I just learned my boyfriend is an ESTP, and I'm basically looking for some insight. Here's the issue:
My boyfriend and I never have deep discussions or talk about emotions. He just won't ask or even try to dig into the deeper details of my emotions or anything I demonstrate interest in. Particularly the intellectual how's and the why's behind emotions- and it's driving me nuts.
As always, it's ME going into the details of HIS life. Asking for HIS opinion. Trying to keep conversation going about things he's interested in etc.
For instance, he mentions he's playing video games. So I ask him what kind he's playing. If he likes it. What he likes about it the most. And I throw in my opinion throughout. Stir up the conversation a little. Attempt to identify and sympathize and have fun with it. Even if it's not always something I'm particularly interested in. I still do it because I love him and his excitement MAKES it interesting.
But this is what his idea of quality conversation with me is, when it concerns him attempting to connect with me:
Him- Hey babe, what's up?
Me- Ugh, I'm just sad.
And then that'll be the end of the conversation. What?
Or the other day- it was the opening night of my play. He kept giving me all these encouraging comments and pep talks. WHICH WOULD'VE BEEN AWESOME ...in the appropriate context. But the fact he didn't even ASK about my emotions beforehand- even so much as a "nervous, babe?"- basically ruined it. Because newsflash, I wasn't nervous. And there he is, not even a spec of curiosity about my feelings, as usual, assuming that I'm some ridiculous, emotional mess. So I'm afraid I might've come off as a little stand-offish. Because like here I am, as busy with everything going on in my life as I am, and I STILL manage to show more interest and curiosity in his feelings in a week then he's ever shown me in a month.
So you may think "Oh hey girlie, well why don't you just talk about your honest feelings with him and resolve this?? This is obviously eating at you"
Everytime I try to reach a solution with this, we get into an argument. It's even gotten to the point where I'm afraid to even bring up my emotions with him. Because either
A- He won't ask for details, and I'll be disappointed at his lack of interest.
or B- I'll finally mention that I feel like he's not interested, and instead of asking "why?" and trying to get to a solution, he'll argue with me and I'll get even more pissed off at him demonstrating, YET AGAIN, how unconcerned he is with the 'how's' or 'why's' emotions, and how proving himself right is way more important than how I feel. Ouch.
So I'm just pissed off and hurt this keeps happening and there's nothing I can do about it. When I bring up something like that, I'm actively trying to actually solve a problem, not accuse him of being a terrible boyfriend! But he takes it all personally. It's like he's so unemotional until it comes to proving himself right, and then he becomes this big baby. I mean, okay, fine, I guess I could come off as accusatory? But I'm just trying to tell it how it is. Like I'm just very bluntly communicating "hey here's what's up with my emotions, maybe we should explore this so we can reach a solution", and it's like he replies with a big 'ol "FU" because the truth hurts. Or something. And I've tried again and again. Explained things. Explained my motives. Explained that I don't mean to be offensive. But he still argues and gets really mad and defensive with me, and then I'm more convinced than ever that "curiousity for what I/others think or what my/other's emotions are doing" aren't even ON his list of "things to care about". Like am I a girlfriend or a non-sentient safety blanket for him to say nice things to and then feel good about himself for being awesome and supportive???
It's gotten to the point now where I just hold everything back and tell him absolutely nothing. Which is unhealthy, I know. But I don't know what else to do. Because what's the point? When I try to be open with him, he just finds a way to fight with me. I think he can tell I'm holding back stuff, but he still won't ask what's up. And unless he does- or unless I can find a way to discuss this, without anger, without getting into a fight, and feeling like both parties come away happier and with a better understanding- then we're gonna break up. Because why the fuck would anyone stay in a relationship where you can't even bluntly talk to your bf/gf about your feelings?
Why does this keep happening? Is there a way to resolve this?? I don't even know anymore man. Insights and advice welcome