important to him. I will also cancel plans if he is feeling insecure and needs time with me. I'm kinda paradoxical... As long as he doesn't demand attention constantly from me, I am very willing to giving it.

    Do you know what your love language is?
    I have a theory. I think that for Se-doms the love language may not be applicable because it is fluid and ever changing like our expectations tend to. We're a flexible bunch and what we want today is not the same as what we want tomorrow and that's part of the issue in our love lives.
    ametan thanked this post.

  6. #15
    ESFP

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    I have a theory. I think that for Se-doms the love language may not be applicable because it is fluid and ever changing like our expectations tend to. We're a flexible bunch and what we want today is not the same as what we want tomorrow and that's part of the issue in our love lives.
    Hmmm... this is an interesting thought. Tell me more.

  7. #16

    Quote Originally Posted by ametan View Post
    Hmmm... this is an interesting thought. Tell me more.
    This is me in 2011:

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    Quality Time 11
    Acts of Service 8 :( <--- (don't judge me for this score, it's a major part of marriage in our part of the culture. I was actually a lot more giving than many husbands in my part of the world - to a fault actually)

    I'm not much of a toucher/feeler - in non romantic situations especially. Like in public or just randomly out of the blue .. for me physical romance has its time and moments ...
    Here are my tests from just today:

    Your Scores
    9 Acts of Service
    7 Physical Touch
    7 Quality Time
    5 Words of Affirmation
    2 Receiving Gifts
    Quality time has gone down a little and Acts of Service has gone up a little though they're always the top two. But the other thing that has changed is that I do like touching/hugging and PDA's a heck of a lot more than I did in the past.

    I know that the last time I did this it was a different result again.

    I'm 100% sure that at least for me this changes and I wouldn't be surprised if it does for ESFP's as well and if so, then that would explain the problems ESFPs' partners have in pleasing them because if the love language changes then the partner may not be able to understand the change and the ESFP may not feel loved.
    ametan thanked this post.

  8. #17
    ESFP

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    This is me in 2011:



    Here are my tests from just today:



    Quality time has gone down a little and Acts of Service has gone up a little though they're always the top two. But the other thing that has changed is that I do like touching/hugging and PDA's a heck of a lot more than I did in the past.

    I know that the last time I did this it was a different result again.

    I'm 100% sure that at least for me this changes and I wouldn't be surprised if it does for ESFP's as well and if so, then that would explain the problems ESFPs' partners have in pleasing them because if the love language changes then the partner may not be able to understand the change and the ESFP may not feel loved.
    Mmm... I donít have enough data on myself (only been into MBTI for 2 years and known about love languages for 1) to really mark a change over time. It would be interesting to see if there actually is one. I always feel like Iím consistent, but maybe Iím only consistent in being true to myself in the moment. XD

    Interesting that Physical Touch increased and your opinion about PDAs changes. What caused this change for you?
    Jawz thanked this post.

  9. #18

    Quote Originally Posted by ametan View Post
    Mmm... I don’t have enough data on myself (only been into MBTI for 2 years and known about love languages for 1) to really mark a change over time. It would be interesting to see if there actually is one. I always feel like I’m consistent, but maybe I’m only consistent in being true to myself in the moment. XD

    Interesting that Physical Touch increased and your opinion about PDAs changes. What caused this change for you?
    Yeah. ESFP's tend to think that, but their Fi is their second function, not the dominant one so consistency is not as much of a priority as it would be for IXFP's. Plus as you said consistency in the moment is still consistency from an ESFP's perspective, but seeing it from the perspective of their partners comes across as inconsistent. Consistency is fleeting, but that doesn't mean it's still not authentic.

    I think a lot of my hang ups were culturally induced and some of it was Fe driven. Fe even tertiary does draw some of its own desires from those of their partner so if a partner tends not to like something it can become an influencer for us. Culture and group values do have a limited impact on ESTP's. But with the nature of Se, it's just easier to be more flexible about it than say an EXFJ or IXFJ would be.

    I do like what you said about being true to yourself in the moment .. this is true for me as well.
    ametan thanked this post.

  10. #19
    Unknown

    If i find out she has a dick

  11. #20

    I warn early if get too serious and possessive about me I will stop be with you


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