[INFJ] What is wrong with me? Am I expecting too much?

What is wrong with me? Am I expecting too much?

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This is a discussion on What is wrong with me? Am I expecting too much? within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; Hello, I am hoping that some fellow INFJ's can give me some insight on something that is just weighing on ...

  1. #1
    INFJ - The Protectors

    What is wrong with me? Am I expecting too much?


    I am hoping that some fellow INFJ's can give me some insight on something that is just weighing on my mind lately.

    I am pretty much in a long-distance relationship (not too far - 2.5 hours) with an ISFP. I can start by saying that I love this person more than I have ever loved anyone. We have been through a lot together. We have always seemed to talk over any issues we have calmly and move on. But, as of late I have found myself feeling so very attached to him, that it hurts.

    I would imagine that he and I have perhaps both made mistakes over the duration of our relationship. On the big things, the truly important things... we seem to agree on pretty much everything. We have a lot of the same values and that's important to both of us.

    I should also say that he isn't very experienced in the dating field. Before me, he hadn't actually had a girlfriend since high school (almost 4 years ago).. and he is almost 4 years younger than me.

    He is the most sincere, genuine, and kind hearted person I know. And I feel I won't meet anyone who wouldn't pale in comparison.

    It's summer. I've just started a new job that's kind of demanding. I've had to take a business trip, a family vacation, and I'm also in the process of moving into my own apartment. He is doing his summer internship that also consists of a 1 hour to and from drive, as well as having to go back home to spend some time with his family. We still keep in almost constant communication, however, although we aren't able to see each other. I do expect that will change once the business of both of our lives dies down within the next week or two.

    I constantly find myself trying to push him completely out of my life.
    I hate this. I don't know why I do it.

    I tried to do it at first, when I felt myself being too attached to him and felt like it would just end it heartache.

    I did it again... when he had admitted to me that when we first began our friendship, that he was hesitant to meet me because of my weight. (I'm not a cow - but he's apparently only ever been involved with super, super skinny girls...?) This issue has disolved, obviously.

    And I'm doing it again.. because he started carpooling with a girl at work who also lives close. It's not so much the carpooling.. but the fact that they had apparently decided to on Friday, or some point over the weekend, and he did not tell me until today. I knew he was acting weird and I just had this terrible feeling in my gut like something was wrong. I asked him... he had an opportunity to tell me then. But he didn't. So he brings it up to me in a text message.. "Found someone interning at X who is also living at X this summer too... We are gonna carpool some this summer to save on gas."

    The way he said it was as if he had just discovered it today. But he rode to work with her this morning. I feel betrayed that he didn't tell me. Also, he didn't tell me it was a female until I asked. He had no intentions on it, I feel.

    Then, I check facebook and I see that she has tagged him in a photo while they were out and about after work...?

    He swears it's no big deal and that he has no interest in her.

    I am just heartbroken. I really feel we have a deep and personal connection, and I'm scared to lose that. We have/had plans of moving in together after this year of his college. I had planned to transfer with my company to wherever he was going (they have jobs pretty much everywhere), providing there is an opening. We had talked about this.. seriously. I took it seriously. I am now stuck to wonder if he did too.

    He is so calm.. collected, and he really isn't afraid to show when he's hurting. He's saying that tonight I "stabbed his heart repeatidly"... I didn't mean to, if I did .. :(
    It hurts me so much to think that he truly feels this way. I want to make it right, but I feel he isn't taking my feelings seriously.

    Is it wrong of me to be so upset over this? Am I expecting too much?

  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Hi, elleinsane :)

    First of all, I don't think it is "wrong" of you to be so upset over this.
    But I think you may be expecting a little too much of him.
    Remember: 1. he is a man; 2. he is an ISFP.

    I think the thing that hurt you the most was not so much the fact that he met this person and carpooled with her, but the fact that he hid the whole thing from you until you decided to ask him about it. I don't think there is anything serious between him and this girl, at all. And you should trust him when he tells you it's no big deal. Or at least try to.

    I honestly believe he sort of felt you were likely to feel uncomfortable about it, and decided not to tell you in order not to complicate things further. You are both very busy at the moment, and expressing yourselves correctly while being far from the other can be rather difficult.

    Thing is, his being an ISFP led him not to take your Intuition into account. Of course you had this terrible gut feeling telling you something was different or wrong. He just didn't realize how Intuitive you can be. Maybe he is also a bit scared by this and doesn't like the fact that you can "read" him so easily. As INFJs, we often fail to realize this. I had people avoiding me because they felt too exposed with me, the way I could easily understand them and all. It's something most people who are not iNFJs (or INTJs) are not used to.

    That being said, I think you should find a moment to speak about the whole situation together as frankly as you possibly can. I'm not sure I've understood the "weight" issue very well, but that isn't the point. I think you are feeling the need to push him out of your life because you understand he is possibly going to hurt you again. Not because he wants to, but because he doesn't realize you have the ability to understand what's going on even in a long-distance relationship. He, on the other hand, feels hurt by your feeling possibly suspicious about him and his motives.

    So yes, I think you should discuss the issue together and explain to each other how you live this situation and how you feel about it. He will understand he needs to be careful when telling you things or not, and you need to be careful not to jump to conclusions too easily, because, even if we are pretty intuitive about things, and usually right, we can also make mistakes. Big ones, at that.

    Hope this helps.

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Thank you, very much. I feel you're right and that I do need to talk to him about this. I just hope it isn't too late and that I haven't completely lost him :(

    After talking more with him.. I am confused about his reasoning for not telling me. At first he said "I just didn't think it was very important" and then he said .."Because I was afraid something like this would happen."

    That does not help anything. I trust him, completely. I just don't understand the need to keep something from me and give me different reasons as to why...

  4. #4
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I don't think he has given you different "reasons" as to why.
    I think he had originally underestimated your Intuition and dismissed the topic as unimportant, hoping you would believe him and forget all about this, which of course di not happen, but that he possibly knew you would somehow understand something was going on as well: he just didn't know how to deal with it.

    Then, when you sensed something different was going on and asked him, he admitted he had not told you about it because he was afraid you could misunderstand the whole issue and possibly jump to wrong conclusions. I still think you should believe him when he tells you there is nothing between him and this girl, and not ask yourself too many questions about the change in his attitude.

    But I also believe you should frankly discuss the matter in person as soon as you can, in order to clarify the situation and prevent similar episodes from occurring in the future, not to mention discuss your relationship as a whole. It's just that you caught him unprepared and unable to deal with the situation in a mature way, and I bet he feels bad about it and blames himself too.

    People should learn they cannot lie or even partially hide things from INFJs.
    You cant' fool us, period.
    It will get them into trouble! ;)
    Last edited by VelvetJuliet; 07-03-2013 at 01:59 AM.
    elleinsane thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Thanks so much, again. Thinking things will start to look up soon. I need to just take a deep breath and try to not overthink things..

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I think your putting this guy on a pedestal.

    The only thing a person can do when being put on a pedestal is to fall off.

    It sounds to me like you fell for an ideal or idea of him. See him for who he is as a real person, look past that fluffy dream you know you can conjure up like nothing and see him for what he is based on his actions. Evidence.

    You are not below this guy. Not saying he is cheating or whatever, but it sounds like you worship him, and that is not healthy at all. For either of you.
    elleinsane thanked this post.

  7. #7

    I second @VelvetJuliet . Definitely go and talk it out in person as soon as you're able to. Then you can make up in person, feel all lovey again and be reassured that there is nothing going on with him and carpool girl. I say this because you'll absolutely be able to tell if he is distant in person, and because I really don't think there is anything going on anyway and seeing him in person will put you at ease.
    elleinsane and VelvetJuliet thanked this post.


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