Confusing behaviour from an ESFP

Confusing behaviour from an ESFP

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  • 1 Post By Sour Roses

This is a discussion on Confusing behaviour from an ESFP within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Okay I would really appreciate any insight on confusing behaviour from an ESFP friend of mine. Please note I'm an ...

  1. #1

    Confusing behaviour from an ESFP

    Okay I would really appreciate any insight on confusing behaviour from an ESFP friend of mine. Please note I'm an ENFJ so my attitude towards friendship would be that of an ENFJ and may be part of the problem. I think it might be a personality thing and where else to ask than an INFJ subforum.

    We were good friends a long time ago (8 years ago so maybe not that long haha) but experienced the following problems that sank the friendship.

    1) Long distance friendship, so we don't see each other regularly.
    2) Co-dependent behaviour from my side, but I'm not like that anymore.
    3) Hot and cold behaviour from his side. This is what makes me confused even to this day.

    He would be a very caring and good friend one day, and then it's suddenly like were not friends at all. I broke contact with him after two years of friendship due to him ignoring me and this hot/cold behaviour. But he still makes contact with me even to this day. He's not using me for anything and it seems like he's friends with me as a person.

    I'm not in contact with him but then he would message me out of the blue and we would chat, and then he would suddenly ignore me. Or he would like stuff of mine on social media but when I try to talk to him I get ignored.

    He's 25 so I don't think it's an immaturity thing. I still want to be good friends with him but I'm fine if he doesn't want to be. I just don't like getting ignored and not knowing where I stand with someone.

    I don't really know what to do or think about this. I could doorslam him again but I can bet you a $1000 he will make contact again. He even invited me to his birthday and told me I could stay with him (live about 400 miles from each other). So any advice on this?

    There's a small possibility of me working with him in the middle east but I don't even have half the trust in him to make such a move, as I know I will be emotionally dependent on him in the beginning phase.

    So any advice? Is the problem with me?

  2. #2

    Replace money with emotional validation / attention and his behavior makes sense.
    There are users out there who seek pick-me-ups from certain acquaintances / activities to help themselves recover from rejections experienced while pursuing people / status / accomplishments that they placed in a higher category.
    It's the most horrible thing to realize for those of us who could never arrange people in our lives that way, but there truly are individuals who groom others to stay "waiting in the wings" in case they need it.
    Whenever someone acts like a friend only when they want it, with a lot of freeze-outs in between, this is usually what they're doing.
    An additional red flag that can come up is when they invite you somewhere and then expect a lot from you, as if they are giving you a task rather than enjoying your company.

  3. #3

    Or it could be that he likes you more than he thinks he should. When his feelings get stirred up to a certain point, the circuit-breaker does its thing, or maybe a fuse blows, and he drops you or runs away because he's uncomfortable with the intensity of his feelings. When that subsides, out of self-preservation he tries to ignore you . . . but bit by bit he's back to wanting a connection . . . which then builds . . . and so the cycle goes on and on. What to do? Me, I'd let it build again . . . let him start to ignore me again . . . then challenge that directly and say, "Gustaf, I don't get this hot and cold stuff. What's going on?"


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