[ESTJ] When does ESTJ man commit?

When does ESTJ man commit?

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This is a discussion on When does ESTJ man commit? within the ESTJ Forum - The Guardians forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Hello everyone! I am an INFP female and dating an ESTJ man since about six months. He lives in another ...

  1. #1
    INFP

    When does ESTJ man commit?

    Hello everyone!

    I am an INFP female and dating an ESTJ man since about six months. He lives in another country (one hour with airplane away) and we text each other almost every day. We have really good conversations and we can talk about a lot together. We got known to each other because we were both working abroad at the same place and since I got home we text each other almost every day. I visited him already twice and both times we passed a really good time together. From our personalities we are very different, but there is some kind of connection between us and also feelings are there, from both sides.
    He is 9 years older than me (I'm 20), and he has already had about six relationships, so that scares me somehow a bit...
    Well, my question now :D: Although we have a lot of contact and always spend a great time together, he has never talked about being together, as in wanting me as a girlfriend. When I visit him we cook together, spend time together like a normal couple, but we never really spoke about how to define our kind of relation...so as all this is going on for quite a long time now, I would be interested what you think about it.
    Does he already think we are in a relationship and there is no need to talk about it?
    Or does he simply not want me as his girlfriend?
    But why is he texting me every day then and inviting me to his place all the time?
    As he has already had 6 relationships I can't blame this situation on his inability of having relationsships...

    Of course I have already considered talking with him about that, but I know that this is not always the best idea with men...

    I am very interested in your thoughts about this and a big thank you for your answers in advance! :)

    (English is not my native language, so please bare with me :D)

    Best regards :)



  2. #2
    INTJ - The Scientists

    So, I know only a few ESTJs, been in a relationship with one for years. I think that there are several possible things going on here:
    A) He thinks you're in a relationship and has no need to spell it out like that. I think that this possibility is the most likely - ESTJs don't talk, they act - him acting like your boyfriend most probably means he IS your boyfriend.
    B) He may have been hurt before so he's hesitant to put a label on your thing, but again - his actions say pretty clearly that you are a couple
    C) He may be seeing some other woman/women. At the beginning of our relationship, my ESTJ ex (then-bf) was seeing several other girls and told none of us explicitly that "you are my girlfriend" - using it as a loophole... if nobody was told they are GF, it's not real relationship and nobody can claim exclusivity. Essentially, he was dating several girls at once and was testing which one is fit for long-term relationship. Once he picked me, he cut the others loose. Could be that there is some bullshit like that happening to you right now but I doubt he'd keep this up for so long.

    Conclusion: ask him plainly if he thinks of you as his GF. ESTJs may enjoy teasing and mind games, but they tend to answer honestly if asked direct question.

  3. #3

    I've found that ESTJs will answer straightforward questions, why not ask?
    silvs thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    Pretty much just ask him. ESTJs are usually pretty straightforward.
    When we were dating, my husband pretty much said, "we're exclusive. you're my girlfriend."
    I liked that I didn't have to guess where I stood with him.
    silvs thanked this post.

  6. #5

    Before he's even met you.

    (This is a half-joke because my mom and dad were in an arranged marriage and he said yes without meeting her and they've been together 44 years since).

    Seriously though, if you two are still together over a period of a year or so, marriage or whatever has already crossed his mind. I would doubt his ESTJ-ness if it hasn't.
    silvs thanked this post.

  7. #6

    Newbie here, first post, so forgive me if I write this out wierd. And I know, I'm a bit late for this thread lol. But I just wanted to give you my two cents.

    I'm going off by my experience with the one and only ESTJ I've been with. He is 7 years older than me. The beginning was the only time I had to guess what he was thinking even though it was pretty apparent that we both liked each other. He just hid the fact of how much he actually liked me and wanted to be with me. But at the same time, when we started seeing each other all the time and doing stuff, I didn't think of it as dating. We never put a label on it, it just sorta happened. More like best friends. Like you, we would visit each other and act like we were together but never really talked about "being together". Mind you, in his mind, we were already together. He just let things flowed and didn't want to put pressure on me.

    After that, everything was pretty much straight forward. Especially when it came to our relationship. If I asked something serious, he would answer seriously and straightforward. As others have mentioned. They really really like that. They do not like beating around the bush and they really appreciate it if you don't. Being an ENFP, that's really hard for me to do, whereas I will skate around the issue, discussing whatever ideas and possibilities regarding whatever it is, trying to explain, before I get to my point. So I had to learn to be matter of factly towards him.. It's odd, they are so reserved and black and white but at the same time they're so much fun and easy to talk to. Very extraverted beings with so much energy but at the same time, they notice every little detail of whoever or whatever they're dealing with. So being straight up will not only get you what you want but brownie points as well. Ask and you shall receive.
    silvs thanked this post.

  8. #7

    Ironically no ESTJ has responded

  9. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by The red spirit View Post
    Ironically no ESTJ has responded
    So why don't you (to the OP's question)?
    silvs thanked this post.

  10. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Songs unsung View Post
    So why don't you (to the OP's question)?
    Nothing to say to be honest. Also my last post was "ESTJ response".


     

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