[ESTP] ISFP female broke up with ESTP male. Help me understand this mess?

ISFP female broke up with ESTP male. Help me understand this mess?

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This is a discussion on ISFP female broke up with ESTP male. Help me understand this mess? within the ESTP Forum - The Doers forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; Hi. I'm an ISFP who has recently split from my partner/long time friend who I strongly believe is an ESTP. ...

  1. #1

    ISFP female broke up with ESTP male. Help me understand this mess?

    Hi. I'm an ISFP who has recently split from my partner/long time friend who I strongly believe is an ESTP. I could really use some insight on this situation because we work together and he's been completely avoiding me since. I'm trying to understand his POV and also to not make things worse.

    We broke up as the result of a fight. It started out simple; we were watching a show and I had an opinion on something I considered a moral dilemma in it which he did not. Him disagreeing wasn't a problem, however I think between the way I was sharing my side and the way he was sharing his, it somehow exploded. We got quiet after that. I was definitely experiencing some insecurities while I was laying there silently; we were still new as far as dating goes, and as someone who doesn't often feel I can express myself, I guess it hurt to feel like doing so would lead to conflict. I asked to go downstairs and think (his house.) Later on he came downstairs to get a beer -- at this point I hadn't yet realized he was already intoxicated -- and it sounded like he was slamming things so I confronted him about it. The argument started all over again. I expressed I didn't like how he was insinuating I don't agree with him simply because I don't understand things, instead of trying to see my POV at all. He expressed that he felt I was complicated, that he didn't like my tone, and that he was starting to suspect I was pissing him off on purpose. I guess I was also cutting him off from speaking a few times without realizing (something I do sometimes unintentionally when my feelings are talking for me) because that set him off, too. In his defense he tried to tell me he was drunk and wanted to discuss it in the morning. But I was so hurt at that point that I couldn't let everything else he'd said go. I told him angrily he should get with someone not as complicated then. At that point he had shut down basically deciding to ignore I was there anymore, I was crying, and I went home.

    The next day at work he was avoiding me, which I of course understood. A mutual friend spoke to him and he told her he was going to start attending AA meetings (apparently he felt he'd been struggling with alcoholism for a while.) I sent a message later that night apologizing, saying I hadn't meant to make him that angry and that I eventually wanted to be there as a friend or even an acquaintance. No response which I was expecting. However it's been a week and I still see him visibly dodging me which feels so unnecessary. So I sent my final one today asking if we could at least be civil, because I've been avoiding going to his department just to not risk making him uncomfortable. Again, no reply. I really wish I fully understood what he was thinking. My biggest fear is that he'll let so much time go by that he decides it's best just not to speak to me at all anymore. As if the really good times we had never meant anything. At the very least he could stop demonizing me to the point where he doesn't move away just because I'm near. That hurts the most, seeing as we were so close just a week ago.

    If it's impossible to talk to him now, so be it. I know I can't force him into anything nor would I want to. I'm just trying to understand if there's anything I can do to help this become more amicable. If I can understand his headspace better. And if there's something I did that I could have done much better for the future.



  2. #2

    this should be what you wanted, you broke up in a fight

  3. #3

    Would you prefer to be with him again or to just act as friends?

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  5. #4
    ESTP - The Doers

    Quote Originally Posted by Polterguise View Post
    I could really use some insight on this situation because we work together and he's been completely avoiding me since. I'm trying to understand his POV and also to not make things worse.

    We broke up as the result of a fight. It started out simple; we were watching a show and I had an opinion on something I considered a moral dilemma in it which he did not. Him disagreeing wasn't a problem, however I think between the way I was sharing my side and the way he was sharing his, it somehow exploded.
    I am not sure what exactly happened because you are not being specific about what the disagreement was about.

    ISFPs are great at empathy and picking out the value of others. The issue is when it is a core feeling there is no argument. We are just supposed to go along with you. In general, ESTPs have to learn to leave our objective core functions to get along with feelers, Ti and Se, to not destroy the harmony or pleasantness a feeler is having despite everything in our being saying that what you all are feeling is bullshit. I had to learn that I don't talk to ISFPs about a point of view that is different than theirs but to leave around a magazine article or paper to suggest to them that their view is a minority one versus trying to educate them on the truth. ISFPs in general cannot handle direct confrontation.

    Believe me, it is not easy being an ESTP human bullshit detector. When you speak truth to people who do not want to hear it, they hate you. The worst is when you get in a group feel situation: political rally, church sermon, multi-level marketing meeting, or concert. The brain literally makes chemicals in such events that get you high, that relieve anxiety, that promote cohesion.

    Anyway, Dan Brown wrote the popular book, the Da Vinci code, and some felt like he was attacking the Bible and the church's brand or claim to legitimacy. This is a cohesion promoting exercise, us v. them . A preacher at a church I used to go to was giving a sermon trashing Dan Brown's book and is halfway through it and says, "Now, I am going to be honest with you. I didn't read the Da Vinci code." For feelers who love that feeling of harmony, they just pass that by. For ESTPs, whose core being is making decisions based on sensing and facts, this is an unforgivable offense.

    The funny thing about me and church is that I went to get those chemicals but when a preacher makes a comment like that, the chemicals are shut off. I didn't make a scene or anything but I never went back. I was married at the time, and I told my ex, a feeler, that preacher was "a fucking idiot", and she knew not to challenge me on this.

    Anyway, I suspect that is what your conflict was about. He knew a truth, and that truth conflicted with one of your core values. A feeler who was crazy dedicated to that church would certainly have had a problem with me proclaiming one of their preachers was "a fucking idiot" even though that is exactly what he was.
    nablur and Sensational thanked this post.

  6. #5

    You're overthinking it. You broke up with him time to move on
    Sensational thanked this post.

  7. #6

    I fell very deeply for an ISFP years ago

    A lot like what Elvis mentioned I adapted a lot
    Not like in a fake way but just more so like wanting to do that relationship compromise thing

    I found that when he just had what I consider to be normal relationship jitters and doing his own analysis he really went hard at me. Went out of his way to project and purposely pick a fight. He ended up being really bent about the fact I would not answer the question on how many people I slept with. Dude we are in 30s & 40s wtf do you need a head count. He had known me years. I did not pretend to be another person. Suddenly he was fixated on how many people I fucked in a life time (honestly no fucken clue don’t count, could guesstimate). But also how many people I fucked in between us haven dated prior and him breaking up with me. Dude you broke up with me now you want to know who I fucked because I didn’t wait for you, but the thing is he waited until we were 2 months into dating. He didn’t make this an issue right away. He made it an issue when he wanted to pick a fight and make me the bad guy. And character attack in order to justify the fact he didn’t have the balls to just say hey I don’t want to be with you. When he did that I left. Much like your boyfriend. I was just done.

    And actually my most recent ex girlfriend was also pretty obsessed with who I have fucked
    I thought she was INFJ but I believe she is ISFP as well. She also did the whole her lifestyle and self righteous bias to justify some crazy things (not like you or the first guy I mentioned). Not sure what the fuck is with ISFPs caring how many people someone else fucks.

    In both their cases they drank more than recommended and should be looking mirror at their own shit. Rather than who I have fucked prior to them

    He is done
    Like done
    Done
    Done
    Like he already wrote you off after he saw you project, cherry pick, in order to justify your own internal conflicts.

    ESTP can put up with a lot if they love someone if in a deliberation faze and even understand people can be having their own crisis

    But as soon as someone reveals to be a liar, gaslighter and project their conflict onto an ESTP at the very moment the ESTP will immediately fall out of love! You betrayed his emotional trust in you and projected. He does not want to fight, he does not want to try, he does not want to be cordial, he does not want to give you anymore effort. He doesn’t even want to hate you.

    I generally like ISFPs a lot
    But this is a really bad trait of Fucked Up & Immature ISFPs
    Hopefully you just are able to take from this experience on that other players involved have limits and principles as well in life
    Last edited by Sensational; 01-31-2020 at 09:12 AM.
    elvis2010 thanked this post.

  8. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by Cthulhu And Coffee View Post
    My biggest fear is that he'll let so much time go by that he decides it's best just not to speak to me at all anymore.
    Absolute best thing for him.

    I've met ISFPs -up close and personal- I've read/heard/seen your script. It's amazing!! Everything your are saying and doing is a dejá-vu for me. But to such a level of precision, that it is: an exact copy!

    (And you're probably into something else the next week).

    Now, one of my closest childhood friends is an ESTP. I've know'em intimately my whole life.

    But instead of trying to explain what's up with him, I'll advise you take a critical look at your own writing (because that is where you'll find what in my opinion needs be addressed, not elsewhere.) And I wonder why I'm writing this, because I know with an ISFP it's not going to make any difference.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cthulhu And Coffee View Post
    I could really use some insight on this situation
    Here's the insight. Everything you wrote: is you! It's like the other person isn't even there. (Look closely, it's what's called: "living inside yourself". After a description where the presence of the other character is little more than coincidental, your last paragraphs are all about you.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Cthulhu And Coffee View Post
    And if there's something I did that I could have done much better for the future.
    What strikes me is this: A lot of my experience with ISFPs was based on deduction. They express themselves partially, they write partially, and I was left to understand the bigger picture of them pondering those fragments together with continually observing them. -Congratulations, because you wrote a mathematical synthesis, and that is quite a feat. Now, what am I interested in? Finding an ISFP, just like you, who writes this exact kind of synthesis but 5-10 years down the road. Because I wanna look into the future and see how they evolve.


     

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