Hi guys, I'm new to the forum and hope you could help me out. Recently my ESTP exchange friend from 10 years ago came to my country for a holiday. I kind of fell for him after one day of bringing him around and decided to sleep with him, messed up, and he ignored the photo that I posted of us. What does he think of me? Does he still respect or like me? And if not, what can I do?
My impression was that he's the life of the party, never knew him well. He messaged me sporadically over the years teasing me about exchange shenanigans, called me innocent for choosing love and commitment, said that all men cheat and love is an idea invented by movies, called me all grown up and he wants to 'eat me', called me a good girl, asked about my country, asked whether it's easy to hit on girls here, linked me up with his friend who was looking for work in my country. I've commented that he will never be the good guy who gets married, and he said he's a kind guy. I've always brushed off his comments and replied neutrally.
I was pleasantly surprised after catching up with him. He's driven at work and flies internationally to make things happen. Proud of the fact that he's learned more from expanding a startup instead of being a cog in a large MNC. He goes ahead with his plans until the boss scolds him. When he scolds his team, he forgets about it the next day but they remain jittery. I type him as ESTP, enneagram 7w8 or 8w7.
Relationship wise he's been cheated on by his first gf. Left his second gf hanging on-off for five years. Had a short relationship during exchange and he fucked around more after working. He said I'm insecure about my ex (because his ex contacted him and I was unhappy she said inappropriate things) and that romantic love like that isn't good because it made him jealous and accept more than he should from his cheating ex. He had standards though, when his second ex contacted him while being attached he felt that was wrong (that kind of contradicted my stand with my ex? Double standards).
He knew I was in a funk over my career transition and shared his own experience and some great advice, and I appreciated he wanted to help when he sensed I was keeping a cheerful front. He was touching me, teasing me, calling me crazy, repeating my phrases, when I played the piano he was impressed (his sister plays the piano and I think it's a 'thing' for him), discussing current affairs and companies at the forefront of AI and automatiom, played intense eye contact games with me. At other random moments, he mentioned my proper English, that I'm smart, that he liked that I was open to new people and experiences. He also asked what I thought about him and I jokingly said 'a pain in the ass' because he mentioned that people say that about him a lot.
At the end of the night, when I kissed him and hinted that I wanted to sleep with him he was shocked because he always saw me as innocent, and he was even more shocked that I've only slept with two guys. He also thought that me waiting one year after my breakup to date was too long. He was a bit protective and kept asking me if I was drunk, then flipped a switch. He became a bit cocky? Humped me against a lamp post when we were flagging a cab, asked me to split the alcohol bill with him, asked me to pay the cab fare. (I don't know, making use of me now that he knows I like him?). He was too rough with me, and didn't let up when I was in pain, he fingered me and triggered my second period when the first just ended days ago. I was freaking embarrassed and said I should leave. He went "So what should I do with a hard on?" And I started giving him a blowjob. Halfway through, I felt really cheap and used and said "I'm not getting anything from this" and left. I was really conflicted and didn't want things to end badly (people pleasing enfp urgh) and asked him if he wanted to meet for dinner the next day. He declined as he was accompanying a colleague and didn't reply when I asked if I could send him off at the airport.
At the airport, he said that he felt I was selfish when I said I wasn't getting anything out of this. To him he felt he couldn't have done anything since I was bleeding. But I thought he was really insensitive and not aware that after a year of not having sex I needed some foreplay instead of a "wham bam thank you ma'am". I accidentally insulted him when I said my ex had a larger dick, probably could have put the point across without reacting from my shame and hurting his ego, that it's not about size it's about the patience and care.
I asked him if he liked me, he said he liked me for showing him around more attractions than he could in one day. I asked if he he was attracted to me he said I'm an attractive girl. My heart was sinking and I just said "so you aren't attracted to me more than a friend" and he went "Well I could've visited prostitutes with my colleague but I didn't" (WHAT?) and "love can't be said, it has to be experienced". When I was looking around for a sofa that could seat two so I could cuddle him he was pissed that I was looking around and not focusing on him - he also said he didn't cuddle urgh. My self-esteem was shot after that lol.
I get the sense that he was trying to ask if I set aside time for him especially. And when I said he'll find a nice girl one day (out of resignation that he probably doesn't like me and would never come back to my country unless he relocates for work) he said maybe the girl will get tired of him being a pain in the ass. He noticed that I travelled a lot with my ex which showed he'd been stalking me. He asked about my travel plans (he's a huge travel junkie). He said I insulted his looks and figure (it was just teasing!) and that he thought I felt obliged to continue hanging out with him at night (I was just trying to hold back tears as I really enjoyed time with him and wanted to spend more time with him lol). When he was about to enter the departure gates I was vibrating with hesitation and he hugged me twice. And said that he might be coming again end of the year for a conference.
I decided to post a picture of us with a flattering caption about him (which was not meant to flatter just the truth about what I loved about him spreading happiness and fun, being positive and trying to bond with local ppl) and he didn't like both the fb and ig posts!!! While posting lots of new pictures. Why is he ignoring the posts?
I like and admire him but my brain knows he's still sowing his wild oats, has a few girlfriends and side chicks. I like that glimpse of a caring person but what happened in bed turned me off, and must have turned him off as well. I don't regret wanting to give him something after a whole day of insane chemistry but it backfired so bad. Did I lose his respect? Was he even interested in me romantically or was he just enjoying my company as a friend? Obviously I don't know what's an ESTP's baseline behaviour. And if by a fluke he comes back end of this year what can I do to build attraction again?
I kind of want to write him a sincere letter now in the mindset of someone who's never going to see him or be with him again as i want to properly end things on a good note and acknowledge all the great things about him. I can't exactly show love by action, the only thing I can use are words. Should I write the letter to mend bridges or will he just scoff at my naivety? What would help in the letter?
P.S. I sure hope he doesn't see this. Dead giveaway. Then again he's French, his English is average so maybe he'll never go on PerC.