I'm fairly new to the enneagram (long time Myers-Briggs geek though). I've been trying to figure out my enneagram type, but nothing really seems to fully fit. I'm an INFJ and self-preservation type for sure, those clicked right away but this enneagram stuff is harder somehow. Maybe I am still in denial of some of my core issues and pain idk.
I relate heavily to the description of the self-preservation 2, but not as much to the two in general. I'm an empath and care very deeply about people, but feel that I'm not as warm/self-sacrificing as some of the 2s whose description I've read. I think I'm too selfish to be a 2.
I've done several tests and keep getting either 6w5 or 4w5 and I relate to both somewhat. I think the w5 part is correct since I do feel that I'm a very "thinker" feeler type and value logical and critical thinking very much in my personal life. I relate to the self-absorption, creativity, self-awareness, reservation and moodiness of 4s, but I relate to the 6s need for security, loyalty, rebellious side and constant anxiety.
My core triggers include being ignored, being abandoned, being unwanted, not being understood, shame around so many things (appearance (feeling ugly/gross always), academic achievements, not doing enough with my life and being a failure and generally unworthy of love). In conclusion I've realized I kind of hate everything about myself and need to improve all areas of life before I'm worthy of anyone truly caring about me. Depressing and fucked up I know, but I'm working on it.
Also I'm constantly worried about the future and anxious in every new situation, I like to know what's gonna happen and plan things ahead.
So... I wanna try and fix some of these things and think the enneagram could be really useful, would anyone here be able to point me to the right direction? Thanks so much :) !