I've been through the worst dark moments of my life in the last couple of years that resulted in pitch black depression, which I'm still recovering from. At the heart of it, it has been all about people. People who were supposed to be my family, people who were supposed to be my friends - I've had to cut several relationships out because of overt toxicity and betrayal. I'm on the way to a divorce from a marriage that was filled with lies, manipulations, secrets, and withdrawal bolstered by people's statements that my husband's behavior was caused by my attitude/ behavior, that he had no obligation to fix the marriage because as a woman it's my job to fix it, that there were people on his side of the family who never wanted me to marry him, that some of them had to be dragged reluctantly to our wedding, at least one finally admitted to hating me, a couple had hinted previously that he should divorce me, and now that I'm the one initiating divorce, I'm guilty of breaking vows and abandoning him. He was supposed to get help for mental illness which he resisted my promptings to for years and it's been low-key suggested that I'm only leaving him because of his mental illness. People have literally said his behavior is not, cannot be his fault because he has depression, that I needed to work on me and fix the mess I made, and that there was no excuse for my behavior (of being hurt and demanding responsibility from him), and that I probably have depression. (By the way, the details of that entire last sentence came out of one mouth during one conversation.) When asked for what exactly it us that I did to deserve this treatment, nobody could probide any concrete answers, they would redirect the conversation, etc. (Someone actually did try, and pointed out that every time they saw us together, my husband was always doing and getting things for me, so I was obviously lazy and treating him like a slave. What that person did NOT address were my Fibromyalgia pains, stress fracture pains in my feet, chronic fatigue, or my frequent insistance that I could usually do those things for myself. My husband admitted that he actually behaved that way around his family deliberately to elicit sympathy and to look like a great husband.)
Before I go any further, I really want to stress that my husband was NOT being some kind of narcissistic monster, nor endlessly bossing me around, etc. His family actually has a strong streak of the same mental illnesses combined with suppressing negative emotions and resistance to seeking help, as well as fractured/ broken family dynamics. A lot of what he was doing was simply echoing what he had learned or was inflicted on him. At this point he is legitimately seeking help, proactively reversing/ changing his behavior, and opening up little by little and pushing his comfort zone wider, including being honest about our relationship, and it's been hard for him, having been diagnosed with so many things, and having to, as he put it, "relearn how to be a human". And I'm very proud of him for that. So please understand that this isn't about him nor in any way am I trying to bash him, just setting the stage for what's going on.
So, after stopping all communication (or as much as possible) with the overtly toxic people, I'm left with a smaller circle that is primarily composed of people who are either indifferent or silent. Every once in a while someone checks up on me but it's rare, and at this point I now only hear from them if I post something about how empty and disappointed I feel. People show up to defend themselves and inform me that they're always willing to talk, but when I try, I can't get anything meaningful from them. All of my relationships have turned completely superficial now. One person has been posting a lot of things similar to my language - I recognized it - and was frustrated over how nobody was reaching out to her, checking on her, people were leaving her, etc. I sent a message to her asking what's going on and got a reply along the lines of "stuff's been happening". And another friend who - let's face it, he was put through a shitload of hell - and he's silent toward me now in ways he never used to be.
So... I'm left with no one. Just a void in all directions. Either people hate me, or they don't care, or they're busy, or they don't have energy any more than I do. And by god, most days I don't just have no energy, but I low-key threaten my own life on occasion trying to put in energy I don't actually have just to get up and (barely) work. I'm almost completely non-functional a lot of times.
I'm the kind of person who tries to identify a problem, address its roots, and set up a system to solve the problem. I can't go to a therapist because my husband already can't afford his and has been missing appointments and running out of medication a couple times. People are quick to say "just find new friends" as if years and decades of effort didn't go into the ones I've had, or that any random stranger in a crowd will do. But at this point, I don't even believe I CAN make new friends. Not only because the time and effort will be gruelling, but for the first time in my life, I can't trust anybody. At all. It's gone.
And I don't know what to do about it. I want to solve this, but I'm lost. I'm alone and I'm lost and I'm confused. I want my people back. I want my connections.
And I posted this in the Heart Triad forum because I thought I had an enneagram question in here somewhere, something about being a 2 and junk like that, but I guess I lost that too. 😕