[INFJ] Help me make sense of a male INFJ?

Help me make sense of a male INFJ?

Hello Guest! Sign up to join the discussion below...
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11
Thank Tree10Thanks

This is a discussion on Help me make sense of a male INFJ? within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hi, I'm a female ISFJ having trouble understanding a male INFJ I work with and I need help! For the ...

  1. #1
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Help me make sense of a male INFJ?

    Hi,

    I'm a female ISFJ having trouble understanding a male INFJ I work with and I need help!

    For the first 15 months we knew each other, we were just buddies: he always spent a lot of time in my office, but I didn't think anything of it as I figured he just wanted somebody to talk to, and we get on great: he's a really, really nice guy and not at all like anybody else I've ever met.

    However, since November, things have changed. He suddenly started asking me really searching personal questions (like, 'do you ever think you could be in love with two people at the same time?' and 'what kind of guy are you into?,') and other stuff to get to know me better. He also started talking about way more personal stuff himself. I am the only person in the office he has done this with: nobody else even knows his personal phone number or when his birthday is or has a clue about his private life.

    My official line at work is that I'm married with two kids, but my marriage has actually been over since 2014 and I just don't talk about it because of the unusual and totally private decision I made to continue living under the same roof as my ex because it's what's best for the kids and because we still get along well enough for it to be possible (and of course because I'm an ISFJ and we struggle to end relationships even when we know we need to).

    Things are very clear with my ex and he actually had another relationship with somebody else in 2017. I haven't been with anybody else since we separated. But since the INFJ at work seemed to be coming on to me and also seemed to have intuited that something was up with my marriage (he also asked me 'do you ever feel like your husband is not Mr Right after all?') I ended up telling him the truth so he would know I'm available (provoking a weird reaction because first he said he was sad and hurt for me and then he said he didn't actually want to know...)

    Anyway, since that point, he has been spending more and more of his time in my office and doing things I can only interpret as showing interest in me (like saying I would be 'even cuter' if I curled my hair or noticing my perfume or what I'm wearing or listening to me so well he's even hearing the things I'm not saying because he's figured out several things about my life without me telling him). Yet he doesn't seem to want to move things into second gear. I don't get it. Why is he flirting with me if he's NOT interested? I understand INFJs seek perfection so is he stuck on the fact I'm still married to my ex even if it's over? And if so, why bother flirting with me in the first place?

    I don't get this. Help?!!!!



  2. #2
    INFJ

    Quote Originally Posted by Girl on Fire View Post
    Hi,

    I'm a female ISFJ having trouble understanding a male INFJ I work with and I need help!

    For the first 15 months we knew each other, we were just buddies: he always spent a lot of time in my office, but I didn't think anything of it as I figured he just wanted somebody to talk to, and we get on great: he's a really, really nice guy and not at all like anybody else I've ever met.

    However, since November, things have changed. He suddenly started asking me really searching personal questions (like, 'do you ever think you could be in love with two people at the same time?' and 'what kind of guy are you into?,') and other stuff to get to know me better. He also started talking about way more personal stuff himself. I am the only person in the office he has done this with: nobody else even knows his personal phone number or when his birthday is or has a clue about his private life.

    My official line at work is that I'm married with two kids, but my marriage has actually been over since 2014 and I just don't talk about it because of the unusual and totally private decision I made to continue living under the same roof as my ex because it's what's best for the kids and because we still get along well enough for it to be possible (and of course because I'm an ISFJ and we struggle to end relationships even when we know we need to).

    Things are very clear with my ex and he actually had another relationship with somebody else in 2017. I haven't been with anybody else since we separated. But since the INFJ at work seemed to be coming on to me and also seemed to have intuited that something was up with my marriage (he also asked me 'do you ever feel like your husband is not Mr Right after all?') I ended up telling him the truth so he would know I'm available (provoking a weird reaction because first he said he was sad and hurt for me and then he said he didn't actually want to know...)

    Anyway, since that point, he has been spending more and more of his time in my office and doing things I can only interpret as showing interest in me (like saying I would be 'even cuter' if I curled my hair or noticing my perfume or what I'm wearing or listening to me so well he's even hearing the things I'm not saying because he's figured out several things about my life without me telling him). Yet he doesn't seem to want to move things into second gear. I don't get it. Why is he flirting with me if he's NOT interested? I understand INFJs seek perfection so is he stuck on the fact I'm still married to my ex even if it's over? And if so, why bother flirting with me in the first place?

    I don't get this. Help?!!!!
    Curl your hair.

  3. #3
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Quote Originally Posted by Six View Post
    Curl your hair.
    Ha! Maybe I will !
    Six thanked this post.

  4. #4

    The lowest Se variety INFJs can often drag their heels about romance, or get stuck at a certain point, even when Ni, Fe, and Ti have given their OK. I think it's not so much a search for perfection as it is taking things (glacially) slowly and pondering well what happens as he tries to get Se to actually do something. Also, remember that his idea of second gear may be different than yours: He may be doing something which means to him "Wow, I'm really heating things up!" but which totally flies under your radar. If you want things to get moving, you could try something which might seem incredibly modest to you but which wouldn't run the risk of scaring him off or filling him with angst, something like lunching together.

    Yes, we seek for perfection; but it's not necessarily anyone else's idea of perfection. In particular cases it could be simply what fits perfectly into a given situation...
    Girl on Fire and datagirl thanked this post.

  5. #5
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Actually, one day I forgot my lunch (which I usually bring in from home) and he said 'we can eat together, what do you want to get, do you want to get a poke bowl?' so I said 'I dunno, maybe some sushi or something' and then 'but seriously, do you want to come for a poke bowl with me?' and he said 'no, I was only joking'.

    The conversation happened while somebody else was in the room and it occurred to me after the fact that was maybe a problem for him because I can see how intensely private he is, but still.

    Whole thing makes no sense to me.
    odinthor thanked this post.

  6. #6

    Well, INFJs are similar to ISFJs in that they're likely going to be cautious in flirting. They'll want to be certain that they're making the right moves, picking the right person (thus wanting to ask personal questions and testing the waters a lot). They don't want to cause disharmony with the person they're interested in and maybe scare them off, so flirting can overall feel like very precarious ground to tread.
    Probably why I stay single for long periods. If I'm trying to get close and the person says something too different from what I was hoping their response would be I begin to doubt myself a lot:
    "Oh.... perhaps she doesn't like me in the same way.... so maybe I should just forget it? Or is she just trying to play hard to get? Huh... I hate this uncertainty... I guess I'll withdraw for now."
    Mixed signals are the worst.

    I can only interpret he's interested in you too, but given what you've mentioned, he probably hasn't been given enough clear signs yet to warrant "turning it to 2nd gear" if that's what you'd like from him.
    I imagine if a very cautious type is trying to court another very cautious type it's going to take quite some time to get anything really running if there's any potential for it.


    So I'd agree with Six, maybe if you follow that suggestion like curling your hair, he'll take that as a good sign to move further.
    "Oh, so... she wants me to view her as even more cute??? Interesting!"
    Last edited by Hexigoon; 01-20-2020 at 08:04 AM.
    Girl on Fire thanked this post.

  7. #7

    Quote Originally Posted by Girl on Fire View Post
    Actually, one day I forgot my lunch (which I usually bring in from home) and he said 'we can eat together, what do you want to get, do you want to get a poke bowl?' so I said 'I dunno, maybe some sushi or something' and then 'but seriously, do you want to come for a poke bowl with me?' and he said 'no, I was only joking'.

    The conversation happened while somebody else was in the room and it occurred to me after the fact that was maybe a problem for him because I can see how intensely private he is, but still.

    Whole thing makes no sense to me.
    Not making sense is . . . an INFJ specialty!

    My read is that he was quite serious about wanting to lunch with you, but quailed when, rather than for you to smile and say the likes of, "Oh, yes, that would be nice!", you I dunno'd him and (to him) seemed to be questioning whether he was serious. In other words, that was the moment for you to show some enthusiasm, and . . . you didn't (at least, I'm guessing, in his eyes). That made him in his Fe-like way fall back into affirming what you (to him) seemed to be implying, that such an offer could not be made seriously . . . and so he was cast back into self-doubts and uncertainties . . . and it was another six weeks of winter.

  8. #8
    ISFJ - The Nurturers

    Ahhhh, thank you. This is all very helpful. I thought I was respecting his private nature by not being too obviously enthusiastic in front of the other person in the room, but I can see how he might have perceived that differently.

    This is now officially the strangest 'relationship' I have ever had and yet also the most interesting... and potentially, the most worthwhile if I can get it to bloom the way I would like it to.

    I'm now chatting with him on Whats App since it's easier for me to say things in writing and I figured maybe it might be for him too. He's told me in person he's shy with women and doesn't know how to ask them out.

    Anybody got any tips on what I could say to get him to understand I'm interested without making him run away?!!
    Necrofantasia thanked this post.

  9. #9

    Quote Originally Posted by Girl on Fire View Post

    Anybody got any tips on what I could say to get him to understand I'm interested without making him run away?!!
    Curl. Your. Hair!
    Girl on Fire and Lucan1010 thanked this post.

  10. #10

    Quote Originally Posted by Girl on Fire View Post
    Ahhhh, thank you. This is all very helpful. I thought I was respecting his private nature by not being too obviously enthusiastic in front of the other person in the room, but I can see how he might have perceived that differently.

    This is now officially the strangest 'relationship' I have ever had and yet also the most interesting... and potentially, the most worthwhile if I can get it to bloom the way I would like it to.

    I'm now chatting with him on Whats App since it's easier for me to say things in writing and I figured maybe it might be for him too. He's told me in person he's shy with women and doesn't know how to ask them out.

    Anybody got any tips on what I could say to get him to understand I'm interested without making him run away?!!
    "Forget" your lunch again . . . tell him that the circumstance (of forgetting your lunch) reminded you of your previous conversation with him about having lunch (without getting too specific about it and reminding him of how it misfired), and say that you'd like to take him up on it this time...
    Girl on Fire thanked this post.


     
Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. The concept of SJs being traditionalists doesn't make much sense to me
    By Saiyed En Sabah Nur in forum Myers Briggs Forum
    Replies: 34
    Last Post: 07-21-2019, 06:35 PM
  2. [Enneagram Type 4] how to deal with your sense of urgency (of 468)?
    By PlasticRenaissance in forum Type 4 Forum - The Individualist
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 07-18-2018, 02:45 AM
  3. [INTP] Please help me make sense of me? Type this crazy person...
    By The Unseen in forum INTP Forum - The Thinkers
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 02-29-2016, 09:06 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:11 PM.
Information provided on the site is meant to complement and not replace any advice or information from a health professional.
© 2014 PersonalityCafe
 

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0