[INFJ] Need Your Advice! INFP Woman in Bizarre Relationship With Incredible INFJ Man - Page 10

Need Your Advice! INFP Woman in Bizarre Relationship With Incredible INFJ Man

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This is a discussion on Need Your Advice! INFP Woman in Bizarre Relationship With Incredible INFJ Man within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Originally Posted by DTsuDTsu It is indeed immensely complicated, and to tell it from the beginning would take a long, ...

  1. #91

    Quote Originally Posted by DTsuDTsu View Post
    It is indeed immensely complicated, and to tell it from the beginning would take a long, long time. I can say confidently that having met him in the midst of the abuse (and having been foolish enough to introduce him to my abuser) was ultimately what brought it all crashing down. If I hadn't been so foolish, and if we'd been fortunate enough to meet at another time, I do think we would have been okay. I'm terribly sad, but I'm trying my best, as I know he will!



    I mentioned it above to the reply to Paper Shade, but yes, it's very, very complicated. Much of what's happened is a result of the abuse I experienced from a family member. I met him in the middle of that abuse, so he was like a bright light during it all. So started me over-idealizing him and putting him on a pedestal. It did not help that he was so good to me - so good and so caring and tried to take care of me. I got sucked into that and came to expect it from him throughout our relationship, when for him, he just got settled and comfortable in it and didn't know I needed that much affection. (I just need to note...I DID always reciprocate. I often worried I was being suffocating, because I constantly showed my affection. It was never hard or exhausting for me. I really do adore him, so it was in fact very easy.) Add to it that I was foolish enough to introduce my abuser to him, who saw what we had and jealously told me she was going to start chasing after him, too......And well, you can see how it begins to get very, very messy.

    I would love to stick by him while I heal, but the problem is that even just seeing him now is painful. Because it dredges up all the pained memories that came about in this relationship. Not because of either of our faults. Again, the abuse and the abuser are the main reason for most of this. But I am also weak as a result of the abuse, and until I can heal from that, I don't think I'll be strong enough to face him or get past the pain. (For example, I can't tell you how painful it is to see the sadness in his eyes. It's unbearable. I think as an empath, I take it all into myself.)

    I'm doing a horrible job of explaining this, but I feel confident that if I didn't step away, I would never heal - I would end up living for his moments of affection and feeling like dying when I cannot get them (which is unrealistic to always expect anyway, and I know this and yet can't help feeling sad nonetheless). Add to it everything the abuse and the abuser have done to stand in the way and cause hurt for both of us, and good lord, it's a walking nightmare!

    I wish things were different...I really do.
    It's hard for me to imagine letting any of that get in my way, actually... especially if my man was hurting because of me turning away. I tend to think "How can I be the solution".

    Like if you are hurting him and feeling his pain, why not alive that pain?
    Why let this abuser have any power if you can help it? Isn't that almost like continuing the abuse? Why isn't love and communication the solution? Why decide avoiding the pain is more important than sharing love?
    It sounds like you're building a wall made of reasons that no longer exist and can pretty much all be fixed by you.
    The whole "living for his moments of affection and feeling like dying when I cannot get them" sounds a bit like the boogey man. You can handle having a life with love I would think? It's tolerable. This is not going to get fixed by living alone, I don't think.

    It sounds like a lot of self-imposed road blocks. You might want to look carefully at that. Like write down each road block you are talking about and think about how you could be the solution to it?



    Woolens? Lol Good job, Spellcheck.
    DTsuDTsu thanked this post.

  2. #92

    Quote Originally Posted by Llyralen View Post
    It's hard for me to imagine letting any of that get in my way, actually... especially if my man was hurting because of me turning away. I tend to think "How can I be the solution".

    Like if you are hurting him and feeling his pain, why not alive that pain?
    Why let this abuser have any power if you can help it? Isn't that almost like continuing the abuse? Why isn't love and communication the solution? Why decide avoiding the pain is more important than sharing love?
    It sounds like you're building a wall made of reasons that no longer exist and can pretty much all be fixed by you.
    The whole "living for his moments of affection and feeling like dying when I cannot get them" sounds a bit like the boogey man. You can handle having a life with love I would think? It's tolerable. This is not going to get fixed by living alone, I don't think.

    It sounds like a lot of self-imposed road blocks. You might want to look carefully at that. Like write down each road block you are talking about and think about how you could be the solution to it?



    Woolens? Lol Good job, Spellcheck.
    No, no...I can see how what I wrote might have been confusing. When I said I'm living for his moments of affection and feeling like dying when I can't get them....That's the issue, unfortunately. He's not capable of giving the affection he used to anymore. He is (or was) very comfortable in the relationship. I also think he's a bit codependent as well. This often happens in relationships with two codependents. One will always be giving affection and needing it in return, and while the other starts off doing the same, eventually they get used to receiving it and don't return it. Then the one giving the affection feels hurt and afraid and starts to pull away to see if their partner cares about them at all to notice. Of course the other partner does, because suddenly they too are not receiving the affection they are used to. After that, they go back to how they started off, mutually affectionate. But it lasts for only a little before the cycle restarts, and I have to say...It is killer. Again, I don't think it would be as bad if not for the abuse and my abuser - and yes, I agree that I shouldn't let her have power over me, but unfortunately it is not as easy as one might want to think. I'm talking about a Narcissist-borderline-Sociopath here. This is somebody who possesses no empathy and believes she is justified and right in everything she does. She would do anything to see me miserable, and she certainly tried, which pulled both me and this guy down.

    I hope that clarifies things a bit. I don't doubt there are self-imposed road blocks here, but I also know that I need to heal and become healthier for my relationships - whether this one, if I can return to it, or future ones. Currently, I am blending too deeply with my partner, losing myself in that I don't know where I end and he begins. That's another reason why this is so painful. I think it's important to be able to blend with another, but first we must also have a strong sense of self and self-worth, which I do not. This is what I hope to learn.


     
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