What I find so interesting about your post is that a lot of it describes me! I would be putty in my ESTJs hands if she did half of what you described but I think I'd scare the $hit out of her if I did any of that to her . I enjoy sex and like it far better when it's playful, hot and steamy rather than intensely deep and cosmic.
What we've both come to realize is that I'm more aware of myself as a sexual person than she is. A lot of it has to with our respective upbringing. My family is pretty affectionate and open - we talk about almost everything. Her family is the polar opposite - unless the subject is religion. Where I was fortunate to "discover" my mom's Master's & Johnson sex book on the bookshelf when I was in high school, my ESTJ didn't have that kind of resource available to her. I have years of "self discovery" that she is just now beginning to find for herself. Because of that, I'm much more aware of what turns me on.
It's been fascinating and at times frustrating to experience someone who is so dominant in so many other areas of her life (including general interaction with me) be so unsure and passive when it comes to being playfully sexual. The encouraging thing is that she has become really committed to tapping into her sexual side - she recently asked me to take her to a "toy store". Even though she was initially super embarrassed, she actually got in to it and had fun and asked the staff waaaay more questions about toys and lube than I would have.
Anyway, a big THANK YOU to all you ESTJs for taking time to join in the conversation so far. Your input has been more helpful and insightful than you know.