Hey guys, so I need some help in figuring this out. My father-in-law is an ESTJ lifelong military guy and he's been making family reunions crazy frustrating. We used to get along just fine before I had kids but after having kids, reunions are difficult because he parented his kids much more old school than my INTP husband and I do. He's not really open to hearing new ideas or thoughts that differ from whatever he's setup as his guiding views and It's caused a lot of friction. He's married to an old school ISTJ and one of their adult kids is also an ISTJ and all three of them think alike in this regard. So there's like this group mentality when we get together of "there way is the only right way" and since he's the "top of the hierarchy" so to speak, he just makes things really uncomfortable for me as an ESFJ. Like he'll want all the kids to do push ups or something stupid for something minor and my husband and I are like there's no way our kids are doing that. Then he'll get all upset about it like we're challenging his authority when it's like our kids...like no. It doesn't help that his ISTJ son is also old school like that with his own kids so now it's like as if my father-in-law has back-up that that way is the "right" way and now my INTP husband and I are the outliers with our kids...it's really messed up. Or sometimes he doesn't always say things but then you'll see he disapproves and does the silent mad treatment like he's really biting his tongue because his wife told him too kind of and gives off this pissed off vibe all day. It annoys me so much! Like, let's just all get along and respect each other and have a good time. I don't get how he's allowed to go out there and spit out some pretty strong political opinions and views but then doesn't want to hear any differing opinions back (not that I would do that, but my INTP husband / his son tries at times but then stops because he knows from experience it won't go anywhere and isn't worth it).
I guess my question is this: The past few years I've pretty much just shut up and tried to make the best of it and have as peaceful as a time as I can since we only see each other once a year or so...but honestly, I've really had it. We have another one coming up soon and I want to stand up to him more. He's like a little tyrant at times,..like the rest of us are having a good time and then all of a sudden he has some major anger outburst about something stupid and like kills the whole vibe. I feel so bad for his wife in those moments. Then I feel like it's on me to pick up all the pieces and make people have a good time again and calm the vibe.. It's a lot of work and I'm kind of done with it. I want to feel like I and my family are allowed to be who we are if he's allowed to run around being his self but I'm starting to get the feeling that he really only is going to respect people who push back.
So how do you stand up to an ESTJ? Is there a "respectful" / less conflictual way of doing it or do they really only respect getting in their face the way they do to others? It's obviously not my style but I'm hoping I can manage to mediate something better before my INTP husband totally loses it on him and like never goes back to family reunions. I don't really want to ever witness an INTP-ESTJ show down...
I obviously still want family reunions and think they are important because...family.