so i decided to open up about my past. Here it is...(this was written in two differnt days at differnt states of mind)
Around age 14 i was having issues with my rage and depression and was sent to a psych ward in the closest city after a huge incentively. she was angry about a psychiatric assessment from a 4 month visit to a Psych ward at a hospital. I could never understand why until i read the report. him having Aspergers is debatable. This was a bad thing for her and it is obvious when you put the next year together.
a few weeks after i got back. She demanded i go to another psyche ward but because of my age she couldnt admit me herself unless i blew up . She told me she would make me go into on if i dont go voluntarily either go by my own "will" or i will be forced to go by a rage intentionally induced by my mother
I went and the confirmed aspergers and she was happy but all she could do is complain about the way they did everything there. She preferred the method of the previous one but she didnt like the result and in reverse she hated the method at the new hospital but was happy she got the result she wanted.
She put me into a local hospital for reasons that shouldn't of ever been allowed. She was too stressed and needed time away from me. We(my mother and my two brothers) then all the sudden moved to vancouver. I was stripped from my friends. I was told it was for the better schools. I believed this until she asked me to take a drug that was meant for my rages but i was not in that state. I question her on this but she would not answer. oh how i wish i did. She continued administrating this drug not meant for this purpose that makes me overly drowsy and compliant. I couldn't question anything after the first one heck i could barely stay focused or awake. after a few days i was driven in front of a hospital. Even with that drug in me i became very aware and focused. I knew something was going on and my adrenaline rose and it was the only thing that made me aware and able to process everything. She told me i was going to a bordering school for people with Aspergers. hah what a very rosy way to put that hellish place.
Under here is more coherant
The place was government group home for autistics and Aspies . I spent two years(15-17 yo) almost with a schedule planning out something i should do every half hour. If i finished a half hour that was a chore i could spend the remaining time until the next scheduled thing on reading or something(used to be allowed video games for that spare time but 4 months in they cut that). I would get usually one half hour block a day for the computer where we were banned communicating to the outside world on it. I was pretty much socially cut off since i could not leave the premise.
They kept getting stricter. They marked our behavior and my was most often perfect or near perfect so they kept making it harder for me to earn my one day a week i get to go out in the world with a worker and see a movie or something. At some point i pretty much had to be perfect. I was driven mad by this. Some kids there could have 8-10 things bad and not be consider a bad day...me I started at 4 and it got reduced all the way down to 1 in a year because i was too good mannered...whats worse is i could only have one "bad" day when they could have2-3. I was the only one they were this strict with... I would be fine if it earned me more but no they had to be fair they said. Everyone deserves an equal chance at this..
the last 7-8 months i had many self induced rages.... I was just tired and couldnt live through it anymore. hey were all smaller ones until the last one.
One day i had enough and decided toi scared the living daylights out of the in a self induced rage. I just couldn't stand being there any longer.. I completely destroyed their fence. I took one of the pieces and was just trying to keep the workers at a distance(i want out i didnt want to hurt people but i wanted the scare them to death and destroy the place to nothing if need be... i had enough of it. my goal wasnt to harm people just get out of there) the police came and i instantly calmed down and they "left" which i then took a thin and a bit wide piece of metal and tried to break tje window. I wasnt going to stop until i was out of there. I reached my limit. Police came back and they took me to the near hospital with a pyche ward.
I was put in solitary confinement. I slept and thank goodness i didnt know anything of the area.. I said the wrong hospital when they asked where i was. i lied through my teeth after that and pretty much sold my story easily of having no clue what happened. When the chips are down i can lie like a master.They said when i arrived i showed no signs of hostility and was calm the entire time so they released me and i went home to my family that evening.
i went there because of rage and left because of rage. My mother thought it was a good thing for me to go through because i didnt have any rage outburst because of it. The thing is i had learned to control my rage on my own and i think anger management therapy would have been a better route even at a psyche ward need be. Psyche ward option would have been better then that place...i actually kinda enjoy psyche wards for the most part.
I left place with Post traumatic stress syndrome, Severe social anxiety, a very deep depression, and zero self esteem. I went 3 years without friends. Once i graduated high school..i moved to my childhood home. i had no purpose and fell into a state of pretty much sleep. almost the only time i was awake was when a childhood friend was visiting or my father was home. I could even pick up a video game controller because i just never felt like playing on. They were one of my biggest sources of stress relief and happiness when alone yet i couldn't get into any game. I couldn't read a book since i just didnt get the urge to finish them. pretty much the only things that kept me entertained was hockey and Anime. I had achieved a point of nothingness.
I cant remember when or how but at some point i decided I did not want be like this. so in February 2008 i started to force myself to post on a couple forums. It was nerve racking and basically i was fighting my body to press post. I was scared to death since i was sure my opinion would be ridiculed or trashed. When people start to comment positively on most of them i got a bit of comfort. I started to post daily.
Next was my desire to have friends since all of them had left near that time. I was scared but i joined a warhammer group. I had some fun.
Summer i held a odd job position at a company most lawn mowing but also grass seeding, sorting things, moving things around and such. They liked my work ethic and i was a bit proud. after the winter i quit just before it lost itself to the recession. When the recession hit the job and my father lost his. We had to move. I moved to Vancouver to my mothers. I hoped she had changed...she did but not for the better like i was hoping.
I then formed a DnD group with 3 other guys. I lucked out with them all being nice people concerned with who i am. I have missed only one game to date and only one person has not(he is the host and most often the DM) Having that gave me a bit of encouragement. My mother kept pushing me to go to College but i had no clue what i wanted to take nor was i close to ready. I still was afraid of people. There are so many people there and i didnt feel mentally and emotionally capable of handling that.
in Spring 2010 Met one of the most important people in my life online. I was still a frighten puppy when it came to personal interaction online and she was the first friend. I literary told her that iwas scared of people and her. She said she doesn't like hurting people and its ok.(later found out shes an INFJ). I had a hard time talking to her about anything. Overtime it i became more confidant. I learned about MBTI >> mistyped myself even though i came up INFJ(i thought i wast in the clouds that much so a noob at MBTI) I realized i didnt fit right with the ISFJs and asked for some help. Learned i was INFJ and it made more sense and it has helped alot. Thank all of you who have helped me on Personality Cafe you have helped me considerably. *hugs you all except those that dont like them*
At some point in mid summer 2010 i was bored at in the middle of the night. I decided to join a online forum RP. Met a couple people who were genuinely nice. One typed herself and was an INFJ recently and if i could pick anyone to be my sister it would be her. It should have been obvious looking at everything we talk about but i didnt care what MBTI type she was really.
September i was doing pretty good. Met my girlfriend online and that was definitely the biggest change. Now i had a purpose. I wanted to be something to make my dreams i had for a long time become real. She wanted to be there for me. Only thing that makes me feel bad is her desire to save me from my troubles. >> i tend to hold things back from people but she hates that and she knows when i am..... its hard to hide problems from her.... >> I think she is an INFJ(i am apparently surrounded by them online.. that makes me wonder about the rarity)
Now my self esteem is getting pretty good. I have an idea for the future and goals i want to acheive. I can enjoy video games again. Life is looking up
Edit: i spend so much time editing this and i mess up the title *facepalm*