[INFJ] SO bringing up ex

SO bringing up ex

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This is a discussion on SO bringing up ex within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hey INFJs and any other PerCians lurking in our forum. I was just wondering how you feel when your SO ...

  1. #1
    INTJ - The Scientists

    SO bringing up ex

    Hey INFJs and any other PerCians lurking in our forum.

    I was just wondering how you feel when your SO brings up their exes.

    What factors may influence how that makes you feel?

    Do you feel there is a difference between when their es was someone they were with for a few months, compared to several years?

    On the flipside, how do you expect your SO to react when you bring up an ex?

    What do you think when they react differently?

    And how would you feel if they encouraged you to talk about your ex?

    I don't expect you to answer each question one by one, you can if you want to, I just want to get a discussion going.
    Lad and Zech thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors


    m. absolutely hates to bring up his ex. not because she was horrible or because he was so broken after they split. it is because it reminds him of the fact that he was with her for the wong reasons. he is hardly even uncomfortble about anything, but that makes him utterly uncomfortable and miserable.

    i don't bring her up, there's no need for me to do that. she was a part of his life, it's simply a reality. i don't feel jealous of her, obviously...

    i have an ex, too. it's ok for me to bring him up. m. doesn't like it much, but he accepts it.

    about two years ago i contacted my ex through LinkedIn. we had a short but very nice email exchange. he is an awesome fellow. m.'s ok with that. but just ok, he's not thrilled or anything. if m. would ask me to talk about him, i would. in hindsight, it was a pretty interesting thing, psychologically speaking. but i doubt he will.

  3. #3
    INTJ - The Scientists

    My INFJ boyfriend and I talk about both our exes a lot. If he minds he doesn't show it. He know what I did (no raunchy details; enough to know I didn't have sex with them), whom I did it with, and how I feel about each of them. I know similar things about him. We've been friends long before this so this isn't some kind of uncomfortable topic. We both dated other people while we were friends so there's no reason to avoid this subject.
    Lad, petite libellule, dotsandloops and 1 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFJ

    It often ends up being me inquiring about their ex(s) at some point. While part of my interest pertains to the type of relationship or experiences they shared as it obviously was a form of personal growth for her, the other part is deep down just rivalry & validation -- I want to know it all because I want to surpass each and every "good" part of their relationship; I need to know that I'm the best person for her. With that said, after we talk it over once or twice in reasonable detail it's essentially never brought up again, but I'd be worried about closure-issues if it popped up often.

    More-often when a gf has brought up an ex through her own fruition, it's often to slander. He didn't do this, didn't do that, or did _______ and it was terrible. Naturally, all the while I'm just thinking "she deserved so much better than that" while simultaneously wondering why they were together in the first place.

    ----------

    As for my exes (6), I'm surprisingly still on good terms with most of them, except 1. So I may share a text, rare Facebook message, and what have you, from time to time.

    While I never hide this fact and ensure I'm not making my current girlfriend uncomfortable with it, most have not inquired about my past history. I don't doubt their interest in knowing, but even they have acknowledged it would simply make them feel jealous, threatened, and so fourth.

    ----------

    So at the end of the day, we're both interested and threatened by exes at the same time. We just have different ways of going about it.
    dotsandloops and Dewymorning thanked this post.

  5. #5

    My SO and I talk about everything, including our past.
    I want to know, so, I am more than willing to listen when he feels like sharing his past with me, and sometimes I am curious enough to ask. It´s a part of him that I accept and understand.
    I am who I am beause of my past so I expect from him to accept that about me, which he does, so it´s all good.
    In knowing about his past I get to know him better and I love that, it makes us grow closer.
    GoodOldDreamer, Ethanol, Zech and 2 others thanked this post.

  6. #6
    Unknown Personality

    I prefer to get it all out at once, (from my SO that is) ....it can be a painful experience listening....that is...

    but I'd rather know about the past instances -if I care about my SO- it makes it to where I won't make the same mistakes other girls made.

  7. #7

    We have an open and honest communication when it comes to pretty much anything, including our past, present, and future. I couldn't ask for better than that. Events and people in our past help to form and shape who we are, so knowing about them helps us to know each other better, on more deeper levels.

    Both my SO and I were hurt by our previous partners, so we can empathize and help each other heal. We appreciate what we each have to offer and we make it a point to avoid taking each other for granted. It's not always easy to hear how things turned out in the past, but by listening and understanding, we can work towards being better for each other, providing for needs that weren't met before. We do our best to turn our misfortunes around, to learn and grow and heal.

    Sometimes knowing how to love involves experiencing what to avoid or watch out for.
    Ethanol, Dewymorning and confused girl28 thanked this post.

  8. #8
    INTJ - The Scientists

    Quote Originally Posted by Lad View Post
    More-often when a gf has brought up an ex through her own fruition, it's often to slander. He didn't do this, didn't do that, or did _______ and it was terrible. Naturally, all the while I'm just thinking "she deserved so much better than that" while simultaneously wondering why they were together in the first place.
    Guilty as charged. I confess I personally do this because I've just had nowhere to let out all of this frustration. I don't consider it good form to complain to most of my friends because a lot of them are his friends too. Plus strangers have no business knowing about our dirty laundry- it's between the two of us. If there was something I didn't like, I bring it to the boyfriend in question. I'm such a privacy whore I cannot bring myself to act like a hypocrite, as a result I don't have many confidants.

    But I feel close enough to my INFJ all of this bottled up negativity just come out (it's also convenient because he was the only one who knew about my previous relationship... we were really close even before this) I try to moderate it though. I don't like complaining about people behind their backs too much, especially if the person I'm complaining to knows the object of my complaints. As for why she was with them, she probably didn't tell you all the good parts because 1. You might be threatened- that's why I don't mention the good parts and 2. People like to bitch more than they like to praise. it is known.
    Dewymorning and Lad thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Dewymorning View Post
    Hey INFJs and any other PerCians lurking in our forum.

    I was just wondering how you feel when your SO brings up their exes.
    Depends - but my default is to approach it as information abut them and their lives - and I want to know and understand them and their lives, so I want to hear about it and usually know more (I often ask questions beyond what they share).

    What factors may influence how that makes you feel?
    My default is in play when there's nothing going on that challenges it. Tangled/weird/bad energy is something that can (though not always) challenge my default.

    Do you feel there is a difference between when their ex was someone they were with for a few months, compared to several years?
    Not necessarily. From what I've seen, the impact of the relationship on the individual is more relevant more than the duration.

    On the flipside, how do you expect your SO to react when you bring up an ex?
    I don't know, I watch for cues. My SOs have tended to express interest similar to what I described as my default.

    What do you think when they react differently?
    I don't think anyone has.

    And how would you feel if they encouraged you to talk about your ex?
    Depends. there's only been one context in which I didn't want to talk about an ex and my lover didn't encourage me to talk about her, she (the lover) was very thoughtful about it. Otherwise, it's okay with me when SOs encourage me to talk about exes. Again, as information, learning about each other.


    I just want to get a discussion going.
    I'm curious to know: What got you interested in this issue/topic in the first place?
    Dewymorning thanked this post.

  10. #10
    Unknown

    Heya Dewy :)

    Well you see I don't get jealous,
    Not anymore.

    I used to get jealous as a I sometimes felt that when a partner brought up their Ex,
    Or even their thoughts on how attractive someone may be,
    That I had to compete with these people for his attention,
    But what you realize,
    That now(Especially with who I am involved with now),
    You are so assured of your place in their heart,
    That you know that no one is ever going to take that place,
    But you :)

    I think what matters is that those relationships ended for a reason,
    You'd never go for any of your Ex's,
    And although you may bring them up,
    YOU know that the one you're with now beats them all :)
    So then the same rule applies to your partner!

    I think it's normal to be a bit jealous,
    Heck I am,
    But it's about biting your tongue and realizing you trust that person,
    Because if you don't,
    Then what are you doing in a relationship with them?

    I won't lie and say I don't like when my partner gets a bit jealous,
    I find it endearing :)
    And it's not doing any harm!

    But with mutual trust development it should become easier to overcome the jealousy!
    I think though you as the current(And knowing you and your SO, the last partner),
    Do have a right to say whether you feel comfortable about their discussion of their past relationships,
    You have a right to question and ask :)

    Best of luck Dewy!
    And don't worry we all get a little defensive and jealous when those past relationships just pop up :P
    It's us being human :)
    confused girl28 thanked this post.


     
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