How to defeat jealousy

How to defeat jealousy

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This is a discussion on How to defeat jealousy within the General Psychology forums, part of the Topics of Interest category; I'm a very jealous person. I'm jealous of people's looks and achievements (can't even be happy for them most of ...

  1. #1

    How to defeat jealousy

    I'm a very jealous person.
    I'm jealous of people's looks and achievements (can't even be happy for them most of the time).
    Mostly I feel like I'm lover/friend-jealous though (a friend hangs out with another person or a person I like gives someone a heartfelt compliment and I'm instantly hurt).

    I'm pretty sure there is some kind of inferiority complex and fear of abandonment behind it.
    I find jealousy to be a very painful emotion and I would love to not feel it (or at least not so often and so "extreme").

    So now i wondered...
    Why are some people more jealous than others?
    and are there some "methods" to "reduce" jealousy?
    or is this just a stfu Kommandant get your shit together thing?


    Any kind of advice would help.
    Penny, contradictionary, Introvertia and 2 others thanked this post.



  2. #2

    Look at it another way. What makes you happier, being a jealous/envious person or not feeling jealousy/envy?

  3. #3

    Quote Originally Posted by Kommandant View Post
    I'm a very jealous person.
    I'm jealous of people's looks and achievements (can't even be happy for them most of the time).
    Mostly I feel like I'm lover/friend-jealous though (a friend hangs out with another person or a person I like gives someone a heartfelt compliment and I'm instantly hurt).

    I'm pretty sure there is some kind of inferiority complex and fear of abandonment behind it.
    I find jealousy to be a very painful emotion and I would love to not feel it (or at least not so often and so "extreme").

    So now i wondered...
    Why are some people more jealous than others?
    and are there some "methods" to "reduce" jealousy?
    or is this just a stfu Kommandant get your shit together thing?


    Any kind of advice would help.
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins well, jealousy is related to envy, one of the seven deadly sins, and the corresponding virtue to develop in order to combat it is gratitude. so when you feel jealous or envious, try to think of what you are thankful for- about yourself when you are comparing yourself, and about them contributing to your life somehow? i try to find the good in everybody. i really do try. so maybe they make you feel inadequate somehow.. it's not their fault, they are just being them. you'd probably do best to just be you too. i used to get really jealous of my ex, but after being in a healthier relationship, i've come to realize it was based on fear and feelings of insecurity or inadequecy and also caused by the ex's behavior directly. if you can teach yourself to let go of the fear that you don't measure up.. this is where positive self-esteem comes in and acceptance i think.

    eta- an easy self-esteem exercise - list five things you like about yourself
    Last edited by Penny; 01-17-2019 at 11:39 PM.

  4. #4

    Well, first of all OP - good on you for realising this and being honest with yourself about it, that takes some self-reflection and courage and is to be applauded.

    I went through a jealous phase in my adolescence that took a few years to shake off - ultimately, the consequences were what delivered the lesson.

    Jealousy serves a purpose so it's not universally a bad thing and sometimes you may even encounter people who will 'test' you to see how you really feel about them by trying to provoke jealousy in you.

    The first thing to note is that whatever you feel jealous about is something important to you and it's good to be aware of that but thats where the utility of jealousy often ends and the problems begin. Those problems large revolve around the fact that rarely, if ever, has jealous behaviour solved the issue that provoked the jealousy. Jealous behaviour is off-putting to others and often exacerbates rather than reduces the distance between yourself and the person or object of your focus.

    Like love, Jealousy is also blind - inwardly blind as well as outwardly. It can cause you to fixate on scenarios that will never come to pass, even under more favourable terms - not only making life difficult for people feeling the brunt of your jealousy but also stopping you from healing and moving on to better things and happier times. It takes an unhealthy toll on everybody it effects and it doesn't make anything better - it's merely a message to you about what you value, it doesn't make what you value more right or attainable and it can become a paralysing fixation which reduces your opportunity and quality of life while making the situation of others seem increasingly superior - it's definitely beneficial to recognise and remember that and trys to shake it off early. Whatever will be, will be after all.

    With romantic jealousy in particular, I often liked to remember a scene from te TV show 'Peep Show' where one character is asking his friend's help in order to be able to be around his ex-girlfriend at her place of work in the hope of rekindling a relationshsip she's clearly moved on from which ends with lines along the tone of;

    'Faint heart never won fair maid.'

    'Ah yes, the opening line of the stalker's manifesto.'

    Hope this helps.
    Kommandant thanked this post.

  5. #5

    There's a form of counselling called acceptance and commitment therapy. There's a book that I seemingly can't force myself to sit down and read but it has been recommended to me and it's called The Happiness Trap, which talks about ACT therapy and techniques you can use to accept certain feelings and thoughts and deal with things like that better. You can find it on PDF.

    I don't think anyone trying to give you tidbits of wisdom and their perspective is truly going to help your deep seated feelings of jealousy which may stem from things like insecurity. Therapy and therapy techniques I have slightly more confidence in, but maybe it's because I'm really hoping they'll work. ACT is empirically based psychological intervention, if that gives it a lil more credibility (although, I'll admit I've only focused on it's positives so I don't know about negatives). There are worksheets and exercises you can do frequently, which might help. You can google them, too.
    Introvertia thanked this post.

  6. #6

    I might be wrong (wow) but in my eyes jealousy is associated with low self-esteem. Therefore general personal training is not a bad idea. When it comes to love jealousy, sometimes it just needs time.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by Kommandant View Post
    .
    So now i wondered...
    Why are some people more jealous than others?
    and are there some "methods" to "reduce" jealousy?
    or is this just a stfu Kommandant get your shit together thing?


    Any kind of advice would help.
    +1 with benjimac above. Realizing and acknowledging weakness(es) is the most painful thing to do but it is the first mandatory step into progress. You are doing good there, strong courage, el commandante.

    Left alone i can say you will eventually find out the best method yourself. I have nothing good to offer but i may suggest use that courageous exploration willingness to also pinpoint your strength(s), asset(s), resource(s) and friend(s). Treat then like your most precious and grow from there. It will taketime, so patience and perseverence will be crucial.

    Sent sans PC
    Kommandant thanked this post.

  8. #8

    Jealousy can be extremely destructive and it's the only emotion I fear in relationship. I associate it with the fear of abandonment, which I recognize in myself. The feelings of inferiority. I assure myself there's nothing I can do to change the behavior of another individual, if they're going to cheat on me, then that's how it's going to be. Nothing I can do except accept it and grow wiser (and more paranoid).
    Gossip Goat and islandlight thanked this post.

  9. #9

    Realize that it's a biological mechanism evolved to help you compare yourself to others in the social hierarchy. You wouldn't be so jealous if you were on a similar level as them.

    In other words, it's just a feeling/emotion. It's biology. Overcome it.

  10. #10

    Your jealousy of others can be used as a motivation for you to achieve goals for yourself. If you are envious of their achievements, then work towards achieving those same successes in your life. Whether at school, work, etc...

    Being jealous of someone's looks is a little different. I mean you can always change your diet, & exercise to reach a certain target. However our face, height, frame, we can't really change. In those cases we have to accept, & learn to appreciate what you do have genetically.

    As far as being jealous of the attention given to others, remember that does not take away from your value as a person, or as their friend, or partner. The fact that they compliment another, doesn't mean they feel less about you. When I was young, I used to get jealous when my friends did something without me. But I realized, hey I do the same, we aren't joined at the hip. We have different schedules, different interests, & that's ok. I enjoy their companionship when I have it, but I don't need to be with them 24/7. I enjoy my alone time too. I'm sure as an INTP, you can appreciate that also.

    With an SO you especially need to exercise control with jealousy, because that can ruin a relationship quickly. Build trust in the person, & allow yourself to let go of any tendency to control or monitor them. Unless there's a real reason for suspicion, you should focus on being grateful & thankful for the positive qualities in yourself, & your SO.

    My 2 cents in overcoming it.
    islandlight thanked this post.


     
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