I do have to say that, despite its tumult, I preferred my childhood and youth to my current situation. However, it's not a question that's possible to explain in detail without being reflective and pretty verbose. Part of me thinks that if my early(earlier) adulthood went a little better, I might feel differently; however another part of me feels that this was always going to happen to a person of my disposition in one way or another.
I'll try (and probably fail) to be succinct, though this may make things somewhat vague. There are a great many unpalatable truths in the world, and I far preferred both ignorance and the experience of learning them rather than the struggle of acknowledging and learning to live with their reality. Despite my inherent compulsion to chafe at restrictions, part of me actually enjoyed the structure of life in childhood, because there were clear boundaries, expectations and goals - and it was always a thrill to exceed them. I'm always all about 'freedom' and 'staying true to myself' but I have historically been very poor at utilising true freedom whenever I attain it, due to a chronic lack of self-discipline and long-term direction.
I had less emotional baggage, so I was less defensive around people, and had yet to conceive of a social persona. I was still socially anxious and sensitive, but with fewer issues, found it easier to make friends and had lower standards for them. Still yet relatively unsullied by the burden of knowledge, and facilitated by natural neuroplasticity, my imagination was far and away more active than it currently is - though it may be somewhat misleading to think of this solely in terms of youthfulness, as it was the case until fairly recently.
I think the problem is that my spirit just feels tired. Compared to my earlier years, I have all this knowledge and competence and capability, but no real clue as to how I'm supposed to apply it in a meaningful way - and ultimately lacking the motivation and drive to discover what that means to me right now. I also hate feeling so powerless - tired of putting up with other people's crap, but not even able to sort out my own.
I keep the hamster wheel spinning on a day-to-day basis, and do what I can to help those closest to me simply because it wouldn't feel right to do otherwise. But it seems as though a lot of what I used to believe in turned out to be illusions anyway... so it constantly feels like I'm "supposed" to be doing something more, but I'm afraid of making the effort and don't even know if that would be enough anymore? I still feel responsible in a way - like now I'm on the other side of the fence, I owe it to myself to act on all the feelings I had to keep to myself growing up. But having seen glimpses of the world and its history, just what can I do, as one person? What do I want to do?
I don't think I even wanted to grow up when I was a child myself. I liked myself as I was (and, I suppose when all's said and done, I still do). All I wanted was to be loved and taken seriously, and that's something else entirely.
Edit: Probably a bad idea to make a post when I'm in a negative frame of mind, though that doesn't make the above any less true. I suppose it simply boils down to the fact that I'm dragging pain around with me that I really wish I'd found a way to let go of, and also a conflict between ideals and reality. As a child it was easier, in a way, because I was kind of just a living embodiment of possibilities. I could just live out my dreams and fantasies, discover myself and the world, and enjoy daily living without a burdened conscience. Whereas now, I have the ability to pursue whatever it is I want to, but as I'm sure many NP's can relate to, it's much easier to conceptualise something than it is to bring an idea to fruition - and something is very nearly always 'lost in translation'. Plus, there's the whole "there are countless different ways of living and none of them are any more or less valid than yours" deal. I liked it when things were more binary. All this shades of grey crap is pretty taxing on the ol' eyesight.