[INFJ] Stuck being single - Page 3

Stuck being single

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This is a discussion on Stuck being single within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by Vivid Melody @ thislittlebluebird It sounds like the real problem here revolves around you internalizing messages about ...

  1. #21

    Quote Originally Posted by Vivid Melody View Post
    @thislittlebluebird

    It sounds like the real problem here revolves around you internalizing messages about yourself (from your upbringing) that were toxic in nature. You've accepted it to be true about yourself and so are viewing your actions and intentions you have about these things through this lens rather than your own. Things you tell yourself such as: "I'm such a friggin prude" or "I'm selfish (for A, B and C)." In reality, you are neither of these things. It is not selfish to live authentically and to have standards. If anything, you are doing others a favor by living true to yourself rather than being halfway in and then at the last second realize "oh wait, I don't really want to do this."
    Yeah... I really have some daddy issues to deal with and other fun things :p I think I'm still careful around guys in general (even close friends) since I was bullied by guys until 15 and I just didn't grow up having the best image of guys in general. That is slowly starting to change thankfully after meeting lovely people in college who happen to be guys :)

    Quote Originally Posted by Vivid Melody View Post
    And hell, if you're a prude than I'm most definitely a prude because I didn't have sex until after marriage. My husband has been my only sex partner (and vise versa) and that's the way it's going to happily be for the rest of my life. Now would you tell me I am a prude? I'm sure you wouldn't. It's just a very personal decision. So why continue to shame yourself for these things?
    For me, the issue isn't really being a prude. I don't really find that word offensive and use it towards myself because it's funny to me :p I just feel that I am stuck in this sexual stuff at a child level. I know everything about sex and am very accepting of everyone's life choices etc. but I just can't do it when it comes to me. I'm not sure if it's mostly my body confidence and that I just feel I'm not sexy enough for sex and I'm terrified of rejection or something else.

    Quote Originally Posted by Vivid Melody View Post
    True growth comes when you look inward and work to resolve these issues. Yes, experiences do excel our growth too and those are important in the equation but if you never take the time to introspect in regards to your experiences and understand yourself and why you do the things you do, you'll be running on auto pilot the rest of your life, living out other people's messages about you that you have internalized rather than what you know to be really true about yourself, deep down. Yes, this is easier said than done. It takes courage to confront our deepest fears and shame. Anger will come up probably and a lot of other colorful emotions. But it's important that you process these before making bigger decisions in life involving relationships. So you are right to feel that way and not force yourself. I personally don't think it's wise for people to make careless decisions (sexually or otherwise). But hey, that's me. I don't believe the solution is to keep seeking out people who have what you feel you lack (SP types) but rather, find that these qualities that you desire so much (confidence in who you REALLY are, not being like someone else) and being more social are already inherent within yourself. In addition, it's important not to reject the other qualities about yourself that you feel are weak or whatever. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't have to rely so heavily on others to tap into these things. Dig deeper.
    Quote Originally Posted by Vivid Melody View Post
    It depends on the person. Some people seek sensory experiences as a form of escape or to numb themselves from some sort of internal pain they are hiding from (not brave). It is not necessarily braver to jump in head first either (though it may look that way on the outside to someone who fears this sort of thing). Anyone can be brave when they are blind. And like I said, I don't personally see it as wise. Just...impulsive.
    I definitely seek sensory experiences when I'm slipping into an unhealthy place (which is right now yipiii). The only difference is that someone with a dominant Se is going to be much better at that stuff then me, I'm just merely dabbling in that world. I usually need someone who is more "experienced" in that world to bring me into it, which is what my ESTP and ENFP friends do, and I feel safer when I'm out exploring this side of myself with them.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vivid Melody View Post
    In order to live a truly fulfilling and meaningful life, you have to learn to accept yourself fully and understand what it is you truly want and need. I sound like a broken record at this point with this stuff but it's really about living authentically to these things. If you aren't very in tune with yourself, I can tell you - you will not have very deep or meaningful relationships because in order to develop healthy connections and relate to others well, it does require that you know yourself to some extent. Any how, I sound like a broken record at this point (and probably not explaining it the best) but these are just some things I've learned along the way.
    I'm trying to find a way to create a life that combines all the aspects of my personality. Sometimes I just want to be in a peaceful place and read a write poetry and sometimes I want to get blackout drunk with a bunch of strangers. It's a balance I hope to master some day. Thank you for your response! :)

  2. #22

    Yep, that's a spot in life. Not may people feel the same way you do, but I understand where you are coming from. Physical contact can be a weird concept as is, and when you add in all the other stuff things can get even more uncomfortable. Like, "who are you and why are you moving your face towards mine?" However, I don't think this is a bad thing. It simply means that you have standards. From what you've said it sounds like those standards are A) you need to know the guy pretty well before hand, B) they need to be in it for the long haul, and C) they need to be ok with taking it slow and steady. Don't settle! These prerequisites make it near dang impossible for you do end up with anyone who doesn't actually love you for you.

    But that's about all I got. I could say more but idk if it would actually be helpful to.

  3. #23
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by thislittlebluebird View Post
    I think the problem is I just don't have an proper outlet for my Ni side, so living on my other functions can be draining. I think I'm just in a strange place in my life and I don't know who I am anymore or who I really want to be. I see my friends and the guy I am into having the time of their lives always and not worrying about everything and I'm sad I'm not like them. I feel like there's a curtain that separates me from them, it's all fun and games for a while but at the end of the night they all get their needs met with casual hook ups and whatever and I'm left feeling confused and empty. I think I've just always had this inherent sadness in my that most people don't have or understand, even I don't understand it. Like feeling homesick for people who I don't even know exist. This is exactly the kind of bullshit I couldn't talk about with my college friends, they would be nice about it but they wouldn't really get it.
    This does sound very 4w5, that sense that something is missing, that everyone else is having fun while you're mired in misery. I can identify. This is where the hard part comes. It's normal for us to seek to emulate our ESxx brothers and sisters, having fun enjoying sensory life and gaining a sense of satisfaction from easy sex. But, as we find out, even when we can get these things, they bring us no real sense of fulfillment. None. So this is where we have to strike out on our own course toward something that will hold meaning for us. What this might be, it's hard to say.

    I personally think that the very process of forcing ourselves out of daily inertia and into a new frame is maybe the most important part of the process. I think we're lazy by nature. We don't want to do the hard work of building something new when the goal seems so far off and so unlikely to be attained. But I never found meaning in that ES life. I tried, believe me. So I eventually accepted that I had to build the new no matter how long it may take. Something about not counting time because the time will pass anyway...

    Anyhow, for me, this was a holistic enterprise. I found that focusing only on the abstract life left me physically exhausted. And I already knew that focusing solely on the physical life would leave a substantial void in my life. So, for me, the new became about balance between working my physical self while exploring my abstract life. But I had to actively court new interests to stimulate that Ni. When is the last time you went to the library and just walked the stacks perusing the books? It seems old-school, but try it. The internet seems like a place of ideas, but it's actually very logistical and sensory, given that most of what's out there is e-commerce and pornography. There is nothing quite as exciting or enthralling for me as delving into new material, of reading. That sort of stimulation will quickly assuage that fatigue you feel, which is really just mental boredom. But either way, you have to begin to explore the world of ideas the same way that your ES friends are exploring the sensory world.

    Where you go from there? Good luck ;) This is the part where that whole "faith in positive outcomes" thing comes in. But at some point you need to synthesize something. I don't know what, but you must create.


     
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