So I went through my first break-up. 13 years of relationship. But still after 7 months I feel as if in the whole process I have lost myself. This has mainly to do with my friends who all say:" You are a rare person. The ways you are thinking are strange...get over that." I donīt remember how, but I made a test and when I read about the results it struck me hard to be a INFJ trying to change his INFJ-Side. It was as if someone for the first time could explain the complexity of my innerself which I sometimes even donīt understand. Now Iīm wondering, is it perhaps the INFJ way of thinking and I have to accept being everyones doormat? So stick to my story which I try to explain as short as possible.
So the story began like a year ago. My Girlfriend started to have online contact to a guy. I donīt know why, but I always had a strange feeling even if i am not the jealous kind of guy. This guy was something else. I sensed something which made me feel bad. The time passed and after a certain time, I had a mild version of depression. I slept only 4 hours a night.
She couldnīt understand why as she never met this guy who was only a friend and I was the most important person in her life. Fast forward...one day she met this guy. She asked for a break via email (at this point we lived seperated due to her job) without any specification. She needed time for herself, to feel again who she is without me.
First I understood and showed compassion. Then I sensed she was lying. So I suspected something with this guy and she admitted she met him and fell in love. This was the first time my friends told me to dump her for good. I didnīt. She said she feels confused, has feelings for him but I am the most important person in her life. Her future. But if she doesnīt meet this guy again she will never know and for once she has to follow him to be sure about us. Told me there is a 1% chance she falls totally in love with him and that we have no future. So I gave her the space she needed. Till then we never had anything troublesome in our relationship. And when I fell in love with another women, I never pursued that, because I know what I feel towards her is greater. Nevermind...logically i didnīt get her.
So I said to her, she should figure this one out not by meeting him but to take some time alone and that we will find a solution. Going to her grandma and think about everything alone....i called...she was with him and already f* him. How dumb can someone be? I broke up with her and met her again 2 month later when she was getting her stuff...and it was like a dream I already had after her first "need a break" email. The ways she reacted, how she was looking at me, what she was saying, how I felt...I donīt know. But sometimes I feel crazy because I know things, sense things or dream things that even the person Iīm talking to is not knowing. Like sometimes I talk 10 min. to someone and I know things they never said. And then people are mindblowed about everything I already know.
This Break Up is just an example. She is still with him, never really tried to come back even if in the beginning she couldnīt imagine a future with him...but lets go to the conclusion.
What I figured out, is that as long things happen on a emotional level, I feel compassion. I take every pain on my shoulder and make people feel better as long they feel bad. I went through everything even if she said this must feel a 1000time worse for me. But still she never did the minimum to make me feel good even if she said she still loves me. Iīm considered to be one of the kindest person. Always fullfilling oneīs needs before they even realize their need. As if I have a third eye. I am a very idealistic person trying to make the world a better place. But the moment she tried to lie I instantly knew it (told me she doesnīt want me make to feel bad) and for that judged her very hard. Combined with her coldness towards me when we met again I made a 180turn. Every compassion was gone and I became mean to her. Afterwards I insulted her and felt good about being able to do it, but miserable why I had to do it to push her away. I became totally cold. Till today I canīt understand why she ever needed to lie, how she could replace me so fast and how she was putting herself and her feelings so much higher. You must understand...the only thing I asked from her, was ONE! email where she explains what she is feeling. She never did. Its not about people not living up to my ideals, but if they disregard my goodness and take it for granted, they make the world a bad place and this is when they feel my dark side . So everytime I went No Contact but as soon as she was begging and pleading to talk, we did because I had the hope she could open herself and give me answears. What strucks me, is not being alone (hell, sometimes this relationship drain every energy out of me) but that people everyday show me that they have no emotional memory. Her, Family, Friends. I never did something to them, but still they leave me as if I am a mirror and they canīt stand their own look. But still they do what even they judge is bad. She never had much respect for certain Dumper calling them "stupid, pathetic and evil" and now she does it worse than everyone she judged. But why are they still behaving like that? It feels like every goodness I am doing to someone only exists in the moment. That every person finds it totally normal to do things which effect others negativly which I never could out of consideration. Even with friends. Everytime their Need is higher settled as my needs. They do things without thinking how it makes me feel. And if they see I am angry, they tell me they donīt understand why I am feeling that way or they just leave. For me its like I take every shit from everyone I like and that they want things being accepted by me, which they never would accept. And its always Me who has to get over his feelings and make the first step. Like my ex. She did things which she would never accept if I would have done it. And now itīs me who has to "understand" to "forget" or to "forgive". Right now I am the bad person, because after 13 years together I ignore her. Did I tell she left me right before my final exams?
With everyone: If it wasnīt me, they would never have what they got. Long term relations. But the others donīt seem to give so much effort in it. Every friendship is build on my goodness and that I get over my feelings. But if its about them, they want compassion. Its like I never do something bad but still people are doing bad things to me.
Is a INFJ really a martyr or are they a doormat for every bullsh* people would like to leave at our door?
Do you also have problems with your compassion? I tried several month to change myself. Having less compassion...more "WTF do I care" Attitude but it made me feel worse than the feeling of people expect more from me than they expect from theirself. Do you have similar storys?