[ESFP] Do You Have A Problem With Keeping Intrest After Sex?

Do You Have A Problem With Keeping Intrest After Sex?

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This is a discussion on Do You Have A Problem With Keeping Intrest After Sex? within the ESFP Forum - The Performers forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; I gotta figure out if this is an ESFP thing or an "I have a chain of unhealhty relationships" thing. ...

  1. #1
    ESFP - The Performers

    Do You Have A Problem With Keeping Intrest After Sex?

    I gotta figure out if this is an ESFP thing or an "I have a chain of unhealhty relationships" thing. That's not to say those two things aren't mutually exclusive though :) But no seriously, has anyone else had this problem? I understand the initial spark fading away if you haven't built any kind of deep attachment to someone. And routinely I'll admit, I get turned on by someone physically before I "fall in love" as it were. Sometimes well before. But it'll all be fine and dandy..

    AS LONG AS WE DON'T HAVE SEX.

    After sex? I've had an intense relationship with a girl before. We met online, moved up to texting, to long phone calls, to meeting, to spending time together. The connection I felt, it felt real. And it was exciting. Getting to know someone and learning more about them. Just the constant surprise and feeling dazzled by her. But after sex? It's like..where does it all go? It feels like suddenly once you have sex with someone you've, well, you've seen everything. Both literally and metaphorically. And there's no more surprise. Like "boom, okay. Sooo this is kinda the endgame for most relationships?". And the next thought is usually "k, bored now." I've been lucky so far that, well, I've never broken up with anyone just because of boredom. It's worked out well that usually something else will come up like a move or them losing interest. But the temptation to just walk out because of boredom is always there. And It depresses me because I wonder if I can ever get over this stupid hump and try to stay interested in someone.

    I can stay friends. And it honestly feels better just being friends with people. The excitement is always there and you're never locked down. And I have friendships that have lasted far beyond five years. But relationships? With like actual dating? *plane crashing noise*. It doesn't matter HOW long sex is staved off or who I date. After sex I just suddenly lose interest. Which sucks cause, duh. Sex is awesome.

    But having a relationship last more then 5 months would be nice too :(

    Anyone know if this is just an immature stupid ESFP thing and have suggestions?
    lackofmops thanked this post.



  2. #2
    ENTJ - The Executives

    Congratulations, you're self-aware. I have immense respect for you, and I generally dislike ESFPs. If you're just looking to get laid or form a casual relationship, then the feeling is understandable. After all, if all you want is to sleep with a girl then once you've done it she has nothing more to offer.

    But if you actually like the girl, that's a different matter. In this situation, the "endgame" is not sex but marriage. Perceivers in general can have trouble making commitments, but if you like her enough I'm sure you'll be able to.

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    ESFP - The Performers

    Quote Originally Posted by lackofmops View Post
    Congratulations, you're self-aware. I have immense respect for you, and I generally dislike ESFPs. If you're just looking to get laid or form a casual relationship, then the feeling is understandable. After all, if all you want is to sleep with a girl then once you've done it she has nothing more to offer.

    But if you actually like the girl, that's a different matter. In this situation, the "endgame" is not sex but marriage. Perceivers in general can have trouble making commitments, but if you like her enough I'm sure you'll be able to.

    Good luck.

    Aww, thanks dude, mega appreciation :) No I've given it the thought. Try to map at my feelings and whatnot and I honestly don't like the feeling of boiling someone just down to the sex. Like if that's an active thought "hey, she's cute. Why not sex!? CASUAL SEX?", then the less I actually want it. No, usualy I see someone with an intresting look and it's like the excitement revs up. I want to make them laugh, I want to work through there head and learn everything about them. That part, the chase? It's the best. And the whole time in the back of my head..it's like I'm not seeing the end. Just the moment. If I did let myself see the end I'd see the same pattern repeated over and over again. Get to sex and then *poof* all that excitement fizzles out. I don't think I'm looking for marriage. Waaaaay too heavy. Not now anyway. But I don't like the idea of just churning and burning through these flimsy relationships. Like, how does anyone make anything last longer then three months? How do you keep things fresh?

    I love people and from the surface , people are fascinating. But get to know anyone any longer and I feel like they all blend together with predictable results followed by this routine. And christ is routine unsexy.
    lackofmops thanked this post.

  4. #4

    I understand but I don't relate. Granted I have never been in a relationship likely because I tend to meet guys like this.

    It sounds like you are not looking for a relationship but a good time. Which is fine but don't expect to get both. If you are truly interested in someone, then that will last beyond sex. Otherwise you were never really interested in them but their body. If sex is the ultimate goal for you this will just keep happening.

    Think about the reasons you would want a relationship, maybe write down all the qualities in someone you would like, and all the advantages of having a SO. Now if someone meets all these qualities but you cannot see past sex with them, then there's something you're not acknowledging, such as fear of commitment. Then you can address the real problem and decide whether or not it's worth it to be in a real relationship.
    Dora thanked this post.

  5. #5
    ESFP - The Performers

    No, I don't. And no, I don't think it's specifically an ESFP thing. Though losing interest in a particular thing/person/activity quickly is kind of a common SP trait, so if you are viewing having sex with someone as sort of a "beating the boss" type accomplishment, then it could be that's why you lose interest once you have done that.
    EveryoneWillBeDanzing and Dora thanked this post.

  6. #6
    ESFP - The Performers

    Quote Originally Posted by Fat Bozo View Post
    No, I don't. And no, I don't think it's specifically an ESFP thing. Though losing interest in a particular thing/person/activity quickly is kind of a common SP trait, so if you are viewing having sex with someone as sort of a "beating the boss" type accomplishment, then it could be that's why you lose interest once you have done that.
    Jesus that's depressing :/ I don't know if I see it as a "beating the boss" type thing. It's more of a, "okay, now what?" type thing. Like..I seriously have no idea what's suppose to happen next in a relationship. In the relationships I've had before, I've always been afraid of what would happen if we just stopped having sex and had to *shudder* talk? Like always being afraid of losing someone's interest if I couldn't constantly keep them entertained. With that kind of logic, it almost feels safer to keep dating new people. They haven't heard all your stories or seen you do ever impression or have you quip every quip you know yet.

    I've given this some thought. Yeah the fear of boredom is there too. But I never realized a lot of it was fear of routine and things just becoming stale and using sex to keep things interesting. Which almost never works.
    cosmia and dulcinea thanked this post.

  7. #7
    ESFP - The Performers

    Quote Originally Posted by Yeahright View Post
    Think about the reasons you would want a relationship, maybe write down all the qualities in someone you would like, and all the advantages of having a SO. Now if someone meets all these qualities but you cannot see past sex with them, then there's something you're not acknowledging, such as fear of commitment. Then you can address the real problem and decide whether or not it's worth it to be in a real relationship.
    Now THIS was helpful. I don't think I've ever once thought about writing down the reasons I'd want an SO let alone try to work out what kind of traits I want in a person. Honestly a lot of times, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I go into these things because I've never been single for very long. To the point that it just feels weird to not be in a dating situation :/ As for what I look for, I just love flirting. It comes natural to me and is just really fun. So I'm not really setting aside any traits that I'm looking for. More of a "who's interested right now?" kind of net.
    cosmia, dulcinea and Yeahright thanked this post.

  8. #8
    ESFP - The Performers

    When I had sex in a relationship, I wanted the thing that happened next to be more of the sex.

  9. #9

    Don't we all Bozo, don't we all
    Fat Bozo, EveryoneWillBeDanzing and Dora thanked this post.

  10. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by EveryoneWillBeDanzing View Post
    Now THIS was helpful. I don't think I've ever once thought about writing down the reasons I'd want an SO let alone try to work out what kind of traits I want in a person. Honestly a lot of times, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I go into these things because I've never been single for very long. To the point that it just feels weird to not be in a dating situation :/ As for what I look for, I just love flirting. It comes natural to me and is just really fun. So I'm not really setting aside any traits that I'm looking for. More of a "who's interested right now?" kind of net.
    Ok. Maybe that's the reason then. You have not spent enough time being single and being with your own company, so you feel you don't have much to offer as an individual with your own interests and identity.

    Maybe you are also idealizing too much what a relationship should consist of. It is our nature to want to entertain people all the time of course, that is our raison d'ętre. So I understand what you said in your other response. But a relationship involves accepting the other person as they are, and it's ok not to be exciting all the time. Your presence and personality will be entertaining enough with the right person.
    IniquitousMuse and EveryoneWillBeDanzing thanked this post.


     
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