[ESTJ] Do ESTJs ever change their minds romantically?

Do ESTJs ever change their minds romantically?

Hello Guest! Sign up to join the discussion below...
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 45
Thank Tree26Thanks

This is a discussion on Do ESTJs ever change their minds romantically? within the ESTJ Forum - The Guardians forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; Short version is: I'm an INFP, and I've been best friends with my ESTJ for going on 4 years. For ...

  1. #1

    Do ESTJs ever change their minds romantically?

    Short version is: I'm an INFP, and I've been best friends with my ESTJ for going on 4 years. For almost all of our friendship, she was happily committed, and I didn't know I loved her. Cue this past 6 months, she's single, we start talking every day, and I realize I'm hopelessly, head over heels, want to marry her today levels of in love with her. She's said that she's not the person for me. But she also made a marriage pact with me because she wants kids by a certain age.

    As an INFP, I frankly just keep hoping that somehow, she'll change her mind and realize she wants me. And I know you guys are blunt, and are going to tell me to get over myself, but it's worth a try. I know I don't have a chance in hell.

    Sent from my PH-1 using Tapatalk



  2. #2

    No opinions?

    Sent from my PH-1 using Tapatalk

  3. #3
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    ISTJ here. Run for the hills. If she isn't the person for you, then you certainly don't want offspring with her that you will support one way or the other (i.e., supporting kids that you may or may not want to begin with + loveless marriage = fail). Hope this helps.
    Horsey thanked this post.

  4. Remove Advertisements
    PersonalityCafe.com
    Advertisements
     

  5. #4

    Quote Originally Posted by Sela View Post
    ISTJ here. Run for the hills. If she isn't the person for you, then you certainly don't want offspring with her that you will support one way or the other (i.e., supporting kids that you may or may not want to begin with + loveless marriage = fail). Hope this helps.
    I do want the kids.

    Sent from my PH-1 using Tapatalk

  6. #5

    An ESTJ has the same function stack as an ISTP, but with opposite energies. Still, it's very possible we'd be on the same wavelength with this one. WARNING: This may be a bit harsh. Chances are, she's just not that into you romantically. There was probably a spark of attraction in the beginning. But as she got to know you better, it faded deeper into the friendzone.

    Dominant feelers tend to be too emotionally intense for dominant thinkers. And we constantly feel as though we have to walk on eggshells in their presence to avoid offending them. However, you have the same functions, but in shadowed order. You bring an odd balance to one another which fascinates you because you're complete opposites. One's strength is the other's weakness. You may have fun and interesting conversations about how the world works, but when you go into how it affects you on an emotional level she might get lost. Or her internal values may conflict with yours and she may not know how to express them to you properly. This may result in blow up fights where she may seem tactless in dealing with your feelings and you may seem irrational to her ways of thinking.

    Most likely, there is a great admiration for your compassion, seeing as Fi is her weakest function. She may see you as a muse in presenting ideas to her and you may also be a bit of a PR coach because you're better at dealing with people. But, she's probably having serious doubts as to whether or not a romantic relationship is right for both of you. If you withdraw and don't share your feelings when you're upset, she won't know how you feel. This will confuse and/or upset her and she may not be very kind to your feelings regardless of whether you tell her or not. Again, most likely, a fight will brew. There can be a lot of conflicts with this relationship. And dominant thinkers will either want to avoid conflict completely, or shut it down quickly.

    Another thing is, she may have her own ideal framework for how she wants her life to be. And you may not comply with her vision. I'd say this might be your biggest obstacle, or not. She wants to start a family by a certain age, and she's keeping you as a placeholder if things don't work out. If you're truly okay with this, then more power to you. However, you're probably not the ideal she has for husband material. You may be lacking the drive she's looking for. ESTJs are very goal oriented and they aim for higher pursuits. They're looking for partners that can help them grow to their highest potential. She may feel that you lack that ability, but you can at least give her the family she desires. Either way, she'd be settling for you. I know that sounds mean, but that's the inferior feeling standpoint. Don't get me wrong, I hope it works out for you. It is very possible that she has strong feelings for you, but she's just not sure if she should acknowledge them or not. I'm just giving you the possible doubts she may have.
    JennyJukes, Crowbo and Horsey thanked this post.

  7. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Cypris View Post
    An ESTJ has the same function stack as an ISTP, but with opposite energies. Still, it's very possible we'd be on the same wavelength with this one. WARNING: This may be a bit harsh. Chances are, she's just not that into you romantically. There was probably a spark of attraction in the beginning. But as she got to know you better, it faded deeper into the friendzone.

    Dominant feelers tend to be too emotionally intense for dominant thinkers. And we constantly feel as though we have to walk on eggshells in their presence to avoid offending them. However, you have the same functions, but in shadowed order. You bring an odd balance to one another which fascinates you because you're complete opposites. One's strength is the other's weakness. You may have fun and interesting conversations about how the world works, but when you go into how it affects you on an emotional level she might get lost. Or her internal values may conflict with yours and she may not know how to express them to you properly. This may result in blow up fights where she may seem tactless in dealing with your feelings and you may seem irrational to her ways of thinking.

    Most likely, there is a great admiration for your compassion, seeing as Fi is her weakest function. She may see you as a muse in presenting ideas to her and you may also be a bit of a PR coach because you're better at dealing with people. But, she's probably having serious doubts as to whether or not a romantic relationship is right for both of you. If you withdraw and don't share your feelings when you're upset, she won't know how you feel. This will confuse and/or upset her and she may not be very kind to your feelings regardless of whether you tell her or not. Again, most likely, a fight will brew. There can be a lot of conflicts with this relationship. And dominant thinkers will either want to avoid conflict completely, or shut it down quickly.

    Another thing is, she may have her own ideal framework for how she wants her life to be. And you may not comply with her vision. I'd say this might be your biggest obstacle, or not. She wants to start a family by a certain age, and she's keeping you as a placeholder if things don't work out. If you're truly okay with this, then more power to you. However, you're probably not the ideal she has for husband material. You may be lacking the drive she's looking for. ESTJs are very goal oriented and they aim for higher pursuits. They're looking for partners that can help them grow to their highest potential. She may feel that you lack that ability, but you can at least give her the family she desires. Either way, she'd be settling for you. I know that sounds mean, but that's the inferior feeling standpoint. Don't get me wrong, I hope it works out for you. It is very possible that she has strong feelings for you, but she's just not sure if she should acknowledge them or not. I'm just giving you the possible doubts she may have.
    INFPs and ESTJs have the same cognitive stack but in reverse order, not ISTPs. At least, that's what I've read.

    We actually have the exact same political views and values. We talked about how we both planned on parenting children, and she absolutely agreed.

    I used to take offense to her straightforward and brutal honesty. I used to do my best to try and not hurt her. I used to jump around what I wanted to say as INFPs can do, but since a few weeks ago, her and I talked about it, and I believe I have made leaps and bounds in both areas.

    Instead of attempting to protect her feelings, I have just learned to not jump around what I want to say, and say exactly what I think on a matter, no matter what I think her reaction will be.

    I have learned that she doesn't like hugs, so I don't hug her, even though I have an intense desire to. I realize its not fair to be "needed" by her, and that she shows how much she loves me in multiple other ways.

    I have learned to stop talking about the future, and rather focus on both the here and now, and the past.

    I have learned that I should not ask how she feels, and tell her how much I wish she'd open up to me, because she won't, and I'm okay with that. I have accepted that just because she doesn't open up to me, doesn't mean I'm not important...and when she does open up to me, it's much more significant than me opening up to her.

    I have learned that to debate something with her, I need cold hard facts, and not emotions.

    It's not only me making changes, she has talked to me about how she could change some of her behaviors to make life easier for me as an INFP.

    I don't mind if she settles with me, as I know I'm willing to put in the time and effort to make it work. I love her and the idea of being able to wake up each morning with my best friend, and hear her laugh or see her smile, would overjoy me. I have a desire to change the world, but the drive is so hard to come by. It's something I need to work on. She will be a wonderful mother, and she's told me that will be a wonderful father some day. She's the only person to ever make me want kids or know I wanted to marry someone.

    She's told me before that she just doesn't think her and I could work out. I don't know if it's an attraction thing, or a conflict of behaviors, if that makes sense. For some reason, it leads me to believe it's a conflict of behavior. She did say she would be perfectly happy having my kids, and no one has ever implied that to me before, so it's Obvious that she cares about me deeply and thinks very highly of me.

    It might also be the distance. We currently live thousands of.miles away, but I plan on moving by her. She has told me many times when we say we miss each other, that I should move to where she lives.

    Also, when I went to visit her last month, I spent 4 days at her house. By the end, she said that it felt like I was living at her house, and that it wasn't that bad having me around.

    I just hope that with self improvement in my weak areas, she might change her mind.

    Sent from my PH-1 using Tapatalk

  8. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by Horsey View Post
    INFPs and ESTJs have the same cognitive stack but in reverse order, not ISTPs. At least, that's what I've read.

    We actually have the exact same political views and values. We talked about how we both planned on parenting children, and she absolutely agreed.

    I used to take offense to her straightforward and brutal honesty. I used to do my best to try and not hurt her. I used to jump around what I wanted to say as INFPs can do, but since a few weeks ago, her and I talked about it, and I believe I have made leaps and bounds in both areas.

    Instead of attempting to protect her feelings, I have just learned to not jump around what I want to say, and say exactly what I think on a matter, no matter what I think her reaction will be.

    I have learned that she doesn't like hugs, so I don't hug her, even though I have an intense desire to. I realize its not fair to be "needed" by her, and that she shows how much she loves me in multiple other ways.

    I have learned to stop talking about the future, and rather focus on both the here and now, and the past.

    I have learned that I should not ask how she feels, and tell her how much I wish she'd open up to me, because she won't, and I'm okay with that. I have accepted that just because she doesn't open up to me, doesn't mean I'm not important...and when she does open up to me, it's much more significant than me opening up to her.

    I have learned that to debate something with her, I need cold hard facts, and not emotions.

    It's not only me making changes, she has talked to me about how she could change some of her behaviors to make life easier for me as an INFP.

    I don't mind if she settles with me, as I know I'm willing to put in the time and effort to make it work. I love her and the idea of being able to wake up each morning with my best friend, and hear her laugh or see her smile, would overjoy me. I have a desire to change the world, but the drive is so hard to come by. It's something I need to work on. She will be a wonderful mother, and she's told me that will be a wonderful father some day. She's the only person to ever make me want kids or know I wanted to marry someone.

    She's told me before that she just doesn't think her and I could work out. I don't know if it's an attraction thing, or a conflict of behaviors, if that makes sense. For some reason, it leads me to believe it's a conflict of behavior. She did say she would be perfectly happy having my kids, and no one has ever implied that to me before, so it's Obvious that she cares about me deeply and thinks very highly of me.

    It might also be the distance. We currently live thousands of.miles away, but I plan on moving by her. She has told me many times when we say we miss each other, that I should move to where she lives.

    Also, when I went to visit her last month, I spent 4 days at her house. By the end, she said that it felt like I was living at her house, and that it wasn't that bad having me around.

    I just hope that with self improvement in my weak areas, she might change her mind.

    Sent from my PH-1 using Tapatalk
    When I stated "an ESTJ has the same function stack as an ISTP, but with opposite energies" I meant our cognitive functions are in the same order but opposite in introversion and extraversion. ISTPs being Ti-Se-Ni-Fe and ESTJs being Te-Si-Ne-Fi. So, I had to reverse my energies with this response.

    One of the wonderful things about you two having the same functions is that you're more willing to compromise and to meet each other half way. It sounds like you two have formed a beautiful relationship with one another. Again, your drive may be the tipping factor. And it might not be a big issue in the long run, but it may be the cause of her current hesitation.

    It would be best to talk to her about her doubts. Then, try presenting data that contradicts her fears. Solid examples work really well in our persuasion process. I don't know what kind of data would work in this case to be honest. But, it sounds like you're wearing her down. If she really likes you in that way, just keep being the wonderful you. I wish you the best of luck.
    Horsey thanked this post.

  9. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Cypris View Post
    When I stated "an ESTJ has the same function stack as an ISTP, but with opposite energies" I meant our cognitive functions are in the same order but opposite in introversion and extraversion. ISTPs being Ti-Se-Ni-Fe and ESTJs being Te-Si-Ne-Fi. So, I had to reverse my energies with this response.

    One of the wonderful things about you two having the same functions is that you're more willing to compromise and to meet each other half way. It sounds like you two have formed a beautiful relationship with one another. Again, your drive may be the tipping factor. And it might not be a big issue in the long run, but it may be the cause of her current hesitation.

    It would be best to talk to her about her doubts. Then, try presenting data that contradicts her fears. Solid examples work really well in our persuasion process. I don't know what kind of data would work in this case to be honest. But, it sounds like you're wearing her down. If she really likes you in that way, just keep being the wonderful you. I wish you the best of luck.
    I should make it clear that for almost all of out friendship, she was happily committed in a relationship.

    I'm hoping eventually, my loyalty and devotion might wear her down.

    Sent from my PH-1 using Tapatalk

  10. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Horsey View Post
    I should make it clear that for almost all of out friendship, she was happily committed in a relationship.

    I'm hoping eventually, my loyalty and devotion might wear her down.

    Sent from my PH-1 using Tapatalk
    It's very possible. Loyalty and devotion is a big turn on.
    Horsey thanked this post.

  11. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by Lady Cypris View Post
    It's very possible. Loyalty and devotion is a big turn on.
    I'm honestly loyal to a fault. Nothing she can do will make me abandon her. I believe she is the same way for me. She's told me she needs me and I told her that I need her. Though, I have realized that's not healthy, and that I don't need her, I don't know if she still needs me.

    Sent from my PH-1 using Tapatalk


     
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. [ESTJ] Are ESFJs and ESTJs romantically compatible?
    By Black Rabbit in forum ESTJ Forum - The Guardians
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 01-27-2019, 11:28 AM
  2. Replies: 12
    Last Post: 09-12-2018, 09:17 AM
  3. Can ESFPs change their minds about a breakup?
    By livenlove in forum Myers Briggs Forum
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 03-06-2018, 11:47 PM
  4. [ENTJ] Do ENTJs ever change their minds?
    By lux in forum ENTJ Forum - The Executives
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 11-17-2011, 09:49 AM
  5. [ESFJ] Are ESFJs and ESTJs romantically compatible?
    By Black Rabbit in forum ESFJ Forum - The Caregivers
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 04-19-2010, 10:07 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:07 PM.
Information provided on the site is meant to complement and not replace any advice or information from a health professional.
© 2014 PersonalityCafe
 

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0