I am so hesitant to write this. I only have a few good friends and I try to treat everyone with respect regardless of my friendship with them or not. But lately, I am torn by two things - one is my desire for my own personal development and growth; and the other is my fear of growing too much and leaving behind people that are important in my life.
This past year, I went through some hardships, which required a lot of self-nurturing as well as guidance from someone special, and just a lot of effort to re-envision things for myself to take steps to get my life back together. During and after this process, I started to get disenchanted with some relationships in my real life (primarily with friends). These are some quotes from an online article that describes how I feel:
- The old ways and the old relationships just arent cutting it. All the ways you use to connect with old friends no longer feel good. Many of them just seem off. You want to tell them about what's happening with your marriage (no, I'm not getting married; this is just from an article I found that used marriage as an example)
- Talking about superficial things just isn't nourishing you anymore--especially when your life has been falling apart and you've had to do some work to get to center. (it's not even superficial things, but they seem superficial to me, given some of the scarier and darker sides of life i experienced, such as that fear of inadequacy I gave into)
- As people get healthier, they have a much lower tolerance for unhealthy. As you get better boundaries, you notice the poor boundaries of others and you want nothing to do with it. What used to be fun gossip, now doesn't sit right in the pit of your stomach....(I relate to this, because one of my friends is constantly criticizing other people, and spends a lot of her time ranting to me, belittling the incompetence of others; it was never fun for me, but now I can't even stand it. She also spends a lot of time finding ways to excuse her own incompetence, but now I am so tired of J rambling about how other people are wrong, because I now can't help but feel she needs to take the blame for some things, too.)
However, these are still important relationships in my life; and I feel it's better to have something, rather than nothing, and I don't want to be lonely. I sometimes find myself consciously holding myself back in my growth though, so I can still be on the same page as some relationships with those who I don't share the same values with anymore. But it seems like I shouldn't, and I should aspire to be the best I can be for myself. It's just hard for me to "move ahead" though when some of the people I care about don't also share my same desire for growth, and also motivation/ambition for life, or other newfound values I have.
Ironically, when I am with the opposite type of people - overachievers, people who pursue things for the sake of ambition and advancement (even when they aren't passionate about it), people who are very driven and motivated, people who are slash-throat competitive and willing to stab you in the back, etc, I tend to revert to shut-down mode. Ha, ha, I guess I was meant to be lonely. Anyways, have you guys experienced anything like this?