[Enneagram Type 4] Fours: Just verifying that love between 4 and 4 is a disaster ? True for friends ?

Fours: Just verifying that love between 4 and 4 is a disaster ? True for friends ?

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This is a discussion on Fours: Just verifying that love between 4 and 4 is a disaster ? True for friends ? within the Heart Triad - Types 2,3,4 forums, part of the Enneagram Personality Theory Forum category; Hi, just confirming that 4 and 4 romantic partners are disastrous for others as for me? Is it ok for ...

  1. #1
    Type 4w3

    Fours: Just verifying that love between 4 and 4 is a disaster ? True for friends ?

    Hi, just confirming that 4 and 4 romantic partners are disastrous for others as for me? Is it ok for friendships?

    I had a heart-breaking time with someone special (former best friend) who I deem to be a four. Worse part is I did it to myself because I knew he was polyamorous-don't-believe-in-relationships that due to self-esteem and Four probs but expected him to want to be exclusive. It tore me apart on a deep level because, yeah, I have been with many types/ppl and break-ups always make me bleed but he really understood my dark side and I understood his... his dark side scares me even. Anyway, his depression brought me down not up and I had to end it before it got bad because all I want is someone to be strong and loyal to me and he is against monogamy and I knew that before we became intimate accidentally. (I know I am dumb.) (Alcohol.) (...Four.) He felt bad about it, and wanted to stay friends but I couldn't. It numbed the pain for a short while but then the immediate, extreme downward heavy feelings of rejection and depression (I don't use this word lightly) were unbearable.

    Do 4 friends compete for individualism? Tragicness? What about the melancholy factor? Or is it good because we all exist in our other reality? How about growth among 4s?



  2. #2
    Type 4w3


    I think fours can be very good friends, as long as they're not in the rocky pits of disintegration (in which case, they'd be a crappy friend to anyone, not just a fellow four).

  3. #3
    Type 4w3

    Quote Originally Posted by chimeric View Post
    I think fours can be very good friends, as long as they're not in the rocky pits of disintegration (in which case, they'd be a crappy friend to anyone, not just a fellow four).
    Okay thanks!

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  5. #4

    It depends on the person. I had a certain relationship (not romantic) with an ENFP type 4 that was stressful on the both of us because we both stubbornly stuck to our own ideas of "what should be." Also, I needed to change my personality to accommodate person that I felt that I was losing myself.

  6. #5
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by la_di_da View Post
    ...before we became intimate accidentally.
    I wonder, how do you get intimate by accident?

  7. #6
    Type 4w3

    before we became intimate accidentally. (I know I am dumb.) (Alcohol.) (...Four.)
    I don't drink anymore.

  8. #7
    Unknown

    Quote Originally Posted by la_di_da View Post
    I don't drink anymore.
    You accidentely fell in love....?

  9. #8
    Type 4w3

    We went to a party. I decided: will I not drink or will I drink and get wasted.

    Basically I was intoxicated and bent on acting out however I could. We drove back to my friends'. I couldn't drive so I had to stay. I pushed him. We were intimate. He was so sweet and loving and hungry to be loved-- he's much younger than me-- and bc he was so sweet and affectionate, I was so happy w him. Stayed in bed all day till 5pm the next day. I fell in love w him even though I knew he did not believe in monogamy & is depressed, tough childhood like me, we bond over that. (But he doesn't try to go anywhere in life and is basically trapped.) Then, I was torn up all week and went to see him the next wk and tell him it was a mistake and to say how sad I was that he doesn't believe in relationships (huuuge deal reader for me), bc this means I cannot be w him or hook up w him. (My other friend thought it was wrong of him to do anything w me when I was so drunk. He was one of my best friends, like soulmate friends before.) He also expressed a lot of disappointment about the whole thing and tried to explain why he doesn't believe in relationships. Then I cried and we had sex. I was so angry at myself and wanting someone who's unavailable & off limits, and for doing the same thing but sober. I tried to make myself stop but I couldn't. I left abruptly at 3am and almost crashed in the heavy, dangerous rain coming home. I felt like I had broken my own heart. Life felt like it wasn't worth living, I couldn't sleep, so distressed I was gonna snap. He was and is very sorry and wants to be my friend still, misses me, but I can't bear it. I accept responsibility for my actions and am sad to hurt my friend by breaking the friendship. And the worse part is I created this situation by drinking, that leads to drinking a lot, which makes me very unstable always.

    There were many good learning experiences.
    1. I hit rock bottom.
    2. Sought help for my relationship/ love turmoil.
    3. Seen many improvements.
    4. I'm not dating or trying to date !! (BIG change)
    5. I started in a group therapy program that identifies these problems and its effects in all areas of my life-> more improvements.
    6. I realized I could fall in love again. (I know it sounds ridiculous in context, but I Never fall in love. I always dwell on 1 ex.)
    7. Realized I could date people who are younger than twice my age. (BIG change too)
    8. I don't want to have sex before being in a committed relationship.
    9. Stopped drinking.
    10. I don't go out w the first person to show interest like before.
    11. Hang out w ppl who support my growth.
    12. The list goes on and on...

    So, I asked for ppl's take on being FRIENDS with a 4 as a 4. My friend with whom who all this drama happened was a very unhealthy 4 & it was bringing & keeping me down. We commiserated and often discussed our childhood and present turmoil and relationship problems. After all the heartache, it was a positive event that led me to celebrating my 23rd birthday today as the healthiest, best place I've ever been, though not perfect.
    @mimesis

  10. #9
    Unknown

    Happy 23rd Birthday @la_di_da !



    * the zabaglione is of course non-alcoholic.

  11. #10
    Type 4w3

    Lol @mimesis jokester
    What is your type? R u a 4?


     
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