[INFJ] Is a INFJ a naturally doormat?

Is a INFJ a naturally doormat?

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This is a discussion on Is a INFJ a naturally doormat? within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; ...

  1. #1
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Is a INFJ a naturally doormat?

    So I went through my first break-up. 13 years of relationship. But still after 7 months I feel as if in the whole process I have lost myself. This has mainly to do with my friends who all say:" You are a rare person. The ways you are thinking are strange...get over that." I donīt remember how, but I made a test and when I read about the results it struck me hard to be a INFJ trying to change his INFJ-Side. It was as if someone for the first time could explain the complexity of my innerself which I sometimes even donīt understand. Now Iīm wondering, is it perhaps the INFJ way of thinking and I have to accept being everyones doormat? So stick to my story which I try to explain as short as possible.

    So the story began like a year ago. My Girlfriend started to have online contact to a guy. I donīt know why, but I always had a strange feeling even if i am not the jealous kind of guy. This guy was something else. I sensed something which made me feel bad. The time passed and after a certain time, I had a mild version of depression. I slept only 4 hours a night.
    She couldnīt understand why as she never met this guy who was only a friend and I was the most important person in her life. Fast forward...one day she met this guy. She asked for a break via email (at this point we lived seperated due to her job) without any specification. She needed time for herself, to feel again who she is without me.
    First I understood and showed compassion. Then I sensed she was lying. So I suspected something with this guy and she admitted she met him and fell in love. This was the first time my friends told me to dump her for good. I didnīt. She said she feels confused, has feelings for him but I am the most important person in her life. Her future. But if she doesnīt meet this guy again she will never know and for once she has to follow him to be sure about us. Told me there is a 1% chance she falls totally in love with him and that we have no future. So I gave her the space she needed. Till then we never had anything troublesome in our relationship. And when I fell in love with another women, I never pursued that, because I know what I feel towards her is greater. Nevermind...logically i didnīt get her.
    So I said to her, she should figure this one out not by meeting him but to take some time alone and that we will find a solution. Going to her grandma and think about everything alone....i called...she was with him and already f* him. How dumb can someone be? I broke up with her and met her again 2 month later when she was getting her stuff...and it was like a dream I already had after her first "need a break" email. The ways she reacted, how she was looking at me, what she was saying, how I felt...I donīt know. But sometimes I feel crazy because I know things, sense things or dream things that even the person Iīm talking to is not knowing. Like sometimes I talk 10 min. to someone and I know things they never said. And then people are mindblowed about everything I already know.
    This Break Up is just an example. She is still with him, never really tried to come back even if in the beginning she couldnīt imagine a future with him...but lets go to the conclusion.

    What I figured out, is that as long things happen on a emotional level, I feel compassion. I take every pain on my shoulder and make people feel better as long they feel bad. I went through everything even if she said this must feel a 1000time worse for me. But still she never did the minimum to make me feel good even if she said she still loves me. Iīm considered to be one of the kindest person. Always fullfilling oneīs needs before they even realize their need. As if I have a third eye. I am a very idealistic person trying to make the world a better place. But the moment she tried to lie I instantly knew it (told me she doesnīt want me make to feel bad) and for that judged her very hard. Combined with her coldness towards me when we met again I made a 180turn. Every compassion was gone and I became mean to her. Afterwards I insulted her and felt good about being able to do it, but miserable why I had to do it to push her away. I became totally cold. Till today I canīt understand why she ever needed to lie, how she could replace me so fast and how she was putting herself and her feelings so much higher. You must understand...the only thing I asked from her, was ONE! email where she explains what she is feeling. She never did. Its not about people not living up to my ideals, but if they disregard my goodness and take it for granted, they make the world a bad place and this is when they feel my dark side . So everytime I went No Contact but as soon as she was begging and pleading to talk, we did because I had the hope she could open herself and give me answears. What strucks me, is not being alone (hell, sometimes this relationship drain every energy out of me) but that people everyday show me that they have no emotional memory. Her, Family, Friends. I never did something to them, but still they leave me as if I am a mirror and they canīt stand their own look. But still they do what even they judge is bad. She never had much respect for certain Dumper calling them "stupid, pathetic and evil" and now she does it worse than everyone she judged. But why are they still behaving like that? It feels like every goodness I am doing to someone only exists in the moment. That every person finds it totally normal to do things which effect others negativly which I never could out of consideration. Even with friends. Everytime their Need is higher settled as my needs. They do things without thinking how it makes me feel. And if they see I am angry, they tell me they donīt understand why I am feeling that way or they just leave. For me its like I take every shit from everyone I like and that they want things being accepted by me, which they never would accept. And its always Me who has to get over his feelings and make the first step. Like my ex. She did things which she would never accept if I would have done it. And now itīs me who has to "understand" to "forget" or to "forgive". Right now I am the bad person, because after 13 years together I ignore her. Did I tell she left me right before my final exams?
    With everyone: If it wasnīt me, they would never have what they got. Long term relations. But the others donīt seem to give so much effort in it. Every friendship is build on my goodness and that I get over my feelings. But if its about them, they want compassion. Its like I never do something bad but still people are doing bad things to me.
    Is a INFJ really a martyr or are they a doormat for every bullsh* people would like to leave at our door?
    Do you also have problems with your compassion? I tried several month to change myself. Having less compassion...more "WTF do I care" Attitude but it made me feel worse than the feeling of people expect more from me than they expect from theirself. Do you have similar storys?
    LyricalWhip, saramara, OverwhelmedOne and 1 others thanked this post.

  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Alan View Post
    Is a INFJ really a martyr or are they a doormat for every bullsh* people would like to leave at our door?
    I think we like to think of ourselves as martyrs, but I also think, biologically speaking, people can sniff out our weaknesses/susceptibilities and exploit them.

    I remember when I was in grade school, from the time I left kindergarten right up until junior high, I was a fairly sensitive guy who naively expected that people would generally be kind. After all, I was to them so why wouldn't they reciprocate? I found out over and over that this was a delusion --- people are mean because they can be, they like it, or because they are wounded themselves. Although not "bullied" to an extreme like others on here have mentioned, nor totally alienated (I always had a group of friends), when I did run into trouble I think others appraised me as an introverted, kindhearted, trusting, forgiving person (who like to read and hang out alone and didn't keep up with the trends) and reacted accordingly, knowing I would not put up much of a fuss. Unfortunately, I know now that humankind's tendency to identify the weakest links and make them aware of their status doesn't fade with increasing age. It probably makes them feel better about their own failures and self-doubt and the decisions they made.

    When I was a little younger, I used to have a bit of a martyr complex --- not in the sense that I enjoyed feeling persecuted by society or life or whatever, but that being this sensitive creature was my lot in life. Now that I'm older, I still feel I'm a victim somewhat -- thanks to my personality type. But I realize, whether by birth or my own failures as a person, I was just born not equipped to handle certain elements of life like a normal person. Where most people can encounter an unfortunate, relatively minor situation (being slighted, a friendship drifting apart, someone making a joke at your expense), I usually had a harder time getting over it. Whether it's idealism or sensitivity or something deeper, many of us seem to be at a disadvantage handling some of these social things that are an unfortunate (and unneccessary) part of life.

    So, while I don't have any answers for you (it's someting I'm working through myself), I'm sorry to hear about your trouble. I think it's less to do with "less compassion" as you say, but maintaining your compassion while accepting the inevitability of the ebb and flow of life's changes --- things ending and not always ending well, whether it's a job, a friendship, a romance, etc. Also, accepting the imperfection of others as well as yourself, because you're not perfect either.

    This is the first step, at least. Easier said than done, I know.

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I find we often get burned because we let our ability to see into people's hearts cloud our judgement in terms of wisdom. Well...at least I do sometimes. It's really helped me to talk things out with my I/ENTJ friend. Sometimes I make decisions based on what I see in a person's heart and neglect to see that the tough shell of a person is beyond my help. Ergo....psssssssssssssssss....burned once again.

    Personally, I often find myself perceived as a doormat because I'm silent, or smile, or am nice. In due time I'm usually perceived as a monster for telling people when to step tf off--even if in the slightest most courteous way. I guess anyone would be startled if their doormat talked to them haha. People that react as victims --when I've chosen to speak up for myself in my own defense--aren't people I respect anyways. If I had a choice between being perceived as a doormat or a monster...I'm kind of okay to be seen as the monster.

    It took some time for me to find my voice and speak up for myself. I think it takes getting to a point where you're sick of getting burned...at least at the expense of fools.
    Alan, saramara and OverwhelmedOne thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I think I donīt get it straight. Or perhaps my friends are to much NTīs. My best friend who supported me during this story was a INTJ. A real Doctor House. :D So lets say I am a Doctor Wilson.
    My Fe prevented me of totally being mean and thus to protect myself. As long I sensed she is feeling bad I took it on my shoulders. Even if it felt a 1000 times worse for me. So my INTJ friend broke me...said I was pathetic. A doormat for her...
    Ok, he prevented me from hurting myself anymore and for this he is a great friend. Everything he said was so logical. So I changed...tried to use more my Te but felt that is not part of who I am. Till one day he also hurt me deep. I looked at him and saw that he hardly has friends based on emotions. And the only possibility not to dump him as a friend was to use my Fe instead of my Te. Now we are back on good terms. I made a step towards him and swallowed my feelings. But only due to what he called illogical and pathetic in the first place. ???
    I look at him and every friend he has is based on my Fe. People who have trouble with him talk to me like a counselor. They stick to him as long I am there (he is my roomate for 7 years). But still sometimes they choose him as friend over me. They all love me and with him its a love/hate. But still they are more vary to please him than me. And he insults people, makes them feel bad but still gets more benefits out of friendships. INTJ can be so arrogant and self centered. So what to do with this damn Fe...i mean I understand what you mean with not getting burned or to accept the ebbs and flows of life. But when do you really know to let go of your Fe? Or how do you prevent thinking that its unfair or a asymetric relationship? Once I read:" The person who loves more has less power" And thats why I always feel to be the weakest link. Not because I am insecure, have a low self esteem, or am a whiny emo...the contrary. I just seems that I love people more than they love me...and I think its connected with the dominant Fe Function.

  5. #5
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Thinking counters feelings and vice versa. INFJs with overdeveloped feeling functions are more likely to become doormats. The solution is to develop your thinking abilities and learn how to control and suppress your feelings. Modeling after Ti dominate personality types (ISTP, INTP/ENTP) will help I think since they share thinking functions.
    Alan thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors

    To me I feel like I suffer from double standards and it depends on the type, I've noticed its fairly normal to talk shit to each other but then because I get bored of it and become a victim of double standards especially with SJs. I just take it but the second I try to do it back they act as if I am being extremely defensive (SPs) or extremely offensive (SJs), I was drunk and called out somebody for his constant guilt tripping and I mentioned that he is scared of our friend (who I believe is an ESTP), he got annoyed but he got over it but oh no, his girlfriend talk it the wrong and has constantly held it against me. She constantly pulls this "harden up" bullshit especially to our other ESFP friend but constantly treats her boyfriend like a little baby. I understand they're in a relationship and all but it pisses me off, I constantly get shit flung at me and I take it but the second I give it to somebody else oh boy I'll hear about it.

    As time goes on I've become jaded to this kind of behaviour, I don't have anybody to let my Fe breathe and there is so much hatred for Fe behaviour especially in males so I am forced to deal with it and only do what I know how which people take advantage of. What your girlfriend did to you sounds unfair, I don't know how I could deal with it.
    Alan thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Yeah Doom...thats how I see it. The moment you do something wrong boy you will hear about it. Like little childs saying:" Nananana you are not so good afterall!" But as for me I hardly have bad intentions. By the way... she was a ESFJ or ESFP.
    Sometimes I feel like Luke Skywalker. (My youth hero :D ) Always sensing the conflict even if someone is the biggest threat to your universe. And even if we chop off one arm, its not with bad intention. The scene where Dart Vader throws the imperator down still gives me chills.
    As for her I really want her best in life. But all I want from people is to acknowledge their wrongs to me or to others and to protect whats good. She can leave me...no problem with that. But why jumping right into a new relationship with my opposite and accept my hurt just that both of them feel better. Why canīt she accept in her life (being lonely and depressed) what I have to accept and have no choice about it??? But no...people so often seem to me like robots. Cold and stuck in their logical thinking. Egocentric. I cut all contact but I hope that one day I get one little email stating:" What ever I was thinking back then it was wrong. The break up could have been inevitable but nevertheless you are the least who deserved this treatment. You deserve the best in life as you see the best in us. Being together is no option but still I am willing to go through every pain as you are willing to go through the hardest pain to let me go and break the bond we once had." Is this not the best end to a once wonderful time? As for everyone who dumped me out of their life. One of the last thing I wrote her was:" Look. I donīt put you on pedestals. I know who you are and I loved you for who you are. What feels like a million knives inside me is not you not living up to my ideals or leaving me. Hell, you know I love you and that means I only can set you free. Its not a cage, you are not mine. You are free to go whenever you want. No! Its about that after 13 years you neglect and violate everything what is good in me. Everything which is based on my ideals. And by doing it this way, you kill the person I am. You mistreat me to a point where this experience will kill a person inside me, I want to hold on tight. Because its the person we both loved. Its the person who truely is able to love unconditionally" Answear: None. Now I am stuck in thinking I have to put me first in the future. But thats not love for me...and then people tell me I am all Disney Love Brainwashed. WTF?
    @theorycraft I think thats why I am so in conflict to use more of my T-Functions in relationships. I now its better for me. But still I hold on the hope that people will see the beauty of Fe.

  8. #8
    INFJ - The Protectors

    WOW, that is eerily similar to my own breakup right now. I too feel like I lost my identity throughout our relationship (have 2 kids with him too; that's an identity changer in itself). I totally felt like I was a doormat a lot, and I would get crazy mad. And honestly, most of my anger was/is with myself, for allowing myself to become one. But still, emotional affairs are really more damaging I think in the long run, for some reason. In my case, I got red flags because of a sudden interest in a new female friend of his; he'd been odd/depressed all year. Then suddenly, he wanted a separation. So, frustrated, I agreed. But he was still weird and I knew something was still off. He 'fessed to a physical affair with a mutual "friend" from the year earlier. Girl B was the "therapist" he went crying to over that. 5 months later, he still hasn't broken up with B, or gotten promised counseling. Needless to say, I'll be filing for divorce this fall. Sad part, is he's still in emotional denial and is having more trouble adjusting than our kids. I hate that we didn't just seriously fix or end things like adults years ago. But the good thing is I'm more mentally ready than ever and I've come to having a lot of peace inside, despite the hurt. Never thought I would. I think sometimes, you HAVE to go through what you don't want and deserve to truly realize what you DO. I wish you the best :)
    Alan thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INTP - The Thinkers

    Hmmm. This is going to be a bit incoherent, but, in addition to taking feelings (yours, mine, theirs, etc.) into account, as a T, I am also looking at all other influences/forces/circumstances in predicting actions/behaviors of others. A sort of a systems-thinking (Systems thinking - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) approach to human behavior. Knowing a person very well is just a part of getting a handle on how things will likely turn out. There is so much more involved. A broad perspective and sufficient information is key. The more you practice it, the easier it will be. It becomes a habit after a while.

    You are not doormats. (Many of you are younglings, though.)


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