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How do Male INFJ find a Partner?

[INFJ] 
19K views 57 replies 26 participants last post by  Mr Reality 
#1 ·
Hello fellow INFJs :wink:

I've been passively reading for the past 3 days, and been absolutely amazed from the amount of clones I got here :tongue:
Well, I felt like coming forward and write for the first time, and get some advice on a major problem I'm having in the 'love' area.
Short background to match to the content - I'm 23 years old, INFJ with 100% introversion, and pretty much awesome like any of you guys. :crazy:

Relationships. Never had one. Couldn't make it happen. That's a meteor crash hole size burden in my life, and the answer to the problem yet to be found. At times I thought that the main problem was probably... me. However, at a certain point I came to realize that my way of doing it was just plain wrong. Well, in my head it had perfect sense, but you know how it is. That didn't help me much though, since I still don't know the right way to make it happen :sad:

It's pretty hard as it is to find a proper match for us lunatics :laughing:, so on top of that, all the introversion part, the small friends circle that leads to less social interactions, the awful small-talks part, and all the pre-games involved makes me just go Blahhhhh. :confused:

How a male INFJ find a partner? I mean, we're so bad at being socially active, and most people can't understand us, and we're too freaking nice when it comes to the opposite gender! Or is it just me and not an INFJ thing, I don't know... Nice guys DO come last. :sad:

lol, do you also find yourself writing for an hour something that eventually you decided to delete since it went out of context? :tongue:
Just deleted 2 paragraphs related to some INFJ things I wanted to share.. but since this topic is quite important I wanted to focus solely on that :happy:

Your help is much appreciated guys!

And btw, English isn't my primary language, so don't go too hard on my writing :unsure:

P.S
WOW, that's alot of emoticons.
 
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#2 ·
Hey Thom, and welcome.

Your question is a really common problem point for INFJs. We, as a whole, find it very difficult to meet people (Especially in comparison to those smooth SPs, or rule-following SJs), and it can be a frustrating experience.

As an INFJ it's possible to be a bright, loving soul and yet we find it so difficult to advertise our strengths to potential mates :confused: And yet, as nurturers and protectors, we yearn for intimacy :frustrating:

As someone who went a long time alone, allow me to say, the best way to attract that wonderful girl is to first become totally okay with being single. It sounds ironic, but if you find yourself unhappy and unfulfilled outside relationships, women pick up on that, and that's what they call "desperate". It's not attractive :laughing:

So my advise on getting in a rewarding relationship...

Work on yourself. Work on having a fun life, for yourself. Set goals, and succeed in those goals, build your self confidence.
 
#3 ·
@Btmangan
That makes perfect sense to me.
For a long time I was having issues with who I am, since it was way to difficult to live and interact as an INFJ, being judged and not understood by anyone, even by your own family. But I finally reached to a point where I am very content with myself. I'm still working on some stuff, obviously, but it seems like no matter how much I progress, real change in that area won't occur.

By your words I assume you're in a relationship now. How did you find your girl? What made the change for you?
I couldn't emphasize it enough.. but being alone for so long really feels like a giant arrow in my heart... as you said, we got SO MUCH loving to give that if it won't go out it could simply explode inside. :sad:
 
#4 ·
Basically what Btmangan said, and then you just say "I'm attracted to you and would like to take you out sometime". At that point it won't seem so scary anymore either.
 
#5 ·
I met my girlfriend off an online dating site. Sounds lame I know, but I'm pretty damn happy with her and we mix together really well. Once we introduced ourselves we chatted a lot online to get to know each other. It helped me get more comfortable knowing her and cut out the always awkward first date. If you want to give it a try I used OKCupid. It has a really nice match maker system and it's also free. Not to spam mind you.
 
#6 ·
Glad to hear that Dei!
Actually, it's not lame at all, if you ask me.
I find online dating more beneficial, for anyone, not just for those who couldn't find it outside.
The problem is, where I live, the dating scene is at times even harder on dating sites. Weird eh?
Tried to give it a go for a short while, but the pattern of girls there kinda freaked me out. All that "expectations" and "demands".. jeez. Too much for this INFJ fella!

OkCupid seems like a great site, better than most out there even. Although I didn't register, I visited it once, and got a pretty good impression. Maybe I'll give it a second chance, better than nothing. :)
 
#7 ·
Psst .. dude ... find ways to laugh around them and make 'em laugh ... If you're gonna walk into a relationship with a girl thinking that you're gonna have a relationship with that girl .. you'll probably never have a relationship with that girl. Oh and they can smell desperation --- trust me --- u don't want a girl to know you're desperate ...

*wow, is it just me or am I beginning to sound like those typical high school jocks*

Ah .. who am I kidding .. just approach every relationship by being yourself. If she's gonna understand you, she'll eventually like you ... then that's it .. she's going to *want* to have a relationship with you. Make women want to be with you. And you can't do that by being anything but yourself --- or by listening to others' advice.

That means ... that i've just asked you to disregard everything I've just said ... which means I haven't said anything.

Just be friendly, kind and caring ... they'll love you for it.

It's really, really that easy.
 
#11 · (Edited)
When it comes to attraction, personality have very little to begin with, if you're not aware to personality types very quickly.
I've actually ran through several very interesting researches in my psychology studying about relationship satisfactory and the relation between attraction to personality traits.
The results in most studies? Most couples don't pair up based on personality traits, since most can't tell in the beginning the true self of the other person. So in reality, attitude domains such as values, religion, political attitudes and ofcourse any other known attraction traits (could even be the nice music and light around, to be honest) are taken much more into consideration, and only later on the true personality reveals. That's one of the main reasons to why so many couples end up divorcing.

Having knowledge in the personality field gives much more success rate in finding a proper mate, and to have also a better chance to much more satisfaction from the relationship eventually.

That's funny you know, all that coming from this lonely single dude that never experienced a life with someone.
Oh well :blushed:

P.S
One study based on the MBTI found that NF couples were satisfied from their relationship in 73% of the times (73% of the couples in the study). So.. you got a point there about the INFP Women, I guess. :tongue:
 
#12 ·
I definitely think being comfortable with being single & happy with who you are is a good start.

I myself am not INFJ, but I will tell you that my INFJ boyfriend found his girlfriend (me) by broadening his social sphere, attending social events he otherwise would not have been interested in going to. Some were a complete bust, but then of course, he eventually did come across someone he cliqued with (me), that he otherwise would not have met. So you might have to leave your comfort zone a bit, take opportunities you might not have considered before in the hopes that they might lead somewhere unexpectedly good. Your main motive can even be on the backburner as you do this, just making it a larger goal to get to know more & different people.

The other thing my bf did was take initiative, even though he was nervous & expected rejection (and experienced some rejection before me). As a man, it's generally just a fact that you'll usually have to be the one to initiate interest & that sometimes it won't be reciprocated. It's trial & error, basically. If you have an "unusual" personality, there might be more error than success, but in the long run you're just weeding people out who don't suit you anyway.
 
#13 ·
@OrangeAppled is very much correct. You need to go out of your comfort zone. Approach people, be more social, try and go with the flow a bit.
What I have done is try to center my interactions with people around small short term goals, like make eye contact, approach, etc.... it doesn't help me personally to imagine too far into the future with people, just makes me decide (possibly prematurely) that I don't like that future. Good luck man.
 
#17 ·
What I have done is try to center my interactions with people around small short term goals, like make eye contact, approach, etc....
This is good advice for building better social skills in general. As someone who has struggled with shyness, these little baby steps were the best way for me to slowly ease into conversations with people & overcome my initial timidity.

Not over-imagining stuff is something I think INxx types (and maybe introverts in general) have to work on, because it's easy to build something up into more than it is by fantasizing. There's less pressure when you just go into it casually without huge expectations; it allows you to relax & be more natural.

I've really noticed that taking small steps really works well.

Forcing myself to just say hi or make one comment and show off my crooked smile, though, is nervous in a good way, its like im attracted to them and i just hope they smile back. If not, they obviously arent attractive anymore, haha, not physically i mean, just, i lose my attraction in them simply because there isnt any click or bond or anything there. They are just an object moving on.

Other than that though, not much tact to if it we are just following our attraction, but not obsession, and take it small, and are willing to admit being sensitive, simply because there are plenty of girls that look for that in a male.
I agree....just a simple effort to indicate interest via a smile can be enough. People will either respond or they won't, and then you will know if they reciprocate the interest & can move on if they don't respond, or move into a basic conversation if they do. This simple stuff has never come naturally to me though, I admit; it's so weird now to realize that most people grasp these basic concepts almost automatically & I had to learn them as strategy :tongue:. It used to seem like a foreign language to me - absolutely daunting at times.
 
#14 ·
I've really noticed that taking small steps really works well. Its pretty hard for me to pack a whole conversation with a stranger into one meeting right now, but if I start with hi one day, then a comment the next day, pretty soon we are talking and getting to know eachother. The trick is I guess getting in situations where that will happen. And when you see a girl, make sure you smile and say hi, haha, that way she'll recognize you next time if you see her again. 20 girls in the park, and maybe you'll see one of them again if you go again haha. Luckily for me I'm in school, but, there are many ways to find patterns out there I'm sure.

Another point, the social groups thing, I actaully made a thread in the INFP subforum with a list of social clubs/ groups i wanted to get into, and at least one other person responded with a unique list of 10 themselves.

The problem with groups is that I don't want to have to feel like I have to perform, like for example a group that will force me to speak for a long period of time in front of an entire group of people, but more so the groups, such as, say a biking or spinning class, that hey you sit next to someone for an hour, and when you get off your feeling great and its just like "hey great ride, I was hurtin to keep up, I think u were showing me up the whole time, u better turn it down a notch or we'll take it out on the road LOL" Okay thats too much but a couple of those would be nice comments to make.

Forcing it out of self esteem issues because I need validation just sucks, and the conversation is always just nervous and doesnt work. Forcing myself to just say hi or make one comment and show off my crooked smile, though, is nervous in a good way, its like im attracted to them and i just hope they smile back. If not, they obviously arent attractive anymore, haha, not physically i mean, just, i lose my attraction in them simply because there isnt any click or bond or anything there. They are just an object moving on.

Obviously though, I'll try not to be such a dork or pick girls that I think will go immediately yell out: "oh my gosh dont talk to me you weirdo and shave your face it looks like you've got dirt all over it you stalker" at the top of their lungs lol.

Other than that though, not much tact to if it we are just following our attraction, but not obsession, and take it small, and are willing to admit being sensitive, simply because there are plenty of girls that look for that in a male.

Maybe not a lot, but, whatever, there are some and thats all that counts. And the rest, well, at least some of them respond and have a good conversation. I struck up one with a very attractive EXTp today, and it was a lot of fun. Not because I'm interested since thats not someone I'm looking for, but because I felt good that someone had fun talking to me. And all I did was notice the way she was walking and comment on it being cold inside, then saw her outside, and commented on the heat, lmao. Then I asked her what class and she went off on what job she wanted to get into. Then I didnt force it, I'll see her again, or not, it doesnt matter because im in places where there are plenty. The gym, if you weight lift, is a horrible way to meet women. The gym, if you run or bike or go in the classes, is a great way. Not that a bigger chest wouldn't hurt haha. I still suck but I'm making progress, hope this helps someone. Peace.
 
#15 ·
Horse tranquilisers, blowgun and a sack is how I catch my womens.

(In all seriousness, though, there isn't a method. Things like this seem to just happen)
 
#16 ·
So despite the fact that there's no method to pick up chicks, things like using horse tranquilizers and blowguns to stuff women into bags still seem to 'just happen'? You are one twisted individual, my friend.
 
#21 ·
I think the most important thing for an INFJ is to find someone who can fully appreciate your weirdness and love you for it. You need to feel completely accepted and truly "yourself" around your partner if you're going to be really fulfilled. I know that finding someone who can fill that role might take a little while, but it's worth it, if you want the relationship to have a lasting chance.

I always joke around with my INFJ boyfriend (but I'm kind of serious...) that some of the shit he says and does would be considered so weird by a lot of girls. But none of it freaks me out; I adore his crazy antics and-- yes, I'm going there-- his tendency to be a bit emotional :tongue: That's why I love him. He's unpredictable and sometimes very hard to understand, but it keeps my life spicy, and I'll always love and accept everything about him, no matter how weird or unusual.
 
#25 ·
I think the most important thing for an INFJ is to find someone who can fully appreciate your weirdness and love you for it.
That's the trick though isn't it? Finding someone who could actually put up with us. :unsure:
 
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#32 ·
Why wouldn't someone indeed.... :)

Sometimes people can't see below the surface.
 
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#34 ·
when people say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, there's a lot of truth to it. You have to be confident enough that your approach feels like "You're an attractive individual and I feel we have some compatibility here. I'm going to put it out there, but it doesn't really matter if you drop the ball because I'm perfectly fine with me just being me alone, because I have my own life."

That latter part is what really burns nice guys sometimes.
 
#42 ·
Hookers and bar party girl sluts have their uses.
 
#44 ·
I think one of the main problems, which I have the feeling of frequently encountering when reading through this kind of threads, is that the behavior of the male INFJ (and even more so male INFP!) is counterproductive to mutual infatuation.
Put in the higher standard of most INFJs and the high expectations, it makes things much more difficult to find a suited mate.
Does that relate to your ideas?
 
#45 ·
From the perspective of an INFP woman who loves me an INFJ, here's what I would suggest.

1. Don't approach women as though you want to be their boyfriend. Approach them as though you want to be their friend. It's less threatening to you, her, and a potential relationship. You're being friendly, not flying in for the attack. It's much easier for both of you to get to know each other if there's no implied pressure.

2. In your initial conversations/interactions, stay away from date/relationship/sex topics. It's good to leave that mysterious. Don't put all your cards on the table. I often despair--once a relationship ends--that I will never, ever find anyone ever. As a result I try to cut to the chase when I meet guys and that's a big mistake. (Cf, "Birthday" by Meredith Brooks) Don't get ahead of yourself. I mean, should you actually commence a relationship, there will be LOTS of time to discuss those things. I know that I can be quite a flirt and it's easy for me to start with the off-color jokes. After much experience, I realize it's the guys who DON'T feel comfortable breaking those boundaries initially that I actually want to be with. To put it bluntly, it's easier to get a lay than a relationship. Don't confuse the two.

3. Be (a little) hard to get. I was dating a guy online for a couple months, and I started noticing I was always the one putting boundaries on our interactions. I had the schedule; I had to cut things short to go out with friends. He, on the other hand, seemed like he had infinite time on his hands. Eventually, when I met him, I realized that mostly he was just an online presence. In real life, he didn't have that many friends. There was no way we were going to make it as a couple. He had too much work to do on himself. The point is, even if you don't have a ton of things going on, act like you're busy. If you and a potential date are setting up a time/date to meet, don't say, "Well I'm free whenever." Definite turnoff.

Trust me, Thom. The right woman is going to go gaga over you. INFJs are amazing. But they're at a disadvantage in Western culture because of what we expect men to be: unfeeling, tough, competitive, etc., etc. The right person will find you and neither one of you will ever want to let go.
 
#47 ·
He had too much work to do on himself. The point is, even if you don't have a ton of things going on, act like you're busy. If you and a potential date are setting up a time/date to meet, don't say, "Well I'm free whenever." Definite turnoff.
Doomed.

I cant be busy if I have nothing to do and I'm not gonna lie either. :p


I take a different approach to that which I know leads me to "doomed from the start" things. Why is it really so bad to be available for a woman? It seems like a superficial reason. Especially when you hear time and time and time and time again, "he never makes time for me." ..................:frustrating:
 
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