[ESTJ] I need help to prevent depression in ESTJ dad

I need help to prevent depression in ESTJ dad

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  • 1 Post By The Big S
  • 2 Post By Sela

This is a discussion on I need help to prevent depression in ESTJ dad within the ESTJ Forum - The Guardians forums, part of the SJ's Temperament Forum- The Overseers category; I don’t know whether genetic, or because my parents are kinda toxic in their own ways, but me and my ...

  1. #1

    I need help to prevent depression in ESTJ dad

    I don’t know whether genetic, or because my parents are kinda toxic in their own ways, but me and my brother have depression. Well, he had manic depression and has bipolar. For me, well I am in my 4th high school and I’m massively depressed and have all kinds of issues.

    I attempted suicide recently and got send to a psych ward (I’m not suicidal now) but that episode bought a certain clarity- I love my family and I love my dad. I used to think I didn’t love my dad because he is kinda cold, and makes me feel inferior and he did influence my life in ways that are not good.

    But, at the same time, he is an insanely good dad. He spent hours training me to help me perform well at sports. He takes me to the gym daily. He works so hard behind the scenes and makes the house run. He does have certain toxic traits, like whenever I’m done with work and am just chilling, he kinda sees it as wasting time and it really gets in my head, I can’t hang out with friends without thinking “this is not useful for my future”.

    Recently, he shared his “internal feelings” that he doesn’t share often. He talked to me and bro about how like he had high hopes for us, like it pains to see kids he interviews at his company so driven and enthusiastic to excel but both his kids are depressed and are low achievers, even though he works really hard and gives us so many opportunities. That could be taken many ways, but I know he didn’t mean to put us down. I understand that it aches for him.

    He is coming home less, spends time either dancing or going to the gym, im really scared he will get depressed or something. Is there any way I can help him, is there any thing I personally can do to show him that there is hope for me...
    folsomprisoner thanked this post.



  2. #2

    Maybe remind him often that the family loves him and happiness/success can be found many ways and not only by climbing a career ladder. I appreciate that even though you're obviously going through so much, you still have it in you to worry about your dad going into depression instead. That's heart warming.

  3. #3

    hello,
    first and foremost this is an important topic. my father (we don't contact because he has been physically violent towards me and the police got involved, possibly giving him a restraining order?) is, i believe also an ESTJ. now, don't get me wrong here please, i did love him growing up.
    as of right now my best friend is a yet another ESTJ who is an absolutely great human that loves & supports me in every decision and i do the same for him.
    my biological ESTJ father, however, has married my mother after getting divorced with the other woman and this second marriage wasn't a happy one either. i was unplanned. i just kind of always perceived him as my stepfather, however, had hopes that he loves the woman he married and his depression is not gonna progress or affect us (me & my older sister). he also gave me a lot of "tough love" growing up and that made me feel like nothing was ever good enough because i was not putting in enough effort. couldn't be further from the truth.
    here's my advice : put yourself as a priority, not him. can reassure you that i had the exact same dilemma about 2 years ago and i have made the wrong choices because of my sympathy for him. it's not about his depression. he'll be fine. there's not much you can do when a person that should be encouraging and supporting you makes YOU take care of them. this is flat out bad parenting, im sorry if it sounds harsh, but i think you realise who your father really is. he just wants you to succeed so he can have a better life.
    my parents are the same way. don't ever blame yourself for someone else's cruelty, especially if they are older than you. hugs!

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  5. #4

    @The Big S

    What I find beautiful is that your father opened up to you. For men in a lot of societies that is a brave thing to do! Maybe this can be the start of a more open/transparent relationship between the two of you.

    Why do you think he's becoming depressed because he goes out dancing or is in the gym? Is that out of the ordinary? It can also just be a coping mechanism. He's perhaps worried about his kids, needs to blow off steam in order to keep his sanity. If that's the case he is just taking care of himself.

    If you really want to know for sure.......talk to the man. My father is not the biggest talker in the world, especially when it comes to his feelings, but he is always willing to talk when I explicitly ask him.

    And about what your father said to you....
    It pains my mother that I've lot of psychological problems in my life, that's natural for every parent I would say. He is worried. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself the best you can and try to take steps in the right direction.

    Anyway. I'm very sorry you had to be admitted in the psych ward because you were suicidal. I've been there, if you want to talk, shoot me a PM.

  6. #5
    ISTJ - The Duty Fulfillers

    Quote Originally Posted by yippy nr 2 View Post
    What I find beautiful is that your father opened up to you. For men in a lot of societies that is a brave thing to do!

    Why do you think he's becoming depressed because he goes out dancing or is in the gym? Is that out of the ordinary? It can also just be a coping mechanism. He's perhaps worried about his kids, needs to blow off steam in order to keep his sanity. If that's the case he is just taking care of himself.
    Opening up AT ALL is a HUGE deal for an STJ. Talking about day-to-day stuff is not difficult, but drilling down and talking about real issues is some serious stuff. Also, doing sports (dancing and the gym) is a way for us STJ's to try and get our heads right. It is in fact self-care and I would not worry about that.
    yippy nr 2 and Eroticarmin thanked this post.

  7. #6

    Quote Originally Posted by The Big S View Post
    I don’t know whether genetic, or because my parents are kinda toxic in their own ways, but me and my brother have depression. Well, he had manic depression and has bipolar. For me, well I am in my 4th high school and I’m massively depressed and have all kinds of issues.

    I attempted suicide recently and got send to a psych ward (I’m not suicidal now) but that episode bought a certain clarity- I love my family and I love my dad. I used to think I didn’t love my dad because he is kinda cold, and makes me feel inferior and he did influence my life in ways that are not good.

    But, at the same time, he is an insanely good dad. He spent hours training me to help me perform well at sports. He takes me to the gym daily. He works so hard behind the scenes and makes the house run. He does have certain toxic traits, like whenever I’m done with work and am just chilling, he kinda sees it as wasting time and it really gets in my head, I can’t hang out with friends without thinking “this is not useful for my future”.

    Recently, he shared his “internal feelings” that he doesn’t share often. He talked to me and bro about how like he had high hopes for us, like it pains to see kids he interviews at his company so driven and enthusiastic to excel but both his kids are depressed and are low achievers, even though he works really hard and gives us so many opportunities. That could be taken many ways, but I know he didn’t mean to put us down. I understand that it aches for him.

    He is coming home less, spends time either dancing or going to the gym, im really scared he will get depressed or something. Is there any way I can help him, is there any thing I personally can do to show him that there is hope for me...
    "thanks dad. i know you did your best, and i love you.... but you need to know that i am my own person, with my own life... and it appears as though i am not the success oriented careerist you wanted me to be. im sorry if you wanted me to be someone else, but i am me"


     

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