[ESTP] my ESTP boyfriend is driving me nuts!! Should I just give up? Insight?

my ESTP boyfriend is driving me nuts!! Should I just give up? Insight?

Hello Guest! Sign up to join the discussion below...
Results 1 to 7 of 7
Thank Tree5Thanks
  • 3 Post By elvis2010
  • 1 Post By an_doer
  • 1 Post By WhatTheFudge

This is a discussion on my ESTP boyfriend is driving me nuts!! Should I just give up? Insight? within the ESTP Forum - The Doers forums, part of the SP's Temperament Forum- The Creators category; I just learned my boyfriend is an ESTP, and I'm basically looking for some insight. Here's the issue: My boyfriend ...

  1. #1
    Unknown Personality

    my ESTP boyfriend is driving me nuts!! Should I just give up? Insight?

    I just learned my boyfriend is an ESTP, and I'm basically looking for some insight. Here's the issue:

    My boyfriend and I never have deep discussions or talk about emotions. He just won't ask or even try to dig into the deeper details of my emotions or anything I demonstrate interest in. Particularly the intellectual how's and the why's behind emotions- and it's driving me nuts.

    As always, it's ME going into the details of HIS life. Asking for HIS opinion. Trying to keep conversation going about things he's interested in etc.

    For instance, he mentions he's playing video games. So I ask him what kind he's playing. If he likes it. What he likes about it the most. And I throw in my opinion throughout. Stir up the conversation a little. Attempt to identify and sympathize and have fun with it. Even if it's not always something I'm particularly interested in. I still do it because I love him and his excitement MAKES it interesting.

    But this is what his idea of quality conversation with me is, when it concerns him attempting to connect with me:

    Him- Hey babe, what's up?
    Me- Ugh, I'm just sad.
    Him- Oh.


    And then that'll be the end of the conversation. What?

    Or the other day- it was the opening night of my play. He kept giving me all these encouraging comments and pep talks. WHICH WOULD'VE BEEN AWESOME ...in the appropriate context. But the fact he didn't even ASK about my emotions beforehand- even so much as a "nervous, babe?"- basically ruined it. Because newsflash, I wasn't nervous. And there he is, not even a spec of curiosity about my feelings, as usual, assuming that I'm some ridiculous, emotional mess. So I'm afraid I might've come off as a little stand-offish. Because like here I am, as busy with everything going on in my life as I am, and I STILL manage to show more interest and curiosity in his feelings in a week then he's ever shown me in a month.

    So you may think "Oh hey girlie, well why don't you just talk about your honest feelings with him and resolve this?? This is obviously eating at you"

    GOOD LUCK

    Everytime I try to reach a solution with this, we get into an argument. It's even gotten to the point where I'm afraid to even bring up my emotions with him. Because either

    A- He won't ask for details, and I'll be disappointed at his lack of interest.

    or B- I'll finally mention that I feel like he's not interested, and instead of asking "why?" and trying to get to a solution, he'll argue with me and I'll get even more pissed off at him demonstrating, YET AGAIN, how unconcerned he is with the 'how's' or 'why's' emotions, and how proving himself right is way more important than how I feel. Ouch.

    So I'm just pissed off and hurt this keeps happening and there's nothing I can do about it. When I bring up something like that, I'm actively trying to actually solve a problem, not accuse him of being a terrible boyfriend! But he takes it all personally. It's like he's so unemotional until it comes to proving himself right, and then he becomes this big baby. I mean, okay, fine, I guess I could come off as accusatory? But I'm just trying to tell it how it is. Like I'm just very bluntly communicating "hey here's what's up with my emotions, maybe we should explore this so we can reach a solution", and it's like he replies with a big 'ol "FU" because the truth hurts. Or something. And I've tried again and again. Explained things. Explained my motives. Explained that I don't mean to be offensive. But he still argues and gets really mad and defensive with me, and then I'm more convinced than ever that "curiousity for what I/others think or what my/other's emotions are doing" aren't even ON his list of "things to care about". Like am I a girlfriend or a non-sentient safety blanket for him to say nice things to and then feel good about himself for being awesome and supportive???

    It's gotten to the point now where I just hold everything back and tell him absolutely nothing. Which is unhealthy, I know. But I don't know what else to do. Because what's the point? When I try to be open with him, he just finds a way to fight with me. I think he can tell I'm holding back stuff, but he still won't ask what's up. And unless he does- or unless I can find a way to discuss this, without anger, without getting into a fight, and feeling like both parties come away happier and with a better understanding- then we're gonna break up. Because why the fuck would anyone stay in a relationship where you can't even bluntly talk to your bf/gf about your feelings?

    Why does this keep happening? Is there a way to resolve this?? I don't even know anymore man. Insights and advice welcome



  2. #2
    ESTP - The Doers

    Just straight up tell him to consider your feelings. You gotta be blunt with him and call him out for it if it's bothering you. ESTPs don't typically delve into their feelings so we sometimes overlook other people's feelings. It's really not our area of expertise. I can relate, though. I've been seeing someone who is the same type as me, and I can see how others can find ESTPs to be outright undatable. He's been terrible at communication lately since we're doing long distance, and he only starts keeping the conversation interesting if he knows I'm coming home soon. He's obviously losing interest and that interest only returns when I'm home and fuckable. Because of his inability to keep in touch, I've been losing interest too and have been seeing an xNTP who's a lot more interested in my day-to-day life and actually comes out to see me. ESTPs are too much work, lol. But anyways, good luck with him. If he's still unable to to talk with you about the emotional stuff, maybe leave him because it sounds like it's an important aspect to you. An ESTP may not be your best fit.

  3. #3
    ESTP - The Doers

    Quote Originally Posted by WhatTheFudge View Post
    I just learned my boyfriend is an ESTP, and I'm basically looking for some insight. Here's the issue:

    Him- Hey babe, what's up?
    Me- Ugh, I'm just sad.
    Him- Oh.


    A- He won't ask for details, and I'll be disappointed at his lack of interest.

    or B- I'll finally mention that I feel like he's not interested, and instead of asking "why?" and trying to get to a solution, he'll argue with me and I'll get even more pissed off at him demonstrating.

    So I'm just pissed off and hurt this keeps happening and there's nothing I can do about it. When I bring up something like that, I'm actively trying to actually solve a problem, not accuse him of being a terrible boyfriend!

    It's gotten to the point now where I just hold everything back and tell him absolutely nothing. Which is unhealthy, I know. But I Because why the fuck would anyone stay in a relationship where you can't even bluntly talk to your bf/gf about your feelings?

    Why does this keep happening? Is there a way to resolve this?? I don't even know anymore man. Insights and advice welcome
    First off, let's have some fun. These are clips from the movie Here Comes the Boom,





    Why are they funny? Part of is MMA fighter Bas Rutten's talent, but could you imagine him, a guy who could break people's shins with a swift kick, singing "Feelings". OMG, I would so pay to watch that.

    The humor comes from the unexpected: the unfeeling male brute, a thinker, showing feelings. The opposite would be the empathetic silver haired grandmother doing MMA.

    And WTF, you are asking your ESTP BF to do the equivalent of singing, "Feelings". One of the key developmental traits ESTPs have to distinguish between is finding pleasure, which we do very easily, and finding what makes us happy. In my case, it took me years to identify what made me happy with my job. The curse of being an ESTP is I can tell you what makes you unhappy with your job in minutes but not mine. So it isn't that your BF doesn't want to share feelings, it is that he doesn't know what they are. Guilt, frustration, fear, envy often come out as anger.

    And then you are doing the Fi thing. You are sad, but chances are you blamed him for your feeling badly in the past. And so when you mention you are sad, he is thinking, "Oh shit, she is going to blame for being sad" and then he does what immature Ts do and invalidates your feelings trying to make you feel stupid, "I have done X,Y, and Z for you, and all you do is complain. You have no right to feel sad given all I have done for you."

    It's the way of the world: Fs make Ts into insensitive assholes, and Ts make Fs into clueless idiots.

    Thinkers want to be told they are right, and feelers want their feelings validated. As an experienced T, I can tell you when someone is sad, I say to them, "I am sorry you are sad". It works, but it was learned not natural. Honestly, when I say it, I think I come across as fake and forced.

    You have two choices then. Quit with the judging role you are playing with your BF. Expecting an ESTP to be good with feelings is like turning a great white shark into a vegan. Why the fuck would anyone stay with their BF when he can't discuss feelings? Because you are getting other things from him. Look for feeling validation from other people not your BF.

    The other option is to dump him and look for a guy with strong extraverted feeling. Chances are that is the function that is most important to you, but there are problems with those guys as well.
    Nymeria, emmamadden and WhatTheFudge thanked this post.

  4. Remove Advertisements
    PersonalityCafe.com
    Advertisements
     

  5. #4
    ESTP - The Doers

    Him- Hey babe, what's up?
    Me- Ugh, I'm just sad.
    Him- Oh.

    Remember, he don't know what FEELING IS..
    Sad is a feeling..
    Try something like this..

    Why do you THINK I am down?

    try that I guess.
    Zeus thanked this post.

  6. #5
    ENTJ

    Quote Originally Posted by an_doer View Post
    Him- Hey babe, what's up?
    Me- Ugh, I'm just sad.
    Him- Oh.

    Remember, he don't know what FEELING IS..
    Sad is a feeling..
    Try something like this..

    Why do you THINK I am down?

    try that I guess.
    agreed with this, also op you seem real ENFJ to me or high functioning emotionally. your probably equally agitating him, accept the fact that both of you process differently and just realize that your different people. doing so, will help you in regards to the relationships you have in life whether they are romantic or friends of yours. also to add, this isn't uncommon when you put someone whos high functioning emotionally, with some on who is high functoning logically.

  7. #6
    ISTP

    As an ESTP, I hate analyzing feelings and discussing them. Sometimes I do helps others due to my Fe, but not a lot. I favor logical thinking, and what makes sense to me, due to my Ti being higher. But as our Fe develops, we tend to be more polite and tolerant of others' needs, and if you're lucky enough, we might even take care of your feelings. But sadly I'm not at that stage yet. Try finding a better developed ESTP, and quiz 'em on issues.

  8. #7
    Unknown Personality

    Quote Originally Posted by elvis2010 View Post
    First off, let's have some fun. These are clips from the movie Here Comes the Boom---


    Why are they funny? Part of is MMA fighter Bas Rutten's talent, but could you imagine him, a guy who could break people's shins with a swift kick, singing "Feelings". OMG, I would so pay to watch that.

    The humor comes from the unexpected: the unfeeling male brute, a thinker, showing feelings. The opposite would be the empathetic silver haired grandmother doing MMA.

    And WTF, you are asking your ESTP BF to do the equivalent of singing, "Feelings". One of the key developmental traits ESTPs have to distinguish between is finding pleasure, which we do very easily, and finding what makes us happy. In my case, it took me years to identify what made me happy with my job. The curse of being an ESTP is I can tell you what makes you unhappy with your job in minutes but not mine. So it isn't that your BF doesn't want to share feelings, it is that he doesn't know what they are. Guilt, frustration, fear, envy often come out as anger.

    And then you are doing the Fi thing. You are sad, but chances are you blamed him for your feeling badly in the past. And so when you mention you are sad, he is thinking, "Oh shit, she is going to blame for being sad" and then he does what immature Ts do and invalidates your feelings trying to make you feel stupid, "I have done X,Y, and Z for you, and all you do is complain. You have no right to feel sad given all I have done for you."

    It's the way of the world: Fs make Ts into insensitive assholes, and Ts make Fs into clueless idiots.

    Thinkers want to be told they are right, and feelers want their feelings validated. As an experienced T, I can tell you when someone is sad, I say to them, "I am sorry you are sad". It works, but it was learned not natural. Honestly, when I say it, I think I come across as fake and forced.

    You have two choices then. Quit with the judging role you are playing with your BF. Expecting an ESTP to be good with feelings is like turning a great white shark into a vegan. Why the fuck would anyone stay with their BF when he can't discuss feelings? Because you are getting other things from him. Look for feeling validation from other people not your BF.

    The other option is to dump him and look for a guy with strong extraverted feeling. Chances are that is the function that is most important to you, but there are problems with those guys as well.
    I haven't replied for a few days because I wasn't really sure where to start, but WOW! Thank you so much. This really helped put everything into perspective- I legit had no idea how much pressure I was putting on him. :( Since reading this I've really made efforts to keep really heavy emotional stuff off him, and more effort into explaining the rationale behind my emotions from the get-go if I am gonna bring it up. [like instead of "I'm sad", I go "aw dude I just watched this super sad movie and whY DID I JUST AGREE TO THIS OH GOD"] The result has been flippin' tremendous :) Especially the more light-hearted I keep it- it helps keep both of us in a good mood.

    I think your example with the "wtf you're literally asking your boyfriend to sing the equivilant of feelings" was really what got to me though, lol. I mean, if I think about it that way, what I've been asking of him is practically the same as him expecting me to be able to talk about all the technical ins and outs of how a car works. I don't know that! So it's really been helping me be more sympathetic- so thank you. :P
    elvis2010 thanked this post.


     

Similar Threads

  1. [ISTP] This ISTP is driving me nuts! I'd love some advice from the rest of you :)
    By Starburst in forum ISTP Forum - The Mechanics
    Replies: 69
    Last Post: 06-19-2015, 02:21 PM
  2. [ISFP] ISFP Driving me nuts
    By INeedToJest in forum ISFP Forum - The Artists
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 03-07-2014, 02:55 AM
  3. [ISFJ] My boss is an ISFJ and he's driving me nuts!
    By KateMarie999 in forum ISFJ Forum - The Nurturers
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 10-13-2013, 10:09 AM
  4. [ENTP] This Fe is driving me nuts
    By The Trollmaster in forum ENTP Forum- The Visionaries
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 04-10-2013, 08:05 PM
  5. [ESTP] HELP ME with this confusing ESTP man! He's driving this ENFP nuts!
    By LeahENFP in forum ESTP Forum - The Doers
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 11-09-2010, 10:41 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:42 PM.
Information provided on the site is meant to complement and not replace any advice or information from a health professional.
© 2014 PersonalityCafe
 

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0