[ESTJ] Those with siblings, please help me with my ESTJ sister

Those with siblings, please help me with my ESTJ sister

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  • 1 Post By NineTypesOfLight
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This is a discussion on Those with siblings, please help me with my ESTJ sister within the ESTJ Forum - The Guardians forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; I seriously do not get along with her at all, in the slightest, but I want to and have wanted ...

  1. #1

    Those with siblings, please help me with my ESTJ sister

    I seriously do not get along with her at all, in the slightest, but I want to and have wanted to for years and years.

    I am a free spirited person who wings most things and goes with the flow. Not much bothers me and I like to live by my own means, often not taking things seriously at all. She's a highly self-disciplined, image-oriented, social butterfly who gets upset over the smallest things that don't go according to plan. We have three years age difference, her being younger than me.

    I find that even being her older sister who just does her own thing, she still dislikes me or at least puts up an act of disliking me. I bought my mother flowers for mother's day and she threw a tantrum saying my gift is better than hers and went on a spiel along the lines of, "how dare you not include me in your gift idea". I don't understand her. She won't even hug me or compliment me in any way and I haven't done much to ever affect her life negatively outside my own personal struggles.

    Another thing is that she's extremely spoiled being the youngest. She's 24 and I'm 27 so we're both adults, but she still gets the most attention in the family for being a go-getter and ESTJ just like my dad.

    What are some things you like about your siblings, even if they are way different than you? What puts you off about them?
    Sela thanked this post.



  2. #2
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    ISTJ here, but quite honestly, who cares what you got your mother? I would not care unless my sibling made a huge deal of it by bragging to all of their friends and acquaintances in order to increase their standing in their social circle(s). Bragging about stupid stuff publicly really pisses me off.

    My younger sister and I are very similar. She's more in-your-face than I am, but otherwise we get on fairly well. That wasn't always the case; when we were younger we barely spoke to each other. I'm the oldest by 9½ years. She's in her late 30s now and I'm in my late 40s.

    FWIW, I think it's great you remembered your mother on mother's day.

    Perhaps you can approach your sister and arrange for a lunch date; just the two of you. You plan all of the details: what day, what time, venue, etc. Take into account potential traffic delays and parking issues at the restaurant. Your sister probably won't say anything, but will appreciate the effort.

    xSTJ's have a need to control his/her external environment. It's not about trying to control people exactly... it's more about making sure that everything goes according to plan and if people are involved, well... they are part of the plan.

    Hope this helps.

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by Sela View Post
    ISTJ here, but quite honestly, who cares what you got your mother? I would not care unless my sibling made a huge deal of it by bragging to all of their friends and acquaintances in order to increase their standing in their social circle(s). Bragging about stupid stuff publicly really pisses me off.

    My younger sister and I are very similar. She's more in-your-face than I am, but otherwise we get on fairly well. That wasn't always the case; when we were younger we barely spoke to each other. I'm the oldest by 9½ years. She's in her late 30s now and I'm in my late 40s.

    FWIW, I think it's great you remembered your mother on mother's day.

    Perhaps you can approach your sister and arrange for a lunch date; just the two of you. You plan all of the details: what day, what time, venue, etc. Take into account potential traffic delays and parking issues at the restaurant. Your sister probably won't say anything, but will appreciate the effort.

    xSTJ's have a need to control his/her external environment. It's not about trying to control people exactly... it's more about making sure that everything goes according to plan and if people are involved, well... they are part of the plan.

    Hope this helps.
    Thank you so much for the response. This gave me a hell of a lot of insight. I also just asked her out on a lunch date when we're back in the same country and she replied with "Sure!" so I have my hopes up. Again, thanks.
    Sela thanked this post.

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  5. #4
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Best of luck to you both.

  6. #5
    Unknown

    Most young ETJ's can be nightmares (I have experience with 3 of them lol) and the best way to "confront" issues with them from my experience is to actively confront them and allow the relationship to "sour" temporarily till their inferior Fi kicks in when they realize that a shouting match creates a lack of internal harmony (they're not motivated by external harmony as much as Fe-doms which is why they can be somewhat more controlling). If a conflict/fight makes *them* feel bad, then eventually after all the suppression is done, they tend to realize that it might have made the other person feel bad as well. So, time and space and conflict are all essential to growth with a Te-dom.

    Essentially Te doms are still fairly family oriented and eventually they do want harmony with their outside world and friends and family but they tend not to realize this in the moment especially if you keep backing away. When you back down, it's seen as a justification for them being right (and they tend to approach most situations with a sense of entitlement to authority).

    A lot of them simply need to be told (and quite forcefully) that their behavior is just not right - and then given the space to come to terms with it on their own if the argument leads to a shouting match. Setting boundaries is important and explicitly telling them what is and what isn't acceptable is an important part of their growth. They get bullheaded at first, but eventually accept.

    I've Te-dom dad, brother and wife and honestly speaking my relationships are where they're at based on certain well-timed conflicts, fights and resolution seeking. Avoidance does work too at times and just letting things go can be an important tool as well. If you get a gut feel that a particular thing needs to be fought over, then fight over it. Most Te-doms in my life (in fact, pretty much all of them) tend to develop a deeper respect for people who challenge them instead of backing down.

    A less conflict oriented way to really get along well with an ETJ is to share in their activities. Learn to enjoy what they enjoy, discuss their hobbies etc. This is a truism for pretty much all relationships but more so for EJs and EPs in particular. However, even when things are going smoothly and really well, there will be fights and arguments every now and then. That is just a part of living with an ETJ. Can't be completely nullified. My brother and I are 4 years apart (in our late 30s and early 40s) and we had our last fight just last year. Toiugh things seemed to have settled down recently after I took a principled stand.
    Last edited by Jawz; 05-28-2019 at 06:43 AM.
    NineTypesOfLight, Sela, Llyralen and 1 others thanked this post.

  7. #6

    @Jawz I learned a lot from that post that might help me. Great post, thank you!
    Jawz thanked this post.

  8. #7

    I think with ESTJs they do like to be "put together" adults and have plans for things and execute those the way they want and if someone changes their plans or throws a last minute wrench in them, it can really irk them. Obviously, you should be able to get your mom whatever you want without checking it with your sister first. You're all adults here. If you wanted to, you could always ask her next time if she wants to be part of it but honestly, I feel like you shouldn't bend on this one since you're all adults and out of your parents house doing your own thing. I think with ESTJs (at least the ones in my life) you really have to try to stand your ground and not cave every time they pout around or they'll see you as weak or just remain thinking they are right. This is total speculation but it wouldn't surprise me if she was upset about your gift because she sees herself as the "put together" daughter who does all the right things, gets your parents favor by being another ESTJ in the family, etc. So when you do things that give you more limelight she may feel insecure about her standing in the family as the one doing all the right things etc. and may not like being outshined by you. So she talks to you to let you know that wasn't okay with her in an attempt to bring things back into the natural order of the family so her spot isn't threatened. Total speculation, just my two cents.

    If you want to come her way though you can try to give her a heads up to any plans that may be changing or anything that may affect her and she'll really thank you for that. Don't bend to all her demands though and she'll respect you more. She may also think you're "irresponsible" if she translates your need for freedom to be more like you're selfish and don't show up on time and just throw things together with no plan for the future etc. etc. She may have an internal tally system from years of being your sister where she keeps all the examples of you being flaky and unreliable. If this is the case, then you can just try going forward to at least when it comes to your sister show up on time, give her a heads up as to plans or things changing, and be "reliable" in her eyes and with time and consistency she'll show more respect.Or don't and just be yourself and she'll just need to sort this out on her end if she even cares enough to do that. Order, structure, expectations, consistency...all big items.

    The ESTJs I know care about their families but it's more about if everyone in their pack is doing what they should and reasonably getting along as in are cordial but from what I've seen the really deep emotional connections are a bit lost. They have a hard time talking about emotions and I think they tend to try to move on really fast from arguments without even realizing the other person is still hurt and needs more from them emotionally. I think ESTJs also tend to not really believe there are other personality types and that it's more a character flaw if people are "free spirited" = selfish / unmotivated / undisciplined etc. vs that we process the world very differently and that there isn't just one "right" way to do things.
    Last edited by SummerRoads; 05-28-2019 at 01:33 PM.
    Jawz, Sela and Tyche thanked this post.


     

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