[INFJ] Has anyone else had this problem in the "social environment"?

Has anyone else had this problem in the "social environment"?

Hello Guest! Sign up to join the discussion below...
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 29
Thank Tree51Thanks

This is a discussion on Has anyone else had this problem in the "social environment"? within the INFJ Forum - The Protectors forums, part of the NF's Temperament Forum- The Dreamers category; As of recently I have made a personal discovery about the origins of how and why I have a certain ...

  1. #1
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Has anyone else had this problem in the "social environment"?

    As of recently I have made a personal discovery about the origins of how and why I have a certain fear. And it also ties in with the Enneagram 4 labeled fear "that they have no identity or personal significance". Generally, with "friends" (both close and acquaintance) I tend to hide away or become afraid of sharing my true thoughts and being completely honest with them if there's a problem (unless they manage to hurt me to the extent that i just cut them off). I become fearful of their reaction before it even happens, so i withhold my thoughts and continue acting as if everything is okay. It's not only the fear that they will be upset at my honesty, but the fear that I would also begin to hate myself afterwards as well. I didn't realize there was a term for this as well (even though i knew it as a common term i never understood its meaning). And that term is "Shame". And while shame is the major factor of why i feel guilt for wanting to speak out, as well as feeling it for not wanting to speak out, I had also come to realize this was also connected to my upbringing. I learned in the article mentioned below, that most scapegoats have high empathy and sensitivity at an early age, which causes them to absorb all of the projections of their parents, thus causing the birth of self hatred/possibly depression. It also informed me that as they continue to go into social relationships, that they will also absorb the projections of what other people think of them as well. For me this explains a helluva lot, of why i fear getting close to certain people and their impact on me if i either

    A. Do something wrong.
    Or
    B. Be honest with them.

    I'm personally terrified of being completely honest with someone i'm not sure of, as any kind of minor negative backlash towards me can cause me to go in a state of guilt for a long time. So instead I internalize everything that bothers me about them, and I simply play my part in this "friendship" until i have a reason to avoid them or doorslam. And this is different from constructive criticism, i'm talking about the consequences that may occur if they end up being hurt by my honesty. While their take of it may not be my problem afterward I still hold the shame of what I have done to another human being, even if it was the "right" thing to do rather than continue being dishonest with them and put on the fake persona. I fear hurting them..but I also fear hurting myself. It's a double edged sword and the ending remains the same regardless of which way i act. I'm fearful of absorbing any new projections one might have of me (specifically negative) which has caused a spiral of paranoia in 2/3 of my friendships, even if they may not take it personal. And before I end this, I am not intentionally hurtful when i'm honest, as I still try to be polite and respectful of the person that i'm talking to. I am also aware that they can be positive in their response, but i'm practically crippled by my fear, especially because of social experiences that didn't go well.
    I was curious if there's anyone with similar issues that came to this realization?

    Oh and here's the article links that I read, very fascinating reads.

    Why family scapegoats become lifelong victims. | Lucky Otter's Haven

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...egoat-identity

    http://psychcentral.com/lib/shame-th...-codependency/

    P.S. If anyone is curious of my tritype it's 4w5 5w4 1w9
    AriesLilith, catthatbarka, StableSun35 and 4 others thanked this post.



  2. #2
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I understand how you feel I think - I haven't read the links yet, but I will when I have some time to do it. I am sorry that you feel that way about being totally open with your friends. I can relate, though. Whenever I am with people, I have a mental dialogue going on of every negative thought I imagine they could be thinking in response to what I say and do. It's constant. I argue with myself mentally about everything I say from the perspective of them - does that make any sense? I'm also an INFJ type 4 enneagram - and I also absorb guilt very easily and can experience extreme anxiety and guilt in response to criticism or conflict. I really hope things will get better and you will find someone you can share with!

  3. #3
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I don't really think this is enneagram based (I am a 6w5 with some of those challenges initially ), have you considered that you may be a HSP @Kyuubixcel (Are You Highly Sensitive?) or what your emotional attachment style is (What is Your Attachment Style?).

    I don't wish to discourage conversations but context and knowledge are everything - they help us define our communication and be clearer about our questions.
    StableSun35, Kyuubixcel and Frostbite thanked this post.

  4. #4
    INFJ - The Protectors

    @StElmosDream nailed it. being a HSP seems most likely here, I am a HSP myself, and i have the same struggle.
    StElmosDream, StableSun35 and Kyuubixcel thanked this post.

  5. #5
    INFJ

    My BF and I are both HSPs as well.
    StableSun35 and Kyuubixcel thanked this post.

  6. #6
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Assertiveness has a personality dimension to it, but it is also something we all as people have some element of. Early experiences of being assertive and not having that respected can create work for us to do later on in life.

    What I have experienced around this issue is that in adulthood, if you are working on becoming more assertive, then people who see that as a threat to your current dynamic with them may not be too happy with you. People who are healthy themselves, and assert themselves in order to promote co-operation and sincerity in their relationships will be relieved that you are speaking up with integrity; others may want you to keep quiet and go along with them.

    I believe it is really important for INFJs and HSPs to develop healthy boundaries with people which requires assertiveness. It gets easier and easier the more that you do it. Do you have people in your life that encourage you to share your thoughts? If so, build on that. If not, don't worry. Some of us did this work alone for a long time and it is possible to do it without any support from people at times.
    Kyuubixcel, TONY T and Copper North thanked this post.

  7. #7
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuubixcel View Post
    ....

    And before I end this, I am not intentionally hurtful when i'm honest, as I still try to be polite and respectful of the person that i'm talking to. I am also aware that they can be positive in their response, but i'm practically crippled by my fear, especially because of social experiences that didn't go well.

    I was curious if there's anyone with similar issues that came to this realization?

    ....
    Situation could at least partly be due to nutrition. One thing is getting more protein, like from eggs, meats, fish. Also, no low-fat stuff. Your body needs fats, especially your brain. (Definitely, no diet sodas; no artificial sweeteners; and, no soy.)

    Suggest supplements: Vitamin D3 (2000-unit tabs) take 3 at once per day. Lithium orotate (5mg Lithium per tab; one per day). May find at a health shop or need to order from some online place, like Swanson.

    Good luck in getting better, Kyuubixcel!
    Kyuubixcel thanked this post.

  8. #8

    The trick is to getting yourself to believe that you can be understood, honest, etc.. That is what this vulnerability video talks about. This video seems to be what you're talking about, so check it out and see what you think.


    This one for shame also came up, I haven't listened to the whole thing, but it may help you.
    Aizar, Vivid Melody, StableSun35 and 3 others thanked this post.

  9. #9
    INFJ - The Protectors

    I guess that I can relate in some way and I'm also 4w, thought slightly different?

    In my case, I've noticed that I've been quite careful with the impression I give ever since I was a kid, as if I don't want to feel ashamed or judged. When I was older, I began to tailor a perfect mask in front of others too, not showing weaknesses and showing the parts of myself that others might admire or like, or find intelligent. With closer friends I feel safer to be more myself, but I seemed to want to be admired and appreciated.

    But that kind of thing leads to false sense of friendship and bond. When I began to show some flaws not everyone appreciated nor knew how to deal with it. The attractive factor would have been lessened.

    So the friendship based on my tailored mask is false, it's just illusional.

    I try to be more confident and honest, but I can't say that I'm fully good at it yet. Although with my husband I am honest and avoid the mask pitfall. He accepted many of my flaws which made me feel more confident by time.

    Thought gaining confidence still doesn't mean blind vulnerability, and I still don't trust anyone. I have to feel that the other person genuinely cares and is able to handle some things that i'd fully show it, thought I'm also not avoidant of conflicts as while it stresses me, I rather talk about it and see what happens.
    Kyuubixcel, Notus Asphodelus and INForJoking thanked this post.

  10. #10
    INFJ - The Protectors

    Quote Originally Posted by StElmosDream View Post
    I don't really think this is enneagram based (I am a 6w5 with some of those challenges initially ), have you considered that you may be a HSP @Kyuubixcel (Are You Highly Sensitive?) or what your emotional attachment style is (What is Your Attachment Style?).

    I don't wish to discourage conversations but context and knowledge are everything - they help us define our communication and be clearer about our questions.
    Yeah it's not enneagram based but I think our response to certain things as we grow up are kind of what determine our enneagram in a way (not saying it's a definite but it certainly holds some truth). I feel like I didn't word that right but whatever lol. EDIT: It also connects to the fear because my personal significance is practically based on the projections that I receive, which means that my self-perceived identity in a sense relies on the very projections that i'm afraid of.

    I'm definitely an HSP, i'm not sure to what extent though. My early attachment style would definitely be most identified as avoidant, but I seem to have snippets of all of them that I can relate to. For the adult attachment patterns I have dismissive (but not emotionally removed from myself and others), preoccupied definitely except i'm not clingy or overdependent, and somewhat fearful-avoidant in the sense of childhood memories being triggered.

    Yeah, I see what you mean. I'm not always clear in my vocabulary unfortunately.
    Last edited by Kyuubixcel; 12-15-2015 at 08:22 PM.
    StElmosDream thanked this post.


     
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 15
    Last Post: 02-21-2017, 06:28 AM
  2. Replies: 36
    Last Post: 04-23-2015, 09:45 PM
  3. [ENTJ] Problem solving : "Having everything figured out" VS "plan as you move"
    By TPlume in forum ENTJ Forum - The Executives
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 03-11-2014, 07:47 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:50 PM.
Information provided on the site is meant to complement and not replace any advice or information from a health professional.
© 2014 PersonalityCafe
 

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0