[ESTP] Does this ESTP respect or like me? If not, what can I do?: ENFP female

Does this ESTP respect or like me? If not, what can I do?: ENFP female

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  • 3 Post By shazam
  • 2 Post By ENIGMA2019

This is a discussion on Does this ESTP respect or like me? If not, what can I do?: ENFP female within the ESTP Forum - The Doers forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; Hi guys, I'm new to the forum and hope you could help me out. Recently my ESTP exchange friend from ...

  1. #1

    Hi guys, I'm new to the forum and hope you could help me out. Recently my ESTP exchange friend from 10 years ago came to my country for a holiday. I kind of fell for him after one day of bringing him around and decided to sleep with him, messed up, and he ignored the photo that I posted of us. What does he think of me? Does he still respect or like me? And if not, what can I do?

    My impression was that he's the life of the party, never knew him well. He messaged me sporadically over the years teasing me about exchange shenanigans, called me innocent for choosing love and commitment, said that all men cheat and love is an idea invented by movies, called me all grown up and he wants to 'eat me', called me a good girl, asked about my country, asked whether it's easy to hit on girls here, linked me up with his friend who was looking for work in my country. I've commented that he will never be the good guy who gets married, and he said he's a kind guy. I've always brushed off his comments and replied neutrally.

    I was pleasantly surprised after catching up with him. He's driven at work and flies internationally to make things happen. Proud of the fact that he's learned more from expanding a startup instead of being a cog in a large MNC. He goes ahead with his plans until the boss scolds him. When he scolds his team, he forgets about it the next day but they remain jittery. I type him as ESTP, enneagram 7w8 or 8w7.

    Relationship wise he's been cheated on by his first gf. Left his second gf hanging on-off for five years. Had a short relationship during exchange and he fucked around more after working. He said I'm insecure about my ex (because his ex contacted him and I was unhappy she said inappropriate things) and that romantic love like that isn't good because it made him jealous and accept more than he should from his cheating ex. He had standards though, when his second ex contacted him while being attached he felt that was wrong (that kind of contradicted my stand with my ex? Double standards).

    He knew I was in a funk over my career transition and shared his own experience and some great advice, and I appreciated he wanted to help when he sensed I was keeping a cheerful front. He was touching me, teasing me, calling me crazy, repeating my phrases, when I played the piano he was impressed (his sister plays the piano and I think it's a 'thing' for him), discussing current affairs and companies at the forefront of AI and automatiom, played intense eye contact games with me. At other random moments, he mentioned my proper English, that I'm smart, that he liked that I was open to new people and experiences. He also asked what I thought about him and I jokingly said 'a pain in the ass' because he mentioned that people say that about him a lot.

    At the end of the night, when I kissed him and hinted that I wanted to sleep with him he was shocked because he always saw me as innocent, and he was even more shocked that I've only slept with two guys. He also thought that me waiting one year after my breakup to date was too long. He was a bit protective and kept asking me if I was drunk, then flipped a switch. He became a bit cocky? Humped me against a lamp post when we were flagging a cab, asked me to split the alcohol bill with him, asked me to pay the cab fare. (I don't know, making use of me now that he knows I like him?). He was too rough with me, and didn't let up when I was in pain, he fingered me and triggered my second period when the first just ended days ago. I was freaking embarrassed and said I should leave. He went "So what should I do with a hard on?" And I started giving him a blowjob. Halfway through, I felt really cheap and used and said "I'm not getting anything from this" and left. I was really conflicted and didn't want things to end badly (people pleasing enfp urgh) and asked him if he wanted to meet for dinner the next day. He declined as he was accompanying a colleague and didn't reply when I asked if I could send him off at the airport.

    At the airport, he said that he felt I was selfish when I said I wasn't getting anything out of this. To him he felt he couldn't have done anything since I was bleeding. But I thought he was really insensitive and not aware that after a year of not having sex I needed some foreplay instead of a "wham bam thank you ma'am". I accidentally insulted him when I said my ex had a larger dick, probably could have put the point across without reacting from my shame and hurting his ego, that it's not about size it's about the patience and care.

    I asked him if he liked me, he said he liked me for showing him around more attractions than he could in one day. I asked if he he was attracted to me he said I'm an attractive girl. My heart was sinking and I just said "so you aren't attracted to me more than a friend" and he went "Well I could've visited prostitutes with my colleague but I didn't" (WHAT?) and "love can't be said, it has to be experienced". When I was looking around for a sofa that could seat two so I could cuddle him he was pissed that I was looking around and not focusing on him - he also said he didn't cuddle urgh. My self-esteem was shot after that lol.

    I get the sense that he was trying to ask if I set aside time for him especially. And when I said he'll find a nice girl one day (out of resignation that he probably doesn't like me and would never come back to my country unless he relocates for work) he said maybe the girl will get tired of him being a pain in the ass. He noticed that I travelled a lot with my ex which showed he'd been stalking me. He asked about my travel plans (he's a huge travel junkie). He said I insulted his looks and figure (it was just teasing!) and that he thought I felt obliged to continue hanging out with him at night (I was just trying to hold back tears as I really enjoyed time with him and wanted to spend more time with him lol). When he was about to enter the departure gates I was vibrating with hesitation and he hugged me twice. And said that he might be coming again end of the year for a conference.

    I decided to post a picture of us with a flattering caption about him (which was not meant to flatter just the truth about what I loved about him spreading happiness and fun, being positive and trying to bond with local ppl) and he didn't like both the fb and ig posts!!! While posting lots of new pictures. Why is he ignoring the posts?

    I like and admire him but my brain knows he's still sowing his wild oats, has a few girlfriends and side chicks. I like that glimpse of a caring person but what happened in bed turned me off, and must have turned him off as well. I don't regret wanting to give him something after a whole day of insane chemistry but it backfired so bad. Did I lose his respect? Was he even interested in me romantically or was he just enjoying my company as a friend? Obviously I don't know what's an ESTP's baseline behaviour. And if by a fluke he comes back end of this year what can I do to build attraction again?


    I kind of want to write him a sincere letter now in the mindset of someone who's never going to see him or be with him again as i want to properly end things on a good note and acknowledge all the great things about him. I can't exactly show love by action, the only thing I can use are words. Should I write the letter to mend bridges or will he just scoff at my naivety? What would help in the letter?

    P.S. I sure hope he doesn't see this. Dead giveaway. Then again he's French, his English is average so maybe he'll never go on PerC.
    Last edited by bygolly; 03-26-2019 at 09:48 AM.



  2. #2
    ENTJ


    Based on your story, it appears that this man is living his life the way *he* wants to and everyone else is secondary, including you.
    That doesn't mean he's a selfish jerk, just that "other people's needs" are an inconvenience. I don't know how to answer your questions without knowing your friend (how can any of us truly know another's motivations without having the opportunity to dig very deep into their mind)

    It also sounds like there was some ego-bruising on your part with him, and this was his way of evening things out.

    Cock comparison is a surefire way to kill a burgeoning romance. Do I really need to explain this? (please say yes haha)

    But that was probably just a small part of his personae and while you could have been FWB, it's kind of petered out and now you find yourself needing to write him a final letter. To say what, exactly? Will this really be closure?

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by Warp10 View Post
    Based on your story, it appears that this man is living his life the way *he* wants to and everyone else is secondary, including you.
    That doesn't mean he's a selfish jerk, just that "other people's needs" are an inconvenience. I don't know how to answer your questions without knowing your friend (how can any of us truly know another's motivations without having the opportunity to dig very deep into their mind)

    It also sounds like there was some ego-bruising on your part with him, and this was his way of evening things out.

    Cock comparison is a surefire way to kill a burgeoning romance. Do I really need to explain this? (please say yes haha)

    But that was probably just a small part of his personae and while you could have been FWB, it's kind of petered out and now you find yourself needing to write him a final letter. To say what, exactly? Will this really be closure?
    Thanks for replying Warp10. He’s 33 I’m 30. And he mentioned he’ll only settle down when he wants kids. A woman who’s attractive, can pass her smart genes to his children and can cook lol. So yeah definitely not in the market for a committed relationship.

    Hmm yes it seems so. Or maybe he was just being kind to me and not interested at all hence the ignoring. I was a one day friend with unexpected benefits haha. I should mention that he didn’t want me to send him off. I kind of camped out at the airport around his flight timing and called him 😕

    I totally did not mean to insult his cock. Yeah maybe a small part of me had my ego bruised. And I was hurt (literally and metaphorically) by his lack of care to my body. Even if my ex had a 7 incher he was really sweet and slow with me and after that I had no problem 😉 he had a problem with my high libido. I told my friend that I was quite crushed that I couldn’t show him my skills (I really just wanted to give him a good time) and he felt I was too competitive, it’s just an experience. Haha yes you may explain cock comparison. I’m inexperienced and have no game or awareness sometimes 😧 this is probably the first time in my life I’m compelled to hook up with someone.

    I just want to know how I can mend that rift between us and build attraction with him again. My girl friend asked me to cut him off because he obviously didn’t care about me but *eh* the heart wants what it wants.
    Last edited by bygolly; 03-26-2019 at 09:54 AM.

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  5. #4

    He messaged me sporadically over the years teasing me about exchange shenanigans, called me innocent for choosing love and commitment, said that all men cheat and love is an idea invented by movies, called me all grown up and he wants to 'eat me'
    Left his second gf hanging on-off for five years.
    The premise and setting.

    he fucked around more after working. He said I'm insecure about my ex (because his ex contacted him and I was unhappy she said inappropriate things) and that romantic love like that isn't good because it made him jealous and accept more than he should from his cheating ex. He had standards though, when his second ex contacted him while being attached he felt that was wrong (that kind of contradicted my stand with my ex? Double standards).
    Obvious wtfs and red flags all over this paragraph.

    I kind of fell for him after one day of bringing him around and decided to sleep with him, messed up, and he ignored the photo that I posted of us.
    You made two mistakes here.

    At the end of the night, when I kissed him and hinted that I wanted to sleep with him
    ...Why.

    He also thought that me waiting one year after my breakup to date was too long. He was a bit protective and kept asking me if I was drunk, then flipped a switch. He became a bit cocky?
    He didn't flip a switch. He's was an asshole through and through from what I've read and simply saw you as a conquest/temporary possession.

    He was too rough with me, and didn't let up when I was in pain, he fingered me and triggered my second period when the first just ended days ago. I was freaking embarrassed and said I should leave. He went "So what should I do with a hard on?" And I started giving him a blowjob. Halfway through, I felt really cheap and used and said "I'm not getting anything from this" and left. I was really conflicted and didn't want things to end badly (people pleasing enfp urgh) and asked him if he wanted to meet for dinner the next day. He declined as he was accompanying a colleague and didn't reply when I asked if I could send him off at the airport.
    Figures.

    He went "So what should I do with a hard on?"
    Again, douche alert.

    At the airport, he said that he felt I was selfish when I said I wasn't getting anything out of this. To him he felt he couldn't have done anything since I was bleeding. But I thought he was really insensitive and not aware that after a year of not having sex I needed some foreplay instead of a "wham bam thank you ma'am". I accidentally insulted him when I said my ex had a larger dick, probably could have put the point across without reacting from my shame and hurting his ego, that it's not about size it's about the patience and care.

    I asked him if he liked me, he said he liked me for showing him around more attractions than he could in one day. I asked if he he was attracted to me he said I'm an attractive girl. My heart was sinking and I just said "so you aren't attracted to me more than a friend" and he went "Well I could've visited prostitutes with my colleague but I didn't" (WHAT?) and "love can't be said, it has to be experienced". When I was looking around for a sofa that could seat two so I could cuddle him he was pissed that I was looking around and not focusing on him - he also said he didn't cuddle urgh. My self-esteem was shot after that lol.
    You're both an utter mess, smh.

    So let's go on to your questions.

    Did I lose his respect?
    You lost his respect the moment you chose to sleep with him that fast. This is backed up by the time he got demanding and telling you to do something about his hard on.

    Also, making fun of his dick size regardless of "playfully" or not generally speaking, puts a lot of people off and I'm sure that put him off.
    Men are very insecure in this area. The passion died a long time ago.

    I'm not a man and a fellow ENFP and even I was turned off when I read that.

    Was he even interested in me romantically or was he just enjoying my company as a friend?
    He might have entertained the idea of you romantically, but most of his thoughts now is that you're simply a past hookup and an utter mess of one.

    And if by a fluke he comes back end of this year what can I do to build attraction again?
    Why would you want to? Both of you need to work on yourself and development of character before even thinking of going back to the dating scene.

    That being said, I highly suggest moving on to someone new. This guy sounds problematic.

    Should I write the letter to mend bridges or will he just scoff at my naivety? What would help in the letter?
    No.

  6. #5

    The premise and setting.

    He was telling me his cynical/practical view of love in random fb messages to me throughout the years and reiterated it to me on his trip here. As for the on-off relationship with his second ex he was going on exchange and that was an off period where he dated other girls. I think it was unfair for her but she might have held on for love. I wouldn't endure that kind of behaviour. You either stay together and maintain the long distance relationship and not sleep with anyone else, or break up for good. He eventually severed the relationship after 5 years.


    Obvious wtfs and red flags all over this paragraph.
    You made two mistakes here.
    ...Why.

    I think my stand with my ex was reasonable: if you don't recognise it when an ex-gf is trying to test the waters with you I'd be very concerned for the future. He obviously held the same standard with the second ex contacting him while she was attached but labelled me insecure. I decided to sleep with him as I haven't had so much fun in a long time. Even after going on a couple of dates this year. And I felt he cared to lift me out of the funk and I genuinely admired and respected him (except for his attitude to love). Plus it's very likely he'd only come to my country once and never be back again.

    He didn't flip a switch. He's was an asshole through and through from what I've read and simply saw you as a conquest/temporary possession.
    Figures.
    Again, douche alert.
    You're both an utter mess, smh.
    So let's go on to your questions.
    You lost his respect the moment you chose to sleep with him that fast. This is backed up by the time he got demanding and telling you to do something about his hard on.
    Also, making fun of his dick size regardless of "playfully" or not generally speaking, puts a lot of people off and I'm sure that put him off.
    Men are very insecure in this area. The passion died a long time ago.
    I'm not a man and a fellow ENFP and even I was turned off when I read that.

    It wasn't my intention to make fun of his dick size. That was at the airport when I tried to make things right and explain my abrupt departure. I wanted to tell him I left because I felt he wasn't sensitive to my needs and that it was painful. I wanted to make the point that it wasn't about dick size since my ex had a bigger dick and it didn't hurt since he was patient. I could've said it without bringing in that example but arghhhh that was the first thing that came out. He was disgruntled for sure "Now you say your ex's dick is bigger". Sigh...must have bruised his ego to the point of no return. Also I need to be more aware of when I really want something more with a guy and hold myself back from sleeping with him so soon. Not all men will think lower of a woman if they sleep on a first date :(


    He might have entertained the idea of you romantically, but most of his thoughts now is that you're simply a past hookup and an utter mess of one.
    Why would you want to? Both of you need to work on yourself and development of character before even thinking of going back to the dating scene.

    I'M SAD AT THE LOST OPPORTUNITY. Yeah I fully agree. I'm about 70% healed a year after the breakup and going on dates casually just to experience new people. Couldn't bring myself to date in the first year. It was just so unexpected being bowled over by him and being impulsive. If I didn't start bleeding everywhere I would've chalked it up as me wanting him after a whole day of fun and feels, but the terrible way it turned out and his insensitivity just killed everything. And noted, I'm aware of the personal development I need.

    That being said, I highly suggest moving on to someone new. This guy sounds problematic.

    Yeah. I think unless something drastic happens like he relocates here for work and he is more commitment minded I wouldn't even consider. And if he does come for the conference this year I won't meet him :( I was just hoping that he truly saw me as someone he respected and liked. Eh...it doesn't matter now :(

    No.

    I guess the letter would be to validate him. If I'm never going to see him again I would hope he finds love and believes in it because he's really a great guy outside relationships and love. And for selfish reasons to salvage my image in his eyes. More for the first. Thanks for your input. Very harsh but necessary and similar to what one female ENFP friend told me. Hope to have more replies from male ESTPs so I could have their interpretation.

  7. #6

    Is this a serious question?

    P.S. Why did you post in purple?

  8. #7

    what happened in about a paragraph please if you can
    ENIGMA2019, Alassea and Sensational thanked this post.

  9. #8

    Quote Originally Posted by shazam View Post
    what happened in about a paragraph please if you can
    Alassea and Sensational thanked this post.

  10. #9

    No, you didn't lose any of his respect at all! Dead serious! I mean it!


     

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