[ESFP] What's a dealbreaker for you in a relationship?

What's a dealbreaker for you in a relationship?

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This is a discussion on What's a dealbreaker for you in a relationship? within the ESFP Forum - The Performers forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; What are some times you've broken up with an S/O, and for what reasons? I've seen a lot of breakups ...

  1. #1
    ISTP - The Mechanics

    What's a dealbreaker for you in a relationship?

    What are some times you've broken up with an S/O, and for what reasons?

    I've seen a lot of breakups at a year and a half mark, so i'm curious as to what would make you decide to leave after lasting such a long time?



  2. #2
    ESFP

    Hmmm... I never broke up with someone at the 1.5 year mark. But the one big break-up I had was in a relationship that had drawn out too long. I remember looking at him one day and realizing that I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. After I had that realization, the end was inevitable. He's in another committed relationship and much happier now. And I'm happy for him, because he found someone who could give him what I couldn't: the love that he deserved. (^_^

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by ametan View Post
    Hmmm... I never broke up with someone at the 1.5 year mark. But the one big break-up I had was in a relationship that had drawn out too long. I remember looking at him one day and realizing that I loved him, but I wasn't in love with him. After I had that realization, the end was inevitable. He's in another committed relationship and much happier now. And I'm happy for him, because he found someone who could give him what I couldn't: the love that he deserved. (^_^
    Yeah. That's how my story went. 1.5 years into the relationship I started getting vibes that my ESFP and I we're already in over the period where we were both just dragging it out. Managed to force another 1.5 years and then one day we were both just done. I was done with her around October and she left around March. The period in between was just fighting everyday.

    Ok. That said. She's married with a kid and obviously happier. I'm married ... We've both had our latest relationships last over 7 years and we're happy. I think that a little unhappiness seems to be an issue for ESFPs overall. Correct me if I'm wrong. Personally I've never met an ESFP that said they were content. I mean sure they say it but I'm a keen spotter of lies and half truths so I always tell when they're putting up a front.

    Why is that? Why tell someone everything is fine when it's not ... It just delays the inevitable and doesn't resolve issues that need to be fixed. (I'm not saying you have the answer to this. It's mostly rhetorical and if it doesn't apply to you that's fine, but I've enjoyed reading your insight so I would like to know what you think from your perspective.)

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  5. #4
    ESFP

    Quote Originally Posted by The Immigrant View Post
    Why is that? Why tell someone everything is fine when it's not ... It just delays the inevitable and doesn't resolve issues that need to be fixed. (I'm not saying you have the answer to this. It's mostly rhetorical and if it doesn't apply to you that's fine, but I've enjoyed reading your insight so I would like to know what you think from your perspective.)
    There's a few things at play here. With my one relationship that dragged out way beyond its expiration date, this occurred because I was young and immature. I looked around and there was nothing that I could really complain about on a grand scale. He treated me well, actively supported me with things that I wanted to do (though he rarely participated in them with me), and listened and valued me as a person. But the passion was gone. I didn't want to hurt him by admitting that. I didn't want to have to tell him, "You're a great guy but I'm just not attracted to you anymore." It felt like that would just be an ego-crusher.

    I may also not reveal my true problems with someone because I hold them close and dear to my heart. There are things that I am willing to share because they don't leave me as raw and bare when I do, but conversely, there are things that even my best friends don't know about me. I would rather say that everything is 'fine' rather than reveal my inner depths for the world to pick at.

    I think the problem with contentment is that it seems like settling. We actually seek happiness... it's what drives us. In life, you can choose to be happy. Why waste precious time, a non-renewable resource, in a situation that doesn't do that for you? It's strange, we pursue perfection in our own way. We're looking for that perfect moment of happiness and when we find it, we want to enjoy it for as long as possible. And we expect it to be fleeting. After it ends, we're off to pursue the next moment. We seek variety rather than stability. Contentment reeks of stability. And stability can lead to stagnation. Constantly looking to improve, seek challenges and experiences... that is the path to growth. I'd rather grow than be content. (^^
    Jawz thanked this post.

  6. #5

    Quote Originally Posted by ametan View Post
    There's a few things at play here. With my one relationship that dragged out way beyond its expiration date, this occurred because I was young and immature. I looked around and there was nothing that I could really complain about on a grand scale. He treated me well, actively supported me with things that I wanted to do (though he rarely participated in them with me), and listened and valued me as a person. But the passion was gone. I didn't want to hurt him by admitting that. I didn't want to have to tell him, "You're a great guy but I'm just not attracted to you anymore." It felt like that would just be an ego-crusher.

    I may also not reveal my true problems with someone because I hold them close and dear to my heart. There are things that I am willing to share because they don't leave me as raw and bare when I do, but conversely, there are things that even my best friends don't know about me. I would rather say that everything is 'fine' rather than reveal my inner depths for the world to pick at.

    I think the problem with contentment is that it seems like settling. We actually seek happiness... it's what drives us. In life, you can choose to be happy. Why waste precious time, a non-renewable resource, in a situation that doesn't do that for you? It's strange, we pursue perfection in our own way. We're looking for that perfect moment of happiness and when we find it, we want to enjoy it for as long as possible. And we expect it to be fleeting. After it ends, we're off to pursue the next moment. We seek variety rather than stability. Contentment reeks of stability. And stability can lead to stagnation. Constantly looking to improve, seek challenges and experiences... that is the path to growth. I'd rather grow than be content. (^^
    Thank you for this. Seeing it in written form confirms what I had been thinking all along. I had a lot of similar issues. She wasn't evoking any passion in me. We were being pulled in different directions because of our dominant functions. Just one small example is that I didn't want to stay in Pakistan and continue to move around the world for job opportunities and I have wanderlust. She was hesitant to move too far from her family. I didn't want kids. She clearly did. We weren't sexually compatible. The list was growing. I was switching jobs because I too was seeking my own whims. I had a ton of female friends. She had started creating a social circle. Mine was different from hers as well etc etc. The initial passion that we felt for each other was gone within the first year and a half and the rest was really just obligation and you know that both ESP types hate that.

    Now, this leads me into my next question. Having seen many ESFP's in life that seem to struggle in their pursuit of happiness (some do settle, while others never do), is it even possible for an ESFP to find long term and consistent happiness which is what they're seeking if what brings them happiness continues to change? (I'm sure it is, but it does make me wonder at times given what I've seen of my friends and family that are ESFP's).

    I know for a fact that ESFP's are dreamers (big ass dreamers) .. however, I think that that's where the F vs T issue arises. As a T, I look at my dreams from a more practical mindset. They way I value the pros and cons of any decision and whim chasing is very different from how ESFP's do it.

    My path to growth was acceptance that sometimes when you put something on a pedestal and chase after it, and you get there, it's not always what I thought it would be like in my mind. That's that inferior Ni and for me growth was learning through experience that my mind tends to play tricks on me. I think something is going to be amazing and I chase after it, only to realize that I had hyped it up in my head and it isn't great ---- therefore, it is better to make what I have better and more stable as opposed to change its course entirely. You see what I'm saying?
    Last edited by SilentScream; 11-03-2018 at 12:17 PM.
    ametan thanked this post.

  7. #6

    cheating, financial problems, undersized, unsatisfied, physical responses, poor hygiene and low libido so far

  8. #7
    ESFP

    Quote Originally Posted by The Immigrant View Post
    Thank you for this. Seeing it in written form confirms what I had been thinking all along. I had a lot of similar issues. She wasn't evoking any passion in me. We were being pulled in different directions because of our dominant functions. Just one small example is that I didn't want to stay in Pakistan and continue to move around the world for job opportunities and I have wanderlust. She was hesitant to move too far from her family. I didn't want kids. She clearly did. We weren't sexually compatible. The list was growing. I was switching jobs because I too was seeking my own whims. I had a ton of female friends. She had started creating a social circle. Mine was different from hers as well etc etc. The initial passion that we felt for each other was gone within the first year and a half and the rest was really just obligation and you know that both ESP types hate that.

    Now, this leads me into my next question. Having seen many ESFP's in life that seem to struggle in their pursuit of happiness (some do settle, while others never do), is it even possible for an ESFP to find long term and consistent happiness which is what they're seeking if what brings them happiness continues to change? (I'm sure it is, but it does make me wonder at times given what I've seen of my friends and family that are ESFP's).

    I know for a fact that ESFP's are dreamers (big ass dreamers) .. however, I think that that's where the F vs T issue arises. As a T, I look at my dreams from a more practical mindset. They way I value the pros and cons of any decision and whim chasing is very different from how ESFP's do it.

    My path to growth was acceptance that sometimes when you put something on a pedestal and chase after it, and you get there, it's not always what I thought it would be like in my mind. That's that inferior Ni and for me growth was learning through experience that my mind tends to play tricks on me. I think something is going to be amazing and I chase after it, only to realize that I had hyped it up in my head and it isn't great ---- therefore, it is better to make what I have better and more stable as opposed to change its course entirely. You see what I'm saying?
    Thank you for sharing your side of things as well. It's interesting to see where we overlap, but where we diverge as well. I totally get what you are saying about inferior Ni and growth. And how you've used your experiences to become more stable rather than changing courses.

    I try to weigh the pro's and con's of my choices, but being inherently an optimist works against me when it comes to my dreams. I tend to downplay the negatives and focus more on the positives of my choice. And once I have a vague goal in mind, I race towards it 110%. I think that every goal that I have attained, whether it be right for me in the end or not, has helped me grow as a person. Helped me realize something about myself in the process of pursuing it. So I think even if I end up disappointed in the end, the pursuit of that goal was worthwhile. I guess I am starting to learn that it isn't always the destination that matters, but the journey along the way.

    As for happiness, I'm still seeking it. But I have found that when I find happiness in one area of my life, be it professional, social, or romantic, it ends up spilling over to all the other areas of my life. There's a positive chain reaction that probably has something to do with the energy that I am putting out into the world. I have had moments of complete happiness in my life and after having experienced it, I don't want to settle for less. At the same time, I'm trying not to take what goodness I have in my life for granted. I guess I'm trying to find a way to balance them both. Hmmm... strange, I kinda think we may be at the same point in our lives.

    Now a question for you: What type is your new wife? How is she similar/different to the ESFPs in your life?
    Jawz and Ele30 thanked this post.

  9. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by ametan View Post
    Thank you for sharing your side of things as well. It's interesting to see where we overlap, but where we diverge as well. I totally get what you are saying about inferior Ni and growth. And how you've used your experiences to become more stable rather than changing courses.

    I try to weigh the pro's and con's of my choices, but being inherently an optimist works against me when it comes to my dreams. I tend to downplay the negatives and focus more on the positives of my choice. And once I have a vague goal in mind, I race towards it 110%. I think that every goal that I have attained, whether it be right for me in the end or not, has helped me grow as a person. Helped me realize something about myself in the process of pursuing it. So I think even if I end up disappointed in the end, the pursuit of that goal was worthwhile. I guess I am starting to learn that it isn't always the destination that matters, but the journey along the way.

    As for happiness, I'm still seeking it. But I have found that when I find happiness in one area of my life, be it professional, social, or romantic, it ends up spilling over to all the other areas of my life. There's a positive chain reaction that probably has something to do with the energy that I am putting out into the world. I have had moments of complete happiness in my life and after having experienced it, I don't want to settle for less. At the same time, I'm trying not to take what goodness I have in my life for granted. I guess I'm trying to find a way to balance them both. Hmmm... strange, I kinda think we may be at the same point in our lives.

    Now a question for you: What type is your new wife? How is she similar/different to the ESFPs in your life?
    With age my pro/con analysis has become a lot stronger. It was not as solid as this when I was in my 20's. I too chased after the more optimistic side of the coin. I've made several mistakes in my youth based on my inability to do a proper analysis too so of course, in that us ESP's are always going to be the same ;)

    My wife is an ISTJ. Very stable. Mature. Reliable. I mean, she's pretty much the stereotypical SJ. She gives me the stability I need to chase after my whims but I stay rooted to her because she's the one that's got the handle on making life stable for the both of us.

    I would say that she's pretty much opposite but not entirely because the Te/Fi in the middle gives her a strong emotional and ethical core, but without a lot of the inconsistency and hidden / buried feelings (but obvious ones to me) that happened with Fi/Te. I think this is where since I experienced both, I have a bit of a personal insight. Te/Fi vs Fi/Te makes a surprisingly big difference, while simultaneously being similar in a lot of ways.

    What I value the most is actually her introversion because it makes her calm. Our relationship has passion in the bedroom where it matters and the intensity I get from her is her rational mind and fierce determination.

    Fewer emotional needs is a big plus as well.

    As an ESTP, I'm not as attune with the emotional needs of a feeling type so with her own lack of emotionality, it just creates a more functional life.

    She was also raised by an ESFP, so knows and understands Se dominance which is a huge bonus in our relationship because she's also ready to go knowing that spontaneity simply for the sake of it isn't bothersome to her personally as much as it might be to another ISTJ.

    Funnily enough, I was raised by an INTJ mom, so I just really, really GET the introversion and Te/Fi as well. It makes me a lot more at ease because I can discuss just about anything under the sun and not expect a dramatic response. I mean .. I can even sometimes say mean things (but without any malice) about her family and she will talk me through it rationally and help broaden my perspective.

    I'm happy with the whole 9 yards kind of lifestyle .. with the well planned and organized life. The planned out vacations and holidays. The well kept budget. The lack of materialism. (Since I'm praising these qualities of hers, you can probably infer that I haven't had those experiences with the ESFP's in my life).
    ametan thanked this post.

  10. #9
    ESFP

    Quote Originally Posted by Jawz View Post
    My wife is an ISTJ. Very stable. Mature. Reliable. I mean, she's pretty much the stereotypical SJ. She gives me the stability I need to chase after my whims but I stay rooted to her because she's the one that's got the handle on making life stable for the both of us.

    I would say that she's pretty much opposite but not entirely because the Te/Fi in the middle gives her a strong emotional and ethical core, but without a lot of the inconsistency and hidden / buried feelings (but obvious ones to me) that happened with Fi/Te. I think this is where since I experienced both, I have a bit of a personal insight. Te/Fi vs Fi/Te makes a surprisingly big difference, while simultaneously being similar in a lot of ways.

    What I value the most is actually her introversion because it makes her calm. Our relationship has passion in the bedroom where it matters and the intensity I get from her is her rational mind and fierce determination.

    Fewer emotional needs is a big plus as well.

    As an ESTP, I'm not as attune with the emotional needs of a feeling type so with her own lack of emotionality, it just creates a more functional life.

    She was also raised by an ESFP, so knows and understands Se dominance which is a huge bonus in our relationship because she's also ready to go knowing that spontaneity simply for the sake of it isn't bothersome to her personally as much as it might be to another ISTJ.

    Funnily enough, I was raised by an INTJ mom, so I just really, really GET the introversion and Te/Fi as well. It makes me a lot more at ease because I can discuss just about anything under the sun and not expect a dramatic response. I mean .. I can even sometimes say mean things (but without any malice) about her family and she will talk me through it rationally and help broaden my perspective.

    I'm happy with the whole 9 yards kind of lifestyle .. with the well planned and organized life. The planned out vacations and holidays. The well kept budget. The lack of materialism. (Since I'm praising these qualities of hers, you can probably infer that I haven't had those experiences with the ESFP's in my life).
    Awwww... it sounds like you guys really balance each other well. I always love hearing about relationships like this, where you really appreciate each other for your differences because you know that they complement you and make you better. I've always been attracted to introverts because I like their quiet intelligence. I found out just recently that both of my parents are introverts, so I think that's why I can appreciate them in my life. I like how they can slow me down and make a wonderful moment seem to last forever. I don't know, I can explain it well, but they seem to change the space-time around me so that it operates in its own unique way. (^_^
    Jawz thanked this post.

  11. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by ametan View Post
    Awwww... it sounds like you guys really balance each other well. I always love hearing about relationships like this, where you really appreciate each other for your differences because you know that they complement you and make you better. I've always been attracted to introverts because I like their quiet intelligence. I found out just recently that both of my parents are introverts, so I think that's why I can appreciate them in my life. I like how they can slow me down and make a wonderful moment seem to last forever. I don't know, I can explain it well, but they seem to change the space-time around me so that it operates in its own unique way. (^_^
    I can relate because it is like that for me as well. There is more depth in a relationship with an introvert because by and large introverts are more dedicated to you. Something about the quality of Introversion forming habits around you. This is sort of most true with SJ introverts.

    I like being the center of someone's universe and ISJs tend to facilitate that a lot ;)
    ametan thanked this post.


     
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