What do you do about being disconnected?

What do you do about being disconnected?

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  • 1 Post By ENFPurpleKitti

This is a discussion on What do you do about being disconnected? within the Heart Triad - Types 2,3,4 forums, part of the Enneagram Personality Theory Forum category; I've been through the worst dark moments of my life in the last couple of years that resulted in pitch ...

  1. #1
    Type 2w1

    What do you do about being disconnected?

    I've been through the worst dark moments of my life in the last couple of years that resulted in pitch black depression, which I'm still recovering from. At the heart of it, it has been all about people. People who were supposed to be my family, people who were supposed to be my friends - I've had to cut several relationships out because of overt toxicity and betrayal. I'm on the way to a divorce from a marriage that was filled with lies, manipulations, secrets, and withdrawal bolstered by people's statements that my husband's behavior was caused by my attitude/ behavior, that he had no obligation to fix the marriage because as a woman it's my job to fix it, that there were people on his side of the family who never wanted me to marry him, that some of them had to be dragged reluctantly to our wedding, at least one finally admitted to hating me, a couple had hinted previously that he should divorce me, and now that I'm the one initiating divorce, I'm guilty of breaking vows and abandoning him. He was supposed to get help for mental illness which he resisted my promptings to for years and it's been low-key suggested that I'm only leaving him because of his mental illness. People have literally said his behavior is not, cannot be his fault because he has depression, that I needed to work on me and fix the mess I made, and that there was no excuse for my behavior (of being hurt and demanding responsibility from him), and that I probably have depression. (By the way, the details of that entire last sentence came out of one mouth during one conversation.) When asked for what exactly it us that I did to deserve this treatment, nobody could probide any concrete answers, they would redirect the conversation, etc. (Someone actually did try, and pointed out that every time they saw us together, my husband was always doing and getting things for me, so I was obviously lazy and treating him like a slave. What that person did NOT address were my Fibromyalgia pains, stress fracture pains in my feet, chronic fatigue, or my frequent insistance that I could usually do those things for myself. My husband admitted that he actually behaved that way around his family deliberately to elicit sympathy and to look like a great husband.)

    Before I go any further, I really want to stress that my husband was NOT being some kind of narcissistic monster, nor endlessly bossing me around, etc. His family actually has a strong streak of the same mental illnesses combined with suppressing negative emotions and resistance to seeking help, as well as fractured/ broken family dynamics. A lot of what he was doing was simply echoing what he had learned or was inflicted on him. At this point he is legitimately seeking help, proactively reversing/ changing his behavior, and opening up little by little and pushing his comfort zone wider, including being honest about our relationship, and it's been hard for him, having been diagnosed with so many things, and having to, as he put it, "relearn how to be a human". And I'm very proud of him for that. So please understand that this isn't about him nor in any way am I trying to bash him, just setting the stage for what's going on.

    So, after stopping all communication (or as much as possible) with the overtly toxic people, I'm left with a smaller circle that is primarily composed of people who are either indifferent or silent. Every once in a while someone checks up on me but it's rare, and at this point I now only hear from them if I post something about how empty and disappointed I feel. People show up to defend themselves and inform me that they're always willing to talk, but when I try, I can't get anything meaningful from them. All of my relationships have turned completely superficial now. One person has been posting a lot of things similar to my language - I recognized it - and was frustrated over how nobody was reaching out to her, checking on her, people were leaving her, etc. I sent a message to her asking what's going on and got a reply along the lines of "stuff's been happening". And another friend who - let's face it, he was put through a shitload of hell - and he's silent toward me now in ways he never used to be.

    So... I'm left with no one. Just a void in all directions. Either people hate me, or they don't care, or they're busy, or they don't have energy any more than I do. And by god, most days I don't just have no energy, but I low-key threaten my own life on occasion trying to put in energy I don't actually have just to get up and (barely) work. I'm almost completely non-functional a lot of times.

    I'm the kind of person who tries to identify a problem, address its roots, and set up a system to solve the problem. I can't go to a therapist because my husband already can't afford his and has been missing appointments and running out of medication a couple times. People are quick to say "just find new friends" as if years and decades of effort didn't go into the ones I've had, or that any random stranger in a crowd will do. But at this point, I don't even believe I CAN make new friends. Not only because the time and effort will be gruelling, but for the first time in my life, I can't trust anybody. At all. It's gone.

    And I don't know what to do about it. I want to solve this, but I'm lost. I'm alone and I'm lost and I'm confused. I want my people back. I want my connections.

    And I posted this in the Heart Triad forum because I thought I had an enneagram question in here somewhere, something about being a 2 and junk like that, but I guess I lost that too. 😕
    The Edwardian Spirit thanked this post.



  2. #2
    Type 1w2


    Can't really weigh in on the details of your personal situation - however, reading through, I do believe there are some general key aspects of 2, if that is your type, that could help you through the depression and disconnect. In particular, I suspect it may be helpful to dig further into the theme of neediness in 2's.

    Neediness crops up in 2's a whole lot. Paradoxically, while 2's are in fact very needy, they also deeply fear the possibility of being needy, so they repress and deny it. It's really tough for them to admit it, let alone see just how many ways the neediness renders.

    Many of the type descriptions allude to the neediness of 2, but don't go into much detail as to why 2's are needy, or why it's important for them to recognize this fact, or the many flavors and contexts in which 2-ish neediness surfaces. Most of the descriptions describe 2-ish neediness in the context of relations, and this is a fair thing to bring forward. However, 2's also express neediness in feeling a need to "do something" about their situation. It is typical for 2's to suffer from addictions, and satisfying impulse desires - I need this or that, so I'm going to obtain it or make it happen so I can fill the void inside. It can seem almost impossible for them to "not do" something to replenish a void they feel. And yet, they never truly feel replenished or filled by what they bring in, which then further reinforces the neediness.

    What we learn at Type 2, is that this neediness, and drive to fill the void through acquisitions, influence, power, relationships, approval, validation, special friendships, intimacy, and receiving flattery and praise from others is all linked together. It's all linked together by the assumption 2's make that things aren't going to happen, and their needs aren't going to be met unless they act and make it happen.

    One thing I find working with 2's (and occasionally myself) as that it's hard for them to not forget that it's on them - their responsibility - to take care of themselves, and not only listen to their own self needs, but respect and value their own standpoint. It is not on their environment, or people they have a relationship with to care for them, nor are the things they manipulate people or circumstances to obtain ever going to make them feel truly fulfilled. If a 2 is limited in what they can realistically do in a given situation, they need to listen to their own heart telling them they can't do it - and not over-extend, or try to "make things work." This gets them to focus on and address their realistic needs, rather than the ones they hope (in vain) others will fulfill.

    I'm not sure if any of this fits in the context of your situation, or is just a big long ramble on 2's :P But these are some key things I've noticed over and over again with this type. I did notice some potential parallels with the emptiness/inauthenticity you feel with relations.

  3. #3
    Type 2w1

    Hmm... those are some interesting points. I think I understand. And yeah, I guess I am prone to trying really hard to DO and accomplish things even at my own expense sometimes.

    I think this is at least helpful to know about. Thanks.

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  5. #4

    This is why deep down I not only dislike most people but even loathe them because far too many people are like that, good people like yourself deserves better but sadly this world is a shit hole. There is very little that I want more than to be done with it never coming back. I hope that you find someone who is not only decent but a good match and one who doesn't have shit tons of baggage. One tip that I've learned when considering someone is to take a look at their family to see if it is a mess or not and usually without fail that if the family is a cluster fuck you are best to move on.

  6. #5
    Type 2w1

    Yeah, firstly I never met or even heard of the ones with thise disorders until VERY recently, only one (two?) with fairly well cared for anxiety (whom I still remain on good speaking terms with). One person with a particular disorder has been empathetic and caring...

    ...and now that I say that I realize that, as far as I recall, the ones with the disorders were least problematic, or I never heard of/ met them. Aside from general depression which was only recently diagnosed (with one exception) in that family. As for their behavior, they treated me warmly when we first met, albeit a couple were just a bit standoffish. It's not like this was a family with constant drama or anything like that. I knew my husband 7 years (dated 5) before getting married, and "problems" didn't surface until right as we got married, and some of them detected a change in him that they directly accused me of bossing him around. As the youngest of 4 siblings and abused by multiple father figures, he was used to people just telling him what to do and of trying to please them by "liking" the same things that interested them - TV, games, hobbies, etc., and he felt a need to compete for attention to feel worthy. He couldn't get high grades like one brother, wasn't as good at drawing as another, etc. so he went to pretending a lot. None of this was revealed or hinted at before we married, by anyone. He pretended to be a Christian to be with me, and as he comes from a family with some Christian influence, he kind of knew how to behave around me. But I took what he sensed to be a more "genuine" view than he grew up with, and I often provided startling insight into things he had taken at face value previously, rather than exploring in-depth. Apparently I was a bit like his grandparents whom he respected deeply, and were noth Christians. At some point he told me what had been going on and asked me how to genuinely receive salvation. After this, he became more assertive in tending his own needs, felt freer to disagree on opinions, etc. I was kind of irritated at constantly having to remind him to make his own decisions and not rely on me to make them for him, and that stemmed from his habits at home which I figured went back to being the youngest. This makes their accusations of me being bossy ironic. He finally said things like, "Hey, I actually don't like this show and never did, so I'd rather not watch it with you," to which a common response was, "Is that you talking, or is that Kitti talking?" He could never convince them otherwise. There were behaviors he quit or attempted to quit because he deemed them harmful, but never tried to push it on them, but his very refusal to participate offended them, and they redirected his opinion as above, "Is that you talking, or is that Kitti talking?" (Actually one of his brothers got sick of hearing that line and exploded on the person who used it the most and told him to shut up already, which I admit I didn't expect to happen.) Most of the time it was only a matter of opinions, but they got defensive a lot, as though I sent him as my personal Soldier of Virtue to exact justice on them.

    But I'm thinking about it, and there's a lot of denial going on. Most of them either don't believe he has the disorders he was diagnosed with, or deem them inconsequential. One even denied one of the diagnoses based *literally* on information from a single YouTube video.

    Another problem was how he still went back to pretending and acting differently around them than he did at home, and there were even times he would drop plans/ promises with me to go help them with something, even if they told him they were low-priority needs and he didn't have to show up. One such time was when he was visiting me and left to drive to where one of his brothers worked (no licence, only a permit) to buy lunch for him - it began raining, he hydroplaned, flipped his SUV, bashed his head, was not examined for head trauma, and... you can probably see where this leads into other hidden problems here, I'm sure.

    I'm sorry for going on so long like that. I don't know if that's all necessary information or what. As far as his disorders went, I didn't know how to identify more than one, and as far as his family went, never knew that most of them ran in the family, and nobody turned overtly hostile toward me until after we got married. I spent years feeling guilty about not noticing and trying so hard to find ways to blame myself, but after a lot of reading on his disorders and marriages in my situation, I finally learned how VERY evasive the knowledge and understanding of these things actually were. And worse, how very little support and how very much shaming people in our situation receive.

    As for other people in my life treating me like crap, most of them were less subtle and a bit easier to cut ties with.

  7. #6

    Nothing. Fuck what others think.
    King is not a pussy need to understand what people think

    People are only INSECTS ?O MORE

    Win enough money to take personnal care Tesla drive and make you enough money alone


  8. #7
    Type 2w1

    Wasn't funny.


     

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