[INFJ] In need of advice: How do you stop missing someone who is treating you badly?

In need of advice: How do you stop missing someone who is treating you badly?

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This is a discussion on In need of advice: How do you stop missing someone who is treating you badly? within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; He'll get drunk and start an argument over nothing, usually about how he thinks i don't like him. He wont ...

  1. #1
    INTP - The Thinkers

    In need of advice: How do you stop missing someone who is treating you badly?

    He'll get drunk and start an argument over nothing, usually about how he thinks i don't like him. He wont listen to reason and will either shout or sulk. I'll argue back and tell him that he'll never hear from me again. A few days later I'm brokenhearted with grief and I ring him. He won't pick up or return my calls until I've left several tearful voicemails and begging emails. These are about how "we" need to move forward, how "we" need to change. This happens about twice a month. When he relents I don't mention it again because it can often escalate into an even worse row where he won't speak for two weeks with daily begging or 5-6 weeks with less intense begging.

    He's my oldest and favourite friend. When he's not in my life I do literally feel as though I'm missing a limb. We can just talk to each other about anything, we talk and talk about any bull and get lost in conversation for hours and hours until the sun comes up and then some.

    He gets very jealous and spiteful when I talk about my few other friends, especially male ones. I think I'm his only serious friend.

    This has been going on for years now and having tried everything, I think my only option is to leave because I can't cope with the swings anymore. I'm at a stage where I just need to feel secure and be reassured in everything. I feel torn up and exhausted in a general sense.

    How would you stop yourself from wanting to try again with this person? Or how do you at least make the suffering less intense?
    Vivid Melody, CloudFire, LyricalWhip and 3 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Find someone new, if that's even possible. You don't stop missing the person, that happens over time. But, it doesn't hurt as bad.

    I think he really does care. It's just he's been keeping some stuff in and when he gets drunk it's his chance to let it out a bit. He can blame what he said on being drunk.

    Good luck :)

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    To solve this issue, you need to tackle the core reasons. And to do it, you need to find out these reasons first.

    Why do you stay in this kind of friendship? What does he mean to you? Is it just friendship or do you have romantic feelings for him? What about him? Are you a friend only for him?

    You must try to understand - why are you that dependent on him, to the point that if he disrespects you and you stop talking to each other, you are (always?) the one begging him back? You are putting your dignity and need for basic respect aside, as you might be too dependent.
    Do you feel insecure about yourself? Lack of self worth? Or believe that you can't meet interesting people at all? Why is he "special"?

    Does he really care for you? Or is it just dependency too? People who don't really care for others can get jealous the moment they see those he doesn't care but cares for him suddenly cares for others as well, there are people who are that selfish and greedy. But only you know if he is really that kind of person, and if he really cares for you at all. But him not bothering to take initiative to talk to you after fights (and him being the disrespectful one) seems to show that he takes you for granted or really does not care at all.

    All in all, you need to ask yourself first, why do you put up with this kind of treatment and lack of concern, to the point of losing your own dignity. Lack of self worth and confidence is what I often noticed in others that falls in this kind of pattern, which is a shame as many are good people that just needed to meet the right people, thought it's up to each of us to not put up with such things and have more confidence in ourselves.
    CloudFire, Theosophie, Yakarin and 1 others thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Tough love time.......

    Get a f***ing grip! This person sounds dangerous

  5. #5
    INFJ - The Protectors

    What if you just stopped all communication for a week or two, and then see how the both of you feel? In that way, you haven't cut him off (at least, not yet), and you aren't speaking to him, so....fresh air?

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Doesn't sound like a healthy friendship, at all. :I I'd suggest finding someone else as a friend. If all he's causing you is pain, I don't see a reason to stay. If he wants to ignore you even when you are begging him, he's not appreciating what you are doing for him. I would try to stay out of one-sided effort situations. If he really values your friendship, he'll try to make amends if you finally show that you're tired of it and move on. It hurts to leave at first, but in the long term, there's definitely less pain and fighting. I hope things work out for you, I'm sorry. :(

  7. #7
    ENFJ - The Givers

    @Huxleic

    You should be my friend instead ;), I will definitely treat you much better than he did.
    I promise!
    Seriously.
    Really.
    Not crossing any fingers ;)

    I'd be your friend even if you were weird and stayed in your room all day reading Gothic novels about how much your friends are really your enemies.

    For truth!

  8. #8
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I say ultimatum, offer a chance to come clean about the whole thing. If he won't or gets into another argument there is nothing you can do.

    As to how do you stop missing someone who treats you badly?

    Time.

  9. #9
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Talk about emotional head games! I don't think giving him any further chances is a good or safe idea. He sounds awful for your mental health. And this isn't a boyfriend?? Extra weird... Maybe whenever you want to contact him write down all the horrible things he has done? Or pick up the phone and call someone else. Get involved in a project, throw yourself into your job, hit the gym or volunteer. Just keep busy and AWAY from this odd man!

  10. #10
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Huxleic View Post
    He'll get drunk and start an argument over nothing, usually about how he thinks i don't like him. He wont listen to reason and will either shout or sulk. I'll argue back and tell him that he'll never hear from me again. A few days later I'm brokenhearted with grief and I ring him. He won't pick up or return my calls until I've left several tearful voicemails and begging emails. These are about how "we" need to move forward, how "we" need to change. This happens about twice a month. When he relents I don't mention it again because it can often escalate into an even worse row where he won't speak for two weeks with daily begging or 5-6 weeks with less intense begging.

    He's my oldest and favourite friend. When he's not in my life I do literally feel as though I'm missing a limb. We can just talk to each other about anything, we talk and talk about any bull and get lost in conversation for hours and hours until the sun comes up and then some.

    He gets very jealous and spiteful when I talk about my few other friends, especially male ones. I think I'm his only serious friend.

    This has been going on for years now and having tried everything, I think my only option is to leave because I can't cope with the swings anymore. I'm at a stage where I just need to feel secure and be reassured in everything. I feel torn up and exhausted in a general sense.

    How would you stop yourself from wanting to try again with this person? Or how do you at least make the suffering less intense?
    Remember who you are and break free. You are more important than his garbage treatment of you.
    Theosophie thanked this post.


     
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