[Enneagram Type 4] My 4 Wife is depressed and I don't know what to do

My 4 Wife is depressed and I don't know what to do

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This is a discussion on My 4 Wife is depressed and I don't know what to do within the Heart Triad - Types 2,3,4 forums, part of the Enneagram Personality Theory Forum category; This is my first post here. I'm a Nine and my wife is a four. I work outside the home ...

  1. #1

    My 4 Wife is depressed and I don't know what to do

    This is my first post here. I'm a Nine and my wife is a four. I work outside the home 8-5 and she is a stay at home mom. One of our kids is in preschool for 3 hours in the morning and the rest are in public school. We've both done work in the past to become healthy versions of ourselves, but have come back to reality (so to speak) in recent months. My wife will go through cycles of depression, and to me (my truth) she expects me to fix it and I don't know what to do. I find it very hard to keep up with what she wants; it's a moving target. Her emotions are also a moving target as I don't know which version of her I'm going to get: happy, depressed, indifferent, independent, lonely, angry... I can usually hang on until happy wife comes back but I'm getting so tired of the ride. I love my wife and I hate that she is suffering. I don't want to do life without her by my side. But I need help in figuring out what to do. (We've talked about her getting on depression medication, but she would prefer to stay away from drugs. I don't know how much longer that will be a option, though)

    She feels alienated and lonely when she goes for a couple of days without seeing friends/social contact. She has been stating that she doesn't have a hobby/activity she gets to do, it's always everyone else's activities that take priority. She has a gym membership and she used to go with her mom some evenings. I've encouraged her to go during the morning as preschool is just ten minutes away. She responds that she has no one to go with and even the class that is offered when she can go, has no one in it. She is very social and I am not, so I don't know what to recommend that can give her the social contact she needs and fits into what she sees as her only free time.

    Since my work hours are what they are and the kids go to bed at 7:30-8:00 the only time my wife and I have together is in the evenings when the only energy we have left is "leftovers" from the day. And the weekends are usually set aside for family time because when I get home, I am in the mode of "get the kids food, bath, bed, and clean up the house." Leftovers are not what she wants, and I understand that, so we are going to try to take at least one morning a week for her and me. Which is a start, but I need to be able to help more. She can't tell me what she needs, because I don't think she knows and she doesn't just want her words simply fed back to her.

    All that to say, I'm looking for other social fours that have figured this out. What hobbies/activities do you do during your free time when you need social contact? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
    prsvrnc thanked this post.

  2. #2

    Some studies are saying now that depression can be caused by inflammation in the body(many diseases caused by this). CBD Oil known to keep inflammation down. I have suffered from depression and I use the oil it’s miracle stuff for me. I also write and exercise

  3. #3

    Creativity is also crucial to a Four’s well-being. Does she have any interest that allows her to create something? This is hugely important to a Four’s sense of purpose. (I highly recommend the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.)
    What I’m hearing is that she feels isolated and is longing for deep connection. (Do you both know her Myers Briggs type?) The gym may be one way to meet people, but there are many other places as well. Joining a community sports league, book clubs, or any other number of community/hobby groups or even church can make a huge difference.
    One disclaimer: depression in some cases may be caused by childhood trauma. It is less likely, but still possible.
    Either way, counseling is a good place to start.
    As a Four, I can say that our depression is usually caused by a lack of purpose or lack of connection. Perhaps start there to combat it.
    And as always, I recommend counseling, either separately or together.
    Lastly, you seem like caring, loving husband, and I know it would mean so much to your wife that you reached out to solve this.
    ImaNine, ukulele and moonmilk thanked this post.

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  5. #4

    Thank you for the replies. She has picked up writing again. This is giving her something to look forward to everyday as well as an outlet that is her's alone. It is helping a lot. She is also talking to her doctor about antidepressants, her choice but one that I fully support.

  6. #5
    Type 4

    @ImaNine - I was about to comment on this and then realized how old it was. How is your wife doing now?

  7. #6

    She is doing better. Thanks for asking. She has her ups and downs, but her downs are not as deep or last as long. She was put on a low dose of medication as well as becoming more active. It's a combination of things, but she is doing better.
    prsvrnc thanked this post.


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