So I'm wondering if anyone else experiences this..
I spent a lot of my time alone behind the computer every day (working) and I barely see anyone except for family members and some friends every now and then. So the longer I spent alone, the less intense I seem to feel. I donít know, it feels like feeling is slowly shifting to thinking. And I'm talking about every sort of feeling here: motivation, happiness, good music, sadness, interest, excitement, purpose, hope etc.
So recently I had a family reunion which was fun and all, jokes being made, laughing and having a good time. Day later I'm feeling stuff with a much higher intensity. Which is nice and all, I like feeling things. When I was 13 I once spent 1 entire day feeling pure love, and spent the next 5 years knowing what regret, sadness and depression felt like. But I loved every second of it. Over the years I developed some kind of nostalgia for it. When anything external is in the perfect condition it can trigger this melancholy feeling that feels so fucking good. I remember walking outside somewhere in autumn. It wasn't really cold, but the air had this winter sort of smell. This smell triggered something and suddenly I was sent to the past feeling with the same intensity I did back then. I just wanted to hold onto it, feel it with all my heart, knowing it doesn't last long. But as soon as I realized it, it disappeared.
Itís different you know. You can think back and feel the past through your thoughts (more like remembering your feelings and then trying to imitate them) or something external triggers you and you actually feel like youíre back in the past. Even if itís just for a second. Songs used to be able to do this pretty well. But they lose power the more you listen to them.
I wish I could just feel new feelings. The present. Attach new music and imagery to new moments and together they can form new memories. In the deep space of my soul, the strong feelings I was once able to conjure, just drifted away. I donít remember them very well anymore. The more time that passes, the further they go, the less detail I can recall. I canít really feel sad about it neither because Iím forgetting what it was anyway. Just empty. Nothing. Iím guessing thatís where depression comes in.
Can anyone tell me how to just not give a shit and feel again like I did when I was a young? I want to fall in love again. I realized itís pretty much the only thing I care about. I donít know if it can be done twice, since there is only space for one. Maybe I became way too self-conscious to do it.
Screw it, I just want to live in some forest cabin spending my days making cool stuff like the Primitive Technology guy on YouTube does, eating healty food and getting connected with nature instead of living in a society I canít feel more disconnected from.
But damn it I canít do that neither, because happiness is only real when shared right?